Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Post #341

This is the 341st post on Kicked Puppies. That's significant.

You see, 3+4+1=8

8 is the number of my favorite Red Sox player, Carl Yastrzemski.

Crush is the 8th song on the Dave Matthews Band album Before these Crowded Streets. It's a good song.

Also, significantly, 3+4=7
Combine that with the number left over from 341 and you have 71. In 1971 Led Zeppelin IV came out and Tupac Shakur was born.

What does all this mean? I don't know.
Happy 341st post, kicked puppies.

oh, did I mention its actual significance?
I think it will probably be the last post here on the old blog.

The Idiot has kept this up far longer than he ever dreamed he might way back when he started this silliness. It has been a lot of fun, but coming up with something to say day in and day out has been far too much like work.

For those blog artistes who I've come to read and enjoy, fear not, I'll still be around, and my idiotblogger e-mail address still works. E-mail me.

It's been real, it's been fun, it's been real fun.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Beers # 52-77

It's been a while since I've updated my beer list, mostly because I haven't been drinking much, and the beers I've been drinking are already on the list. For those of you who are new here, I'm trying to drink a million different varieties of beer before I die....
Why? Because I'm an easy mark for people armed with peer pressure.

Read the original post here. Read about beers 1-10, beers 11-22 here, beers 23-36 here, and beers 37-51 here

52. Ravell from Magic Hat- This beer is available only at their brewery and a friend brought me back a growler of it. This beer absolutely dispelled any question I had that the people at Magic Hat might not know what they're doing. This is a heavy beer with a vanilla flavor and I'm a big big fan.

53. Rosie Red Bitter- This was brewed by a friend of mine. I think it's only his third batch of beer but it was remarkably complex. He used so many hops (3 infusions) that it's so dry and tart it makes your lips want to pucker, then, the malt kicks in an it finishes nicely. Well done, sir!

54. FestiveAle from Rogue- A Belgian saison ale, some ginger and other spices make this a fine sippin' brew. As I said a while ago, I tried Rogue beers a decade ago and wasn't impressed and now I can't get over how much I like a lot of their stuff.

55. Sam Adams Cherry Wheat- I got seriously hooked on this years ago, it was really the first beer that made me realize people could do cool and tasty things with beer.

56. Red Hook ESB- I have a chum who lives in Seattle and I drank a lot of Red Hook when I went out for his wedding. Good stuff. We were at their local brewery and I was hoping to try their Nitro, which they were out of, but the ESB was a fine substitute.

57. JW Dundee's Honey Brown Lager- Friends of ours took us out to dinner a while ago and the husband came back from the bar with a giant schooner of what I think was Honey Brown. If it wasn'y it's ok, because I consumed somewhere in the neighborhood of 300 gallons of this stuff at Cincinnati Reds games over the years. Very smooth, very drinkable, very good beer.

58. Anchor Steam- This is one of my all time favorite beers. I also like that it goes with anything and any with any temperature or activity. It's light and crispy enough to taste great on a hot day and heavy enough to appeal on a winter day. Those San Fariscans really found a good thing when they cooked up the first batches of this stuff.

59. Kona Brewing Co. Fire Rock Pale Ale- I keep finding myself writing "I don't like Pale Ales, but I like this one" so it might be that I actually like Pale Ales. This is a good one from a brewery that we actually visited in Hawaii a couple of years ago. It's not too hoppy, crisp and smooth.

60. Kona Brewing Co. Longboard Lager-This is a good beer, not a great beer. It's flavorful but very smooth. I think it's a little pricey for what it is, though I'm sure they sell a lot of it in Hawaii to the tourists, and to those of us who come back from our trips and want a little of that Hawaiian vibe.

61. Magic Hat Blind Faith- A perfectly respectable Pale Ale. If I'm not careful I might start liking Magic Hat beers, based almost entirely on the strength of their Revell.

62. Unibroue Cranberry Ephemere- Not as tart as a lambic, but still a nice beer. It's like Sam Adams Cherry Wheat only with cranberries.

63. Milly's Tavern Brown Noser Brown Ale- By the time I got to this one it was pretty late in the evening and I honestly don't remember anything about it, other than the fact that the tap had a fake nose on it with a brown tip.

