Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Burger Wars Heat Up

Did you see this story? It was all over the New Hampshire news yesterday. Some guy named Ronald MacDonald was an employee of a Wendy's and was arrested for stealing.

Bet he got the idea from the Hamburgler, that guy is serious trouble. If only Mayor McCheese were still in power, he wouldn't tolerate lawlessness like this.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Southpark Idiot, the Sequel

Mrs. Idiot said that the the Southpark image of myself I'd posted a couple of weeks ago looked exactly like me back in 1983 or so. She insisted I update, so here ya go.

I call this one "Stupid but Happy"

If you want to make your own, go here

The Highlight Of My Day

I have a co-worker who highlights EVERYTHING.

You give her a list, she reads it and then goes back to highlight the important parts. Give her a calendar, she reads it, then goes back to highlight the important parts.

All that's good, except that she winds up highlighting EVERYTHING.

I've thought about asking her about it. I've thought I should probably point out that highlighting everything is really just the same as highlighting nothing at all. I mean, if you've just turned every word on the page yellow, nothing really stands out, which kind of defeats the whole purpose of that magical highlighter technology.

This particular coworker is getting a bit advanced in years, so I thought that she was perhaps highlighting everything in order to see it better, but I the other day I found a document in a file from like 1980 that she'd highlighted the crap out of, so that ain't it.

Thus far I've been able to restrain myself and, miraculously, haven't teased her about her colorful hobby. I'm also fighting the temptation to see what would happen if I hid the highlighters for a day or two. (Mostly that out of fear, not kindness, because I witnessed first hand the madness that ensued last year when a tape dispenser went missing. We literally had to lock down the building until it turned up unharmed).

Yeah. Exactly.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Bringing Da News

I found this interesting tidbit over at USA Today.

So naturally, I needed to conduct my own poll and publish the results in an equally snazzy infographic

Sunday, November 27, 2005

NFL Name of the Week

This week I'm resurrecting an old feature that I never actually started, the Pro Athlete Name of the Week. And I'm starting it with style...

Lofa Tatupu- Seattle Seahawks

Lofa Tatupu (low-fah tattoo-poo) is one of my favorite players because his father, Mosi Tatupu, was one of my favorite players with the Patriots. Lofa started his college football career at the University of Maine, a division I-AA school, because he didn't get much interest from the big schools as an undersized linebacker. After an outstanding year as a true freshman at Maine, he transferred to USC where his hard work and nose for the football helped make him a standout.

All that's great and all, but his name is what got him the tremendous honor of being listed here. Say it with me, it's like a Buddhist chant, good for your soul and fun at the same time:
Lofa Tatupu, Lofa Tatupu, Lofa Tatupu.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Edumacating The Fambly

As usual, Thanksgiving was a blast. My sister and her husband cooked an incredible meal and had the whole family over to their Central Maine home. We laughed a lot, ate a lot and generally had a great time. The holiday was complete with a mini-snowstorm which made the drive up a little hairy, but since I like snow (until March and April) it was all good in my book.

As usual, the dinner conversation was hilarious.

The hottest topic was the tale of my relative Leroy, who you met in a post about Chinese Toilets. He came all the way back from China for the holiday. The day before Thanksgiving, around 2 in the afternoon, he decided it would be fun for him to go into our hunting camp and try a little deer hunting. He bought a license, drove into the camp, chatted a bit, walked into the woods and shot an 8 point buck. Yes, exactly. He spent more time driving in on the camp road than he spent in the woods. No, even better, he spent more time in line at the store buying his hunting license than he spent in the woods. His method for luring 8 point bucks? Unwrapping a cigar, which is what he was doing when he looked up and saw the thing looking over at him.

Leroy's father summed it up at the table when he said "He's got a horse shoe up his ass."

Then the topic turned to the camp, which has a fresh new look because the forester who cuts wood in there has cleared out a lot of the trees around the camp. Leroy's father, who we'll call Bruce, explained that the loss of the trees is fine, except that it makes the outhouse very exposed. It used to be nestled in amongst the trees, now it stands all by its lonesome.

This of course led to a general conversation about outhouses.

There was the time that the hunting camp outhouse became the residence of choice for a huge porcupine. (I couldn't possibly do justice to that story).

My Sainted Mother was raised on a rural farm and didn't have indoor plumbing until she went to college. She told us that their family's outhouse was probably 60 yards from the house and that they all dreaded the walk out to it, especially in the cold of Maine winters. One day, her father came home with some lumber he'd picked up somewhere, and he proceded to build an outhouse closer to the house, right behind the garage they'd just built. The whole family was very excited. On her inaugural voyage to the new outhouse, however, she discovered that the new loo was crawling with ants. Apparently Grampa had gotten such a deal on the lumber he didn't mind the ants. The kids went back to using the old one.

As our family is all about higher education and asking the big questions, it naturally occurred to someone to ask "Why do they cut a moon in the door of an outhouse?" After some musing, Bruce said to me "You're a nerd, why don't you go look that up."

Ok, he might not have actually said that, but it was close enough.

