Olympic Fever

I didn't update the blog all weekend because I came down with a serious case of Olympic fever. We even watched some of the opening ceremonies, but that was mainly just to laugh at the horrendously silly pageantry. (Italy didn't disappoint there, what with the people robed in white climbing around on ropes- it looked like the Olympics had caught a serious case of the crabs).
Anyhoo, we watched off and on throughout Saturday and all of Sunday (thanks to the blizzard that gave us a foot of snow).

Some random thoughts:
"Bode being Bode" sounds a lot like "Manny being Manny" which is what we New Englanders heard all summer long. I guess that this means that soon Bode will be demanding a trade to the Norwegian team and will start peeing in the Green Monster between innings.

How much would it suck to be Tony Benshoof. The guy leads in the luge with just three contestants left. He could be the first American to win a luge medal ever... then the next guy beats him. Then the next guy beats that guy, then the next guy, yep, beats 'em all. Benshoof goes from 1st to 4th.

Oh-no Apollo! The ad was better than the skating performance!

Shaun "The Flying Tomato" White totally rules.
Gotta run... curling's on.

Speaking of Penguins...

Did you see this story? I borrowed it from Yahoo news.

Germany's gay zoo penguins still fending off female advances

BERLIN (AFP) - Six gay penguins at a German zoo are still refusing to mate with females of the species flown in from Sweden in 2005, the zoo said.
The problem was that the female Humboldt penguins have proven too shy in their advances, the director of the zoo in the northern port city of Bremerhaven said.
"The Swedes will not make the first move," Heike Kueck said.

Male Humboldt penguin pair
"Sechs Punkt" (Six Point) and
"Schraegstrich" (Slash) cuddling
at the Bremerhaven...

The females were flown in last year in a bid to bring the males to mate and help save the Humboldt species from extinction.
Kueck said last year she was optimistic the initiative would be successful because zoo keepers had noticed that at one point a female penguin had managed to cause a couple of males to "separate".
The zoo has 10 male penguins of which six have shown strong signs of preferring male company and formed couples among themselves.
The initiative to "turn" the penguins and make them mate had prompted a furious response from gay rights groups.
In a statement posted on its Internet website, the zoo on Wednesday sought to defend itself from fresh criticism.
"We will be delighted if the penguins form even one heterosexual couple and manage to produce first an egg, and then a little one," it said.
"But of course we accept the male couples that have formed and we are not trying to enforce heterosexuality, as we were accused of doing last year."

Protesting Comics II

Mrs. Idiot clued me in to the fact that I didn't understand the whole "protesting the comics" problem that the Muslim people are having right now. I thought they were mad at a comic, you know, like a stand-up comedian. Turns out they're mad at a comic, like in the newspaper. It took her a while, but she finally 'splained it so that I can understand it.

Now that I understand, I have to say that I totally agree with them. There are a LOT of really stupid comics in the paper. I've always thought that Marmaduke is a waste of space, and Blondie is far too hot to be married to a loser like Dagwood Bumstead. I could go on, but you're probably sick of all the "funny pages" talk around the water coolers generated by those protestors.

I will say that I truly truly miss Bloom County. It was the funniest comic ever, and at times it was even the most poignant. Here are three classic Bloom Counties by the genius Berke Breathed.

Protesting Comics

I read that there are Islamic people all over Europe protesting some comic, and that occasionally the protests are getting violent. I was unable to find the comic's name, but the story has been all over the news so I'll bet you can find it easily.

I say it's about time. These comics have been breeding like rabbits and there are only a handful of them who are actually funny. I watched a show the other night called the Comedians of Comedy Tour and it was the stupidest show I've ever seen. It was these three or four "comedians" who travelled from show to show and we got to watch all the "funny" stuff they do on the tour bus. The title "Comedians of Comedy" is actually the funniest thing about the show. A more accurate title would be "Fat Pathetic Losers on Tour."

I don't know how violently I'd protest those comics, though I would happily kick them in the nuts if it would keep them off the TV. It's made worse by the fact that I'm tired of stand-up comics in general. The massive explosion of them once the Seinfeld Show hit the big time really has produced a glut of people on stage with microphones and wry observational humor that is neither wry nor humorous.


This guy, Brian Posehn, is one of the non-funny comedians to be had on the Comedians of Comedy Tour. If this tour successfully made its way through the U.S. without causing riots, I can't imagine how bad the comic must be that's causing all the trouble in Europe.

After watching that show, I understand how it is that sometimes we can't all just get along. I mean sometimes, there needs to be some nut kicking.

I'm Not Alone...

