Kicked Puppies

Pssst, Over Here

2008-12-19T16:53:00.002-05:00

Alright, I know I said I would be blogging again. Turns out that's true, just not here. I mean I tried, it's just that when I fired up the old blogging machine, all that came out was angry bile directed at Sarah Palin, so I quit again.

Fortunately, my friend Hammer Flanagan wouldn't let me stay quit, and he won't let me write about Sarah Palin (unless it's really funny).

Go on over there and read what me and the rest of the knuckleheads have to say. Sometimes it's actually good.

Link to Hammer Flanagan Website
Link straight to the HammerBlog

Hammer Flanagan The Zombie Movie

2008-10-28T11:19:00.001-04:00

We here at Kicked Puppies loves Hammer Flanagan, and not just cause he's a friend of ours.

Garrr!

2008-10-01T21:18:00.002-04:00

the Idiot loves the Somali pirates who took a Ukrainian ship full of tanks and other weapons. If you're gonna go, go big.

I don't think it's gonna go well for them in the end tho.

Garr, and blast ye scurvy lubber souls.

That's How I Roll

2008-10-01T12:20:00.002-04:00

I may well work at the uncoolest place on Earth. Nuf said there, but today I did get a little bright spot when I walked into the employee restroom.

Well, a little back story first
Yesterday I walked into the employee restroom, first thing in the morning, and found a HUGE unflushed turd floating there.
Now, in my coworkers defense, they had tried to flush. I'm not Gil Grissom, but I was able to piece that much together from visible evidence.
From the looks of the racing stripes around the bowl, there had been a fierce struggle and the big boy I was looking at had refused to go down. I dispatched it with a flush and went onto my business, resolved once again, to go have another talk with jobs.com as soon as I was out of the potty.

Today, nothing so dramatic was awaiting me, but I did happen to notice for the first time (yes, I've been working here for roughly five years- I already fessed up that I'm not Gil Grissom), that the toilet paper dispenser says "ROLLMASTA"

A closer inspection revealed that that it's actually ROLLMASTR, which is not nearly as cool, but hey, it made me smile. That's just how I roll.

Obama Sign TV; You too will be addicted

2008-09-29T19:56:00.003-04:00

A story in the WSJ tipped the Mrs. to this story about a kid whose Obama sign kept getting ripped off so he put up a home made sign and a web cam to keep an eye on it. Now he's got a following. Subsequent hijinks ensued. Go read it, then watch the sign with the rest of us. Here's the original site where you can see all the CHAOS chat. (Citizens Hanging Around the Obama Sign)

Video streaming by Ustream

Ok, I'm back for real this time

2008-09-25T12:47:00.002-04:00

I came back here today.
I was checkin on my lists of beers I'd tried.
I nearly crapped my pants to find comments waiting for me.
I was so touched, that
like Ozzy Osbourne, I'm back for another tour.

Stay tuned for more hilarity. In the meantime though, enjoy my latest video blog effort;
just click here to see it.

A Comeback, of sorts.

2008-03-01T15:23:00.001-05:00

Ok, so I'm reviving the blog with the hope of becoming one of them fabulously celebrated bloggists you read about on the internets. I will have money, fame, power, glory and, like Artie Lange, someone to load songs on my iPod.

Post #341

2006-05-31T13:36:00.000-04:00

This is the 341st post on Kicked Puppies. That's significant.

You see, 3+4+1=8

8 is the number of my favorite Red Sox player, Carl Yastrzemski.

Crush is the 8th song on the Dave Matthews Band album Before these Crowded Streets. It's a good song.

Also, significantly, 3+4=7
Combine that with the number left over from 341 and you have 71. In 1971 Led Zeppelin IV came out and Tupac Shakur was born.

What does all this mean? I don't know.
Happy 341st post, kicked puppies.

oh, did I mention its actual significance?
I think it will probably be the last post here on the old blog.

The Idiot has kept this up far longer than he ever dreamed he might way back when he started this silliness. It has been a lot of fun, but coming up with something to say day in and day out has been far too much like work.

For those blog artistes who I've come to read and enjoy, fear not, I'll still be around, and my idiotblogger e-mail address still works. E-mail me.

It's been real, it's been fun, it's been real fun.

Beers # 52-77

2006-05-30T09:55:00.001-04:00

It's been a while since I've updated my beer list, mostly because I haven't been drinking much, and the beers I've been drinking are already on the list. For those of you who are new here, I'm trying to drink a million different varieties of beer before I die....
Why? Because I'm an easy mark for people armed with peer pressure.

Read the original post here. Read about beers 1-10, beers 11-22 here, beers 23-36 here, and beers 37-51 here

52. Ravell from Magic Hat- This beer is available only at their brewery and a friend brought me back a growler of it. This beer absolutely dispelled any question I had that the people at Magic Hat might not know what they're doing. This is a heavy beer with a vanilla flavor and I'm a big big fan.

53. Rosie Red Bitter- This was brewed by a friend of mine. I think it's only his third batch of beer but it was remarkably complex. He used so many hops (3 infusions) that it's so dry and tart it makes your lips want to pucker, then, the malt kicks in an it finishes nicely. Well done, sir!

54. FestiveAle from Rogue- A Belgian saison ale, some ginger and other spices make this a fine sippin' brew. As I said a while ago, I tried Rogue beers a decade ago and wasn't impressed and now I can't get over how much I like a lot of their stuff.

55. Sam Adams Cherry Wheat- I got seriously hooked on this years ago, it was really the first beer that made me realize people could do cool and tasty things with beer.

56. Red Hook ESB- I have a chum who lives in Seattle and I drank a lot of Red Hook when I went out for his wedding. Good stuff. We were at their local brewery and I was hoping to try their Nitro, which they were out of, but the ESB was a fine substitute.

57. JW Dundee's Honey Brown Lager- Friends of ours took us out to dinner a while ago and the husband came back from the bar with a giant schooner of what I think was Honey Brown. If it wasn'y it's ok, because I consumed somewhere in the neighborhood of 300 gallons of this stuff at Cincinnati Reds games over the years. Very smooth, very drinkable, very good beer.

58. Anchor Steam- This is one of my all time favorite beers. I also like that it goes with anything and any with any temperature or activity. It's light and crispy enough to taste great on a hot day and heavy enough to appeal on a winter day. Those San Fariscans really found a good thing when they cooked up the first batches of this stuff.

59. Kona Brewing Co. Fire Rock Pale Ale- I keep finding myself writing "I don't like Pale Ales, but I like this one" so it might be that I actually like Pale Ales. This is a good one from a brewery that we actually visited in Hawaii a couple of years ago. It's not too hoppy, crisp and smooth.

60. Kona Brewing Co. Longboard Lager-This is a good beer, not a great beer. It's flavorful but very smooth. I think it's a little pricey for what it is, though I'm sure they sell a lot of it in Hawaii to the tourists, and to those of us who come back from our trips and want a little of that Hawaiian vibe.

61. Magic Hat Blind Faith- A perfectly respectable Pale Ale. If I'm not careful I might start liking Magic Hat beers, based almost entirely on the strength of their Revell.

62. Unibroue Cranberry Ephemere- Not as tart as a lambic, but still a nice beer. It's like Sam Adams Cherry Wheat only with cranberries.

63. Milly's Tavern Brown Noser Brown Ale- By the time I got to this one it was pretty late in the evening and I honestly don't remember anything about it, other than the fact that the tap had a fake nose on it with a brown tip.

64. Milly's Tavern Oatmeal Stout- A perfectly respectable oatmeal stout. The bartender said it was an imperial stout, but I think he was fulla crap. As an oatmeal stout, it was delicious, as an imperial stout there would be a problem.

65. Smuttynose Farmhouse Ale -A saison that was very good, from their big beer series, (though I had it on tap). I like Smuttynose beers, I'm trying to get them back to the top of my list after unfortunate yeast incidents with some of their beers.

66. Smuttynose Barley Wine '06- I had a bottle of this stuff in '05, but since this is a new batch and I had it on tap, I'm counting it again. Their barleywine in excellent.

67. Rogue Old Crustacean Barley Wine- Excellent stuff. I'm really getting to be a big fan of Rogue Beers.

68. Franconia Notch Mountain Stout- The bartender said that either the company is no longer in business or they've stopped brewing this particular brew. Either way it's a shame, because this was a delicious stout with a lot of chocolate in the flavor.

69. Moat Mountain Hoffman Weiss- Very sweet and tasting of bananas. I had a sampler of this and then went with the bartendress's suggestion of turning it into a black and tan.

70. Hoffman Weiss/ Guinness Black and Tan- Yeah, I know, it is a little cheesey to count this as a separate beer, but it's my list so piss off. The two were a good match, by the way, though I was more focused on getting my ass kicked at darts than the beer at that point in the night.

71. Harpoon Summer Beer- This is a good beer, though I have almost no recollection of anything special about this particular glass of the stuff after the barley wines mentioned earlier.

72. Unibroue Maudite- Very high in alcohol but still tasty. This is a beer you want to be prepared for, it's not light and crisp- it's heavy and sweet.

73. Rogue American Amber- An excellent beer that goes down smooth, maybe a little too smooth considering the price. Maybe it would be better if this beer weren't so good, then it could sit in the fridge undrunken, and I'd save money. Does that make sense?

74. Rogue Dead Guy Ale- See the note for #73 above. Rogue makes good beers.

75. Blue Moon Belgian White Beer- We bought a twelve of this for a friend that was visiting. I like "whit beer," though I like the hard to find Celis version of the style better. This is a nice beer, especially in hot weather.

76. Geary's Summer Ale- I drank several of these yesterday thanks to a cousin who brought them to the Memorial Day celbration. It's nice to have family who have good taste in beer.

77. Geary's Hampshire Special Ale- I had such a good time with the Summer Ale, I had a Hampshire Special Ale when I got home. These are quite good, though the high alcohol content shows up in the taste.

NASA doesn't care who you call

2006-05-27T09:32:00.000-04:00

Mrs. Idiot and I had a heated argument because I was pretty sure that NASA was collecting a database of phone numbers that we call. Yes, now I know it was the NSA, not NASA, but let me tell you, for a while I was pretty scared.

I mean, imagine what NASA could do with our phone numbers!? They could beam my number out into space and I'd have telemarketers from other planets calling trying to sell me subscriptions to The Beteulguese Times and accident policies against phaser mishaps. I was quite relieved when Mrs. Idiot showed me article after article that confirm it's the NSA.

Being diligent, I went out and researched the NSA, wanting to make sure that they won't sell my phone number to aliens. I found the following site that I think you'll like, especially if you have any questions you'd like to ask of the NSA. DearNSA.com

Abba-solute Power!

2006-05-26T08:13:00.000-04:00

I was browsing the headlines, being the newshound that I am, and found this story:

All I have to say is that it's about time! I mean, Abba was a supergroup that wrote all those great hits! Who better to settle hamas problems than the group that gave us Fernando and Take a Chance on Me?

I also agree that it's high time that we establish some hamas boundaries so I'm glad to see that Abba is playing hardball and establishing a firm deadline. I often find that the local grocery's hamas is a little light on the tahini and lemon juice and they overcompensate by using too much paprika. Some standards will be a most welcome change.

I really hope that that they deal with the spelling issue too. I mean, I've seen hummus, Χούμους, houmous, hommus, humus and now hamas! It's all the same thing people! How many ways do we need to spell it, it's a frickin chick pea dip!

So, as I said, I'm glad to see that someone has finally given Abba some power and that we're finally addressing the real issues of modern life.

Drunken American Idol

2006-05-24T18:56:00.001-04:00

For those of you who've not been scoring at home, or for those of you not reading this blog, Blog Artiste Hanni has been holding a contest in which we rabble scum can choose the drink she drinks whilst watching tonight's American Idol Finale. Each week for eight weeks, readers got to vote, and the drink with the fewest votes each week got kicked off until there was only one standing.

The drink that sounded the most dangerous to me was called Stephanie's Coke Lobster, because it mixed two liquors as well as cranberry juice and coke. I figured that this combo would make the poor girl do weird things and then throw up, which would no doubt amuse us all. I quickly became a champion of this drink, and in the end it prevailed.

Somehow, as is normal for me, I got wrapped up in the excitement of the contest and volunteered to drink whatever drink won along with Hanni. Though we're a bazillion miles apart and I don't give a rat's ass about American Idol, a party is a party and I'm down with Stephanie's Coke Lobster, (which, it turns out, is just a Rock Lobster with Coke in it).

I went out and bought the ingredients:

To play this at home you'll need some Crown Royal (though any blended whiskey will do) and some Chambord, which is a raspberry liquor which I had to try a shot of. It's VERY tasty.
Hanni has a full recipe up on her current post about tonight's American Idol festivities.

I've mixed up the first Rock Lobster and am suitably impressed, it's red, it's tasty and it goes down easy. If I drink enough of these I may soon start to care about American Idol, and if I keep drinking after that I'll probably try out for American Idol.

Since the Yankees are playing the Sox tonight, the closest I'll get to watching Idol might be the occasional check in between innings. I will admit that I've gotten to like the first couple of weeks of each American Idol season, and this year I even watched it a bit. There's something cruelly entertaining about the hundreds of people who can't sing and yet audition for the show anyhow, especially when they get mad at being told that they can't sing. I liked the gray haired guy from way back then, and the girl that's still in it was nice enough to show America her underwear with a wardrobe malfunction, so I should probably tune in for just a few minutes just to see how it all comes out. I mean, if I don't see it live I'll probably wonder who won as I doubt the world's news agencies will cover something trifling like a TV talent show when there are wars being waged and such!

So there you have it, Me, Rock Lobsters and the Red Sox. Mrs. Idiot is on the fence as to whether she'll participate, so I've made a drink for Wally. She did, however, promise that she'll update the blog should I get too out of hand and do stupid stuff.

There you have it Hanni, have fun, be safe, and Cheers!

Quick, Go Vote Now!

2006-05-22T08:46:00.001-04:00

My Blogger friend Hanni is having a contest to decide what she'll drink while watching the American Idol Finale. Foolishly, I've agreed to drink it too, Chez Idiot. I'm rooting for the Lobster Drink, and right now the vote is a tie. Go vote for the lobstah, on the right side of her webpage. Voting ends tonight, so do it now!

Bling From the King

2006-05-19T15:29:00.001-04:00

It's time for me to get this campaign for king thing moving again, and this time, just to show you I'm serious, I'm starting with these little logo thingys for people's websites.

Once the donations start rolling in I'll make up some stickers and t-shirts and stuff. My plan is to spread these icons all over the place so that pretty soon everyone is asking "What the hell is that?" (I think I may have gotten the idea from Turk 182, but I saw that so long ago it's kind of hazy, so instead I'll say I got it from Bon Jovi).

Since y'all are in on the ground floor, you know that it means you want me as your king. (get it? Village Idiot=V.I.=VI=Roman numeral for 6?) Clever eh?

Free Idiot Art, getcher free idiot art here, get it while it's hot. Put one on your webpage and link it to here. We'll start the revolution one blog at a time.

Pick whichever one you like. Let me know where it winds up and I'll link back to your site too.

The King Is Back

2006-05-18T08:21:00.001-04:00

That's it, the gloves are off and my hat is back in the ring.

