Monday, January 30, 2006

The Vidiot Strikes Back

You may have noticed that my normal torrent of drivel has slowed to a stream. As many of you could tell, I ran out of good jokes in June and milked the material I had left until December, which left precious little to say in January.

Now, it will get worse because of all the good TV coming up.

Right now we've got the Winter X Games. There isn't any better television fare than watching these kids fling themselves about. It's like watching monkeys on crack.

Then, Survivor returns.
Then, the Superbowl.
Then, the idiot TV Feast that is The Winter Olympics.
Then, in March, the Sopranos and Deadwood start up.

I may start running re-runs of other people's blogs here.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

30 Facts About Chuck Norris

The following e-mail with 30 facts about Chuck Norris is going around and I find it hilarious. I think that the orginator of the list has a website somewhere around here. (They're occasionally down. Be patient).

Readers should know that this comes straight from an e-mail, so I take no credit for the humor, (or the occasional bit of salty language in the list, because as several of you may recall I'm making my blog a curse free zone on the advice of one of my sisters).

So, enjoy and as always, thank you Mr. Norris.

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
4. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
5. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
6. The Dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. ONCE.
7. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
8. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
9. If at first you don't succeed, you're obviously not Chuck Norris.
10. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
11. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
12. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
13. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
14. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
15. Chuck Norris doesn't go to the bathroom, he compacts. The energy generated by his compacting bowels could power the East Coast, but instead, it powers Chuck Norris.
16. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
17. When Chuck Norris chews bubblegum, it screams.
18. Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because he is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
19. As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
20. If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
21. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
22. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
23. Originally, God created both Adam and Steve, but God's young apprentice, Chuck Norris, did not approve of Steve's incredibly gay behavior, so he roundhouse kicked Steve until the "S", "t", and penis were knocked out of him.
24. Chuck Norris can smell carbon monoxide.
25. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
26. Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
27. According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
28. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
29. Every time Chuck Norris smiles it saves the life of a dying man. Ironically, Chuck Norris only smiles after he kills someone.
30.Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Words to Live By

Can you tell I'm finally getting around to cleaning out my e-mail? Here's another chestnut that comes from some genius internet scribbler.

1. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
2. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.
3. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
4. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was worth it.
5. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
6. There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one works.
7. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

The Spelling Chequer Poem

In case you don't get all the cool e-mails I get, here's another that recently arrived in my box.

Eye halve a spelling chequer
Eye have a spelling checker.
It came with my pea sea.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.

Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it's weigh.
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a bless sing,
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when I rime.

Each frays come posed up on my screen
eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore a veiling checker's
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if we're lacks oar have a laps,
We wood bee maid too wine.

Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flair,
Their are no fault's with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a ware.

Now spelling does knot phase me,
It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped word's fare as hear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaw's are knot aloud.

Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays,
Such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting too pleas.

-- Sauce Unknown

Friday, January 20, 2006

Wow He's Ugly!

This looks like a man with a hideously deformed face, but it's really not. Figure out what it really is, or if you're a cheater pants, click here.
(If you want a better look at the picture, click on it to enlarge it)

Thursday, January 19, 2006

HNT- A Different Sorta Oops

The Blogger known as Lime was nice enough to give me a gift certificate to get a tattoo of Margaret Thatcher to go with the tattoo I have of Henry Kissinger.

Well, of course I had to go drinkin' before I got the tattoo, and by the time I got to Dave's Awesome House of Tats, I couldn't remember the name "Margaret Thatcher."
Dave and I settled in to drink some more, figuring it would come to us through the sheer wonder of alcohol. We were armed only with the knowledge that I was supposed to get a British person tattooed to my arm and that I was sponsored by Lime.

Of course we spent most of the time saying stupid things to each other in horrible British accents, and ending all our sentences with "Old Chap" and "Old Bean," which is exactly how I ended up with a tattoo not of Margaret Thatcher, but of Mr. Bean.

So, Lime, there ya go. Never send an unattended Idiot on important errands.

If y'all want the scoop on this HNT thing, click on the thingy.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Fun From the E-Mail

I received the following e-mail the other day, which I found amusing because I might have been the last edumacated person in the country to know that some of our states are red and some are blue. Who'da thunk that soil could be blue? Anyhow, here you go;

Dear Red States,

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy righties believe you are people with higher morals than we lefties.

Peace, Blue States

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Alito: Off to a Great Start

I saw this story at Yahoo the other day. Apparently Alito is very serious about following O'Connor's style, though I think the "Bride in Red" look is more "Ho" than Sandy-Baby. Clicking on the story should get you a full sized view.