64. Milly's Tavern Oatmeal Stout- A perfectly respectable oatmeal stout. The bartender said it was an imperial stout, but I think he was fulla crap. As an oatmeal stout, it was delicious, as an imperial stout there would be a problem.

65. Smuttynose Farmhouse Ale -A saison that was very good, from their big beer series, (though I had it on tap). I like Smuttynose beers, I'm trying to get them back to the top of my list after unfortunate yeast incidents with some of their beers.

66. Smuttynose Barley Wine '06- I had a bottle of this stuff in '05, but since this is a new batch and I had it on tap, I'm counting it again. Their barleywine in excellent.

67. Rogue Old Crustacean Barley Wine- Excellent stuff. I'm really getting to be a big fan of Rogue Beers.

68. Franconia Notch Mountain Stout- The bartender said that either the company is no longer in business or they've stopped brewing this particular brew. Either way it's a shame, because this was a delicious stout with a lot of chocolate in the flavor.

69. Moat Mountain Hoffman Weiss- Very sweet and tasting of bananas. I had a sampler of this and then went with the bartendress's suggestion of turning it into a black and tan.

70. Hoffman Weiss/ Guinness Black and Tan- Yeah, I know, it is a little cheesey to count this as a separate beer, but it's my list so piss off. The two were a good match, by the way, though I was more focused on getting my ass kicked at darts than the beer at that point in the night.

71. Harpoon Summer Beer- This is a good beer, though I have almost no recollection of anything special about this particular glass of the stuff after the barley wines mentioned earlier.

72. Unibroue Maudite- Very high in alcohol but still tasty. This is a beer you want to be prepared for, it's not light and crisp- it's heavy and sweet.

73. Rogue American Amber- An excellent beer that goes down smooth, maybe a little too smooth considering the price. Maybe it would be better if this beer weren't so good, then it could sit in the fridge undrunken, and I'd save money. Does that make sense?

74. Rogue Dead Guy Ale- See the note for #73 above. Rogue makes good beers.

75. Blue Moon Belgian White Beer- We bought a twelve of this for a friend that was visiting. I like "whit beer," though I like the hard to find Celis version of the style better. This is a nice beer, especially in hot weather.

76. Geary's Summer Ale- I drank several of these yesterday thanks to a cousin who brought them to the Memorial Day celbration. It's nice to have family who have good taste in beer.

77. Geary's Hampshire Special Ale- I had such a good time with the Summer Ale, I had a Hampshire Special Ale when I got home. These are quite good, though the high alcohol content shows up in the taste.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

NASA doesn't care who you call

Mrs. Idiot and I had a heated argument because I was pretty sure that NASA was collecting a database of phone numbers that we call. Yes, now I know it was the NSA, not NASA, but let me tell you, for a while I was pretty scared.

I mean, imagine what NASA could do with our phone numbers!? They could beam my number out into space and I'd have telemarketers from other planets calling trying to sell me subscriptions to The Beteulguese Times and accident policies against phaser mishaps. I was quite relieved when Mrs. Idiot showed me article after article that confirm it's the NSA.

Being diligent, I went out and researched the NSA, wanting to make sure that they won't sell my phone number to aliens. I found the following site that I think you'll like, especially if you have any questions you'd like to ask of the NSA.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Abba-solute Power!

I was browsing the headlines, being the newshound that I am, and found this story:

All I have to say is that it's about time! I mean, Abba was a supergroup that wrote all those great hits! Who better to settle hamas problems than the group that gave us Fernando and Take a Chance on Me?

I also agree that it's high time that we establish some hamas boundaries so I'm glad to see that Abba is playing hardball and establishing a firm deadline. I often find that the local grocery's hamas is a little light on the tahini and lemon juice and they overcompensate by using too much paprika. Some standards will be a most welcome change.

I really hope that that they deal with the spelling issue too. I mean, I've seen hummus, Χούμους, houmous, hommus, humus and now hamas! It's all the same thing people! How many ways do we need to spell it, it's a frickin chick pea dip!