Yes, that's right, I'm firing up my campaign for king of the world again, and we can all thank Paris Hilton for it.

You've heard of her, right? Rich heiress? Tall, skinny blonde dumb bimbo?

For a long time, I just didn't "get" her. I mean, she's really not attractive at all. She looks like a bird. She obviously doesn't have a brain in her head.

Then I realized her penchant for getting drunk and screwing things up in public, and I saw at last her entertainment value as a clown. I mean really, she's NOT hot, NOT smart, just egotistical, rich, drunk, mean and stupid- the perfect combination of things to bring on and then exacerbate a really amusing downfall. Am I right? The most awesome thing about Paris is that she actually thinks we're laughing with her!

Apparently, last night, she and some rich idiot that no one has ever heard of, launched a diatribe against Lindsay Lohan in public. There's a video of it here, though I warn you, the drunken young man's language is quite salty.(It's all bleeped, and truly reveals what a pair of morons we're dealing with). As the website says, brilliantly, I might add, the young man who is with Paris is "best known for his drunk driving arrest."

Nice, very nice.

So here's the new campaign platform.
In the Idiot's new world order: If you are very rich, that's fine, and it's even encouraged, but if you didn't earn the money yourself then you have only a few choices as to how you will live your life;
a) quietly, without bothering the rest of us.
b) philanthropically, giving a lot of your money to worthy charities, which gives you the right to go out and make an ass of yourself in public.
c) as a clown. If you want to be the rich jet-setter like Paris and her idiot boyfriend, (he's the grandson of an oil baron), you are in fact agreeing to let us use you and your image for whatever goofy crap we feel like putting you through. I think it would be horrendously entertaining to put these two idiots through a few rounds of Fear Factor stunts, and then maybe make them wear superhero costumes for a year.
d) with class. This is kind of A and B combined, but if you have class and dignity, I'm ok with you spending Grampa's Billions and expressing your opinion. I mean, the Kennedy's tend to get a little clownish, but at least they've got class.

Brandon Davis, grandson of a billionaire and seemingly a world-class pisswit.

Here's an example of class-less: In the video, Paris' boy says of Lindsay Lohan: "I think she's worth about seven million (dollars), which means she's really poor. It's disgusting. She lives in a motel."

Indeed, Tubby, you're right. But at least SHE earned her money. Now, shall we look for the Husky Boy section to get you your Assman Costume?

..there's gonna be a floody-floody...

2006-05-17T14:42:00.001-04:00

If you've been following the news then you already know that the weather here in New Hampshire got a little extreme over the weekend.

The Idiot family and all of its collective crap came out unscathed, though we had to suffer the indignity of having our road closed for a couple of days due to high water across it and the fact that the road it connects to washed out. (This made life especially interesting for our friends who were visiting from away, especially since they had to get to an airport to fly back to the rat race in the middle of it).

I want to give a special shout out to the emergency workers in New Hampshire. We had firemen on the doorsteps of all the homes in our neighborhood three different times to keep us informed as to what was going on and to offer us help should we need it. Y'all did a great job and we thank you.

This Bud's For... a Player to be Named Later

2006-05-12T08:01:00.000-04:00

A friend of mine sent me this list of recent minor league player transactions. Check out the one that's highlighted. (Click on the image to see one that's big enough to actually read).

Pickled Hanni

2006-05-10T10:11:00.001-04:00

One of my favorite Bloggers, Hanni, is having a contest. She started with a list of drinks, and each week she lets us vote one off, just like American Idol. She will drink whatever we finally vote on at an American Idol finale party and post pictures of all the stupid things she does.

As I'm all in favor of drunken stupidity, here's a link to her voting thingy.

Personally, I'm pushing for the Lobster Drink because it sounds more alcoholly than the others, which could lead to both freak dancing and vomiting. Cast your vote today!

How Sweet It Is

2006-05-10T08:52:00.001-04:00

The Sox beat the Yankees last night 14-3. The best part was that the Yankees gave up six unearned runs on errors and wild pitches, including two by A-Rod and a dropped fly ball by right-fielder Melky Cabrera.

Yes, his name is Melky.

Fluffy Rethinks that Jihad Idea

2006-05-04T19:19:00.000-04:00

Those of you who have been reading about the adventures of our cat Fluffy will remember that several months ago he cast off his slave name, then launched a jihad.

Well, there have been updates in the ongoing struggles of Fluffy.

Some of you might even remember Fluffy's arch nemesis, the neighbor's cat Leo.

A couple of months ago, our other cat, Toby, came in with his ear bleeding profusely. Being good cat owners, we ignored it and hoped like hell that it didn't get infected and start to smell. Toby, being a good cat, ignored it too and the thing healed nicely. Toby was left with a massive notch in his ear and a rather impressive scar that I'm sure he makes the most of when he goes drinking with the boys or whatever it is that cats do for fun.

A few weeks after that, Mrs. Idiot took the cats to the vet for their annual check-up. The vet noticed Toby's ear and was duly impressed by the scar.
"We dunno how he got it," said Mrs. Idiot, "we think probably Leo got him."

Now, Idiotville, which we now call "Redbud" (after the Chevy Chase movie Funny Farm), is a large town or small city depending on your view, but sometimes it's freakishly small.

"Leo?" the vet asked, "big orange cat?"

Well, Mrs. Idiot was appropriately stunned that the vet not only knows Leo, the neighbor's cat, but also treats him and also treats a number of his victims. (Like One Eye McGillacutty down the street).

So, with mighty Leo camped out on our deck as much as possible (or cunningly camped under a tree just out of reach of Buttercup's tether), our brave Fluffy X has been running his jihad since February from the comfort and safety of the younger one's bed.

A couple of weeks ago, he snuck out to go to the bathroom and apparently met up with Leo, because there was a hellacious caterwauling from the front yard and then a loud thud at out door, which we think may have been the brave Fluffy trying to ram his way back in. When we finally did let him in, he was a mess, with a pretty substantial amount of blood coming from the base of his tail.

Being good cat owners, we looked him over, decided he was more or less ok, and tried to ignore it, hoping it wouldn't get infected and smell. Sadly, our hopes were dashed.

I should note here that this is the second time that Fluffy has come home with a wound that got infected and required a trip to the vet. I tried to ignore that first wound too, even when various members of the idiot family volunteered, independently I might add, that "the cat's head smells like ass, dad." Poor Fluffy spent week after that with half his head shaved and a drainage tube sticking out of it. He also got to wrestle with me twice a day as I attempted to jam droppers full of anti-biotics down his throat.

Well, Mrs. Idiot, having learned from the previous episode, took Fluffy to the vet before the smell set in this time, because it became clear that the wound simply wasn't healing.

The vet was impressed and promptly shaved him down, evaluated his wound and gave us more antibiotics to give him. If we're lucky, and I'm sure we will be, we get to take him back and have them give him a drainage tube again.

Our brave warrior, wounded on the ass.

Bars #21-

2006-05-04T08:46:00.001-04:00

Here we go in my lame attempt to reach 100.
(read the story here).

#21. The Cataqua Public House- This is the pub at the Red Hook Brewery in Portsmouth. It's nice but very professional looking and uninteresting. I had their ESB but was ticked off because they were out of the beer I was hoping to try, their Nitro Stout.

#22. The Tiki Bar, The Liki Tiki Water Park, Orlando, Florida- We stayed in a condo on the property and they had a water park with a bar, which, with kids I see as a Win-Win situation. They had a seriously crappy bartender who whined and cried about his hours so much it was like spending time with Marvin the Depressed Robot from The Hitchhiker's Guide, but it was nothing that some distance and a couple of pitchers of Bud Light couldn't fix for me.

New Hampshire's New Motto

2006-05-03T22:09:00.001-04:00

There's talk in New Hampshire's ginormous legislature, (which is in fact so big in a state so small that it seems they're actually going for true democracy), of changing the signs that greet motorists when they enter the state. Currently the signs read "You're going to love it here". I was reading America's best news source, The Onion yesterday, and found the following infografic

(This was taken from the Onion)

What Would Johnny Damon Do?

2006-05-02T08:21:00.001-04:00

The Red Sox had their own rock star in Johnny Damon, who in the off season went for the big bucks to play for the Yankees. Last night he made his first return to Fenway in his new Yankee duds. He got booed, the crowd chanted "Traitor" and he went hitless.

Going into the game, Damon had said that he expected that some fans would cheer him because he helped them win a World Series but a lot of fans would boo him because he's now a Yankee. I think it was one of the Sportscenter guys who quipped, "yeah, he's gonna have to rethink that 'cheering' thing."

Oh yeah, the Sox won, 7-3.

In an even better story, the Sox made a trade with San Diego to reacquire catcher Doug Mirabelli, who had been sent to San Diego in an off-season trade. Mirabelli's primary job on the Sox is to catch knuckleball pitcher Tim Wakefield. The guy they'd hoped could replace him, Josh Bard, was simply unable to do it and had like ten passed balls in four games.

Mirabelli boarded a plane in San Diego, landed in Boston, and got a police escort from the airport to Fenway. He changed into his uniform on the ride from the airport, arrived at Fenway 13 minutes before game time and started the game. (Wakefield was pitching, after all). He didn't allow any passed balls and even threw out a baserunner.

Welcome back Doug, Boo Johnny, and Go Sox

Driving Miss Disney

2006-05-01T12:06:00.000-04:00

Y'all haven't heard from me lately because we packed up the fambly and drove to the Happiest Place on Earth. Well, I'd actually say that the happiest place on Earth is Fenway after a big thumping of the Yankees, but anyhow, we drove to one of the happiest places on earth- Orlando, Florida.

I'm sure I'll have the opportunity to talk more about the trip once I've recovered from all that happiness, (right before the credit card bills roll in, no doubt). Actually, I'm waiting until Mrs Idiot gives me access to the pictures from the trip to write about it. She always screens the pictures carefully before giving them to me to be sure that I haven't snuck in any pictures of me mooning things.

In the meantime, let me throw out a couple of observations I made during the 1,400 miles of driving southward, and then some more that I made during the subsequent 1,400 miles driving northward. (On Saturday I drove what I feel is an astounding 930 miles between the reasonably comfortable hours of 8 am and 10 pm).

Anyhoo, the one thing that struck me is that New Hampshire absolutely leads the world in creative vanity license plates. You can't swing a cat in this state without hitting someone with a funny license plate, whereas there's a dearth of them once you leave the cozy Granite State's borders.
(And no, this has nothing to do with the "Live Free or Die" motto.)

In fact, in all those thousands of miles, there really weren't any memorable vanity plates at all. Well, actually, there were a couple of memorable ones, but for the wrong reasons.

For example, in Virginia we saw a Dodge Durango RT with the license plate "IM CRIST" which stands out in my memory. Now, I too own a Dodge Durango RT and it's a fine vehicle and I'm proud to own the official vehicle of the messiah, but I was a little disappointed as I figured that Jesus would either drive somethingt totally flashy and cool, or else do the other route and drive some piece of crap old VW bus or something. I totally understand about the RT, the 5.9 litre fuel injected engine does sing a beautiful song.

Another memorable plate said GOP4ME.
I said "this must be a urologist" (GO PEE For ME).
Mrs. Idiot said "Oh, I thought it's a Republican" (G.O.P. for ME).
Given that the car was covered with stickers for Republican candidates, I think Mrs. Idiot had that one pegged. (And I'm not kidding about this: one of the candidate's names was "Woodcock"). Perhaps they were both a Republican and a urologist?

Finally, there was a license plate that absolutely appalled me.
The state of Florida (and in doing subsequent research I've learned they're not alone) has issued license plates that say "Choose Life"

Now, leaving totally aside the sticky wicket of being "pro-life" or "pro-choice" for a moment, does it strike anyone else as odd that a state is using an official instrument to put forth a political opinion? Again, I won't even get near the fact that this same opinion tends to run along religious lines.

I'm all in favor of license plate drives that help raise money for schools or manatees or wilderness conservation, but this seems a little too politicized to be right and proper for a state to do. In a nutshell, the court has said "it's a woman's choice, everyone else shut up until we change our mind," and here we have a state (several states, actually) putting the issue on their license plates? Are these states then openly advocating that a Supreme Court ruling be overturned? Can they do that? Should they do that?

Are these states offering Pro-Choice license plates? How is this different than the requirement that radio and television offer equal access to both political parties?

Finally, will there be other issues that states can put on their plates? What if Florida starts chafing about the ban on assault rifles? Will we soon see Gun Nut Plates? How about states that want to get rid of the No Child Left Behind Act? How about all the states looking to deal with the immigrant issue, I can see what they might want for that plate now.
I'm not a very political person and I don't get fired up about this stuff often, but this one disturbs me because I think that putting a political cause on an official instrument like a license plate is wrong. The states are supposed to protect our rights, not steer our policy.

So, GOP4ME and all the rest of you drivers out there, call your congressman and tell 'em you think your state DMV should either get out of the political arena or open up the license plate arena to ALL the political causes out there.... how about this one?

Horton Hears a Hu

2006-04-20T14:41:00.001-04:00

Ok, I'm taking my name out of the running for King of the World.
While I still think I would be the best King that the world has ever seen, I fear that I would spend far too much of my time laughing and far too little of my time kinging.

For example, did you see this picture?
This is a picture of the special "Uranium Enrichment Pageant" that they held in Iran when they'd successfully pulled off the enrichment of uranium. See the dancers holding the representative enriched uranium rods? See the fake flying doves holding the Iranian flag on the special banner? It's all very touching and special, I suppose, but if they'd invited his majesty the Idiot to their special homage to weapons grade radioactivity, there's an excellent choice that I would have launched into a giggle fit as soon as they brought out the radioactive dance troupe, which is probably not good for international relations.

The other example is this Hú Jintāo fellow, the current President of the People's Republic of China and General Secretary of the Communist Party of China. He's currently at the White House meeting with our lovely and charming and idiotic President. I'm glad I'm not there, because I would of course have to poll the room several times;

Village Idiot: "Ok, talking about greenhouse gases now people, I gotta ask, is it that big a deal? Ok, let's do this... raise your hand if you give a shit about greenhouse gases."
(Hu Jintao, the current President of the People's Republic of China and General Secretary of the Communist Party of China, raises his hand).
Village Idiot: "Yeah, just as I suspected, Hu gives a shit!"

and more dumb jokes would no doubt follow....Hu's on first... Hu dunnit...Hu farted....Hu are you kidding?.....Hu do you you think you are?.... Screw Hu and the horse he rode in on .....and so on until he storms out and gives the command to launch the missiles.

I would probably have the Who's "Who Are You?" stuck in my head the whole time, especially the "hu-hu, hu-hu" part, and looking at him, Ol' Hu doesn't seem to be the kinda guy hu would think I'm very funny.

So, it's probably for the best that I'm taking my hat out of the ring and leaving the running of the world to far greater minds, like Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld.

Highway Ornithology

2006-04-18T09:36:00.001-04:00

I'm not a hater, especially on the road. I used to be. In fact, I once saw a movie featuring Ken Wahl in which he tricked out a pick-up truck and went around harpooning drunk drivers. I was so taken with that idea, I wanted to do it to bad drivers. Over the years though, I've mellowed and I have now only this observation:
Bad Drivers are like birds, they come in all kinds of varieties:

The Nimrod- gets in the wrong lane and then cuts over without looking, or sits at the light that just turned green for a minute because they're lost in their cell phone conversation.

