You've probably all read recently about the guy who was allegedly glued to a toilet seat at Home Depot. My crack reporting team is following that story with great relish. (No, that's not "crack reporter" as in "butt-crack" either).
Before we get to the Home Depot guy, I was afraid you might have missed this gluing story:
Jury rules against woman who glued man's genitals to abdomen
GREENSBURG, Pa. (AP) - A Westmoreland County jury ordered a woman who glued her ex-boyfriend's genitals to his abdomen to pay the man 46,200 dollars for pain, suffering and emotional distress.
The jury today found in favor of Kenneth Slaby of Pittsburgh in his civil case against Gail O'Toole of Murrysville after three days of testimony.
Slaby's lawsuit claims the two broke up in 1999 after dating for ten months and Slaby began dating someone else.
Slaby contends that after he broke up with his other girlfriend, O'Toole invited him over to her home on May 7th, 2000, where he fell asleep.
He woke up to find that O'Toole had used Super Glue to stick his genitals to his abdomen, glued his buttocks together and spelled out a profanity on his back in nail polish. He says she said it was payback for their breakup.
I restate the key part: O'Toole had used Super Glue to stick his genitals to his abdomen, glued his buttocks together and spelled out a profanity on his back in nail polish.
I sense that the aptly named O'Toole is an evil genius and will be given a position of great importance in my new administration.
The other recent gluing story, the Home Depot guy, has taken some interesting turns.
For those of you who missed it, here is the original story:
BOULDER, Colo. (AP) -- A Colorado man is suing Home Depot, claiming employees ignored his pleas for help after he became the butt of a prankster.
Bob Dougherty says he got stuck to a restroom toilet seat after someone smeared it with glue. He says employees thought he was kidding and waited 15 minutes to call an ambulance. He tells The Boulder Daily Camera "They just let me rot."
The lawsuit says Dougherty was recovering from heart bypass surgery and thought he was having a heart attack when he got stuck. The suit says Dougherty passed out as paramedics wheeled him out of the store and that the toilet seat separated from his skin, leaving abrasions. The incident occurred on the day before Halloween in 2003.
(I can't believe that the AP people actually said "he became the butt of a Halloween prank". The guy sued Home Depot for $3 million).
Then, there was an update, and a picture: (Bob Dougherty is on the right, his lawyer on the left, looking VERY lawyerly, I might add. What color is that jacket? Is that Babycrap Brown?).
DENVER - A man who sued Home Depot last month claiming a prank left him glued to a toilet seat made a similar allegation about another restroom more than a year ago, an official told a newspaper.
Bob Dougherty's lawsuit alleges employees at the store ignored his pleas for help on the day before Halloween 2003 because they thought he was kidding.
But Ron Trzepacz, former director of operations for the town of Nederland, where Dougherty lives, told the Rocky Mountain News in Tuesday's editions that Dougherty told him in the summer of 2004 he was glued to a toilet seat in the town's visitor center but pulled himself free.
Trzepacz told the paper he inspected the bathroom and found "no indication that anything had been on the toilet seat." No police report was filed, he said.
So. At this point, I think everyone must be wondering about the quality of life issues here. I mean, if you're thinking that gluing yourself to a public toilet seat is a great way to raise money, your life really must have hit rock bottom. I mean, I'm not exactly looking forward to the next thirty years of work, but if the only alternative I could see on my horizon involved glue, my butt, and Wal-Mart privvy, I might think about looking into other options before breaking out the Elmers.
So just as my musing was taking that line, along came another update:
The Rocky Mountain News says a Colorado man who claims he was stuck to a restroom toilet seat has passed a lie detector test.
The paper reports Bob Dougherty answered 20 questions, including four about him allegedly making a similar claim in Nederland, Colorado.
So there it is, you know that we here at kicked puppies won't stop till we're get to the bottom of this story, we won't stop until we've flushed out the truth!