So, as I said, I'm glad to see that someone has finally given Abba some power and that we're finally addressing the real issues of modern life.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Drunken American Idol

For those of you who've not been scoring at home, or for those of you not reading this blog, Blog Artiste Hanni has been holding a contest in which we rabble scum can choose the drink she drinks whilst watching tonight's American Idol Finale. Each week for eight weeks, readers got to vote, and the drink with the fewest votes each week got kicked off until there was only one standing.

The drink that sounded the most dangerous to me was called Stephanie's Coke Lobster, because it mixed two liquors as well as cranberry juice and coke. I figured that this combo would make the poor girl do weird things and then throw up, which would no doubt amuse us all. I quickly became a champion of this drink, and in the end it prevailed.

Somehow, as is normal for me, I got wrapped up in the excitement of the contest and volunteered to drink whatever drink won along with Hanni. Though we're a bazillion miles apart and I don't give a rat's ass about American Idol, a party is a party and I'm down with Stephanie's Coke Lobster, (which, it turns out, is just a Rock Lobster with Coke in it).

I went out and bought the ingredients:

To play this at home you'll need some Crown Royal (though any blended whiskey will do) and some Chambord, which is a raspberry liquor which I had to try a shot of. It's VERY tasty.
Hanni has a full recipe up on her current post about tonight's American Idol festivities.

I've mixed up the first Rock Lobster and am suitably impressed, it's red, it's tasty and it goes down easy. If I drink enough of these I may soon start to care about American Idol, and if I keep drinking after that I'll probably try out for American Idol.

Since the Yankees are playing the Sox tonight, the closest I'll get to watching Idol might be the occasional check in between innings. I will admit that I've gotten to like the first couple of weeks of each American Idol season, and this year I even watched it a bit. There's something cruelly entertaining about the hundreds of people who can't sing and yet audition for the show anyhow, especially when they get mad at being told that they can't sing. I liked the gray haired guy from way back then, and the girl that's still in it was nice enough to show America her underwear with a wardrobe malfunction, so I should probably tune in for just a few minutes just to see how it all comes out. I mean, if I don't see it live I'll probably wonder who won as I doubt the world's news agencies will cover something trifling like a TV talent show when there are wars being waged and such!

So there you have it, Me, Rock Lobsters and the Red Sox. Mrs. Idiot is on the fence as to whether she'll participate, so I've made a drink for Wally. She did, however, promise that she'll update the blog should I get too out of hand and do stupid stuff.

There you have it Hanni, have fun, be safe, and Cheers!

Monday, May 22, 2006

Quick, Go Vote Now!

My Blogger friend Hanni is having a contest to decide what she'll drink while watching the American Idol Finale. Foolishly, I've agreed to drink it too, Chez Idiot. I'm rooting for the Lobster Drink, and right now the vote is a tie. Go vote for the lobstah, on the right side of her webpage. Voting ends tonight, so do it now!

Friday, May 19, 2006

Bling From the King

It's time for me to get this campaign for king thing moving again, and this time, just to show you I'm serious, I'm starting with these little logo thingys for people's websites.

Once the donations start rolling in I'll make up some stickers and t-shirts and stuff. My plan is to spread these icons all over the place so that pretty soon everyone is asking "What the hell is that?" (I think I may have gotten the idea from Turk 182, but I saw that so long ago it's kind of hazy, so instead I'll say I got it from Bon Jovi).

Since y'all are in on the ground floor, you know that it means you want me as your king. (get it? Village Idiot=V.I.=VI=Roman numeral for 6?) Clever eh?

Free Idiot Art, getcher free idiot art here, get it while it's hot. Put one on your webpage and link it to here. We'll start the revolution one blog at a time.

Pick whichever one you like. Let me know where it winds up and I'll link back to your site too.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

The King Is Back

That's it, the gloves are off and my hat is back in the ring.

Yes, that's right, I'm firing up my campaign for king of the world again, and we can all thank Paris Hilton for it.

You've heard of her, right? Rich heiress? Tall, skinny blonde dumb bimbo?

For a long time, I just didn't "get" her. I mean, she's really not attractive at all. She looks like a bird. She obviously doesn't have a brain in her head.

Then I realized her penchant for getting drunk and screwing things up in public, and I saw at last her entertainment value as a clown. I mean really, she's NOT hot, NOT smart, just egotistical, rich, drunk, mean and stupid- the perfect combination of things to bring on and then exacerbate a really amusing downfall. Am I right? The most awesome thing about Paris is that she actually thinks we're laughing with her!

