Wednesday, January 25, 2006
30 Facts About Chuck Norris
The following e-mail with 30 facts about Chuck Norris is going around and I find it hilarious. I think that the orginator of the list has a website somewhere around here. (They're occasionally down. Be patient).
Readers should know that this comes straight from an e-mail, so I take no credit for the humor, (or the occasional bit of salty language in the list, because as several of you may recall I'm making my blog a curse free zone on the advice of one of my sisters).
So, enjoy and as always, thank you Mr. Norris.
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
4. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
5. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
6. The Dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. ONCE.
7. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
8. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
9. If at first you don't succeed, you're obviously not Chuck Norris.
10. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
11. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
12. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
13. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
14. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
15. Chuck Norris doesn't go to the bathroom, he compacts. The energy generated by his compacting bowels could power the East Coast, but instead, it powers Chuck Norris.
16. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
17. When Chuck Norris chews bubblegum, it screams.
18. Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because he is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
19. As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
20. If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
21. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
22. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
23. Originally, God created both Adam and Steve, but God's young apprentice, Chuck Norris, did not approve of Steve's incredibly gay behavior, so he roundhouse kicked Steve until the "S", "t", and penis were knocked out of him.
24. Chuck Norris can smell carbon monoxide.
25. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
26. Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
27. According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
28. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
29. Every time Chuck Norris smiles it saves the life of a dying man. Ironically, Chuck Norris only smiles after he kills someone.
30.Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.