The Peckerwood- drives 55 in a 65 until you try to pass them, then they speed up to 75. If you give up, they slow down. Peckerwoods do this without knowing they do it. There is another species that does this intentionally and maliciously, and I believe they are the Rednecked Assbag.

The Dipshit- This species is known for a plethora of bad moves, most notably for creeping into a backed up intersection. Though they do this during a green light, it's almost assured that the back-up will cause them to still be in the middle of the intersection when their light changes, further backing up the intersection. The amazing thing about this species is that they seem to do this same maneuver again and again.

The Poser- this species drives a pick-up truck though they almost never actually haul anything with it. The rear window will be festooned with racing stickers, either of performance parts that they would like to have on their truck, or of NASCAR racers they like. (There is also some variety in the plumage depending on the region- if for example, you spot a Pick-up Poser with a WEBN sticker on their back window, be prepared to give them a wide berth as there could follow any number of seriously assinine driving maneuvers). The Poser's driving is among the worst known to man, featuring unnanounced lane shifts, random acceleration and slowing, wandering from lane to lane and other strange acts of driving incompetence, most of which is marked by the driver assuming the "cell phone to my ear" position. It is easy to confuse the Poser with other species of men who drive pick-ups; the general rule of thumb is that the cleaner the truck bed is, the bigger the Poser.

The Serious Ass*ole- Runs red lights and stop signs, often at a high rate of speed, because they are in such a hurry to get to McDonald's or whatever dumbass place they're headed for. As a motorcyclist, I hate this species and encourage you to also.

The Flatout Nutjob- this is a species I've experienced to be especially native to New England, though it may be native to all rural areas. These drivers get paranoid on the highway if you approach them too fast from behind and will actually slam on their brakes to teach you a lesson about going too fast or getting too close. Sadly, their tendency to drive in the left hand lane of the highway at or just slightly above the speed limit makes them much like little psychotic bombs just waiting for you to come up behind them and set thyem off. In some rare cases, Flatout Nutjobs get so worked up they follow you home or spend many highway miles harassing you to ensure that you've learned your lesson.

The Celler- we've all seen cell phone users do some dumb crap on the roads, so all I have to say about this one is that I actually had someone on a cellphone walk into me at the mall the other day.

Now, fair readers, what species did I miss? Please add your observations to the comments!

It's the Thought That Counts

2006-04-17T08:28:00.000-04:00

Last Spring I wrote a piece about Wally (and his stalker Molly). Well, a few weeks ago baseball season was coming around, and Mrs. Idiot's birthday was coming around, and I put the two together and bought the Mrs. her own little Wally.

My thinking was that we'd put Wally in the fambly room, and since he's such a Sox fan, I might use him as a cheap ploy to switch over to the game a little more often.
And yes, before you say anything, this was not her only gift.

Anyhow, the very day after I ordered Wally, Mrs. Idiot and I had a discussion (or two) about clicker control here at the Chez, and in those discussions she expressed great disdain for the entertainment value of Red Sox broadcasts. Needless to say I thus expected that Wally would go over like a turd in an ice cream cone.

Actually, I shouldn't have worried, Wally has become part of the family. He has his own adirondack chair and everything, and he's settled right in place and watches whatever's on.

Here he is, in his little chair, chillaxing with the Idiots.

The problem is, that Mrs. Idiot is far far smarter than I am, and she took to him so much that she actually learned to communicate with Wally. We'll be drifting into an episode of Criminal Minds, for example, and I'll look over at Wally and say. "Jeez, hon, I think Ol' Wally would like to watch the Sox game."

Mrs. Idiot looks over and says "Nope, he clearly likes Criminal Minds. Look at that smile."

And I have to say, she's got a point.

This is Wally watching supernerds solve crimes on Criminal Minds.

This is Wally watching the Red Sox beat the Mariners yesterday.

Mrs. Idiot explained that no one knew that Wally like all sorts of television shows because all he ever used to watch was Red Sox games, but now that he's at our house it's like a whole new world has opened up for him. She went on to explain how happy she'll be to introduce Wally to PBS, the Academy Awards, all of the different CSI shows and on and on...

Mrs. Idiot beat me at my own game.

(Speaking of TV, I don't want to go into detail because it might spoil it for people, but I love the fact that the Sopranos are branching into New Hampshire as of last night's episode. They think it's tough to be a gangster? They just better hope they don't get between a native and his (or her) Dunkin' Donuts in the morning. The motto ain't Live Free or Die for nuthin').

(By the way, Wally and his little chair are available here),

It's Still Better than Goddamn Poland

2006-04-13T12:32:00.001-04:00

Here's my new favorite page in the Wikipedia. Thanks to occasional anonymous poster Janice for the tip.

Fucking, Austria.

Hurricane Hall of Fame

2006-04-11T10:47:00.001-04:00

Did you see this story?

They are retiring the names of five hurricanes, which is, I suppose, akin to being elected to the hurricane Hall of Fame. I mean, major league baseball retired Jackie Robinson's number, the Celtics retired Larry Bird's jersey, and the World Meteorological Organization retired Wilma.

Here's the part of the story that interested me:
Each of the retired names is replaced by a name that starts with the same letter, so Dennis was retired and will be replaced by Don, Katrina will be replaced by Katia, Rita by Rina, Stan by Sean and Wilma by Whitney.

I totally need to be on the committee that picks the new name. I mean, Hurricane Sean? Hurricane Whitney? Please! Those are so boring!

Where's Puddin'? Pea-Eye? Dimwit? Fartknocker? Wouldn't you rather have your town leveled by Tropical Storm Mr. T than by something wimpy like Alvin? If your house was destroyed by Hurricane Buttmunch, you could at least take solace in the fact that the name made you grin at least once.

Some more fascinating stuff about the hurricane Hall of Fame;
Some 67 names have been retired since storms were first named in 1953. The first to be dropped, in 1954, were Carol and Hazel. Last year's five is the most retired in a single year.

This year's hurricane names will be: Alberto, Beryl, Chris, Debby, Ernesto, Florence, Gordon, Helene, Isaac, Joyce, Kirk, Leslie, Michael, Nadine, Oscar, Patty, Rafael, Sandy, Tony, Valerie, William.

Hurricane Debby? Give me a break. When I'm king, we'll have some real names.
If that number of names suffices.

Late Homework

2006-04-10T08:22:00.001-04:00

I know, I know.

I said I'd post something on Sundays, but yesterday I was busy. We had a beautiful Spring Day, the Masters was on and the leaderboard was close (until late) and blah blah blah.

So, as a token of my esteem, and as a peace offering for having missed my Sunday posting, I share with you a great website.

Awww, come on, check out their Gallery, it's a freakin riot!

Better Luck Next Year

2006-04-07T10:51:00.001-04:00

Last night I was sad to see my University of Maine Black Bears lose in the NCAA Hockey Frozen Four to Wisconsin. (I was especially saddened because there was a bit of heckling involved from a buddy of mine from Wisconsin). In fairness, the Bears lost to an excellent team- Wisconsin goalie Brian Elliot was so good that the only way they could have had a better player in goal would have been to replace him with an enormous brick wall.

We'll get 'em next year.

The Lord Giveth...

2006-04-07T10:50:00.001-04:00

Here's Something...

2006-04-04T08:46:00.001-04:00

On Wednesday of this week, at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in the morning, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06.
That will never happen again.

Too Much TV

2006-04-02T12:24:00.001-04:00

Last week it was my sad misfortune to watch a LOT of television. I'm not sure why, perhaps my body got used to plunking itself on the couch for the NCAA Tourney two weeks in a row only to find the games not there anymore. Mrs. Idiot, who was able to quit her raging television addiction several years ago with the help of the TV patch, seemed awfully familiar with all of the shows we suffered through, so I wonder if the monkey might not be making its way back onto her back, but that's a different story. (Plus, she quit reading my blog months ago so it doesn't matter what I say here).

Anyhoo, first, the good: (Advertising Edition)
The Sonic Commercials during the tournament in which the one guy slaps the tater tot out of his chum's hand and says "Don't you bring that weak tot action! You go strong to your mouth or you don't go at all!" is absolute genius. I desperately searched the internet for it to share with you, but couldn't find it. The best I could do was a parody of an older Sonic commericial that's still pretty funny. Click Here for it, and bring your speakers. Advertising people take note: based on that commercial, I am actively looking for a Sonic to patronize.

The Bad and the Ugly: (Advertising Edition)
The Travelocity Gnome. Ok, we get it, it's a bumbling lawn ornament, why the heck would I want to book a vacation through a company that uses a lawn ornament as its spokesman? I've seen him ram a bus into a buidling, fly a lawnchair into a set of stadium lights and get caught under a baggage cart. Go hire William Shatner and then we'll talk.

The Direct TV Idiots. There's a commercial in which one guy brags that he got a promotion and his loser friend brags that he got Direct TV. If only the guy who got the promotion would fire his loser friend and end the commercial right there.

The Good: (TV Edition)
There are a bunch of good shows on network TV. The Office is hilarious. Scrubs is funny, and I've already fessed up to being a fan of both Survivor and The Amazing Race. (I'm glad they're moving the Race to 8:00. It's a good show, but it ain't worth staying up till 11:00 to see). Dick Wolf has given us zillion hours of taut drama with his three Law and Order shows, but for me those shows are like the fig newtons in the pantry. They're good enough, but since they're always there, they're not nearly as interesting as they could be. I mean, there's a Law and Order on some channel 24/7.
For new shows, The New Adventures of Old Christine with Julia Louis Dreyfus is funny and The Unit, a new show about a special forces team by David Mamet, is excellent.

And that's the whole list:

The Bad and The Ugly: (TV Edition)
CS friggin I.
I was fed up with this series the first time I saw an episode. Crime Scene Investigators who help the police bust down doors? Who interview suspects? Who have crime labs that NASA would envy? I'll suspend my disbelief enough to let Mr. Spock beam klingons around the galaxy, but this Crime Scene people have stretched me to my limit. If these guys are so good, why the hell is OJ walking around free and where the hell is that girl in Aruba? Last week, after one of them, the producer Jerry Bruckheimer had a fifteen second spot in which he magnanimously donated a GMC SUV to a couple of real CSI units, the ones in Las Vegas and Los Angeles I think. ONE SUV each! Holy crap! The show must earn enough to buy each department its own battleship, and he's giving them ONE LOUSY SUV!

Now they've spun the show off into Miami and New York. If there's an actor on TV who is better at overacting than David Caruso, please tell me.

Last week I suffered through Criminal Minds, Cold Case, Close to Home, and Conviction, all of which seem to be the same taut crime drama formula that made Law and Order and CSI so popular, but these aren't as well written or are just plain stupid. Ditto with Numb3rs, Crossing Jordan, Bones and Without a Trace.

What we need is to clean house in L.A, or wherever these TV people live. First of all, we need to hire some middle eastern TV writers because those are some seriously creative people. Have you heard some of the press releases those terrorists issue? We need a little less CSI heroics and a little more "smiting with the two headed serpent sword of the lion of the brotherhood of mighty Utnapishtim's left testicle the ungodly foul odor from the backside of capitalism." Plus, that could be a pretty good way to fight the war on terror: hire them, give them six figure salaries, and make them into TV addled couch potatoes like us.

Wow, Where Did That Week Go?

2006-03-26T13:30:00.001-05:00

I can't believe it's Sunday already.

Another week has passed in which I had absolutely nothing funny to say or was too busy to come here and post something. I promise I'll try to do better in May, which is traditionally the funniest month of the year for a Scorpio. (Yes, I just made that up).

In my defense I've been very busy. Yesterday for example I rode on a big yellow school bus to see the Boston Symphony with the younger and her elementary school classmates and then came home and helped Mrs. Idiot prepare for some guests we had over for a lovely little dinner party. A good time was had by all at both events, but they would make dreadfully dull reading for y'all.

So, to be fair to my faithful readers who come here off and on looking for my usual output of dumb crap, I promise that for the month of April I'll post something every Sunday at the minimum. Should Mars align with Mercury in retrograde and reignite my sense of humor midweek, I'll post it up there as a bonus, but rest assured that if you come by on Mondays from now on, you'll have fresh Idiocy to read for the next month or so.

Rock On,
The Idiot

The Matrimonial Pickled Eggs

2006-03-20T09:29:00.001-05:00

I woke up Sunday morning and sometime therafter, looked at my cell phone. The wallpaper is normally a picture of Buttercup the family Dog, but on Sunday morning it had been replaced by a picture of a couple of jars of pickled eggs.

"Ah," thought I, "it's good to be home."

You see, I went north to my hometown, heretofore referred to as East Bufu to watch my best friend get married. (The groom, Chuck, has been an occasional poster to this blog).

This was no run-of-the-mill wedding. Chuck has been dating his lovely bride for 22 years. Yes, that's right; 22 years. (Chuck's not one who rushes into things).

It was a fantastic wedding that they put a lot of thought and hard work into, and those of us who got to share it with them will forever remember the weekend fondly.

There were lots of pictures and photographers to capture the parties and the receptions, and as I'm an idiot, I of course forgot my camera. I did, however, have my cell phone camera, so I occasionally pulled that out to get the shots that no one else would get. I got a great shot of one of my shoes, for example, when I was trying to figure out how to get the camera to work.

Saturday night, at the official "party after the reception party," I snapped a picture of the pickled eggs that Chuck's family is known for- his father's recipe for pickling eggs is a closely guarded secret. In spite of, or perhaps thanks to, the many beers and jello shots I'd had, I was able to snap the picture AND save it as my phone's wall paper. Now of course, I can't figure out how to get rid of it, but that's ok. I suspect I'm probably the only person in the world to have a picture of Pickled Eggs as their cell phone wallpaper, and that makes me special.

Super special Congratulatory Shout-out to Mr. and Mrs. Chuck; Thank you two for being so awesome and may you have many many many more happy years together.

Happy St. Patty's Day

2006-03-17T09:29:00.001-05:00

And in honor of the day, a dumb Irish joke:

Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over.
"What's wrong, Seamus?" Paddy asked.
"Well didn't ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus.
"Ah, praise the Almighty!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

My Picks

2006-03-16T10:15:00.001-05:00

The NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament is my favorite sporting event of the year. The games are fun, the stories are good, and it's always fun to do the brackets and see who comes out on top in the office pool.

For those of you who want some help, here are my picks. Based on my past performances, I suggest you pick the opposite of what I did.
I think you can click on the picture for a bigger, readable image.

Have Fun!

Thin Puppies

2006-03-14T15:53:00.001-05:00

Ok, readers, I'll warn ya right now, it's gonna be slim pickins here at Kicked Puppies for the next few weeks, possibly for the next couple of months.

We've got the NCAA Tournament coming up, and I'll need to watch every possible second of it, even if it's only to keep tabs on Gonzaga's Adam Morrison, who sports what a Sports Illustrated writer recently brilliantly called his "Fisher-Price My First Moustache."