Monday, January 16, 2006

The Idiot Tout Sheet

Rather than spend time railing against the horrendously crappy late-flag-pass-interference call that started the end of the Patriots' season, I thought I'd focus on the positive and share my Superbowl picks with the world. I hope they help you win a lot of money.

The Superbowl will feature Seattle against Pittsburgh, and I think that Seattle will pull it out in the end. The final score will be Seattle 31 Pittsburgh 27

There are, of course, a lot of variables at play here, so let me lay out some alternate scenarios that might develop and influence my picks.

1. Shaun Alexander's concussion. Alexander suffered a concussion in the opening quarter of their game against Washington. If he's back and healthy for their game against the Panthers, then Carolina doesn't stand a chance.
If he's not back, then Carolina could make a show of it, especially if they reinstate the cheerleaders who were arrested earlier in the year.

I mean, I think that bringing back Ms. Keathley and Ms. Thomas would give the other cheerleaders in the squad a lift, and they would all cheer their little hearts out to bring a Carolina victory. Also, if things get dicey in the game, you could always position those two cheerleaders close enough to the Seahawk's bench so as to distract the players from the action on the field.

1. Ben Roethlisberger's arm- There was a bit of a concern about the health of Big Ben's arm at the end of the Steelers' game. If Roethlisberger is healthy then those cheaty pants Denver Broncos don't stand a chance. If he's hurt, Pittsburgh should think about getting celebrities to play quarterback, because they don't stand a chance if Tommy Maddox starts, so they might as well give us fans the thrill of watching Bob Barker and Regis Philbin try and rally the team to victory.

So there you have it sports fans, take it to the bank. Of course, now that the Bengals and the Pats are out of the hunt I could give a crap about football, I'm looking forward to the start of the Olympics instead.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Almost Forgot These: Bars 17-20

In all the excitement of the holidays, I almost forgot I visited some bars in my quest to reach 100.

#17: Connollys Pub- The Hilton Hotel at Logan Airport. I know, I know, lame.

#18: Doctor's Cave Beach, Montego Bay, Jamaica- I know what you're thinking. First you're thinking "It's a beach, not a bar" and then you're thinking "Can he really read my thoughts?" and now you're thinking "Wow, he CAN read my thoughts!" and now you're not really thinking, you're shrieking in horror. Here's the scoop though; Doctor's Cave Beach has waitresses that walk around and bring beers right to your beach chair, thus, it fits my very loose definition of a bar. Here's a picture of a Red Stripe on my table:

#19. The Groovy Grouper, Montego Bay, Jamaica. Yes, it's every bit as cool as its name. It's actually right next to the beach and has all its tables on what I guess one would call a deck so one can swill Red Stripe and look at the beach.

#20. The Jamaican Bobsled Cafe, Montego Bay, Jamaica. A portion of the proceeds from the Red Stripes I consumed there will go to support the Jamaican Bobsled Team. I feel that that was money well spent, because bobsledding is a lot like my drinking, all downhill from the start.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

HNT- Oops!

Last week I featured my new SOOP tattoo, which is actually supposed to say 2006. Well, soon after getting that tat, I lost my pinky finger in a horrendous flossing accident. We had an emergency meeting of the Kicked Puppies tattoo zoning board and came up with the following fix.

If you want to see what all this silly HNT thing is, click the thingy below for the soop.

By the way- Lime, I know you're waiting to see the tattoo you've paid for... it's on its way I promise!

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

A Fine Balance Between Goofing Off and Wasting Time

Remember the Grow Cube and all the fun we had wasting time with it? Here's a new game along those lines that is sure to help you make your Wednesday as unproductive as my Tuesday was.

As new objects fall into the sea, pick them up and hang them up with the mouse. Keep everything balanced to the best of your ability.

Click here for the fun.

Be sure to leave me a comment as to exactly how much time this wastes for you. Have Fun!

Monday, January 09, 2006

Cat! Cat! Cat! Cat!

For today's post, I turn the blog over to my friend Jerry.

My teenage son got a speeding ticket last week for going 52 miles an hour in a 35 zone. When I was explaining to him the importance of obeying the speed limit, he explained that the law was completely wrong and that one could easily and safely travel down the street in question at 50 mph.

We hopped in the car, at my insistance, and I drove us to the scene of the crime. It is a residential street, and only a teenager could think that 50 is a safe speed here.

Being a thoughtful, caring parent, I began pointing out all of the reasons why a prudent driver would consider 35 to be the optimum speed for this particular stretch of road. I pointed to the parked cars and big trees that might hide people just waiting to dart out into traffic when my son yelled "CAT! CAT! CAT! CAT!"

I hit the brakes, but it was too late, we nailed that poor cat.