Here's the answer, paraphrased from The Vanishing American Outhouse by Ronald S. Barlow:
Back in the the day in Europe, innkeepers had a men's outhouse and a women's outhouse. Because most people were illiterate, they had a symbol to designate which was which. The men's room had a masculine symbol, the sun, and women got a feminine symbol, the quarter moon. That tradition continued into America. When space dictated that there could be only one outhouse or when one of the outhouses fell apart, the innkeepers (and/or family) would keep the door that had the feminine symbol (the quarter moon) because the outhouse should be well-maintained for women to use, because men could just go under a tree. (and, if you're Leroy, probably shoot an 8 point buck while you're under that tree).

I should note that in the course of my research I discovered this tour of outhouses across America and around the world. Yes, apparently you really can find anything on the internet.

Friday, November 25, 2005

The Big Pecker

I know, this picture is from several Thanksgiving's ago, but it's too funny not to post on an annual basis.
Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Half Nekkid Thanksgiving

Drawing a hand turkey for Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving.


Wednesday, November 23, 2005


A 'hard of hearing' man took his wife to the doctor one evening, and the doctor told him that she had 'Acute Angina'. He said,"she has pretty tits too, but whats that got to do with anything?"


Three men have to drop something out of a hot air balloon and then go and see what happens. The first man drops an apple, the second a bottle of whisky and the third didn't know what to drop, so he drops a bomb.
They go down to inspect.
The first man sees a boy crying and asks him what is wrong. "An apple fell out of the sky and hit me on the head" he says.
The second man sees a boy crying and asks him whats wrong. "A bottle fell out of the sky and I fell into the glass" he says.
The third man walks along and sees a boy laughing his head off. "What are you laughing at?" he says.
The boy replies "I just farted and my house blew up!"

It got crowded in heaven, so it was decided only to accept people whoever had a really bad day on the day they had died. On the first morning when the policy was employed, St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said the first man in line, "Tell me about the day you died."
The man said, "Oh it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early from work one day to catch her in the act. I searched all over the apartment and couldn't find him anywhere. So finally I went out on the balcony (we lived on the 25th floor) and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. So I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, of course, but he landed in some bushes and lived. So I went inside, got the refrigerator, and pushed it out over the balcony and it crushed hi, The strain of the act, though, gave me a heart attack, so I died."
St Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day and that it was a crime of passion, so he let the man enter heaven. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died.
"Well, sir, it was awful. I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment, when I slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment beneath me but then some maniac came out and started pounding my fingers! I fell, of course, but I landed in some bushes and lived! But then the guy came out and dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckles a bit, lets him into heaven and decides that he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died, " he said to the third man.
"Okay, picture this. I'm naked, hiding in a refrigerator ..."
A guy gets a job at a remote mining camp.After a couple of days work, he goes into the local bar, has a few beers, and asks a local about the lack of woman in the camp."No sheilas for 200 miles" says the local.
"What does a man do for sex?"
The local points to a large barrel in the corner."Just put ya dick in the hole in the side.Any day except Thursday."
The guy wanders over,pokes his dick in the hole, and within 2 minutes,blows his lolly.
"Christ,thats not bad" he thinks.
He returns the next two nights,and gets the same result.On the third night,he asked the local if the barrel was free.
"Yup, like I said, any day except Thursday"
"Why not Thursdays?"the guy asks.
"Cos Thursdays your day in the barrel."
One day, a general of the army, an admiral, and an air force general are having an argument about whose branch of the military is braver.
So the admiral yells to a passing sailor, "Sailor, catch that falling anchor!"
The sailor snaps to attention, shouts, "Yes, sir!", runs under the anchor, and is crushed to death trying to catch it.
The admiral turns to the others and says "Gentlemen, that was bravery."
The army general says, "That's nothing," and yells, "Private, stop that moving tank!"
The private snaps to attention, shouts "Yes, sir!" and is crushed under the tank while trying to stop it.
The army general turns back to the others and says, "Gentlemen, that took guts."
Finally, the air force general takes his turn. "Airman, catch that landing plane."
The airman snaps to attention and shouts "F*ck you, sir."
The air force general turns to the others and says, "Gentlemen, _that_ took balls."

Caution: Bounding Bassett

In honor of the first flakes of the season, I offer up a picture of Buttercup of the North dashing through the snow (Snow from last year, that is. We've only got a dusting). How often to you get to see a Bassett Hound run, let alone run through snow?

Detention Anyone?

With regard to the Debra LaFave story:
When I'm King I will be hiring the young man in question, when he's of age, to be my official "purchaser of lottery tickets and roller of dice" because he has to be the luckiest little &$?% on Earth.

[Editor's Note: at this point, Mrs Village Idiot scolded the author for quite some time. He now admits that everything about this story is wrong and promises not to be titilated by it anymore].

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Update: I Still Don't Give a Crap about NASCAR

Sunday marked the end of my three year campaign to become a NASCAR fan. I failed at the task miserably. They've just wrapped up an incredibly exciting season full of great racing and off-track intrigue. Apparently, to make it even more exciting, the championship even came down to the last race, with a handful of drivers in the "Chase" right down to the wire. Still, I just don't get it.

I've tried, in my usual half-assed way, to get on board. Mrs. Idiot bought me one of those Richard Petty experiences a few years ago and I got to drive a stock car around the track a few times. That was a lot of fun, and those cars are VERY fast, but it didn't take: I didn't become a fan.