Then, to make matters worse, The Sopranos has started up again. This is television so good it hurts, (almost better than the NCAA tournament, even).

I thought the new season started brilliantly, by the way. I won't say a thing about it other than that in case you haven't seen it yet.

As if that's not bad enough, The Amazing Race is good this season, and Survivor has been great, so between the tournament, the Sopranos and The Amazing Race, the whole month of March will be blog-free.
In April, Survivor starts up again, the Red Sox start playing again, and there's that whole "Go outside, it's Spring" thing.

May looks like a good month for blogging, but in June, Deadwood starts again. (Shall we compare Al Swearengen's moustache with Morrison's). (I didn't much like season 2 of Deadwood, and I hope that season 3 gets it back to being as good as the first year, which was absolutely riveting television).

Also in June, the Red Sox will be battling for first place, (as will my fantasy baseball team), and I'll be busy on the Harley visiting the homes of fellow bloggers, I might just have to pack it in until next winter... of course then, in March, it starts all over again, only this time, with the return of HBO's best show, Rome.

Seriously, I may need time off from work even.

Kids Say the Darndest Things

2006-03-12T18:21:00.000-05:00

Last night we were driving to a pizza place.
We had me and the Mrs.
Then there was the Teen and her Chum.
Then there was the Younger, and her Chum, and another Chum.
(Yes, it was a VERY long ride).

Anyhoo, The Younger's Posse discovered that the Teen's Chum likes a boy named Fred. The Younger's Chum started a chant while the other two yelled along
"Chummy and Freddie up in a tree... kay eye ess ess eye enn gee..."

at this point it's all just more of their loud noise to me, I can feel another new facial tic developing, and then, the Younger's Chum, having achieved maximum volume for her solo, belted out what she thought were the words:

"First comes drugs, then comes marriage..."

Now, upon reflection I guess I should inquire with her parents as to the exact combination of drugs that led to their marriage, because if Mr. Younger's Chum's Dad used chloroform to woo Mrs. Younger's Chum's Mom, then I guess the rest of us on the street should know about that.

Personally speaking, I like the new lyrics, though it is of course backwards because the marriage causes you to need the drugs, just as I needed a whole lotta beer when we finally arrived at the pizza place.

Gitcher Motor Runnin'

2006-03-11T17:09:00.001-05:00

One year ago today I scribbled the very first post ever here at Kicked Puppies. To celebrate the anniversary of this momentous occasion, I stayed away from the computer as best I could.

And, since it was a beautiful day here in Idiotville, once I finished the chores I put the battery back in the Harley and took it for a spin, something I resolve to do a lot more than I did last summer... Maybe I'll start a "Kicked Puppies World Tour" to help get the word out about my campaign for king. (Yes, I know, it has been a while since I've worked on the campaign. I'm sure I'll get to it soon...)

So watch out, fair readers, I may be on the Harley on my way to your house right now as you read this... do you have enough beer?

Oh yeah, to celebrate having successfully survived a year of blogging, I might take a week or two off from it. Stay tuned, I'll let you know, or won't, depending on what I decide, or not, to do.

(Yes. As you can see, year 2 of Kicked Puppies is starting with all the fantastic planning that was a hallmark of year 1)

Sign of the Apocalypse...NOT!

2006-03-10T07:58:00.001-05:00

Here's the latest sign that the universe attempts to right itself once in a while.
I'm certain that with the right mix of classic rock and hip-hop fans on the jury, Yanni could be sentenced to death.

Further Evidence of My Value To Science

2006-03-09T08:51:00.001-05:00

Did you see this story? Scientists are all jazzed that they've found a family that can walk only on all fours.

LONDON (AFP) - The discovery of a Turkish family that walks on all fours could aid research into the evolution of humans. Researchers believe the five brothers and sisters, who can walk naturally only on all fours, may provide new information on how humans evolved from four-legged hominids to walk upright.

I gotta say that I'm not impressed. We had several family reunions in the late eighties and early nineties in which several generations of the family were reduced to using all fours, and a handful of people couldn't walk at all! Generally, this was after the scotch had run out but before we'd worked our way through Grampa Idiot's Homemade Blueberry Liquor. Once that particular bottle was empty all forms of ambulatory motion, and most forms of communication save going "ahhhghshisss thalllghhshiss" while holding out an empty glass were done until the alcohol wore off.

So some Turks can walk on all fours, big whoop. Let's see 'em do it while singing the Abbey Road medley after a bottle of Wild-eye Blueberry #5 and without breaking their cigarettes. Once they've passed that test, we'll talk.

Leo Launches Shock and Awe

2006-03-07T11:30:00.000-05:00

Responding to the jihad announced by Militant Cat Fluffy X, Leo the Neighbor's Cat has launched a bold new counter-offensive designed to shock and awe his feline enemy.

"I don't know about 'shock' or 'awe'," said a source known only as The Younger, "but when Fluffy saw Leo sitting at the back door waiting for him the other day I thought he might pee on the floor right then and there."

The Counter Offensive, it seems, relies heavily on a strategy of sitting at the back door of Fluffy X's residence. Un-named sources close to Fluffy X state that "the back door was really the only door that Fluffy would use because he was afraid that Leo might be lurking in the bushes near the front door. " A major facet of the plan also seems to involve sitting on the covered hot tub on the deck.

"Oh yeah," said the Younger, "that really got Fluffy worked up because he loves to sit his butt on that warm hot tub cover. If Leo takes that over, Fluffy will have nothing to do with going outside anymore."

At a subsequent hastily called press conference, Fluffy X demanded that Leo abandon his claim to the hot tub, which Fluffy repeatedly referred to as "The Grbac Strip of our time" and also as "The Left Bank." Reporters at the press conference allowed him to continue, but are certain that he meant "Gaza Strip" and "West Bank." The reporters used words such as "agitated," "shrill" and "Off his frickin' rocker" to describe Fluffy's demeanor.

While there was no immediate or official reaction from Leo the Neighbor Cat's Office, not long after the press conference broke up, reporters looked out the back door...

Bass Master

2006-03-06T17:36:00.001-05:00

Another Teacher Joke

2006-03-06T13:53:00.001-05:00

After seeing the wacky fun that the Blonde Geometry Answer inspired, a friend of mine who's a teacher sent me the following list. One of his colleagues actually wrote it and sent it out to the teachers in his building.

Top ten ways to keep parent-teacher confences brief on Parent night

10. Explain that your room is being painted, and tell them the only space available is a stall in the Boys' lavatory.
9. Ask the cafeteria to provide an Italian Sandwich at 2:30 pm with extra onions and garlic
8. Keep a stack of "The Watchtower" on your desk and ask the parents if they've accepted Jesus yet.
7. Blow your nose frequently, and keep saying "this damn avian flu just will not go away."
6. Whenever parents ask a question, turn to invisible friend next to you and say, "I'm not sure...Arthur, what do you think?"
5. Wear a leather overcoat, a black fedora and speak in a heavy German accent (a monocle would be a nice touch, too).
4. Explain that you're not really a teacher, but an Army Recruiter and you'd like to discuss career possibilities for their child.
3. Say, "Strange, I keep receiving inquiries about the two of you from Youth Services. Any idea why?"
2. "I'd love to talk about your son/daughter. But first, how about a kiss?"
1. Conduct all conferences in your underwear

To The Teachers...

2006-03-03T13:39:00.001-05:00

Teachers take a lot of crap and don't get paid much. Here's to them

What Water?

2006-03-02T09:43:00.001-05:00

Leroy sent me the following picture. Apparently there's some concern that recent flooding could cause some serious problems in Ireland. Having lived there for a while, I'm certain that it would take more than water to disrupt that way of life, and I think that this photo bears that out.

Delusions of Grandeur

2006-02-28T13:31:00.001-05:00

Yesterday, Teemu sent me the following joke:

French President Jacques Chirac is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. "Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy O'Brien down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac,the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! Wehave modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from The Ram's Head have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat."I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighterplanes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over many pints and decided there is no fuckin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners atthis time."

I found it to be amusing, especially when coupled with an actual e-mail exchange between Dianna Abdala and her almost employer, William Korman I found on the web yesterday. Somehow their exchange got leaked to the web, and her little delusion of grandeur is almost as great as, and twice as funny as, Jacques Chirac's. Click Here to read the bitchy e-mails.

Goodbye Officer Fife

2006-02-27T12:12:00.000-05:00

In all the excitement and hubbub of America's bronze medal in curling, I missed the fact that Don Knotts passed away on Friday.

We'll miss you, Barney.

The Idiot's Back And There's Gonna Be Trouble

2006-02-24T14:53:00.001-05:00

Ok, there's a post about Fluffy X calling for a Holy War, then a week passes without any updates, and I only get 3 frickin' comments? Thanks for the concern, really. I mean, the Idiot Fambly could well have been being held hostage by our psychotic little tuna-breath terrorist, and there's nary a bit of concern shown by any of the four and a half readers per day who come see this drivel, sheesh!

Fortunately, it wasn't Fluffy that kept me away from the keyboard, or I'd be really mad at y'all. Instead, it was vacation. The Idiots packed up the VistaCruiser and took off on a ski trip. Mrs. Idiot, who is new to the world of Winter Recreation, had some choice words that she threatened to share with y'all, so I'll just report for the rest of us: it was a lot of fun to get back on the slopes.

When I wasn't skiing or walking around complaining about sore muscles as a result of skiing, I was watching the Olympics. I thought that NBC's week one coverage was good, but was very disappointed with their week two coverage. I mean, they spent a LOT of time covering the story of the relationship between American speed skaters Shani Davis and Chad Hedrick, but they spent almost no time covering the relationship between Chad Hedrick and Chad Hedrick's teeth. Have you seen these things?

Chad Hedrick- It's like whoever assembled this guy misread
the label and stuck "XL" teeth in a "M" face.

In other Olympic news, I was happy to see the U.S. Men's Curling team finally bring home a medal. The women were awful, but the Johnson sisters are cute as buttons so I'm ok with their performance. (I should note that in my curling preview I suggested that the women should try curling in the nude against Italy and Great Britain. Since then, Kicked Puppies has had at least 600 people come here after searching for "Cassie Johnson nude.")

Well, I had more Olympic thoughts, and a whole epic poem I'd written about last night's Villanova- University of Cincinnati game, but Mrs Idiot is breathing down my neck to get at the computer, Fluffy X wants to have a talk with me about our "vacation is a time to let the cats fend for themselves" philosophy, and I think that they might be showing curling highlights, so, for the last time in Torino- gotta go, curling's on.

Fluffy X Calls for Jihad

2006-02-17T12:01:00.000-05:00

Idiotsville, NH (TP)- In a move that surprised no one, increasingly militant cat Fluffy X has today called for a jihad or holy war against a long list of his own personal enemies, Assembling the press to his Idiotsville, NH home, Fluffy X harangued the reporters for nearly forty five minutes of vitriolic tirade, culminating in his request that “all my Muslim brothers and sisters unite to rid the world of these scourges”

Included in his list of “scourges” are Buttercup, the family dog and his own brother Toby, who has refused to go along Fluffy X’s plans to become a family of militant Muslims. Sources who have been following Mr. Fluffy’s conversion to Islam say that it’s not a surprise that he included Buttercup and Toby on the list. There were, however, quite a number of items of interest upon which Fluffy X has declared his Holy War.

To wit:
-Heathcliff- Fluffy X expounded for several minutes on this cartoon cat’s inherent inferiority to Garfield, who Fluffy kept referring to as “The Second Prophet.” Said Fluffy X, “It is time for the pretender to bathe in the blood of his own entrails, to taste the steel of Tjaden’s Holy Can Opener, to choke on UntaVishnu’s Blessed Hairball and suffer like the Pretender he is.”
-U.S. Secretary of Defense Miles Hutchinson- This caused great confusion and consternation among the members of the press corps until someone noted that Hutchinson is the Secretary of Defense on The West Wing.
-Whoever the $#&? Locked Me Out Last Night- The greatest barrage of venom in Fluffy’s speech was reserved for this person, who, in Fluffy X’s words “Heartlessly and unscrupulously shut me out in the cold for the entire night when I had made it perfectly clear that I was only going outside for a minute to move my bowels.”
-Leo, the Neighbor’s Cat- A source who would only allow herself to be identified as “The Younger” went on the record as snickering when Fluffy X announced his Holy War on Leo. “Leo totally kicked Fluffy’s ass last week, and the week before, and really every time Fluffy leaves the house. That’s why we can’t get him to go out much and he tries to pee in the houseplants,” said The Younger. “Now he gets really mad if you leave him outside for very long.”

There were many other additions to the list, but the Idiot Family had by then recovered enough from their surprise at the sudden invasion by an army of reporters and had put out a commendable spread of snacks, finger sandwiches and drinks, and much of the rest of Fluffy’s list was probably lost, as after expanding his holy war to include the U.S. Women’s Curling Team for their horrible performance at the games, he appeared to be working without notes.

Beers #37-51

2006-02-16T10:09:00.001-05:00

Here we go on my further adventures to drink a million varieties of beer.

#37- Red Stripe- This one gets a ginormous picture because of the cool "Hooray Beer" commercials, because I drank so much of it over Christmas in Jamaica, and because I happen to have this great picture of a Red Stripe I drank on Doctor's Cave Beach. Red Strip may not be a great beer, but its high alcohol content, happy stubby little bottle and rasta vibe will always make it a favorite in my book.

#38. Red Stripe Light- Also gets a humungous picture because I don't think that Red Stripe light is available in the US, so I thought some of my readers might want a look at the bottle. The real reason is that I uploaded it before I remembered to resize it, and I'm far too lazy to go back and resize it now. I'm pretty sure that they make Red Stripe Light by adding a lot of water to normal Red Stripe, because that's what it tastes like and because the idea fits so well with the "no problem mon, everting irie" philosophy of the island. It tastes a lot like Corona, which is not a good thing in my book. (It's also a much lower alcohol content than regular Red Stripe).

#39. Archer's Ale from Sherwood Forest Brewery. This is a local Massachusetts beer that I had at Connolly's Pub. It was quite good and I'd probably order it again, which given the variety of beers out there, says a lot. I had it as a draught beer, apparently it comes in a can too.

#40. Olde Buzzard Lager from Buzzards Bay Brewing. Another local beer. I really enjoyed this one and would defintely order it again given the opportunity. They apparently brew a number of different styles and seasonals, so I hope to try others by them as their draught lager was very good.

#41. Samuel Smith Oatmeal Stout- A world class beer that was originally brewed as a good way to provide iron and nutritional enrichment for lactating mothers. (I'm not making that up, go to their website. This is one of the world's great stouts.

#42. S'muttonator Doppelbock from Smuttynose- Having had a bad experience with the Smuttynose Scotch Ale and their IPA, I was hesitant to say the least. In the store, I held it up to the light and looked as best I could for the floaties and glop that I'd experienced with the aforementioned beers. (Yes, I've given up all hope of trying to look cool in public. Have you ever tried to look through a doppelbock in grocery store lighting? I'm pretty sure that old ladies looked at me and said "aww, that poor man"). Anyhow, the S'muttonator was good. It's one of their "big beer" series, and it really is a big beer (and it also comes in a big bottle). I recommend it if you're a fan of big dark beers.