We were both rattled, and I looked at my son and was about to explain that this incident only served to prove my point when he spoke up. "Well, Dad," he said "going 35 didn't really help the cat at all did it? and if we'd been going 52, we would have been way past here when that cat ran out into the road."

In my mind, I could see the scoreboard;
Kid 1 Jerry 0

The next day, I went out into the driveway and discovered a puddle under my car. Hitting the cat had ruptured something under the radiator that caused something to malfunction that caused me to have a $357.00 repair bill.

New Scoreboard;
Kid 1 Cat 1 Jerry 0

Why do I even try?

Saturday, January 07, 2006

It's the Chronic- (what?) cals of Narnia

This Rap Video, Lazy Sunday, appeared on Saturday Night Live a couple of weeks ago. I thought it was a riot.

Check It Out

Friday, January 06, 2006

Bowling with Mrs. Idiot

This past week, we've been knee deep in the football bowl games. I'd been looking forward to Notre Dame-Ohio State Fiesta Bowl so much that I was practically rabid by the time they finally kicked off. I lost twenty-five dollars on that one to a friend of mine who both loves Ohio State and hates Notre Dame, so from this idiot's perspective, the game sucked.

Later that night we watched West Virginia go up 28-0 over Georgia in the first quarter of the Sugar Bowl and went to bed, figuring that the game was all but over. You can imagine how disappointed I was that Georgia came back and turned it into a close game while we slept.

Then came Penn State-FloridaState in the Orange bowl. Just as I was glad to see Charlie Weis bring Notre Dame back from the edge of irrelevance, I've been happy to see Joe Pa bring Penn State back into the mix again. Also, just because I feel that there should be something in the world for me to hate besides the Yankees and the Lakers, I've arbitrarily taken it upon myself to hate all teams from the State of Florida. Football, Badminton, Hockey or Jai Alai, it doesn't matter- if they're from Florida I've sworn to hate them. I was thus rather distraught when Florida State looked really tough against Penn State. When Penn State took a 14-13 lead, I went to bed because I couldn't stand it any more and they've done just fine all season without me watching. Little did I know that the good guys would eventually win after 3 overtimes.

Which brings us to the Rose Bowl, the much hyped battle between USC and Texas. At kickoff, Mrs. Idiot offered to bet me $50 that Texas would win. I took the bet.

I didn't realize how much football the woman had absorbed over the previous week. When Reggie Bush tried to lateral the ball in the first quarter and announcer Keith Jackson mistook it for a fumble, my sweet and dainty wife yelled "No, it was a lateral, dumbass."

Then, later, when Vince Young did the same thing and Keith Jackson again mistook the play for a fumble, she repeated her remark and added "What, are the announcers drunk or stupid?" It got worse, because late in the 1st half when USC quarterback Matt Leinart attempted the world's ugliest slide and wound up getting hit pretty hard, my wife said to Leinart as he lay crumpled on the field;
"Aww, for the love of God get up and play football Princess, we're all waiting here."

USC Coach Pete Carroll checks to make sure Matt Leinart is ok after a New Hampshire woman called him "Princess"

As it became clear that Texas wasn't going to go away, I had to ask Mrs. Idiot what had inspired her to bet. I mean, this isn't a betting woman. The last time I got her to bet with me on a sporting event was the 1991 World Series, when I took Minnesota and as a result she had to get up and make the coffee for a month.

"Matthew McConaughey," she said quite simply, "He's a big Texas fan, and he's super hot." In fact, she noted that he's the only person on her list of people she can run off with. Now, if only betting schemes worked that well for the rest of us.

Matthew McConaughey receives word that he's made Mrs. Idiot's list AND got mentioned in this blog.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

HNT- A Sooper New Year

Yeah, um, here's a tattoo that went bad. In my mind it was an homage to the new year, but to most people it looks like it says "soop"

Here's what it would look like if I had done it right, or could stand on my head a lot better

If you're interested in HNT
Click for the soop, I mean scoop

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Stop Sign Kid

I don't know why this is funny, but it just is.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the stop sign kid.

ok, while we're on the topic, toy plane goes bad.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Frata Mon Life Is Hard

While In Jamaica last week, we got stuck in a minor traffic jam, probably the result of a goat in the road. At the time, our driver had the Bob Marley CD Legend cranked. (It was enough of a back-up that I barely got a chuckle out of him when I pointed out that "we be traffic jamming, mon").

Our driver, Barry, was somewhere in his early twenties. As we listened to Legend, he occasionally sang along, and it became pretty clear that he knew maybe one or two lines from each song. I found this amusing, because every other t-shirt for sale in Jamaica has a picture of Bob Marley on it, and there are tens of millions of American frat boys and college dorm students who know every word, riddim and nuance of all the songs on Legend.