The Idiot Racing suit inspired me. I've been wearing
nothing but highwater jumpsuits ever since.

I tried to pay attention to the last two seasons of racing, and even tried to watch a few races. A bunch of my friends have become huge NASCAR fans over the years and they try to help me pay attention and understand the races, but I'm usually sound asleep by lap 30. I mean it, there has got to be something wrong with me on this one. My Sainted Mother said that when I was a baby and wouldnt sleep, she'd often put me in the car and drive around until I dozed off. Could this have something to do with it?

Next year I'll try again, and I'll try again the year after that. I am determined to understand this. I mean, Calvin has been out there peeing on various NASCAR drivers for years. There's got to be something to it, eh?

Ding-Ding-Ding We Have a Winner

Not long ago I published a bunch of gibberish* to get the attention of the search engines. I figured that a few prime keywords would boost my traffic and keep me amused when I go look at the keywords people use to get to my blog.

*(As opposed to my normal gibberish)

I should explain that because I'm cheap, I've not paid for one of those swanky companies to track and analyze the people who visit my site. The service I went with is free, which means that it's almost reliable as hiring a fourth grader to sit beside the freeway and count cars. You might get a reliable count, you might get an interesting story about how they went looking for frogs.

Thus, this is in no way a complete list, these are just some of the gems that I happened to grab before my (free) traffic tracker tossed them out. (Some of these date back as far as August).

Some of the more amusing searches that brought people to Kicked Puppies:

better steve bartman song
downtown julie brown horse
how many puppies from one mating
foul vaginal odour
mazda zoom ringtone
winnacunnet nude
diagram of tastebuds

bling bling ding dong
pink nose puppies
katie couric nude
pam oliver nude

martha stewart nude
nfl pam oliver pictures

constipated dog
brad pitt gambling
balloon with fatty armpits
beer's hops seen to inhibit tumor growth
regis philbin buttocks mask
my owner is an idiot
hot football locker hunks
portsmouth nh fat belly's

cat toothbrush
motion sensitive hidden camera
Cow lips
beef lips cause man boobs
number 2

beer makers microbrew indiana
tim mccarver idiot
world record fecal matter
ali g harvard video
kittens pee on fax machine and start fire
kicked puppies
ebay song - you kicked my dog
how to not get your ass kicked by the police

and my personal favorite:
i got kicked in the face by a cow. what should i do?

I'm so happy that all these people came to me for help. Though they will not find their Regis Philbin Buttocks Mask here, or their world record fecal matter, they hopefully found some peace.

Search on!

Monday, November 21, 2005

Improper Use of Glue Technology

You've probably all read recently about the guy who was allegedly glued to a toilet seat at Home Depot. My crack reporting team is following that story with great relish. (No, that's not "crack reporter" as in "butt-crack" either).

Before we get to the Home Depot guy, I was afraid you might have missed this gluing story:
Jury rules against woman who glued man's genitals to abdomen

GREENSBURG, Pa. (AP) - A Westmoreland County jury ordered a woman who glued her ex-boyfriend's genitals to his abdomen to pay the man 46,200 dollars for pain, suffering and emotional distress.

The jury today found in favor of Kenneth Slaby of Pittsburgh in his civil case against Gail O'Toole of Murrysville after three days of testimony.
Slaby's lawsuit claims the two broke up in 1999 after dating for ten months and Slaby began dating someone else.

Slaby contends that after he broke up with his other girlfriend, O'Toole invited him over to her home on May 7th, 2000, where he fell asleep.
He woke up to find that O'Toole had used Super Glue to stick his genitals to his abdomen, glued his buttocks together and spelled out a profanity on his back in nail polish. He says she said it was payback for their breakup.

I restate the key part: O'Toole had used Super Glue to stick his genitals to his abdomen, glued his buttocks together and spelled out a profanity on his back in nail polish.
I sense that the aptly named O'Toole is an evil genius and will be given a position of great importance in my new administration.

The other recent gluing story, the Home Depot guy, has taken some interesting turns.
For those of you who missed it, here is the original story:
BOULDER, Colo. (AP) -- A Colorado man is suing Home Depot, claiming employees ignored his pleas for help after he became the butt of a prankster.

Bob Dougherty says he got stuck to a restroom toilet seat after someone smeared it with glue. He says employees thought he was kidding and waited 15 minutes to call an ambulance. He tells The Boulder Daily Camera "They just let me rot."

The lawsuit says Dougherty was recovering from heart bypass surgery and thought he was having a heart attack when he got stuck. The suit says Dougherty passed out as paramedics wheeled him out of the store and that the toilet seat separated from his skin, leaving abrasions. The incident occurred on the day before Halloween in 2003.

(I can't believe that the AP people actually said "he became the butt of a Halloween prank". The guy sued Home Depot for $3 million).

Then, there was an update, and a picture: (Bob Dougherty is on the right, his lawyer on the left, looking VERY lawyerly, I might add. What color is that jacket? Is that Babycrap Brown?).