#43. Number 9 from Magic Hat Brewery- The label said that this was a flavored pale ale, or almost pale ale, or some sort of jibberish like that. I was impressed with the way it poured, as it has a very nice head. (Ok, my beer geekiness is starting to frighten me). My first sip made me think that they'd completely messed up a pale ale, because it has that coppery taste that some beers get. Mrs. Idiot liked it, so I took another sip and realized that the "flavored" part is something fruity like apricot, not pennies. Now that I know to expect apricot from this beer, I might like subsequent bottles, but without the warning, it had all the markings of a bad beer.

#44. Yellow Snow Ale- This beer is fantastic. A pale ale with a slight hint of some berry (the label tells me it's juniper). I had a few Rogue Beers fifteen years ago or so, and wasn't impressed enough to seek out more. This beer, however, makes me want to go see what other flavors my local store has right this minute.

#45- Samuel Smith's Winter Welcome Ale 2005-6- Heavy and warming, malty and high in alcohol. This is a beer I like in small doses. The big bottle lends itself to sharing, but Mrs. Idiot is not a fan.

#46. St. Gootz (or something like that, the label is hard to read) from Magic Hat Brewery- There's something wrong with this beer. It's a very heavy very dark beer that tastes like a carbonated stout or something. It's extremely possible that the people at Magic Hat are just too sophisticated for my tastes, because at this point I've had two of their beers and didn't really "get" either of them.

#47- Fat Angel from Magic Hat Brewery- I was halfway through this before I even realized it was from Magic Hat (Yes, the beer fridge reached a fullness emergency last week and my relatives and I did our best to empty it in a hurry last weekend). This seems like a perfectly normal ale (I think it's an ale, the bottle went to recycling today). (Hey, I just said I'd drink a million, not render accurate reviews).

#48. Samuel Smith's Organic Lager- Fair to middlin', brewed with organic materials.

#49. Samuel Smith's Nutbrown- This is a great beer AND you get to say "NutBrown"

#50. Magic Hat's Batch 372- Dark, malty but not heavy. Not a bad beer.

#51. Rogue Chocolate Beer- I can't remember if this is called "Chocolate Stout" or what, so I'll just call it chocolate beer. It's bitter, I was expecting a sweet brew like the Sam Adams Chocolate, but this is definitely bitter. Once you get past that initial shock, it's good stuff.

Sensory Overlord.

2006-02-14T15:46:00.001-05:00

Last night Mrs Idiot and I were totally overwhelmed with the TV choices.
First, there was all the drama and pageantry of the Olympics.

Here's a picture of the medal winning snowboarders. The one in the middle is Shaun White, aka "The Flying Tomato".
Not pictured is Finnish Snowboarder Antti Autti, who didn't win a medal but who won my award for snowboarder with the coolest name.

The men's halfpipe wasn't on last night, it was the night before, but I thought I'd post a picture of the redheaded snowboarder just because so many of you have expressed an interest in blotting out the legacy of Danny Bonaduce.

Anyhoo, last night #1 ranked UConn played #4 ranked Villanova, so we had to watch that. (And were rewarded with a great game and a Villanova upset). For those of you who haven't followed college hoops this year, Villanova is a great story; they don't have any "big" players, so they play four guards and run like crazy. They're fun to watch.

Then there was the Westminster Dog Show, some of the best TV around.

Yes. Inside this hair there's a dog. I think it's a Pekingese that came in second in its group last night.
Tonight we get the sporting dogs, hounds, and herders.

So I look forward to tonight's airing of the Westminster Dog Show because I go more for the bigger dogs, like this Mastiff, who has probably shat out things bigger than the Pekingnese.

I also look forward to the Olympics, as I'm boiling over with Olympic Fever. Infact, gotta go, Curling's on.

Oh yeah, and Happy Valentine's Day too.

Olympic Fever

2006-02-13T10:19:00.001-05:00

I didn't update the blog all weekend because I came down with a serious case of Olympic fever. We even watched some of the opening ceremonies, but that was mainly just to laugh at the horrendously silly pageantry. (Italy didn't disappoint there, what with the people robed in white climbing around on ropes- it looked like the Olympics had caught a serious case of the crabs).
Anyhoo, we watched off and on throughout Saturday and all of Sunday (thanks to the blizzard that gave us a foot of snow).

Some random thoughts:
"Bode being Bode" sounds a lot like "Manny being Manny" which is what we New Englanders heard all summer long. I guess that this means that soon Bode will be demanding a trade to the Norwegian team and will start peeing in the Green Monster between innings.

How much would it suck to be Tony Benshoof. The guy leads in the luge with just three contestants left. He could be the first American to win a luge medal ever... then the next guy beats him. Then the next guy beats that guy, then the next guy, yep, beats 'em all. Benshoof goes from 1st to 4th.

Oh-no Apollo! The ad was better than the skating performance!

Shaun "The Flying Tomato" White totally rules.
Gotta run... curling's on.

Speaking of Penguins...

2006-02-10T15:25:00.001-05:00

Did you see this story? I borrowed it from Yahoo news.

Germany's gay zoo penguins still fending off female advances

BERLIN (AFP) - Six gay penguins at a German zoo are still refusing to mate with females of the species flown in from Sweden in 2005, the zoo said.
The problem was that the female Humboldt penguins have proven too shy in their advances, the director of the zoo in the northern port city of Bremerhaven said.
"The Swedes will not make the first move," Heike Kueck said.

Male Humboldt penguin pair
"Sechs Punkt" (Six Point) and
"Schraegstrich" (Slash) cuddling
at the Bremerhaven...

The females were flown in last year in a bid to bring the males to mate and help save the Humboldt species from extinction.
Kueck said last year she was optimistic the initiative would be successful because zoo keepers had noticed that at one point a female penguin had managed to cause a couple of males to "separate".
The zoo has 10 male penguins of which six have shown strong signs of preferring male company and formed couples among themselves.
The initiative to "turn" the penguins and make them mate had prompted a furious response from gay rights groups.
In a statement posted on its Internet website, the zoo on Wednesday sought to defend itself from fresh criticism.
"We will be delighted if the penguins form even one heterosexual couple and manage to produce first an egg, and then a little one," it said.
"But of course we accept the male couples that have formed and we are not trying to enforce heterosexuality, as we were accused of doing last year."

Protesting Comics II

2006-02-09T15:51:00.001-05:00

Mrs. Idiot clued me in to the fact that I didn't understand the whole "protesting the comics" problem that the Muslim people are having right now. I thought they were mad at a comic, you know, like a stand-up comedian. Turns out they're mad at a comic, like in the newspaper. It took her a while, but she finally 'splained it so that I can understand it.

Now that I understand, I have to say that I totally agree with them. There are a LOT of really stupid comics in the paper. I've always thought that Marmaduke is a waste of space, and Blondie is far too hot to be married to a loser like Dagwood Bumstead. I could go on, but you're probably sick of all the "funny pages" talk around the water coolers generated by those protestors.

I will say that I truly truly miss Bloom County. It was the funniest comic ever, and at times it was even the most poignant. Here are three classic Bloom Counties by the genius Berke Breathed.

Protesting Comics

2006-02-08T15:29:00.001-05:00

I read that there are Islamic people all over Europe protesting some comic, and that occasionally the protests are getting violent. I was unable to find the comic's name, but the story has been all over the news so I'll bet you can find it easily.

I say it's about time. These comics have been breeding like rabbits and there are only a handful of them who are actually funny. I watched a show the other night called the Comedians of Comedy Tour and it was the stupidest show I've ever seen. It was these three or four "comedians" who travelled from show to show and we got to watch all the "funny" stuff they do on the tour bus. The title "Comedians of Comedy" is actually the funniest thing about the show. A more accurate title would be "Fat Pathetic Losers on Tour."

I don't know how violently I'd protest those comics, though I would happily kick them in the nuts if it would keep them off the TV. It's made worse by the fact that I'm tired of stand-up comics in general. The massive explosion of them once the Seinfeld Show hit the big time really has produced a glut of people on stage with microphones and wry observational humor that is neither wry nor humorous.

This guy, Brian Posehn, is one of the non-funny comedians to be had on the Comedians of Comedy Tour. If this tour successfully made its way through the U.S. without causing riots, I can't imagine how bad the comic must be that's causing all the trouble in Europe.

After watching that show, I understand how it is that sometimes we can't all just get along. I mean sometimes, there needs to be some nut kicking.

I'm Not Alone...

2006-02-07T10:47:00.001-05:00

You'll note that my Superbowl rantings were actually written while the Seahawks were launching their last drive of the game. I was so disgusted by the whole thing I'd left the room and gone to blog. It was nice to see on Monday that America shared most of my opinions, as USA Today reported that the ad that tested highest was the Magic Fridge Ad, and that a lot of people had been surprised that Mick and the Boys had allowed themselves to be bleeped. (I don't know why they were "surpised" however, because the Stones played at the season opener too, performed one of the same songs (Rough Justice) and were bleeped then too.

The best part, though, is that people seem pretty unanimous in their disgust for the job that the officials did. One of my friends who lives in Seattle sent me the following pic. I think it says it all.

The Frickin' Superbowl

2006-02-05T22:07:00.001-05:00

Here's a picture of the true MVPs of Superbowl XL. There were several bad calls made in the game that I feel probably cost Seattle the game.

The Biggest Blown Calls of the Game:
1. Holding. A Seattle receiver catches the ball on the 3 yard line. Big momentum, game will go Seattle's way. Ref calls holding, ball goes back to line of scrimmage and then back ten more. (30 yards maybe?) Replay shows this idiot that there was no hold. Commentator John Madden also noticed no hold on the replay, and said so.

2. Block below the knee. Matt Hasselbeck throws an interception, (which I think was just two plays after the holding call above?) and tackles the guy who made the pick. Refs call him for blocking below the knee, so Pittsburgh gets the ball plus 15 yards. Totally deflates Seattle. Again, Madden and Michaels in the booth back me up by actually calling this a "bad call".

3. Offensive Pass Interference. Early in the game, Seattle scores a touchdown which is negated by a call of Offensive Pass Interference against the receiver. Ok, the receiver did push off to separate from the back, but there was contact on both sides throughout the route, and if the refs were going to call the game that closely, why didn't they call Pittsburgh for defensive pass interference on several instances, one in particular that sticks in my mind was a replay of a route that showed the receiver (Stevens maybe?) being physically held by a defender (Polamalu?) which caused even Madden to comment.

4. Roethlisberger's TD. That ball did NOT cross any part of the white line.

Ok, so it's just a game, and the Patriots weren't in it so I don't really care on any grand scale. I have a bunch of friends that are Steelers fans and its nice to see them win, but I did have a few friendly wagers out on the game and I really wanted to win them, especially the bet with Mrs. Idiot.

You see, my bet with her was that if the %$#@*& Steelers won, I'd have to go see the gay cowboy movie Brokeback Mountain. I really really don't want to see it, because I like cowboy movies and I don't want to think about Josey Wales and Rooster Cogburn snuggling up on the trail. Still, a bet is a bet and I lost. Ijust wish the refs hadn't lost it for me.

On the bright side, there were a few good commercials, (though I thought the overall quality was down from past years). The "Magic Fridge" Bud Light commercial was my favorite, and the Bud Light Grizzly commercial was my second favorite. The Fed Ex commercial with the cavemen was good, as was the commercial with the stadium holding up cards of a beer getting poured and then consumed.

Mick Jagger looks great, I can't believe he's really 105 year old. I also can't believe that ABC bleeped them twice (Once in "Start Me Up" and once in "Rough Justice"). It should be law that if you're in a rock band and you're old enough to be in AARP then you don't get bleeped.

So there you have it, another season over. I miss football already.

Tagged

2006-02-03T08:14:00.001-05:00

I got tagged by Oregon Celtic Lady to describe the 8 characteristics that I think would make the perfect partner.

Here we go.

1. A Pulse. - Definitely. No negotiation on this one.
2. The Right Parts.- Yep, definite on this one too. I ain't interested in filming Bareback Mountain.
3. A Sense of Humor.- Because of all the dumb shit I do, this one is more for her sake than mine.
4. An Appreciation for Fat Idiots who like to Drink.- I don't think we need too much more detail here.
5. Season Tickets Right Behind the Red Sox Dugout.- You did say perfect, right?
6. Parking to go with the Season Tickets.- Well, duh!
7. Rich Corinthian Leather. - Ok, maybe just in her car, or on her couch.
8. Wicked Smart. - She's gotta be, 'cause someone needs to fix all the messes that Scooby and I get into!

'Course, the bottom line here is that she should be just like Mrs. Village Idiot, because I think she's perfect.

Now I need to tag eight people.
Uh, You, you, you, you, you, you, you and you. Yes you, the one that just read this, I'm talking to you, consider yourself tagged.

If you've done it before, you're exempt, otherwise, get busy scribbling.

HNT- Have No Fear, Toeman Is Here

2006-02-02T06:24:00.000-05:00

I've showed off all my tattoos. Now, all that's left is my imaginary friend Toeman and his sidekick, Jammy.

Happy HNT Everyone!
If y'all want the scoop on this HNT thing, click on the thingy.

The Power of the "Press"

2006-02-01T13:31:00.001-05:00

Did you see this? Just a few short hours after my article highlighting the future of the American Curling teams, this was one of the stories on Yahoo!

Wow! Now I need to go read the article.

USA Curling Kicks Ass!

2006-02-01T10:08:00.001-05:00

Welcome my fellow Olympic Junkies, to the first installment of the annual Kicked Puppies Olympic Preview.

I'm going to begin with the best sport ever invented; Curling!
The Village Idiot comes from a family steeped in a rich curling heritage, so this is the monumental Olympic struggle that is closest to my heart.

So, without further adieu, here we go.

Let me begin by introducing the men's second, who, amazingly enough is named Joe Polo.

Really, I'm not making that up. The guy's name is Joe Freakin' Polo, (ok, so I added the "freakin'" part). Don't believe me? Go to the U.S. Curling Association's Homepage and look it up, (here's Joe's Page). I think we're probably all in agreement that a team led by someone named Joe Polo is bound for greatness, but since our Joe Polo is the second, not the leader, I think all bets are off. My prediction for the men's team then, is that they might win it all, and I have a strong feeling that Joe Polo might kick some serious ass along the way.

Now for the women:

This vision of loveliness is none other than Cassie Johnson. She is the U.S. Women's skip. (Her sister Jamie is the vice-skip). While I think that the men's team could be bound for either glory or spectacular disaster, I think that the Johnson sisters will lead the women's program to Gold in this Olympian bonspiel. (You thought I was kidding about the rich curling heritage didn't you!)

The women should breeze through their first round against Norway, and then will meet their toughest opponent in their second match; Canada. The Canadian women are famous for getting in the heads of their opponents with cheap taunts about the imagined superiority of Tim Horton's coffee over Dunkin' Donuts. That shouldn't be a problem for Team Johnson because they are from middle of nowhere Minnesota, which has neither company anyhow.