Apparently, last night, she and some rich idiot that no one has ever heard of, launched a diatribe against Lindsay Lohan in public. There's a video of it here, though I warn you, the drunken young man's language is quite salty.(It's all bleeped, and truly reveals what a pair of morons we're dealing with). As the website says, brilliantly, I might add, the young man who is with Paris is "best known for his drunk driving arrest."

Nice, very nice.

So here's the new campaign platform.
In the Idiot's new world order: If you are very rich, that's fine, and it's even encouraged, but if you didn't earn the money yourself then you have only a few choices as to how you will live your life;
a) quietly, without bothering the rest of us.
b) philanthropically, giving a lot of your money to worthy charities, which gives you the right to go out and make an ass of yourself in public.
c) as a clown. If you want to be the rich jet-setter like Paris and her idiot boyfriend, (he's the grandson of an oil baron), you are in fact agreeing to let us use you and your image for whatever goofy crap we feel like putting you through. I think it would be horrendously entertaining to put these two idiots through a few rounds of Fear Factor stunts, and then maybe make them wear superhero costumes for a year.
d) with class. This is kind of A and B combined, but if you have class and dignity, I'm ok with you spending Grampa's Billions and expressing your opinion. I mean, the Kennedy's tend to get a little clownish, but at least they've got class.

Brandon Davis, grandson of a billionaire and seemingly a world-class pisswit.

Here's an example of class-less: In the video, Paris' boy says of Lindsay Lohan: "I think she's worth about seven million (dollars), which means she's really poor. It's disgusting. She lives in a motel."

Indeed, Tubby, you're right. But at least SHE earned her money. Now, shall we look for the Husky Boy section to get you your Assman Costume?

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

..there's gonna be a floody-floody...

If you've been following the news then you already know that the weather here in New Hampshire got a little extreme over the weekend.

The Idiot family and all of its collective crap came out unscathed, though we had to suffer the indignity of having our road closed for a couple of days due to high water across it and the fact that the road it connects to washed out. (This made life especially interesting for our friends who were visiting from away, especially since they had to get to an airport to fly back to the rat race in the middle of it).

I want to give a special shout out to the emergency workers in New Hampshire. We had firemen on the doorsteps of all the homes in our neighborhood three different times to keep us informed as to what was going on and to offer us help should we need it. Y'all did a great job and we thank you.

Friday, May 12, 2006

This Bud's For... a Player to be Named Later

A friend of mine sent me this list of recent minor league player transactions. Check out the one that's highlighted. (Click on the image to see one that's big enough to actually read).

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Pickled Hanni

One of my favorite Bloggers, Hanni, is having a contest. She started with a list of drinks, and each week she lets us vote one off, just like American Idol. She will drink whatever we finally vote on at an American Idol finale party and post pictures of all the stupid things she does.

As I'm all in favor of drunken stupidity, here's a link to her voting thingy.
Get Hänni Wasted

Personally, I'm pushing for the Lobster Drink because it sounds more alcoholly than the others, which could lead to both freak dancing and vomiting. Cast your vote today!

How Sweet It Is

The Sox beat the Yankees last night 14-3. The best part was that the Yankees gave up six unearned runs on errors and wild pitches, including two by A-Rod and a dropped fly ball by right-fielder Melky Cabrera.

Yes, his name is Melky.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Recommended Reading

One of my favorite bloggers, Badaunt, shared the following link in her comment about poor Fluffy X's wounded hiney. Having read her blog regularly for a year, I knew that if Badaunt recommended it, it would be awesome, and it was.

Go here, and read this little story.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Fluffy Rethinks that Jihad Idea

Those of you who have been reading about the adventures of our cat Fluffy will remember that several months ago he cast off his slave name, then launched a jihad.

Well, there have been updates in the ongoing struggles of Fluffy.

Some of you might even remember Fluffy's arch nemesis, the neighbor's cat Leo.