DENVER - A man who sued Home Depot last month claiming a prank left him glued to a toilet seat made a similar allegation about another restroom more than a year ago, an official told a newspaper.
Bob Dougherty's lawsuit alleges employees at the store ignored his pleas for help on the day before Halloween 2003 because they thought he was kidding.
But Ron Trzepacz, former director of operations for the town of Nederland, where Dougherty lives, told the Rocky Mountain News in Tuesday's editions that Dougherty told him in the summer of 2004 he was glued to a toilet seat in the town's visitor center but pulled himself free.
Trzepacz told the paper he inspected the bathroom and found "no indication that anything had been on the toilet seat." No police report was filed, he said.

So. At this point, I think everyone must be wondering about the quality of life issues here. I mean, if you're thinking that gluing yourself to a public toilet seat is a great way to raise money, your life really must have hit rock bottom. I mean, I'm not exactly looking forward to the next thirty years of work, but if the only alternative I could see on my horizon involved glue, my butt, and Wal-Mart privvy, I might think about looking into other options before breaking out the Elmers.

So just as my musing was taking that line, along came another update:
The Rocky Mountain News says a Colorado man who claims he was stuck to a restroom toilet seat has passed a lie detector test.
The paper reports Bob Dougherty answered 20 questions, including four about him allegedly making a similar claim in Nederland, Colorado.

So there it is, you know that we here at kicked puppies won't stop till we're get to the bottom of this story, we won't stop until we've flushed out the truth!

Sunday, November 20, 2005

George Jetson Goes Cow Tipping

I figured that by now we'd have cars like the Jetsons, and I don't think I'm alone in that. Yes friend, I feel that our scientific community has let us down with that regard. Instead of giving us cool stuff like Rosie the Housekeeping Robot and the machine that produces dinner with the push of a button, they've enslaved us with the Blackberry.

Then, I found this. Physicists wasting their time figuring out the physics behind Cowtipping instead of developing a way for all of us to have our own Jennifer Anniston.

Come on. Scientists of the world unite. It's time to use your powers for good!

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Since When is Kazakhstan a Country?

Did you see in the news that Kazakhstan is totally pissed at a fictitious character? I'm not making this up.

Sacha Baron Cohen is a comedian who created the clueless hipster Ali G . He also created clueless Kazakhstani television reporter Borat Sagdiyev. Apparently, he hosted the European MTV awards in the character or Borat, and in the process ticked off the whole country of Kazakhstan.

ASTANA (Reuters) - Kazakhstan's Foreign Ministry threatened legal action Monday against a British comedian who wins laughs by portraying the central Asian state as a country populated by drunks who enjoy cow-punching as a sport.

Yeah, um, if you've ever seen the show, you know that that would be mild compared to Borat's normal behavior. I seem to remember him participating in open microphone night at a cowboy bar and singing a song about throwing Jews down the well.

In another episode, Borat goes to a dinner for the Sons of the American Revolution, at this posh event, the following conversation transpires:
The table has been informed that to break wind in Kazkhstan is called doing a 'put'...
Borat: "I can do... I have one. I have one, you want?"
Man: "Borat don't do it"
Borat: "It is coming"
Other Man: (tiresomely) "we're waiting."
Woman: "No we're not!"
Borat: "If you want I can do." (tries to grab the man's hand beside him) "Put your hand close!"

Yes, exactly. More from the story:
Cohen appears to have drawn official Kazakh ire after he hosted the annual MTV Europe Music Awards show in Lisbon earlier this month as Borat, who arrived in an Air Kazakh propeller plane controlled by a one-eyed pilot clutching a vodka bottle. "We do not rule out that Mr. Cohen is serving someone's political order designed to present Kazakhstan and its people in a derogatory way," Kazakh Foreign Ministry spokesman Yerzhan Ashykbayev told a news briefing.

"We reserve the right to any legal action to prevent new pranks of the kind." He declined to elaborate.
Cohen's earlier jokes about the Central Asian state include claims that the people would shoot a dog and then have a party, and that local wine was made from fermented horse urine. "We view Mr. Cohen's behavior at the MTV Europe Music Awards as utterly unacceptable, being a concoction of bad taste and ill manners which is completely incompatible with ethics and civilized behavior," Ashykbayev said.

Scarier still, Ali G gave a 2004 Harvard Commencement Address, here's an excerpt: (The Rest of the Speech is here).

"Booyakasha - Professor G indahouse aiii. Big shout out de Harvard massiv I iz done a capital 'H', coz Harvard iz a place innit - u see I ain't no ignoranus. Things like 'apple' and 'orange' do not start with a capital letter, unless dey iz at de start of a sentence - but some of you brainboxes probably know dat already innit.

Me name be Ali G and me represent de UK. For those of u who didn't study geography de UK is a place over a 100 MILES away from here, de capital of it is? Anyone? Not u geography square! ....yes, it is Liverpool. U iz clever and quite fly if u don't mind me sayin.

First of all, I iz got to say I iz a bit nervous speakin to so many of you - at least me would be if I weren't totally mashed. Normally de only public-speaking I does is to 12 people - and it's well easy all me has to say iz me name and de words 'not guilty'.