Once they're successfully past the Candian team, the women will face the Japanese, who many might dismiss as a "patsy" team. This curling reporter knows better, because the Japanese team will be ready for battle. I think we'll be able to win on skill alone, but should it become necessary to resort to mind games, our women can always tell the Japanese women that Joe Polo is the actual guy who's been embroidered on the shirts, rendering the poor Asians unable to think about anything except shopping for all those great Western Brand Names. (Should the match be too close, I suggest that the women point out American curlers Louis Vuitton and Mike Burberry).

The women's next few matches, Denmark, Sweden and Russia, should be a breeze. The Swedes have legendary skip Ida "Swoosh" Olaffounderssen, originator of the three finger louey, but Ida's advancing years should allow us to get by without too much effort. The Russian team's strategy of dressing its women curlers in super tight suits so as to flaunt their manhood has been on the decline ever since the IOC started cracking down on steroids, so again, I predict three easy victories there.

The only remaining matches are against Italy and Great Britain. We all know that neither country can curl worth beans, the only fear with those matches is that either team might get lucky, or our team might fall through the ice. To prevent any possible upset in those two matches, I recommend that our women's team compete in both of those matches nude. Don't laugh! Curling historians know that it worked for Estavia in '36 and Bostovia in '52!

Having "swept" through their matches undefeated, our women will take on the Canadian team a second time for the Gold. Without their barbed coffee taunts, the toothless Canadian attack will fall short, and our lovely curling lasses will bring home the gold.

So here you go, the curling TV listings for the 2006 Torino Olympics. The dumbasses at NBC are always able to make these subject to change, so check in at www.nbcolympics.com for more details. All times here are eastern.

2/13 USA 3am-6am Men vs. Norway
2/13 USA 8am-11am Women vs. Norway
2/13 CNBC 5pm-8pm Men vs. Finland

2/14 USA 3am-6am Women v Canada
2/14 USA 8am 11am Men v. New Zealand
2/14 CNBC 5pm-8pm Women v. Japan

2/15 USA 8am-11am Women v. Denmark
2/15 CNBC 5pm-8pm Men v Italy

2/16 USA 8am-11am Men v. Sweden
2/16 CNBC 5pm-8pm Women v. Sweden

2/17 USA 8am- 11am Women vs. Russia
2/17 CNBC 5pm-8pm Men vs. Switzerland

2/18 USA 8am-11am Men v. Germany
2/18 CNBC 5pm-8pm Women vs. Italy

2/19 USA 8am-11am Women vs. Switzerland
2/19 CNBC 5pm-8pm Men vs. Great Britain

2/20 USA 8am-11am Men v Canada
2/20 CNBC 5pm- 8pm Women vs. Great Briatin

2/21 CNBC 5pm-8pm Tiebreaker games if necessary

2/22 USA 8am-11am Women’s Semi Finals
2/22 CNBC 5pm-8pm Men’s Semi Finals

2/23 USA 11am-2:30pm Women’s Gold
2/23 MSNBC 7am-10am Women’s Bronze
2/23 CNBC 5pm-8pm Women’s Gold (replay)

2/24 USA 11am-2:30pm Men’s Gold
2/24 MSNBC 7am-10am Men’s Bronze
2/24 CNBC 5pm-8pm Men’s Gold (replay)

The Vidiot Strikes Back

2006-01-30T08:13:00.001-05:00

You may have noticed that my normal torrent of drivel has slowed to a stream. As many of you could tell, I ran out of good jokes in June and milked the material I had left until December, which left precious little to say in January.

Now, it will get worse because of all the good TV coming up.

Right now we've got the Winter X Games. There isn't any better television fare than watching these kids fling themselves about. It's like watching monkeys on crack.

Then, Survivor returns.
Then, the Superbowl.
Then, the idiot TV Feast that is The Winter Olympics.
Then, in March, the Sopranos and Deadwood start up.

I may start running re-runs of other people's blogs here.

30 Facts About Chuck Norris

2006-01-25T14:34:00.001-05:00

The following e-mail with 30 facts about Chuck Norris is going around and I find it hilarious. I think that the orginator of the list has a website somewhere around here. (They're occasionally down. Be patient).

Readers should know that this comes straight from an e-mail, so I take no credit for the humor, (or the occasional bit of salty language in the list, because as several of you may recall I'm making my blog a curse free zone on the advice of one of my sisters).

So, enjoy and as always, thank you Mr. Norris.

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
4. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
5. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
6. The Dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. ONCE.
7. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
8. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
9. If at first you don't succeed, you're obviously not Chuck Norris.
10. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
11. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
12. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
13. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
14. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
15. Chuck Norris doesn't go to the bathroom, he compacts. The energy generated by his compacting bowels could power the East Coast, but instead, it powers Chuck Norris.
16. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
17. When Chuck Norris chews bubblegum, it screams.
18. Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because he is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
19. As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
20. If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
21. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
22. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
23. Originally, God created both Adam and Steve, but God's young apprentice, Chuck Norris, did not approve of Steve's incredibly gay behavior, so he roundhouse kicked Steve until the "S", "t", and penis were knocked out of him.
24. Chuck Norris can smell carbon monoxide.
25. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
26. Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
27. According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
28. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
29. Every time Chuck Norris smiles it saves the life of a dying man. Ironically, Chuck Norris only smiles after he kills someone.
30.Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Words to Live By

2006-01-24T13:29:00.001-05:00

Can you tell I'm finally getting around to cleaning out my e-mail? Here's another chestnut that comes from some genius internet scribbler.

1. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
2. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.
3. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
4. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was worth it.
5. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
6. There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one works.
7. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

The Spelling Chequer Poem

2006-01-22T11:29:00.001-05:00

In case you don't get all the cool e-mails I get, here's another that recently arrived in my box.

Eye halve a spelling chequer
Eye have a spelling checker.
It came with my pea sea.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.

Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it's weigh.
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a bless sing,
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when I rime.

Each frays come posed up on my screen
eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore a veiling checker's
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if we're lacks oar have a laps,
We wood bee maid too wine.

Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flair,
Their are no fault's with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a ware.

Now spelling does knot phase me,
It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped word's fare as hear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaw's are knot aloud.

Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays,
Such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting too pleas.

-- Sauce Unknown

Wow He's Ugly!

2006-01-20T07:49:00.001-05:00

This looks like a man with a hideously deformed face, but it's really not. Figure out what it really is, or if you're a cheater pants, click here.
(If you want a better look at the picture, click on it to enlarge it)

HNT- A Different Sorta Oops

2006-01-19T00:03:00.001-05:00

The Blogger known as Lime was nice enough to give me a gift certificate to get a tattoo of Margaret Thatcher to go with the tattoo I have of Henry Kissinger.

Well, of course I had to go drinkin' before I got the tattoo, and by the time I got to Dave's Awesome House of Tats, I couldn't remember the name "Margaret Thatcher."
Dave and I settled in to drink some more, figuring it would come to us through the sheer wonder of alcohol. We were armed only with the knowledge that I was supposed to get a British person tattooed to my arm and that I was sponsored by Lime.

Of course we spent most of the time saying stupid things to each other in horrible British accents, and ending all our sentences with "Old Chap" and "Old Bean," which is exactly how I ended up with a tattoo not of Margaret Thatcher, but of Mr. Bean.

So, Lime, there ya go. Never send an unattended Idiot on important errands.

If y'all want the scoop on this HNT thing, click on the thingy.

Fun From the E-Mail

2006-01-18T08:48:00.001-05:00

I received the following e-mail the other day, which I found amusing because I might have been the last edumacated person in the country to know that some of our states are red and some are blue. Who'da thunk that soil could be blue? Anyhow, here you go;

Dear Red States,

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy righties believe you are people with higher morals than we lefties.

Peace, Blue States

Alito: Off to a Great Start

2006-01-17T08:26:00.001-05:00

I saw this story at Yahoo the other day. Apparently Alito is very serious about following O'Connor's style, though I think the "Bride in Red" look is more "Ho" than Sandy-Baby. Clicking on the story should get you a full sized view.

The Idiot Tout Sheet

2006-01-16T19:20:00.001-05:00

Rather than spend time railing against the horrendously crappy late-flag-pass-interference call that started the end of the Patriots' season, I thought I'd focus on the positive and share my Superbowl picks with the world. I hope they help you win a lot of money.

The Superbowl will feature Seattle against Pittsburgh, and I think that Seattle will pull it out in the end. The final score will be Seattle 31 Pittsburgh 27

There are, of course, a lot of variables at play here, so let me lay out some alternate scenarios that might develop and influence my picks.

1. Shaun Alexander's concussion. Alexander suffered a concussion in the opening quarter of their game against Washington. If he's back and healthy for their game against the Panthers, then Carolina doesn't stand a chance.
If he's not back, then Carolina could make a show of it, especially if they reinstate the cheerleaders who were arrested earlier in the year.

I mean, I think that bringing back Ms. Keathley and Ms. Thomas would give the other cheerleaders in the squad a lift, and they would all cheer their little hearts out to bring a Carolina victory. Also, if things get dicey in the game, you could always position those two cheerleaders close enough to the Seahawk's bench so as to distract the players from the action on the field.

1. Ben Roethlisberger's arm- There was a bit of a concern about the health of Big Ben's arm at the end of the Steelers' game. If Roethlisberger is healthy then those cheaty pants Denver Broncos don't stand a chance. If he's hurt, Pittsburgh should think about getting celebrities to play quarterback, because they don't stand a chance if Tommy Maddox starts, so they might as well give us fans the thrill of watching Bob Barker and Regis Philbin try and rally the team to victory.

So there you have it sports fans, take it to the bank. Of course, now that the Bengals and the Pats are out of the hunt I could give a crap about football, I'm looking forward to the start of the Olympics instead.

Almost Forgot These: Bars 17-20

2006-01-15T08:57:00.001-05:00

In all the excitement of the holidays, I almost forgot I visited some bars in my quest to reach 100.

#17: Connollys Pub- The Hilton Hotel at Logan Airport. I know, I know, lame.

#18: Doctor's Cave Beach, Montego Bay, Jamaica- I know what you're thinking. First you're thinking "It's a beach, not a bar" and then you're thinking "Can he really read my thoughts?" and now you're thinking "Wow, he CAN read my thoughts!" and now you're not really thinking, you're shrieking in horror. Here's the scoop though; Doctor's Cave Beach has waitresses that walk around and bring beers right to your beach chair, thus, it fits my very loose definition of a bar. Here's a picture of a Red Stripe on my table:

#19. The Groovy Grouper, Montego Bay, Jamaica. Yes, it's every bit as cool as its name. It's actually right next to the beach and has all its tables on what I guess one would call a deck so one can swill Red Stripe and look at the beach.

#20. The Jamaican Bobsled Cafe, Montego Bay, Jamaica. A portion of the proceeds from the Red Stripes I consumed there will go to support the Jamaican Bobsled Team. I feel that that was money well spent, because bobsledding is a lot like my drinking, all downhill from the start.

HNT- Oops!

2006-01-12T00:01:00.001-05:00

Last week I featured my new SOOP tattoo, which is actually supposed to say 2006. Well, soon after getting that tat, I lost my pinky finger in a horrendous flossing accident. We had an emergency meeting of the Kicked Puppies tattoo zoning board and came up with the following fix.

If you want to see what all this silly HNT thing is, click the thingy below for the soop.

By the way- Lime, I know you're waiting to see the tattoo you've paid for... it's on its way I promise!

A Fine Balance Between Goofing Off and Wasting Time

2006-01-10T15:53:00.001-05:00

Remember the Grow Cube and all the fun we had wasting time with it? Here's a new game along those lines that is sure to help you make your Wednesday as unproductive as my Tuesday was.

As new objects fall into the sea, pick them up and hang them up with the mouse. Keep everything balanced to the best of your ability.

Click here for the fun.

Be sure to leave me a comment as to exactly how much time this wastes for you. Have Fun!

Cat! Cat! Cat! Cat!

2006-01-09T14:30:00.001-05:00

For today's post, I turn the blog over to my friend Jerry.

My teenage son got a speeding ticket last week for going 52 miles an hour in a 35 zone. When I was explaining to him the importance of obeying the speed limit, he explained that the law was completely wrong and that one could easily and safely travel down the street in question at 50 mph.

We hopped in the car, at my insistance, and I drove us to the scene of the crime. It is a residential street, and only a teenager could think that 50 is a safe speed here.

Being a thoughtful, caring parent, I began pointing out all of the reasons why a prudent driver would consider 35 to be the optimum speed for this particular stretch of road. I pointed to the parked cars and big trees that might hide people just waiting to dart out into traffic when my son yelled "CAT! CAT! CAT! CAT!"

I hit the brakes, but it was too late, we nailed that poor cat.

We were both rattled, and I looked at my son and was about to explain that this incident only served to prove my point when he spoke up. "Well, Dad," he said "going 35 didn't really help the cat at all did it? and if we'd been going 52, we would have been way past here when that cat ran out into the road."

In my mind, I could see the scoreboard;
Kid 1 Jerry 0

The next day, I went out into the driveway and discovered a puddle under my car. Hitting the cat had ruptured something under the radiator that caused something to malfunction that caused me to have a $357.00 repair bill.

New Scoreboard;
Kid 1 Cat 1 Jerry 0

Why do I even try?

It's the Chronic- (what?) cals of Narnia

2006-01-07T09:07:00.001-05:00

This Rap Video, Lazy Sunday, appeared on Saturday Night Live a couple of weeks ago. I thought it was a riot.

Check It Out

Bowling with Mrs. Idiot

2006-01-06T07:47:00.001-05:00

This past week, we've been knee deep in the football bowl games. I'd been looking forward to Notre Dame-Ohio State Fiesta Bowl so much that I was practically rabid by the time they finally kicked off. I lost twenty-five dollars on that one to a friend of mine who both loves Ohio State and hates Notre Dame, so from this idiot's perspective, the game sucked.

Later that night we watched West Virginia go up 28-0 over Georgia in the first quarter of the Sugar Bowl and went to bed, figuring that the game was all but over. You can imagine how disappointed I was that Georgia came back and turned it into a close game while we slept.

Then came Penn State-FloridaState in the Orange bowl. Just as I was glad to see Charlie Weis bring Notre Dame back from the edge of irrelevance, I've been happy to see Joe Pa bring Penn State back into the mix again. Also, just because I feel that there should be something in the world for me to hate besides the Yankees and the Lakers, I've arbitrarily taken it upon myself to hate all teams from the State of Florida. Football, Badminton, Hockey or Jai Alai, it doesn't matter- if they're from Florida I've sworn to hate them. I was thus rather distraught when Florida State looked really tough against Penn State. When Penn State took a 14-13 lead, I went to bed because I couldn't stand it any more and they've done just fine all season without me watching. Little did I know that the good guys would eventually win after 3 overtimes.

Which brings us to the Rose Bowl, the much hyped battle between USC and Texas. At kickoff, Mrs. Idiot offered to bet me $50 that Texas would win. I took the bet.

I didn't realize how much football the woman had absorbed over the previous week. When Reggie Bush tried to lateral the ball in the first quarter and announcer Keith Jackson mistook it for a fumble, my sweet and dainty wife yelled "No, it was a lateral, dumbass."