You'll note that my Superbowl rantings were actually written while the Seahawks were launching their last drive of the game. I was so disgusted by the whole thing I'd left the room and gone to blog. It was nice to see on Monday that America shared most of my opinions, as USA Today reported that the ad that tested highest was the Magic Fridge Ad, and that a lot of people had been surprised that Mick and the Boys had allowed themselves to be bleeped. (I don't know why they were "surpised" however, because the Stones played at the season opener too, performed one of the same songs (Rough Justice) and were bleeped then too.

The best part, though, is that people seem pretty unanimous in their disgust for the job that the officials did. One of my friends who lives in Seattle sent me the following pic. I think it says it all.

The Frickin' Superbowl

Here's a picture of the true MVPs of Superbowl XL. There were several bad calls made in the game that I feel probably cost Seattle the game.

The Biggest Blown Calls of the Game:
1. Holding. A Seattle receiver catches the ball on the 3 yard line. Big momentum, game will go Seattle's way. Ref calls holding, ball goes back to line of scrimmage and then back ten more. (30 yards maybe?) Replay shows this idiot that there was no hold. Commentator John Madden also noticed no hold on the replay, and said so.

2. Block below the knee. Matt Hasselbeck throws an interception, (which I think was just two plays after the holding call above?) and tackles the guy who made the pick. Refs call him for blocking below the knee, so Pittsburgh gets the ball plus 15 yards. Totally deflates Seattle. Again, Madden and Michaels in the booth back me up by actually calling this a "bad call".

3. Offensive Pass Interference. Early in the game, Seattle scores a touchdown which is negated by a call of Offensive Pass Interference against the receiver. Ok, the receiver did push off to separate from the back, but there was contact on both sides throughout the route, and if the refs were going to call the game that closely, why didn't they call Pittsburgh for defensive pass interference on several instances, one in particular that sticks in my mind was a replay of a route that showed the receiver (Stevens maybe?) being physically held by a defender (Polamalu?) which caused even Madden to comment.

4. Roethlisberger's TD. That ball did NOT cross any part of the white line.

Ok, so it's just a game, and the Patriots weren't in it so I don't really care on any grand scale. I have a bunch of friends that are Steelers fans and its nice to see them win, but I did have a few friendly wagers out on the game and I really wanted to win them, especially the bet with Mrs. Idiot.

You see, my bet with her was that if the %$#@*& Steelers won, I'd have to go see the gay cowboy movie Brokeback Mountain. I really really don't want to see it, because I like cowboy movies and I don't want to think about Josey Wales and Rooster Cogburn snuggling up on the trail. Still, a bet is a bet and I lost. Ijust wish the refs hadn't lost it for me.

On the bright side, there were a few good commercials, (though I thought the overall quality was down from past years). The "Magic Fridge" Bud Light commercial was my favorite, and the Bud Light Grizzly commercial was my second favorite. The Fed Ex commercial with the cavemen was good, as was the commercial with the stadium holding up cards of a beer getting poured and then consumed.

Mick Jagger looks great, I can't believe he's really 105 year old. I also can't believe that ABC bleeped them twice (Once in "Start Me Up" and once in "Rough Justice"). It should be law that if you're in a rock band and you're old enough to be in AARP then you don't get bleeped.

So there you have it, another season over. I miss football already.

Tagged

I got tagged by Oregon Celtic Lady to describe the 8 characteristics that I think would make the perfect partner.

Here we go.

1. A Pulse. - Definitely. No negotiation on this one.
2. The Right Parts.- Yep, definite on this one too. I ain't interested in filming Bareback Mountain.
3. A Sense of Humor.- Because of all the dumb shit I do, this one is more for her sake than mine.
4. An Appreciation for Fat Idiots who like to Drink.- I don't think we need too much more detail here.
5. Season Tickets Right Behind the Red Sox Dugout.- You did say perfect, right?
6. Parking to go with the Season Tickets.- Well, duh!
7. Rich Corinthian Leather. - Ok, maybe just in her car, or on her couch.
8. Wicked Smart. - She's gotta be, 'cause someone needs to fix all the messes that Scooby and I get into!

'Course, the bottom line here is that she should be just like Mrs. Village Idiot, because I think she's perfect.

Now I need to tag eight people.
Uh, You, you, you, you, you, you, you and you. Yes you, the one that just read this, I'm talking to you, consider yourself tagged.

If you've done it before, you're exempt, otherwise, get busy scribbling.

HNT- Have No Fear, Toeman Is Here

I've showed off all my tattoos. Now, all that's left is my imaginary friend Toeman and his sidekick, Jammy.








Happy HNT Everyone!
If y'all want the scoop on this HNT thing, click on the thingy.

The Power of the "Press"

Did you see this? Just a few short hours after my article highlighting the future of the American Curling teams, this was one of the stories on Yahoo!

Wow! Now I need to go read the article.

USA Curling Kicks Ass!

Welcome my fellow Olympic Junkies, to the first installment of the annual Kicked Puppies Olympic Preview.