And my favorite part of the speech:
Anyways I digest. It iz a well big honour to be arksed ere today. To fink dat so many great people has been educated ere like Lyndon Banes Johnson, or as he is better known - JFK, George Clinton was also ere I fink , and de one before him, and also...William Tell - is he one of your lot, probably, and dat bloke wiv de hat, but most importantly dat really fit honey from Star Wars - if u iz out dere, me'd love to - me iz stayin at de Best Western Hotel - me's got a really nice room, altho since dis morning dem has put a parental lock on de tv.

Here's the thing: if you've ever seen Da Ali G Show on HBO, you know that everything about Borat and Ali G is offensive. Accept it and move on. I've seen the show several times and would never have known that Borat purports to be from a real country were it not for the fact that that real country just spoke up. But then again, I'm an idiot.

A Million Beers: Beers #11-22

More Travels on my attempt to drink one million beers

11. Samuel Adams Chocolate Bock- This is a seasonal beer that comes out in a big bottle right about now. It's absolutely delicious and tastes very much like chocolate. I bought several of the bottles last year and this was the last one. Highly recommended.

12. Killians Irish Red- This is Mrs. Idiot's Beer. She likes to have some Killians on hand, so we buy some, and she drinks my Sam Adams Light instead. Go figure.

13. Long Trail IPA- This is a perfectly fine beer that doesn't stand out in my mind for any reason at all. As you'll see in a few more beers, that might be a good thing.

14. New Castle Brown Ale- I discovered this beer by accident many years ago. I thought I was buying J.W. Dundee's Honey Brown Ale, but wound up with a cooler full of New Castle instead. Subsequently, some friends of mine who remembered that cooler full of New Castle always buy it when they know I'm coming over. It's a vicious cycle, but fortunately, this is a good beer.

15. Sam Adams Oktoberfest- Mmmm, Malty! A fine brew for the fall.

16. Sam Adams Light- I still grab the regular Sam Adams beer at the store because I'm an idiot and a creature of habit, but this one is every bit as good.

17. Smuttynose Wheat Wine Ale - This is part of the Smuttynose "Big Beer Series" which is a cute little play on words. A "big beer" to a brewer or someone who likes beer a lot is really heavy in its "gravity" (and thus high in alcohol). A wheat wine or barley wine like this certainly qualifies. It's also a big beer because the bottles in this series are bigger than normal. (They're almost two pints).
I drank this last weekend and enjoyed the heck out of it, as I've enjoyed all of the Smuttynose products I'd tried...

18. Smuttynose Scotch Style Ale- I enjoyed the Wheat Wine so much I jumped right into the Scotch Ale, another in the Big Beer Series. It was great, a very rich and malty brew. When I poured the second glass out of the bottle, however, a big pink glop of yeast fell out into the glass. In the world of homebrewing, finding yeast and sediment in the bottle is no big deal. Finding it in the bottom of the bottle I just got at the supermarket kinda grossed me out because it took me by surprise. There really should be something on the label to warn us idiots about this. Smuttynose got some major points off for that.

19. Pete's Wicked Strawberry Blonde- I grabbed this one right after the Scotch Ale incident because I wanted to drink something tame. Mrs Idiot had one also, and said it tasted strongly of strawberries. I thought it was barely strawberry, but then again I'd just had two very very big beers and think I had drowned my tastebuds in them.

20. Smuttynose IPA- A few days after the Scotch Ale incident I was ready to get back on the Smuttynose horse, and I had a couple of bottles of their IPA in the fridge that had been orphaned by a guest. I opened one and took a big swig. Nice beer, not all that bitter for an IPA. Then I noticed that the beer looks like it has a million little floaties and swirlies. Seriously, I don't know what kind of sediment or yeast or what they have in their standard IPA, but it totally grossed me out. I looked at the other bottle of the stuff we had in the fridge and it was like a minefield of beer debris. Again, something on the label teling me that those aren't pretzel backwash would be nice. As is, no thanks, Smutty.
21. Sierra Nevada 2005 Summerfest Beer- Finally, a happy story after my floaties. I saw the last 6-pack of this in the supermarket and grabbed it, figuring that it would soon be extinct. Great beer, very smooth.

22. Sam Adams Summer Ale- This is one of my favorite beers, probably because when I see it show up in the stores I know that summer is right behind it.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Borrowed From The Onion

I borrowed this from The Onion because those people over there are so funny they make me want to cry. If you don't read The Onion once in a while, you should.

Jim Rome- The Quintessential Assbag

I'm pretty sure that I had the Avian Flu on Monday, so rather than my usual bouncing around the house routine, I hit the couch after work. While on the couch, I had the TV tuned to ESPN. For those of you who haven't had to suffer through ESPN's afternoon programming lately, here's a quick rundown, in reverse order:

6:00- SportsCenter- This is the best show on TV.
5:30- Pardon the Interruption- Not a bad show, two fairly likeable sportswriters talk about the sports "news" of the day.
5:00- Around the Horn- A crappy show. Four sportswriters and an annoyingly "hip" host sit around and talk about the sports "news" of the day.
4:30- Jim Rome is Burning- A Craptacular Spectacle of Non-Talent meeting Non-News. The incredibly arrogant and stupendously monotone Jim Rome gives his opinion on sports "news", occasionally interviews players, and mostly just shows off how many "hip" words his writers can get into his monologues. This guy is a world class tool.

