A 'hard of hearing' man took his wife to the doctor one evening, and the doctor told him that she had 'Acute Angina'. He said,"she has pretty tits too, but whats that got to do with anything?"
Three men have to drop something out of a hot air balloon and then go and see what happens. The first man drops an apple, the second a bottle of whisky and the third didn't know what to drop, so he drops a bomb.
They go down to inspect.
The first man sees a boy crying and asks him what is wrong. "An apple fell out of the sky and hit me on the head" he says.
The second man sees a boy crying and asks him whats wrong. "A bottle fell out of the sky and I fell into the glass" he says.
The third man walks along and sees a boy laughing his head off. "What are you laughing at?" he says.
The boy replies "I just farted and my house blew up!"
It got crowded in heaven, so it was decided only to accept people whoever had a really bad day on the day they had died. On the first morning when the policy was employed, St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said the first man in line, "Tell me about the day you died."
The man said, "Oh it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early from work one day to catch her in the act. I searched all over the apartment and couldn't find him anywhere. So finally I went out on the balcony (we lived on the 25th floor) and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. So I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, of course, but he landed in some bushes and lived. So I went inside, got the refrigerator, and pushed it out over the balcony and it crushed hi, The strain of the act, though, gave me a heart attack, so I died."
St Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day and that it was a crime of passion, so he let the man enter heaven. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died.
"Well, sir, it was awful. I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment, when I slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment beneath me but then some maniac came out and started pounding my fingers! I fell, of course, but I landed in some bushes and lived! But then the guy came out and dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckles a bit, lets him into heaven and decides that he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died, " he said to the third man.
"Okay, picture this. I'm naked, hiding in a refrigerator ..."
A guy gets a job at a remote mining camp.After a couple of days work, he goes into the local bar, has a few beers, and asks a local about the lack of woman in the camp."No sheilas for 200 miles" says the local.
"What does a man do for sex?"
The local points to a large barrel in the corner."Just put ya dick in the hole in the side.Any day except Thursday."
The guy wanders over,pokes his dick in the hole, and within 2 minutes,blows his lolly.
"Christ,thats not bad" he thinks.
He returns the next two nights,and gets the same result.On the third night,he asked the local if the barrel was free.
"Yup, like I said, any day except Thursday"
"Why not Thursdays?"the guy asks.
"Cos Thursdays your day in the barrel."
One day, a general of the army, an admiral, and an air force general are having an argument about whose branch of the military is braver.
So the admiral yells to a passing sailor, "Sailor, catch that falling anchor!"
The sailor snaps to attention, shouts, "Yes, sir!", runs under the anchor, and is crushed to death trying to catch it.
The admiral turns to the others and says "Gentlemen, that was bravery."
The army general says, "That's nothing," and yells, "Private, stop that moving tank!"
The private snaps to attention, shouts "Yes, sir!" and is crushed under the tank while trying to stop it.
The army general turns back to the others and says, "Gentlemen, that took guts."
Finally, the air force general takes his turn. "Airman, catch that landing plane."
The airman snaps to attention and shouts "F*ck you, sir."
The air force general turns to the others and says, "Gentlemen, _that_ took balls."