So, with that as an a intro, I now present for your amusement an article I borrowed word for word from The Onion. I take no credit for it, so if you're amused by it, go read The Onion, week after week it's the funniest thing in America).

Bob Marley Rises From Grave To Free Frat Boys From Bonds Of Oppression
WILLIAMSBURG, VA—In an unprecedented effort to fight injustice, reggae music legend Bob Marley, dead since 1981, rose from his grave in Jamaica early Sunday to free his most devoted followers, American college fraternity members, "from the bonds of oppression."

Marley's recordings, which originally raised awareness of the Rastafarian faith and the plight of underprivileged Jamaicans and Africans, have taken on an even deeper meaning as the Greek fraternal system, a maligned, misunderstood minority group itself, has fervently embraced the driving, soulful music.

Minutes after his resurrection, the dreadlocked spirit materialized in the backyard of Epsilon Iota, the Sigma Nu chapter of the College of William and Mary in Virginia. Radiating a transcendent aura, Marley addressed the college's recent campus-wide ban on bonfires. "I appeared to I fraternity brothers to tell them be strong," said Marley, standing in front of hundreds of hooting fraternity members. "I say don't let dean of students, Henry Riegert, fool ya, or even try to school ya. We'll get that bonfire going in time for da mixer, mon. A fire a man's own business."

Marley plays Fight Night.

Marley was referring to Dean Henry Riegert, who recently denied Sigma Nu's request to host the annual homecoming mixer after their back-to-school party resulted in three severe injuries and two cases of acute alcohol poisoning. "I songs was about the plight of the brothers and sisters in Jamaica, mon," Marley said. "But right now, it is the frata mon who need it more. They are standing by I music during they keg party."

Marley has been touring the country, acting as the voice for America's fraternities. "Frata mon's life is hard," said Marley during a press conference Monday at Iowa State University's Acacia fraternity. "Professor, he flunk you all the time. Policeman, he ticket you for the noise. Board of Regents, they make so many rule, try to keep the fraternity music down."
In ongoing meetings with fraternity presidents nationwide, Marley said he has heard accounts of mandatory sensitivity seminars, confiscated fake IDs, citations for public nudity, and unfair public perceptions of fraternity members.

These harrowing stories have inspired Marley to hold a benefit concert Oct. 15 at the Las Olas Open-Air Ampitheater in Cabo San Lucas. All proceeds from the benefit, which could prove the largest gathering of reggae-loving frat members since the Reggae Sunsplash tour in 1997, will go to a legal-defense fund overseen by the North American Interfraternity Conference. Admission to the concert will be free for any member of the fraternity system wearing a baseball hat cocked to the side or back. "I is hoping to get as many of I brothers to the concert as I can," Marley said. "I want them to see that many people may not hear the cries of the oppressively rich white children, but Bob Marley hear them."

Jason "Boner" Bonham, chapter president of the Zeta Beta Tau fraternity at Tufts University, described Marley's second coming as "killer." "We're going to Cabo San Lucas!" Bonham said. "The only thing that would be better is if Jim Morrison himself rose from the grave to jam with Bob." "Seriously, I'm such a huge fan that I've practically worn out my CD copy of Legend. It's the best music," Bonham added.

Marley helps a frat boy release his body from the tyranny of alcohol.

Although Marley will return to his grave after the Cabo San Lucas concert, he said he will rise up occasionally to give impromptu shows in the billiard rooms, arcades, and basements of fraternity houses across the nation. "Rasta no abide a sad fraternity mon," Marley said. "I and I will see da brothaman through. These songs of freedom... They all they ever had."

Monday, January 02, 2006

Blog Swag

This is a special shout out to my sister and her husband, for the very nice Christmas gifts with a Kicked Puppies theme.

As if having a "Village Idiot" fleece weren't cool enough, check this out;

Eh? Eh? Are those the coolest or what?

Thanks, sis, you rock!

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Nice Up Di New Year, Mon

Irie, Bredrin n Sistren, wha’ppun?

Yah mon, the Idiot Family wen fi Jamdown fo Christmas, mi naa wrap up. (Dat wicked, nuh?) We stay inna stoosh place in Mobay. Dey nuh odda way, see it? We jus come off di ironbud lasnight. Reespek.

Santa brought us white sandy beaches for Christmas

For the benefit of the white people, I just said something to the effect that the Idiot Family went to Jamaica for Christmas, where we stayed in a very nice villa in Montego Bay. (We just got back last night). A good time was had by all, and I'll be writing more about it once I recover from the culture shock. (We left Montego Bay with temps in the 80's and flew into a snowstorm in Boston). On the bright side, Dunkin Donuts seems to have survived the week without me.

So, cease n Sekkle, Bredrin n Sistren, evrting irie.
Jah Guide, mon.