Jim Rome- He looks like
Evil PeeWee don'tcha think?

I long for the crappy programming that ESPN used to have. They used to show Australian Rules Football matches and soccer from countries I'd never heard of. I've been tiring of their increasingly everpresent "celebrity sportswriter" shows, but making us watch Jim Rome is the last straw. If they must keep him, then 4:30 is a great time, because I almost never watch TV then.

As I was laying there on the couch listening to his monotonous monotone, I thought I remembered that he is the guy who got his ass kicked on television several years ago by an angry quarterback, a thought that made me smile, and one I vowed to research as soon as I recovered my strength.

Today I watched, several times, Jim Rome getting his big yap shut by quarterback Jim Everett. Here's the video, with sound. Rome kept calling Rams quarterback Jim Everett by the name "Chris" because Chris Everett was a female tennis player. Jim Everett went off on Rome, as I think everyone should.

Don't just take my word for it, however, here's what Jim Rome's website has to say about Jim Rome:
Perhaps the most respected voice in the world of sports broadcasting, Jim Rome is the leading opinion-maker of his generation. As host of the nation’s premiere sports radio talk show, Rome is known for his aggressive, informed, rapid-fire dialogue. Jim has established himself as the top choice of athletes and fans when it is time to know what is going on beyond the scoreboard.

Do you believe this guy's ego?

Here's the best part, though, he talks about his fans:
But these are no ordinary listeners; they are a legion of fans known as the clones who live and breath for Jim Rome’s “take” on the day’s larger issues of sport. It is his departure from conventional sports commentary that has resulted in Rome’s unique dialogue with his listeners.

Did you see that?
they are a legion of fans known as the clones who live and breath for Jim Rome’s “take” on the day’s larger issues of sport

Yeah, um, grate jobb, Jimm. Luv Ur Sho, retard.

Please ESPN, bring back Australian Rules football, soccer from the middle of nowhere, or even billiards with fat, sweaty people. Anything except Jim Frickin Rome.

Look for this Blog on Ebay Soon

Before you get all impressed or depressed, in case you've done this for you blog and learned it was only worth $5,000 or something pathetic like that, please understand that I've been studying the fine art of Blogging for years, including a grueling apprenticeship under the famed and dreaded Sensei Dwong Nguyng Dong. I have a black belt in blogging, Hi-Yah!

My blog is worth $11,094,904.62.
How much is your blog worth?

Oh, hold it.
Did I mention that the amount above is for
My blog's value was like $5.68 and a bite size Butterfinger, so I thought I'd sex it up a bit with Yahoo's numbers. (I was gonna use Google's value, but $99,999,954,61 seemed a little over the top).
Prolly shoulda said that at the start, eh?
No early retirement here.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

HNT #2b

Have you created yourself as a Southpark Character yet? Do so here

HNT #2

Blistering Hot HNT....
Last weekend's yardwork included the final assault on a giant red oak that our neighbors gave us. I really thought that splitting the bottom six pieces might kill me. Instead, it just chewed my hands up and here's the proof. I promise that this is the last blister picture, but you know that the on-crack reporters here at Kicked Puppies just had to update last week's blisters. Next week, in honor of all those turkeys suffering the injustices of being stuffed, I have a great picture of my body cavity, then, for the week after that, I have a nifty shot of an old sucking chest wound.

See? The blister pics aren't so bad after all, eh?

HNT_1 Happy HNT!

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Mr. Fluffy Rejects "Slave Name"

In a surprise press conference today, pet cat Mr. Fluffy announced that he will no longer answer to the name Mr. Fluffy. For the time being, he says he will be known only as "X" and that eventually his name will be known to him, at which time he will make it known to the public as well.

Fluffy's press conference, called at the spur of the moment, took the media world by surprise and thus was only attended by The Younger One, Her Chum, and a neighbor with a blog who spent most of the time raiding the refrigerator. The Younger One and Her Chum took notes as well as they could until The Suite Life of Zach and Cody came on television and they lost interest in what the cat had to say. What follows is a rough transcript, assembled from their notes.

-Mr. Fluffy announced that at present he has no inkling as to what his new name will be, (the rumor mill thinks that it will be either "Abdul Shareef Rahim" or "Mittens.").
-Mr. Fluffy had no response to the accusation that he doesn't actually answer to Mr. Fluffy, he just kinda shows up, farts around, expects to get fed and then sleeps all day. He didn't say whether he will actually answer to the new name any better than he answers to his old one.
-Mr. Fluffy says he now finds the term Black Cat to be offensive and wants to be called Felice Dominican or just cat. [Editor's note: We think this is supposed to be Felis Domesticus]
-Mr. Fluffy got really mad when we asked if we should pronounce his new name "Ex" or "ten"
-You are a fartface. No, you are a fartface. No, YOU are a fartface. [Editor's note: the note takers are in elementary school, and we could not determine if this portion of the notes came from them or the cats. We left it in to be sure].
-Mr. Fluffy says that his brother Toby will also be throwing off his slave name too, though that looked to be news to Old Toby, who was licking his butt at the time. Fluffy says he thinks Toby will name himself Kunta Kinte, but we're pretty sure that Fluffy was out of material and just made that part up.
-Mr. Fluffy said that dogs had been "helping to keep the cats down" for too long and that there would be no place for dogs, even nice dogs like Buttercup, after the Revolution.
-Mr. Fluffy got pretty worked up talking about the Revolution, but it was boring.
-Mr. Fluffy stopped the press conference and coughed up a giant something that was pretty gross, and then Buttercup came over and ate it.
-It was time for Zach and Cody and neither of us had seen it, so we took off.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

The Mailman Cometh

A few weeks ago, the Idiot Fambly went to visit my sainted mother. While there, she brought this new story to my attention because she thought it was the funniest thing she'd read in a while.

