Welcome my fellow Olympic Junkies, to the first installment of the annual Kicked Puppies Olympic Preview.
I'm going to begin with the best sport ever invented; Curling!
The Village Idiot comes from a family steeped in a rich curling heritage, so this is the monumental Olympic struggle that is closest to my heart.
So, without further adieu, here we go.
Let me begin by introducing the men's second, who, amazingly enough is named Joe Polo.
Really, I'm not making that up. The guy's name is Joe Freakin' Polo, (ok, so I added the "freakin'" part). Don't believe me? Go to the U.S. Curling Association's Homepage and look it up, (here's Joe's Page). I think we're probably all in agreement that a team led by someone named Joe Polo is bound for greatness, but since our Joe Polo is the second, not the leader, I think all bets are off. My prediction for the men's team then, is that they might win it all, and I have a strong feeling that Joe Polo might kick some serious ass along the way.
Now for the women:
This vision of loveliness is none other than Cassie Johnson. She is the U.S. Women's skip. (Her sister Jamie is the vice-skip). While I think that the men's team could be bound for either glory or spectacular disaster, I think that the Johnson sisters will lead the women's program to Gold in this Olympian bonspiel. (You thought I was kidding about the rich curling heritage didn't you!)
The women should breeze through their first round against Norway, and then will meet their toughest opponent in their second match; Canada. The Canadian women are famous for getting in the heads of their opponents with cheap taunts about the imagined superiority of Tim Horton's coffee over Dunkin' Donuts. That shouldn't be a problem for Team Johnson because they are from middle of nowhere Minnesota, which has neither company anyhow.
Once they're successfully past the Candian team, the women will face the Japanese, who many might dismiss as a "patsy" team. This curling reporter knows better, because the Japanese team will be ready for battle. I think we'll be able to win on skill alone, but should it become necessary to resort to mind games, our women can always tell the Japanese women that Joe Polo is the actual guy who's been embroidered on the shirts, rendering the poor Asians unable to think about anything except shopping for all those great Western Brand Names. (Should the match be too close, I suggest that the women point out American curlers Louis Vuitton and Mike Burberry).
The women's next few matches, Denmark, Sweden and Russia, should be a breeze. The Swedes have legendary skip Ida "Swoosh" Olaffounderssen, originator of the three finger louey, but Ida's advancing years should allow us to get by without too much effort. The Russian team's strategy of dressing its women curlers in super tight suits so as to flaunt their manhood has been on the decline ever since the IOC started cracking down on steroids, so again, I predict three easy victories there.
The only remaining matches are against Italy and Great Britain. We all know that neither country can curl worth beans, the only fear with those matches is that either team might get lucky, or our team might fall through the ice. To prevent any possible upset in those two matches, I recommend that our women's team compete in both of those matches nude. Don't laugh! Curling historians know that it worked for Estavia in '36 and Bostovia in '52!
Having "swept" through their matches undefeated, our women will take on the Canadian team a second time for the Gold. Without their barbed coffee taunts, the toothless Canadian attack will fall short, and our lovely curling lasses will bring home the gold.
So here you go, the curling TV listings for the 2006 Torino Olympics. The dumbasses at NBC are always able to make these subject to change, so check in at www.nbcolympics.com for more details. All times here are eastern.
2/13 USA 3am-6am Men vs. Norway
2/13 USA 8am-11am Women vs. Norway
2/13 CNBC 5pm-8pm Men vs. Finland
2/14 USA 3am-6am Women v Canada
2/14 USA 8am 11am Men v. New Zealand
2/14 CNBC 5pm-8pm Women v. Japan
2/15 USA 8am-11am Women v. Denmark
2/15 CNBC 5pm-8pm Men v Italy
2/16 USA 8am-11am Men v. Sweden
2/16 CNBC 5pm-8pm Women v. Sweden
2/17 USA 8am- 11am Women vs. Russia
2/17 CNBC 5pm-8pm Men vs. Switzerland
2/18 USA 8am-11am Men v. Germany
2/18 CNBC 5pm-8pm Women vs. Italy
2/19 USA 8am-11am Women vs. Switzerland
2/19 CNBC 5pm-8pm Men vs. Great Britain
2/20 USA 8am-11am Men v Canada
2/20 CNBC 5pm- 8pm Women vs. Great Briatin
2/21 CNBC 5pm-8pm Tiebreaker games if necessary
2/22 USA 8am-11am Women’s Semi Finals
2/22 CNBC 5pm-8pm Men’s Semi Finals
2/23 USA 11am-2:30pm Women’s Gold
2/23 MSNBC 7am-10am Women’s Bronze
2/23 CNBC 5pm-8pm Women’s Gold (replay)
2/24 USA 11am-2:30pm Men’s Gold
2/24 MSNBC 7am-10am Men’s Bronze
2/24 CNBC 5pm-8pm Men’s Gold (replay)