Then, later, when Vince Young did the same thing and Keith Jackson again mistook the play for a fumble, she repeated her remark and added "What, are the announcers drunk or stupid?" It got worse, because late in the 1st half when USC quarterback Matt Leinart attempted the world's ugliest slide and wound up getting hit pretty hard, my wife said to Leinart as he lay crumpled on the field;
"Aww, for the love of God get up and play football Princess, we're all waiting here."

USC Coach Pete Carroll checks to make sure Matt Leinart is ok after a New Hampshire woman called him "Princess"

As it became clear that Texas wasn't going to go away, I had to ask Mrs. Idiot what had inspired her to bet. I mean, this isn't a betting woman. The last time I got her to bet with me on a sporting event was the 1991 World Series, when I took Minnesota and as a result she had to get up and make the coffee for a month.

"Matthew McConaughey," she said quite simply, "He's a big Texas fan, and he's super hot." In fact, she noted that he's the only person on her list of people she can run off with. Now, if only betting schemes worked that well for the rest of us.

Matthew McConaughey receives word that he's made Mrs. Idiot's list AND got mentioned in this blog.

HNT- A Sooper New Year

2006-01-05T00:01:00.001-05:00

Yeah, um, here's a tattoo that went bad. In my mind it was an homage to the new year, but to most people it looks like it says "soop"

Here's what it would look like if I had done it right, or could stand on my head a lot better

If you're interested in HNT
Click for the soop, I mean scoop

Stop Sign Kid

2006-01-04T18:50:00.001-05:00

I don't know why this is funny, but it just is.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the stop sign kid.

ok, while we're on the topic, toy plane goes bad.

Frata Mon Life Is Hard

2006-01-03T07:20:00.001-05:00

While In Jamaica last week, we got stuck in a minor traffic jam, probably the result of a goat in the road. At the time, our driver had the Bob Marley CD Legend cranked. (It was enough of a back-up that I barely got a chuckle out of him when I pointed out that "we be traffic jamming, mon").

Our driver, Barry, was somewhere in his early twenties. As we listened to Legend, he occasionally sang along, and it became pretty clear that he knew maybe one or two lines from each song. I found this amusing, because every other t-shirt for sale in Jamaica has a picture of Bob Marley on it, and there are tens of millions of American frat boys and college dorm students who know every word, riddim and nuance of all the songs on Legend.

So, with that as an a intro, I now present for your amusement an article I borrowed word for word from The Onion. I take no credit for it, so if you're amused by it, go read The Onion, week after week it's the funniest thing in America).

Bob Marley Rises From Grave To Free Frat Boys From Bonds Of Oppression
WILLIAMSBURG, VA—In an unprecedented effort to fight injustice, reggae music legend Bob Marley, dead since 1981, rose from his grave in Jamaica early Sunday to free his most devoted followers, American college fraternity members, "from the bonds of oppression."

Marley's recordings, which originally raised awareness of the Rastafarian faith and the plight of underprivileged Jamaicans and Africans, have taken on an even deeper meaning as the Greek fraternal system, a maligned, misunderstood minority group itself, has fervently embraced the driving, soulful music.

Minutes after his resurrection, the dreadlocked spirit materialized in the backyard of Epsilon Iota, the Sigma Nu chapter of the College of William and Mary in Virginia. Radiating a transcendent aura, Marley addressed the college's recent campus-wide ban on bonfires. "I appeared to I fraternity brothers to tell them be strong," said Marley, standing in front of hundreds of hooting fraternity members. "I say don't let dean of students, Henry Riegert, fool ya, or even try to school ya. We'll get that bonfire going in time for da mixer, mon. A fire a man's own business."

Marley plays Fight Night.

Marley was referring to Dean Henry Riegert, who recently denied Sigma Nu's request to host the annual homecoming mixer after their back-to-school party resulted in three severe injuries and two cases of acute alcohol poisoning. "I songs was about the plight of the brothers and sisters in Jamaica, mon," Marley said. "But right now, it is the frata mon who need it more. They are standing by I music during they keg party."

Marley has been touring the country, acting as the voice for America's fraternities. "Frata mon's life is hard," said Marley during a press conference Monday at Iowa State University's Acacia fraternity. "Professor, he flunk you all the time. Policeman, he ticket you for the noise. Board of Regents, they make so many rule, try to keep the fraternity music down."
In ongoing meetings with fraternity presidents nationwide, Marley said he has heard accounts of mandatory sensitivity seminars, confiscated fake IDs, citations for public nudity, and unfair public perceptions of fraternity members.

These harrowing stories have inspired Marley to hold a benefit concert Oct. 15 at the Las Olas Open-Air Ampitheater in Cabo San Lucas. All proceeds from the benefit, which could prove the largest gathering of reggae-loving frat members since the Reggae Sunsplash tour in 1997, will go to a legal-defense fund overseen by the North American Interfraternity Conference. Admission to the concert will be free for any member of the fraternity system wearing a baseball hat cocked to the side or back. "I is hoping to get as many of I brothers to the concert as I can," Marley said. "I want them to see that many people may not hear the cries of the oppressively rich white children, but Bob Marley hear them."

Jason "Boner" Bonham, chapter president of the Zeta Beta Tau fraternity at Tufts University, described Marley's second coming as "killer." "We're going to Cabo San Lucas!" Bonham said. "The only thing that would be better is if Jim Morrison himself rose from the grave to jam with Bob." "Seriously, I'm such a huge fan that I've practically worn out my CD copy of Legend. It's the best music," Bonham added.

Marley helps a frat boy release his body from the tyranny of alcohol.

Although Marley will return to his grave after the Cabo San Lucas concert, he said he will rise up occasionally to give impromptu shows in the billiard rooms, arcades, and basements of fraternity houses across the nation. "Rasta no abide a sad fraternity mon," Marley said. "I and I will see da brothaman through. These songs of freedom... They all they ever had."

Blog Swag

2006-01-02T10:53:00.001-05:00

This is a special shout out to my sister and her husband, for the very nice Christmas gifts with a Kicked Puppies theme.

As if having a "Village Idiot" fleece weren't cool enough, check this out;

Eh? Eh? Are those the coolest or what?

Thanks, sis, you rock!

Nice Up Di New Year, Mon

2006-01-01T09:39:00.001-05:00

Irie, Bredrin n Sistren, wha’ppun?

Yah mon, the Idiot Family wen fi Jamdown fo Christmas, mi naa wrap up. (Dat wicked, nuh?) We stay inna stoosh place in Mobay. Dey nuh odda way, see it? We jus come off di ironbud lasnight. Reespek.

Santa brought us white sandy beaches for Christmas

For the benefit of the white people, I just said something to the effect that the Idiot Family went to Jamaica for Christmas, where we stayed in a very nice villa in Montego Bay. (We just got back last night). A good time was had by all, and I'll be writing more about it once I recover from the culture shock. (We left Montego Bay with temps in the 80's and flew into a snowstorm in Boston). On the bright side, Dunkin Donuts seems to have survived the week without me.

So, cease n Sekkle, Bredrin n Sistren, evrting irie.
Jah Guide, mon.

The Christmas Break

2005-12-23T00:16:00.001-05:00

This was the year we had to level with the younger one as to truth about Santa. Seeing that she's about to enter middle school, we figured we were running the risk of having her get beat up if we sent her to school much longer not knowing the whole deal. Plus, running any sort of scam this long takes a toll and frankly, the Idiots are tired.
Mrs. Village Idiot sat the child down and had the talk and, all things considered, they both survived the ordeal quite well. The younger one's best friend had been trying to clue her in, so it didn't come out of the clear blue sky, and Mrs. Idiot has been preparing for (and dreading) a Santa-free house for at least a couple of years.

From "the talk", we learned that our Easter Bunny was never really believable. I believe that this is probably less a testament to our deception skills than a defense mechanism by our children; they were both terrified by Chuck E. Cheese and still get nervous whenever they're approached by the giant furry team mascots at sporting events, so the idea of a humungous rabbit breaking and entering with baskets of eggs was probably too terrifying for them and they immediately dismissed it as more weird jibberish from the parental channel. On a brighter front, she had totally bought the Tooth Fairy, and we actually thought we'd have to provide evidence to prove it.
"Yeah, right Mom," said the girl sarcastically, "What happened to all our baby teeth? You got 'em in a drawer upstairs?" This was said with all the sneering certainty that only little kids can get away with.
(big pause while child thinks)
Child thinks, family sees lightbulb come on over child's head, child cracks enormous grin.
Child says "You have our baby teeth in some drawer upstairs, don't you."
Parents realize they have yet another precious story with which to embarrass child.

When it was all over, they split a pint of Ben and Jerry's Phish Food and the world was good again.

So, that got me thinking. The thing I miss most about the Christmasses of my youth isn't Santa, it's vacation. Remember how in school you always got at least a week and a half off? I spent many many days in my youth looking forward to vacation. Counting down the days, dragging through that last week until we were free! Free! FREE!! Then, even better, college gave us a month off! Why can't we do that in the business world too?

Here's a new plank for my campaign for king platform- a two week holiday break in December for everyone. I know we'll need emergency people and store employees and lots of help desk people to answer phones when the new holiday gadgets don't work, but really, I think the world will be a better place if we all take a little more time off. Double Pay for the people that have to work during the break, and give everyone else the last two weeks of December off. We have plenty of plastic pipe, lawn ornaments, and GMC trucks - close those factories! God knows we get enough lawyering and business smoozing done, close the firms and lock the doors, everyone has to go home and chill out.

So that you see I'm a fellow who practices what he preaches, I'm starting my break plan right now. I'm taking the rest of December off. No working, no blogging- just pure sloth.
That's right, you heard me, I'm shutting down Kicked Puppies for the rest of the month and sending the staff home to their families. They've worked hard bringing the news to the people, now they can finally relax.

Fear not, I'll be back in the New Year with a fresh new start and the same old idiocy. Until then, take a break; tell your boss that the Village Idiot says you need time off for Festivus. (If that doesn't work, just start crying uncontrollably about the fact that someone stole your strawberries, that's how I got the time off).

2005 has been fun, and a lot of that fun for us here in the Idiot Household has been as a result of our meager attempts to make y'all laugh. We've enjoyed the creation, production and constant evolution of this blog, but we've especially enjoyed your feedback. (There's nothing better than getting a call from an old friend telling me I made them shoot Coca-Cola out their nose with a fart joke). Thank you all for the kind words, they really do mean a lot. It's been fun, and I look forward to more of it next year.

Happy Holidays all, may they be fun, safe, restful and a little wacky. May your 2006 be your best year yet, and may you come back and read my jibberish when I fire the typewriter up again on Jan. 1.

For now, though, skedaddle, there's nothing more to see here. Go read an old post, or better yet, hug someone you care about.

HNT- Showin' off my Tupac

2005-12-22T00:50:00.001-05:00

Here's the latest in my parade of tattoos. I got this one as an homage to the late Tupac Shakur, because I figured that that would impress my homegirl Pink, who really turned out to be Lil Kim, who has nothing to to with Inked, which is nothing like Punk'd. So, in a nutshell, I'm an idiot and have a cool new Thug Life tat. If you want the whole story behind my tattooing, click here.

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What's next? The Annoying Porcupine?

2005-12-21T07:06:00.001-05:00

The news story about the penguin missing from a zoo in the U.K. is certainly sad, but on the bright side it introduced me to my new favorite species:

Ladies and Gents, allow me to introduce Spheniscus demersus, more commonly known as the Jackass Penguin. I know, I know, you think I'm making up the name, but no. Go here and learn. It's as if a previous incarnation of the Village Idiot had thunk up the name.

As an homage to my new favorite bird, I offer up the following joke, one of the world's greatest dumb jokes, and one of the few good jokes about penguins. To make it even better, I offer it to you as told by talking chimps. Really, how much better could this blog be? Click here for the Penguin Joke, and have your speakers on.

On an interesting side note, I first saw the video above at work. A colleague gave me a disc full of company pictures for a project I was working on, but in fact, it only said it was a disc of company pictures. Instead were videos entitled Farting Preacher 3, BarMonkey, and HardJeopardy. He'd burned the disc to take home and accidently passed it on to me. There's a lesson there somewhere I'm sure, but for now, enjoy a good laugh. I sure did, for a couple of different reasons, when he gave me that disc.

To Dream the Griswoldian Dream

2005-12-20T08:22:00.001-05:00

I was kind of sad to hear that the congress busted George Bush's attempts to use our super-cool spy network on our own people, because I'm pretty sure that if the program had gone on long enough, we would finally learn the secret location of the Keebler Elves, and thus learn how they make those E.L. Fudge cookies so friggin' good.

Well, I guess that's a dream that will go unrealized, but in the meantime, I've been out spying on Christmas lights
You've probably already seen this since it's been making the rounds in email. If not, you're in for a treat. Here are a couple of examples of the most incredible Christmas lights you'll ever seen on a home, and it's set to music, so be sure to have the speakers on.

Lights Display #1

Lights Display #2

Clark Griswold would be proud.

Christmas at Burger King

2005-12-19T12:15:00.001-05:00

The Burger King Christmas Carol

You'll want speakers for this.

A Million Beers- #23-36

2005-12-18T12:40:00.001-05:00

Here we go further on my quest to drink a million different beers.

First, the beers for which there is no photographic evidence:

#23. Homebrew Porter- a porter brewed by a friend that he dubbed Father James, since the process of brewing it was so complicated he had to send up many prayers and invoke the names of quite a number of saints. The prayers worked as it was an awesome batch of beer.

#24. Bud Light (in a can)- My nephew invited me to watch the then #1 ranked UNH Wildcat football team play the University of Northern Iowa in the playoffs. At the pregame tailgate I had a couple of cans of Bud Light. Keep in mind that with the wind chill it was like three degrees above zero outside, and the game started at 11:00am. Nothing will make you feel old like standing around with college kids who are actually excited to drink cans of Bud Light before noon in the frigid temps. UNH lost in an upset, and I got chapped lips, but it was all good fun.

#25- Budweiser- Ah, the King of Beers. I took that same nephew to see Dave Matthews last week, and I let the lad buy me a beer in return. I ordered a "Bud" which he referred to as a "Diesel." I don't know why.

#26- Budweiser Select- This was also at the DMB show, though this was the show in Boston. The lounge had aluminum bottles of the stuff, which I had never seen before and was pretty impressed with. As W pointed out, the aluminum bottle should really help in cutting back the injuries sustained in bar fights.

#27- Harpoon IPA- This was a draft beer from the Boston show. Yes, in fact, I did drink a lot that night. (We won't even mention the Jagermeister). In general I'm not a fan of Pale Ales, but Harpoon makes a good one that I'll happily drink.

#28- Sierra Nevada Pale Ale- One of my all-time favorite beers that appeared as if by magic as we were chatting after both the shows. Smooth and crisp and just the right amount of tart. Mmmm.

#29- Guinness- I haven't decided yet whether I'm going to count beers that are poured from a tap as separate from those that come in a bottle. For example, Sam Adams Boston Lager on tap would be "one", and Sam Adams Boston Lager from a bottle would be "two". True beer geeks would probably be ok with that, and it's really the only way I'll get anywhere near a million, but since that kind of major policy decision requires much thought, for now, I'm only going to count Guinness from a tap as a separate beer since it's truly the only way to drink Guinness. I had several jars of the stuff at bars 14-16.