CAMDEN - A U.S. Postal Service letter carrier was arrested this week on charges of indecent conduct after he allegedly exposed himself while delivering mail on his rural route. Daniel J. Beverly, 52, of Belfast was arrested Tuesday by Belfast police after Camden police Officer Curt Andrick obtained an arrest warrant on four counts of indecent exposure. Beverly was booked at the Waldo County Jail and released the same night on $100 bail. No court date has been set.
Police Chief Phil Roberts said the department was alerted to Beverly's alleged activities by the Camden post office.The post office informed Andrick that it had received four complaints about Beverly in September and October.All the alleged incidents took place in Camden, Roberts said."He apparently was exposing himself while making his deliveries," Roberts said Friday. "He would drive up to the mailbox and call people over."
Roberts said the Postal Service was aware of the charges and was expected to deal with the matter through internal personnel processes. Attempts to reach the U.S. Postal Service's inspector general's office for comment were unsuccessful Friday.Roberts urged any mail customers who may have experienced such incidents to contact Camden police.

"Can you imagine it?" she said, "here's the mailman, waiting down at the mailbox saying "Yoo-hoo! I Have a Package for you!" Then she'd absolutely howl with laughter.

When she got over that one, she said "He's delivering the MALE!" and off she'd go again into another gale of laughter.

Then, to ice the cake, she went to the window that overlooks the mailbox and showed me her binoculars, "See, I'm ready in case it's a problem that's spreading." And off she went into another fit of laughter.

The family that laughs together.... probably annoys the people at the next table, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

If You Give a Moose a Muffin

A book that I loved to read to my kids when they were little was If You Give a Moose a Muffin. It's a funny little book, in which a kid learns that if you give a moose a muffin, he'll want some jam to go with it, then you're basically stuck with him for the day. According to this story that was on Yahoo news the other day, the same is true if you give them alcohol.

Two Drunken Moose Invade Home for Elderly

STOCKHOLM, Sweden - They rarely have problems with drunks or rowdy animals, but residents of an elderly home in southern Sweden had to deal with both when a pair of intoxicated moose invaded the premises.

The moose — a cow and her calf — had become drunk over the weekend by eating fermented apples they found outside the home in Sibbhult, southern Sweden, said Anna Karlsson, who works there.

Police managed to scare them off once, but the large mammals returned to get more of the tempting fruits. This time the moose were drunk and aggressive, forcing police to send for a hunter with a dog to make them leave.

Police did not pursue the culprits, but made sure all apples were picked up from the area, local police chief Bengt Hallberg said. No one was hurt.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Thank You, Veterans

Thanks to the soldiers who put everything on the line for us time and time again.

My Grandfather, on the right, prepares to go fight the Kaiser in WWI.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Half Nekkid Thursday #1

Ok, here we go. You wanted a half-nekkid idiot...

As a few of you know, I'm running for King of the World. To get there, and then to do a good job when I'm elected, I'll need to surround myself with smart people. Thus, I'm jumping on the Half Nekkid Thursday bandwagon to get the attention of its creator, Osbasso.

I mean here's a guy who managed to get people nekkid, and then get them to go to his blog and tell him they're nekkid. This is a guy I need in my cabinet. Plus, he apparently plays trombone, and there's nothing like a wicked trombone solo in the background while you're planning world conquest.
If you click on the picture above, you'll find that Half-Nekkid Thursday is more about being part of a community of bloggers than about actually getting too nekkid. One of my favorite examples is here from Barefoot Mistress a week or so ago. Of course, 3T used her blog for a gratuitous shot of her magnificent boobies and it wasn't even Half Nekkid Thursday, so you never know what kinda trouble you'll find on the interweb. (When you get there, click on the words "Stumble On" to see them, they're really worth the trip!)

So, with that said, here goes:
a picture of my Blogging Blood Blister:

Ok, so actually I got it splitting wood, but a blogging injury sounds better.

*The Village Idiot condones nekkidness, except in the case of inappropriate nekkidness, which would especially include, of course, his knuckleheaded children. If either of you are viewing this blister right now, avert your eyes immediately, turn off the computer, and then go clean your room, it's probably a mess. I expect you will stay fully dressed, on the internet and otherwise, until you're at least 35, at which time you're free to date, assuming you've already established a career capable of supporting your mother and I. Now go clean your room, I mean it, and no more visiting sleazy websites like this one.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Ostrich Fever: Bringing Da Pain

Ostrich on loose tramples car in bid for freedom

NICOSIA (Reuters) - A runaway ostrich that eluded police caused severe damage when it attacked a Mercedes car during a three-hour rampage.