A couple of months ago, our other cat, Toby, came in with his ear bleeding profusely. Being good cat owners, we ignored it and hoped like hell that it didn't get infected and start to smell. Toby, being a good cat, ignored it too and the thing healed nicely. Toby was left with a massive notch in his ear and a rather impressive scar that I'm sure he makes the most of when he goes drinking with the boys or whatever it is that cats do for fun.

A few weeks after that, Mrs. Idiot took the cats to the vet for their annual check-up. The vet noticed Toby's ear and was duly impressed by the scar.
"We dunno how he got it," said Mrs. Idiot, "we think probably Leo got him."

Now, Idiotville, which we now call "Redbud" (after the Chevy Chase movie Funny Farm), is a large town or small city depending on your view, but sometimes it's freakishly small.

"Leo?" the vet asked, "big orange cat?"

Well, Mrs. Idiot was appropriately stunned that the vet not only knows Leo, the neighbor's cat, but also treats him and also treats a number of his victims. (Like One Eye McGillacutty down the street).

So, with mighty Leo camped out on our deck as much as possible (or cunningly camped under a tree just out of reach of Buttercup's tether), our brave Fluffy X has been running his jihad since February from the comfort and safety of the younger one's bed.

A couple of weeks ago, he snuck out to go to the bathroom and apparently met up with Leo, because there was a hellacious caterwauling from the front yard and then a loud thud at out door, which we think may have been the brave Fluffy trying to ram his way back in. When we finally did let him in, he was a mess, with a pretty substantial amount of blood coming from the base of his tail.

Being good cat owners, we looked him over, decided he was more or less ok, and tried to ignore it, hoping it wouldn't get infected and smell. Sadly, our hopes were dashed.

I should note here that this is the second time that Fluffy has come home with a wound that got infected and required a trip to the vet. I tried to ignore that first wound too, even when various members of the idiot family volunteered, independently I might add, that "the cat's head smells like ass, dad." Poor Fluffy spent week after that with half his head shaved and a drainage tube sticking out of it. He also got to wrestle with me twice a day as I attempted to jam droppers full of anti-biotics down his throat.

Well, Mrs. Idiot, having learned from the previous episode, took Fluffy to the vet before the smell set in this time, because it became clear that the wound simply wasn't healing.

The vet was impressed and promptly shaved him down, evaluated his wound and gave us more antibiotics to give him. If we're lucky, and I'm sure we will be, we get to take him back and have them give him a drainage tube again.

Our brave warrior, wounded on the ass.

Bars #21-

Here we go in my lame attempt to reach 100.
(read the story here).

#21. The Cataqua Public House- This is the pub at the Red Hook Brewery in Portsmouth. It's nice but very professional looking and uninteresting. I had their ESB but was ticked off because they were out of the beer I was hoping to try, their Nitro Stout.

#22. The Tiki Bar, The Liki Tiki Water Park, Orlando, Florida- We stayed in a condo on the property and they had a water park with a bar, which, with kids I see as a Win-Win situation. They had a seriously crappy bartender who whined and cried about his hours so much it was like spending time with Marvin the Depressed Robot from The Hitchhiker's Guide, but it was nothing that some distance and a couple of pitchers of Bud Light couldn't fix for me.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

New Hampshire's New Motto

There's talk in New Hampshire's ginormous legislature, (which is in fact so big in a state so small that it seems they're actually going for true democracy), of changing the signs that greet motorists when they enter the state. Currently the signs read "You're going to love it here". I was reading America's best news source, The Onion yesterday, and found the following infografic

(This was taken from the Onion)

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

What Would Johnny Damon Do?

The Red Sox had their own rock star in Johnny Damon, who in the off season went for the big bucks to play for the Yankees. Last night he made his first return to Fenway in his new Yankee duds. He got booed, the crowd chanted "Traitor" and he went hitless.

Going into the game, Damon had said that he expected that some fans would cheer him because he helped them win a World Series but a lot of fans would boo him because he's now a Yankee. I think it was one of the Sportscenter guys who quipped, "yeah, he's gonna have to rethink that 'cheering' thing."

Oh yeah, the Sox won, 7-3.

In an even better story, the Sox made a trade with San Diego to reacquire catcher Doug Mirabelli, who had been sent to San Diego in an off-season trade. Mirabelli's primary job on the Sox is to catch knuckleball pitcher Tim Wakefield. The guy they'd hoped could replace him, Josh Bard, was simply unable to do it and had like ten passed balls in four games.