#30- Guinness Draught- (in a bottle). Before the discovery of whatever that little plastic thing in the bottle does, there was no way to enjoy good Guinness except at the pub that serves it. (The draught cans were ok, these bottles are better). They truly are brilliant, because this is the best beer in the world, by far. If only the bottles were a bit bigger. (I think they only hold like 10 oz. of beer and they're pretty pricey).

#31 Sam Adams Winter Lager- a darkish beer with some spices, maybe cinamon or something. Very nice for cold weather. I'll definitely be taking this to tailgating next year instead of mooching Bud Lights.

#32-Samichlaus Bier- This is the heaviest lager in the world, and one of the heaviest beers. It's brewed one day a year (Dec. 6, St. Nick's Day (Samichlaus means Santa Claus in Swiss-German) and then "lagers" or ferments for a whole year before they bottle it. This particular bottle was bottled in 1996, which, yes, means it was brewed in December of 1995. It has been in my refrigerator even since.(I know, I know, I need to clean the fridge more often). I finally popped it open and drank a good portion of it (from a shot glass) before I lost interest in it. It's extremely thick and very high in alcohol, more like a port wine or liquor than a beer, but not as sweet.

#33- Samichlaus Bier- This one was brewed in 1996 and bottled in 1997. This one wasn't refrigerated all that time like the other one was, and seemed a little less smooth than its friend. It might have been my imagination, as I was pretty nervous as to what I would find in bottles of beer that have been sitting around for ten years.

#34 Sam Adams Holiday Porter- (yes, I bought one of their winter sampler packs, can you tell?). I'm a big fan of porters and this is a good one. It's very malty but still reasonably light. To the credit of my friend's porter mentioned above, I actually liked the Father James better than the Sam Adams.

#35- Sam Adams Cranberry Lambic- I'm a big fan of lambic style beers and this is a pretty good one. It's tart but not as tart as some of the Belgian lambics. It's a bit on the wild side for an American beer, but not so wild that Americans wouldn't want to drink it. The Boston Beer Company is good at knowing their audience.

#36 -Sam Adams Old Fezziwig- Very heavily spiced, heavy beer. Great for cold nights and its sweetness is like a christmas cookie or something. Great beer for the holidays and a great beer for winter hot tubbing.

The Sweet Science

2005-12-17T08:56:00.001-05:00

A few weeks ago I expressed my displeasure at the scientific community for spending time analyzing the physics of cow tipping instead of making my life more like George Jetson's. I see that they've chosen to thumb their noses at me.

Cure for cow flatulence cooked up by scientists

Thu Dec 16, 7:52 AM ET
LONDON (Reuters) - Cows belching and breaking wind cause methane pollution but scientists say they have developed a diet to make pastures smell like roses -- almost. "In some experiments we get a 70 percent decrease (in methane emissions), which is quite staggering," biochemist John Wallace told Reuters in a telephone interview.
Wallace, leader of the microbial biochemistry group at the Rowett Research Institute in Aberdeen, said the secret to sweeter-smelling cows is a food additive based on fumaric acid, a naturally occurring chemical essential to respiration of animal and vegetable tissues.
A 12-month commercial and scientific evaluation of the additive has just begun, but he said if it proves successful it could be a boon to cutting down on greehouse gas emissions.
"In total around 14 percent of global methane comes from the guts of farm animals. It is worth doing something about," Wallace said. Other big sources of methane are landfills, coalmines, rice paddies and bogs.
Scientists in Australia and New Zealand have also been working to develop similar products amid growing concern about greenhouse gas emissions from cattle and sheep.
In New Zealand the government in 2003 proposed a flatulence tax, with methane emitted by farm animals responsible for more than half the country's greenhouse gases. The plan was ultimately withdrawn after widespread protests.
"We've had more success than they (scientists in Australia and New Zealand) have. Everyone has been trying different methods. We just got lucky," Wallace said.

I Need a Name

2005-12-16T14:39:00.001-05:00

Earth is an awesome place for people who like to laugh. Maybe we should start sending that out into deep space and attract aliens looking for a chuckle. And yes, I expect they'll be laughing at us, not with us.

Here's yet another fine example:

India's high-tech hub Bangalore to be renamed 'town of boiled beans'
BANGALORE, India (AFP) - India's high-tech capital Bangalore, known worldwide as an outsourcing hub, will change name to reflect the local language and become "the town of boiled beans", the state chief minister said.
Bangalore, according to state historians, got its name from Bendakalooru (the town of boiled beans) after a king strayed into the area during a hunting trip in the late 14th century.
A woman offered him a meal of boiled beans which the king enjoyed so much that he named the town after the dish. Bengaluru is a transliteration of the original spelling, according to state historians.

And another:
Town votes to rename itself Secretsanta.com
SALMON, Idaho (Reuters) - Officials in the northern Idaho town of Santa, Idaho, on Monday voted to rename the 115-person hamlet Secretsanta.com to hype an online gift exchange management service. Last-minute legal wrangling left unclear whether the water board for Santa, the town's only official body, had the authority to approve a new moniker. Even so, the board voted in favor of becoming Secretsanta.com in exchange for an undisclosed sum from a planned documentary on the name change.

Now, all that name changing got me thinking. I've already mentioned on these pages that Native American words that were adopted by settlers as place names have amused me greatly. As examples, I offer up Winnacunnet High School, the town of Mooselookmeguntic, and the Nonesuch River.
Now, without further ado, the staff here at Kicked Puppies will give you the top ten list of the best place names in the world.

10. Boiled Beans, India
9. George, Washington
8. Oh, Canada
7. PlacewhereItookthathugedump, Oklahoma
6. Secret Santa.com, Idaho
5. Secret Satan.org, Idaho
4. Armpittsfield, Massachusetts
3. Loserville, Kentucky
2. PlacewhereJoetookthathugedump, Colorado
1. ToriSpelling, California

Don't It Make You Wanna Stay?

2005-12-16T09:18:00.001-05:00

Last night I attended the last show of the Dave Matthews Band's mini winter tour in Boston. Mrs. Idiot again opted to sit this one out so the relative previously known on this blog as W was kind enough to accompany me.

I say "kind enough" because it was, as are all Idiot adventures, a night that had some bumps along the way. After the show, we hung around in the lounge and then hung around backstage so I could chat with my chum. Eventually, we started out toward the parking garage, but found that we'd been hanging around so long that most of the exit doors were locked. For what seemed like a very long time we wandered around the empty TD Banknorth Garden trying to find our way out. I was ready to hunker down, build a small cooking fire for warmth, and wait until morning when someone would surely rescue us, but eventually W found our way to the car and made our way north, but it was very late by the time we rolled back into New Hampshire. (Hopefully W was able to take advantage of today's snow storm and not go to work).

The show was a good one with some awesome gems like Dancing Nancies and Seek Up mixed in with some new stuff. It was also cool to hear the new song Old Dirt Hill. I look forward to seeing how that song will evolve in concerts down the road. For the encore of Ants Marching, Dave wore a Santa hat and a pair of giant goofy sunglasses that people had thrown up on stage.

As always, thanks to my bud for the tickets and the passes, and thanks to W for the driving and the company, and thanks to Mother Nature for the snowstorm, so I didn't have to drag my old, tired and headachy self into work this morning.

Thursday Dec 15 2005
TD Banknorth Garden

Pantala Naga Pampa
Rapunzel *
Hunger For The Great Light *
Crash Into Me
Recently *
Everybody Wake Up *
Grey Street *
Seek Up
Pig
American Baby Intro *
Dancing Nancies *
Old Dirt Hill *
Louisiana Bayou *
Stand Up *
Where Are You Going
Stay *
__________________

Christmas Song
Ants Marching

* featuring Rashawn Ross on trumpet

HNT- Half Nekkid Kissinger

2005-12-15T06:43:00.001-05:00

Here's a second tattoo in my tattoo parade. This one is of course former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger.
"Why?" you ask.
"Why Not!" says I.
Besides, I figured that having a foreign relations and intellectual whiz like Hank K. on my shoulder would boost my street credAND my campaign for king of the world.

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Snow Pants Detente

2005-12-14T14:48:00.001-05:00

After the silliness of the "omygodwasthatjohnnydepp?" story in The Portsmouth Herald, I turned to a slightly less provincial paper, The Boston Globe.

I was pleased to read that the United States has finally resolved its dispute with China about the number of Snow Pants we can import.

Now I can finally get a good night's sleep.

Small Town News?

2005-12-14T06:46:00.001-05:00

Ok, that's it.

Yesterday I read this article in The Portsmouth Herald, one of our local papers:
Can you read that? It's a story about whether or not actor Johnny Depp had been visiting Portsmouth,NH.
But wait, it gets better:
The story was on the FRONT PAGE!

The writer had no evidence except that she saw someone who looks like Depp come out of a shop. She then went nuts and used all her journalistic skills to get to the bottom of this major frickin' story. Then, somehow, this madness made it to the front page of the paper.

But wait, it gets better:
They got part of their story wrong!

Here's the correction they printed on their website. Seems that the author, Andrea Bulfinch (abulfinch@seacoastonline.com), was too busy chasing around people who look like Johnny Depp to actually research the story or something.

My favorite part of the article was a quote from a realtor responding to a "query" that the reporter had made while following up a rumor that this poor man was looking to buy a home here. Said this realtor, "Perhaps you should stop writing about these ‘sightings’ and let the man enjoy the coast the same way we do ... peacefully." Indeed, Andrea, I think we all agree that you should leave the poor man alone and get a real job.

But wait, it gets better;
They never actually found out if it was him! It's basically a story that says "Yesterday I saw someone who looks like Johnny Depp. I spent the day trying to find out if it was him. No one could say for sure. Here's some quotes by people about how hot Johnny Depp is and some more about what losers the guys in Portsmouth are. The end." Go see for yourself here.

I can't wait until tomorrow's paper comes out, maybe someone saw Mel Gibson! Maybe a bird flew into a window! Maybe they'll do another blistering expose on the fact that every year the leaves fall off the trees!

Have you ever seen Funny Farm? It's an old Chevy Chase movie in which he and his wife move to an idyllic town in the country and soon learn that all of the people in the town are pretty much crazy.

Yeah, it's like that.

Stand Up!

2005-12-13T08:11:00.001-05:00

See, I told you I was gonna run a little wild and maybe even go see some of that rock and roll music.

Last night I went to see The Dave Matthews Band in Manchester. It was an awesome show, and especially fitting that it was an awesome show since it was the first time that the DMB has ever played in New Hamsphire. It was also the largest crowd (11,400) in the short history of the Verizon Wireless Arena. I haven't been to an indoor DMB concert in several years, and I was especially impressed with the crowd's energy. There was a LOT of singing, dancing and general carrying on.

Mrs. Idiot, who has been my trusty concert sidekick lo these many years, decided to sit this one out so I took one of my plethora of nephews, a college kid who had not seen Dave Matthews before. I think he was suitably impressed.

The night started a bit strangely, because it was the first concert to which I've brought an Italian Sandwich. A buddy of mine works with Dave Matthews and since it was an extra special treat to have him come to New Hampshire, I had to hook him up with a Super Original from Moe's Italian Sandwiches. I explained to the security at the door that I was smuggling in food for a guy in the crew and that it would be going straight backstage and then onto the bus, so it's not really a violation of the "no food in the arena" rule.
"An Italian?" the security woman said skeptically.
"Yep," I nodded. She started to shake her head and say no.
"It's from Moe's!" I said, and she let us in with it.
Once in, it took a while to hook up with my chum, so we had to sit in our very nice seats with our Italian, which of course smelled strongly like an Italian sandwich. I was glad when we were finally able to pass it on, I was pretty sure that some of those people would have mugged us when the munchies hit them.

The one sour note of the evening was that during the song Stand Up, someone in our section cut the cheese. I'm talking this was an inhuman smell. Let me assure my readers that this was no garden variety squeaker; this thing probably would have killed someone had the owner loosed it in a small enclosed space. As it was, set free among the 11,400 people of the Verizon Wireless Arena, it literally staggered several people in my row and then hung around a while. Once we recovered, everyone around us laughed, eyes still watering, except for two very rotund men directly in front of me. We're pretty sure that they were ground zero, and they may have worked together on it.

"Other than that, the show was spectacular!" said Mrs. Lincoln.
Here's the setlist.

Don’t Drink the Water
Hunger For The Great Light
Grey Street
Dream Girl
One Sweet World
Granny
Louisiana Bayou
Don’t Burn The Pig
Bartender
Crash
Everybody Wake Up
Stand Up
Jimi Thing *
#36/Everyday
Ants Marching

Christmas Song
Tripping Billies

* For Jimi Thing, opening act Mike Doughty came out and did a fun little scat/rap thing with Dave.

Extra special thanks to my chum for the tickets and the passes. You know who you are and you totally rock. Hope you liked the sandwich!

Livin' On the Edge- Bars #14-16

2005-12-12T07:56:00.001-05:00

Regular reader Coastal Cutie suggested the other day that I need to get a life besides this blog. I know she was only joking, but I decided that she was right.
Right after I read her words, I took the pocket protector out of my pocket and spent the rest of the day livin' on the edge with my pens in my shirt pocket without a pocket protector! It was so thrilling!
Invigorated, I even went to three bars in my quest to reach 100.

14. JD's Tavern, Manchester, NH- Nice bar in a hotel. I had a Guinness

15. Strange Brew Tavern, Manchester, NH- Very cool little bar with a live band, good food and an antique Harley in the corner. (There's even a sign outside that says bikers are welcome but that they shouldn't wear their colors). I had several Guinnesses. My friends decided that they've heard enough live music lately so we left when the band started. I was ok with that, since the thrill of spending all that time with no pocket protector had pretty much caught up with me by then.

16. JW Hill's Sports Bar and Grille, Manchester, NH- Nice bar that was almost empty by the time we got there. I had a couple more Guinnesses and tried to watch football, poker, and the Celtics all at the same time, as they have mutiple side by side tv's. I was pretty sure it would cause my head to explode, and was reassured when my friend said that if that happened he'd call Mrs. Idiot to come claim the body as soon as he got home, if he remembered.

So there you have it. Idiot running wild and on the loose. Who knows what kind of madness will follow! I purposely chose an extremely ugly tie today to show what a rebel I am. Maybe tonight I'll get a tattoo or go see a rock and roll concert.

Rock On,
Idiot Without a Cause

We Got Some Snow

2005-12-10T10:46:00.001-05:00

The television news said that yesterday's snow fall was 15 inches here in Idiotville. I'm going to use that as the official count because I suspect it's more scientific than my method, which is to measure it with a beer:

As you can see, the snow last night was several inches taller than a Sam Adams. Of course, the snow was still falling at that point and I was using the snow on top of the hot tub as my gauge. I think there may be some problems with my method. No wonder the news people never call me back when I offer to be a Junior Weatherman.

So, here in Idiotville, we're enjoying a winter wonderland. Actually, no, we're not ALL enjoying it. Fluffy X, as he is now known, held another press conference to declare that if this winter thing continues, he will have to kill us all. (To read about Fluffy X's first press conference, the one in which he cast off his slave name, go here).

Personally, I think he's bluffing.