You know I published this primarily because it's so rare that you get to see the word "ostrich" in the same sentence with "rampage"

"Somehow it got out of its pen. We sent two patrols after it, but in the meantime it caused some damage to the hood and bumper of a Mercedes before we caught it," a police official in Cyprus said.
The ostrich caused considerable damage when it pounced on the car, The Daily Phileleftheros reported.

Ok, hold it.
The Daily Phileftheros?
That's goofy enough to erase the horrific image of a giant bird "pouncing" on my Mercedes.

Still, despite the fact that they can weigh 600 pounds, can run 70 mph, and apparently have something against German engineering, Ostriches aren't nearly as scary as some other avians in the news. For example:

A Most Sincere Thank You

On behalf of all the hetero men of America, I would like to send a most sincere thank you to Renee Thomas and Angela Keathley. You two have restored my faith in the goodness of this world.

The Mugshots. Not bad for 3:00am

Ms. Thomas and Ms. Keathley are the former NFL Cheerleaders who were arrested after allegedly getting amorous with each other in the bathroom stall of a Tampa Bay bar. That alleged action was followed by an alleged altercation with other bar patrons who were upset that the two women had used a stall for that purpose when others had to pee.

Yes. That's Right.
For men, this story is the rough equivalent of learning that Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy all exist, and that they're actually very hot women who love to watch football.

I mean, for quite some time I tried to tell my wife that this is how cheerleaders, supermodels, sorority girls, nurses, and several other large swaths of the female species behave, only to be rebuffed with "No, they don't. Shut up and grow up." Eventually, Mrs. Idiot's total conviction that the only place on the planet where coeds have pillow fights in their underwear, where cheerleaders can't even wait to get home, and where supermodels pick up Idiots off the street, was in my increasingly dimming imagination. Now, happily, Renee and Angela have allegedly given us all hope.

So, on behalf of all of us, thank you ladies.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Growing a Geek

My sainted mother came to visit the other day, bearing gifts because it was my birthday. (A special thank you shout out also goes to her partner in crime, whom we'll call MJ, for having the Idiot Family over for such a nice lunch that day!)

As always, they were thoughtful, wonderful gifts, but here's one of them:

She got me a "Grow a Geek" kit. She didn't actually say that she got it for me because she had raised a big geek and wanted me to know how it felt, but the look of sheer satisfaction on her face when I opened the gift in horror certainly hinted at it.

First a fart-spoon from my mother-in-law and now grow-a-geek from Mom. Apparently, public perception of the Idiot is far worse than I imagined, it's time to get the spin doctors back to work.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Hooray for Hops!

The brother-in-law sent this story. I assume it's to atone for any implication he may have made at sending me a subscription to Modern Drunkard Magazine.

Beer's hops seen to inhibit tumor growth

CORVALLIS, Ore., Nov. 7 (UPI) -- Research at Oregon State University shows that beer contains a micronutrient that inhibits cancer-causing enzymes.
The compound, xanthohumol, was first isolated by Oregon State 10 years ago and an increasing number of laboratories across the world have begun studying the compound, said Fred Stevens, an assistant professor of medicinal chemistry at Oregon State's College of Pharmacy.
The substance comes from the hops plant used to give beer its aroma and flavor, ABC News reported.
Most beers made today are low on hops, however, and so don't contain much xanthohumol. But beers such as porter, stout and ales have much higher levels of the compound.
Mice studies show that the compound is metabolized quickly by the body, so it's hard to get a large amount in the body at one time, Stevens said.
"It clearly has some interesting chemo-preventive properties, and the only way people are getting any of it right now is through beer consumption," he said.

Yay for Hops! I think I'll go get healthy right this minute! Where's my bottle opener?

Matt Lawton: Bad Egg

See, I told you.

Not long ago I reported that Yankees outfielder Matt Lawton was hating on my beer. I predicted that because he was a hater, he was due for bad karma and would be the goat that would sink the Yankees from the playoffs. Well, apparently I was right about the karma thing.

Some brilliant Yankee brass saw that the Beer Hater was due for bad karma and they left him off their playoff roster, just so her couldn't screw up and cost them the series! Then Hurricane Katrina leveled his home in Gulfport, Mississippi, and then to top it all off, he tested positive for steroids and will start next season serving a ten game suspension.

Let that be a lesson to you: Love the Beer.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

In Celebration of my 138th Post

I'm pretty slow to catch on to this blogging thing.

I believe I'm the only blogger who has yet to mention the last Star Wars Movie, and I'm certainly the only blogger who neglected to mention both Star Wars AND the latest Harry Potter book. My team of crack reporters apparently got their name from using crack rather than doing a good job of finding stories.

In addition, I just learned that I was supposed to get all fired up and write some sort of special thing for my hundredth post, but I missed it. So, in honor of my 138th post, I'm posting a picture of something called "Bumpernuts", which I believe is the very thing that people have in mind when they look around for signs of the apocalypse. My first act as king will be to offer these for free to people, and then execute the people that actually take them.

Kicked Puppies, bringing you absolutely nothing of value for 137 posts and counting.