Yesterday being the first of the month, I had to turn in my list to the Mrs.
Since I was going to the trouble of typing it out, just like I always do, I thought I might as well also share it with the wonderful people to take the time to read my jibberish.
You see, many many years ago, before we were even married, Mrs. Idiot and I decided that we should keep a list of celebrities with whom we can run away "guilt free" should the opportunity ever present itself. This was close to twenty years ago, so she dutifully listed her hunks of the day* and promptly forgot all about it, because as you can well imagine, I am all the man she'll ever need.
I, on the other hand, dutifully turn in my list of celebrities every month, and have honed the laws and bi-laws, sub-paragraphs, codicils and riders of this deal into a small masterpiece of pseudo-law that would rival anything Congress has published. This is not because I'm unhappy in my marriage, but rather because I have a lot of free time and, like all men, use most of that free time to think of women with whom I'd like to run off.
So, with that said, here are my 5 celebrity picks for the month of November, 2005.
Pam Oliver. Ok, I know, this is actually a picture of Vanessa Williams. Because I was getting to be afraid people would think I'm a stalker if I mentioned ESPN NFL sideline reporter Suzy Kolber again, I went with FOX NFL sideline reporter Pam Oliver this month. Sadly, and to my great surprise, there aren't any good pictures of Pam Oliver out there on the web, so I figured I'd post a picture of Vanessa instead, who recently earned a spot in the Idiot Runaway Hall of Fame by virtue of having once made the Monthly Runaway List for forty-three straight months.
Anyone with a Jeannie Costume. Yeah, um, I think we can safely move on to the next celebrity with all the male readers in complete agreement and the female readers looking for another blog to read. Section 1 Paragraph 4 of the Runaway List bi-laws clearly states that the individual in question must be a celebrity, but I claim that this is a valid selection under Section 716a Paragraph 3 (Mrs. Idiot's famous "Dress Up Like Chewbacca" clause).
Sheryl Crow- Ms. Crowe was a lock to make the Runaway Hall of Fame until she took up with Lance Armstrong. I mean, she's totally gorgeous and she totally rocks, but I'm afraid that my "where's the damned remote" lifestyle might not be that appealing after dating a guy won the Tour de France seven times. Because of that, I'm also nominating a substitute for this month based on the Clone Clause (Sec. 53 Par. 8):
Juice Newton - She kinda rocks, right?
Gena Cooper of Mukwonago, Wisconsin. Ms. Cooper is the 2005 "Alice in Dairyland," Wisconsin’s agricultural ambassador. Let's face facts. I've been putting together this crappy list month after month for almost two decades, and I'm frankly losing faith that Tyra Banks, Jennifer Anniston or Gwen Stefani will be knocking on my door anytime soon. In fact, I think I may be aiming a little high to think I have a shot with Ms. Dairyland, who is, after all, "an important icon of Wisconsin agriculture"
Harold Reynolds- This guy is on every ESPN baseball show there is, including the Little League World Series (where 12 year olds regularly decide they'd rather get an extra half hour of sleep than get interviewed on the Deuce by H.R.). Since ESPN is almost always on here all summer long, it's like we've lost a member of the family now that he's gone wherever it is he goes in the offseason. I thought I'd add him to my November list just to see his smiley face and in hopes of hearing him talk about the Yankees not living up to their payroll and potential some more.
So there it is, my Runaway List for November. I'll let you know how it goes.
(*I believe the original Hunks were Corbin Bernsen, Tony Danza, Patrick Swayze and Urkel. I could be wrong).
[Editor's Note: Mrs. Village Idiot and her legal team received her usual "preview" copy of this posting and promptly stormed the control room, white with rage.
"First," said she, "Harold Reynolds is MINE."
"Second," she continued, "he TOTALLY made up the Chewbacca thing and
"Third," she said, "it was Harry Hamlin, not Corbin Bersen!"