I'm going to begin with the best sport ever invented; Curling!
The Village Idiot comes from a family steeped in a rich curling heritage, so this is the monumental Olympic struggle that is closest to my heart.

So, without further adieu, here we go.

Let me begin by introducing the men's second, who, amazingly enough is named Joe Polo.

Really, I'm not making that up. The guy's name is Joe Freakin' Polo, (ok, so I added the "freakin'" part). Don't believe me? Go to the U.S. Curling Association's Homepage and look it up, (here's Joe's Page). I think we're probably all in agreement that a team led by someone named Joe Polo is bound for greatness, but since our Joe Polo is the second, not the leader, I think all bets are off. My prediction for the men's team then, is that they might win it all, and I have a strong feeling that Joe Polo might kick some serious ass along the way.

Now for the women:

This vision of loveliness is none other than Cassie Johnson. She is the U.S. Women's skip. (Her sister Jamie is the vice-skip). While I think that the men's team could be bound for either glory or spectacular disaster, I think that the Johnson sisters will lead the women's program to Gold in this Olympian bonspiel. (You thought I was kidding about the rich curling heritage didn't you!)

The women should breeze through their first round against Norway, and then will meet their toughest opponent in their second match; Canada. The Canadian women are famous for getting in the heads of their opponents with cheap taunts about the imagined superiority of Tim Horton's coffee over Dunkin' Donuts. That shouldn't be a problem for Team Johnson because they are from middle of nowhere Minnesota, which has neither company anyhow.

Once they're successfully past the Candian team, the women will face the Japanese, who many might dismiss as a "patsy" team. This curling reporter knows better, because the Japanese team will be ready for battle. I think we'll be able to win on skill alone, but should it become necessary to resort to mind games, our women can always tell the Japanese women that Joe Polo is the actual guy who's been embroidered on the shirts, rendering the poor Asians unable to think about anything except shopping for all those great Western Brand Names. (Should the match be too close, I suggest that the women point out American curlers Louis Vuitton and Mike Burberry).

The women's next few matches, Denmark, Sweden and Russia, should be a breeze. The Swedes have legendary skip Ida "Swoosh" Olaffounderssen, originator of the three finger louey, but Ida's advancing years should allow us to get by without too much effort. The Russian team's strategy of dressing its women curlers in super tight suits so as to flaunt their manhood has been on the decline ever since the IOC started cracking down on steroids, so again, I predict three easy victories there.

The only remaining matches are against Italy and Great Britain. We all know that neither country can curl worth beans, the only fear with those matches is that either team might get lucky, or our team might fall through the ice. To prevent any possible upset in those two matches, I recommend that our women's team compete in both of those matches nude. Don't laugh! Curling historians know that it worked for Estavia in '36 and Bostovia in '52!

Having "swept" through their matches undefeated, our women will take on the Canadian team a second time for the Gold. Without their barbed coffee taunts, the toothless Canadian attack will fall short, and our lovely curling lasses will bring home the gold.

So here you go, the curling TV listings for the 2006 Torino Olympics. The dumbasses at NBC are always able to make these subject to change, so check in at www.nbcolympics.com for more details. All times here are eastern.

2/13 USA 3am-6am Men vs. Norway
2/13 USA 8am-11am Women vs. Norway
2/13 CNBC 5pm-8pm Men vs. Finland

2/14 USA 3am-6am Women v Canada
2/14 USA 8am 11am Men v. New Zealand
2/14 CNBC 5pm-8pm Women v. Japan

2/15 USA 8am-11am Women v. Denmark
2/15 CNBC 5pm-8pm Men v Italy

2/16 USA 8am-11am Men v. Sweden
2/16 CNBC 5pm-8pm Women v. Sweden

2/17 USA 8am- 11am Women vs. Russia
2/17 CNBC 5pm-8pm Men vs. Switzerland

2/18 USA 8am-11am Men v. Germany
2/18 CNBC 5pm-8pm Women vs. Italy

2/19 USA 8am-11am Women vs. Switzerland
2/19 CNBC 5pm-8pm Men vs. Great Britain

2/20 USA 8am-11am Men v Canada
2/20 CNBC 5pm- 8pm Women vs. Great Briatin

2/21 CNBC 5pm-8pm Tiebreaker games if necessary

2/22 USA 8am-11am Women’s Semi Finals
2/22 CNBC 5pm-8pm Men’s Semi Finals

2/23 USA 11am-2:30pm Women’s Gold
2/23 MSNBC 7am-10am Women’s Bronze
2/23 CNBC 5pm-8pm Women’s Gold (replay)

2/24 USA 11am-2:30pm Men’s Gold
2/24 MSNBC 7am-10am Men’s Bronze
2/24 CNBC 5pm-8pm Men’s Gold (replay)