Mirabelli boarded a plane in San Diego, landed in Boston, and got a police escort from the airport to Fenway. He changed into his uniform on the ride from the airport, arrived at Fenway 13 minutes before game time and started the game. (Wakefield was pitching, after all). He didn't allow any passed balls and even threw out a baserunner.

Welcome back Doug, Boo Johnny, and Go Sox

Monday, May 01, 2006

Driving Miss Disney

Y'all haven't heard from me lately because we packed up the fambly and drove to the Happiest Place on Earth. Well, I'd actually say that the happiest place on Earth is Fenway after a big thumping of the Yankees, but anyhow, we drove to one of the happiest places on earth- Orlando, Florida.

I'm sure I'll have the opportunity to talk more about the trip once I've recovered from all that happiness, (right before the credit card bills roll in, no doubt). Actually, I'm waiting until Mrs Idiot gives me access to the pictures from the trip to write about it. She always screens the pictures carefully before giving them to me to be sure that I haven't snuck in any pictures of me mooning things.

In the meantime, let me throw out a couple of observations I made during the 1,400 miles of driving southward, and then some more that I made during the subsequent 1,400 miles driving northward. (On Saturday I drove what I feel is an astounding 930 miles between the reasonably comfortable hours of 8 am and 10 pm).

Anyhoo, the one thing that struck me is that New Hampshire absolutely leads the world in creative vanity license plates. You can't swing a cat in this state without hitting someone with a funny license plate, whereas there's a dearth of them once you leave the cozy Granite State's borders.
(And no, this has nothing to do with the "Live Free or Die" motto.)

In fact, in all those thousands of miles, there really weren't any memorable vanity plates at all. Well, actually, there were a couple of memorable ones, but for the wrong reasons.

For example, in Virginia we saw a Dodge Durango RT with the license plate "IM CRIST" which stands out in my memory. Now, I too own a Dodge Durango RT and it's a fine vehicle and I'm proud to own the official vehicle of the messiah, but I was a little disappointed as I figured that Jesus would either drive somethingt totally flashy and cool, or else do the other route and drive some piece of crap old VW bus or something. I totally understand about the RT, the 5.9 litre fuel injected engine does sing a beautiful song.

Another memorable plate said GOP4ME.
I said "this must be a urologist" (GO PEE For ME).
Mrs. Idiot said "Oh, I thought it's a Republican" (G.O.P. for ME).
Given that the car was covered with stickers for Republican candidates, I think Mrs. Idiot had that one pegged. (And I'm not kidding about this: one of the candidate's names was "Woodcock"). Perhaps they were both a Republican and a urologist?

Finally, there was a license plate that absolutely appalled me.
The state of Florida (and in doing subsequent research I've learned they're not alone) has issued license plates that say "Choose Life"

Now, leaving totally aside the sticky wicket of being "pro-life" or "pro-choice" for a moment, does it strike anyone else as odd that a state is using an official instrument to put forth a political opinion? Again, I won't even get near the fact that this same opinion tends to run along religious lines.

I'm all in favor of license plate drives that help raise money for schools or manatees or wilderness conservation, but this seems a little too politicized to be right and proper for a state to do. In a nutshell, the court has said "it's a woman's choice, everyone else shut up until we change our mind," and here we have a state (several states, actually) putting the issue on their license plates? Are these states then openly advocating that a Supreme Court ruling be overturned? Can they do that? Should they do that?

Are these states offering Pro-Choice license plates? How is this different than the requirement that radio and television offer equal access to both political parties?

Finally, will there be other issues that states can put on their plates? What if Florida starts chafing about the ban on assault rifles? Will we soon see Gun Nut Plates? How about states that want to get rid of the No Child Left Behind Act? How about all the states looking to deal with the immigrant issue, I can see what they might want for that plate now.
I'm not a very political person and I don't get fired up about this stuff often, but this one disturbs me because I think that putting a political cause on an official instrument like a license plate is wrong. The states are supposed to protect our rights, not steer our policy.

So, GOP4ME and all the rest of you drivers out there, call your congressman and tell 'em you think your state DMV should either get out of the political arena or open up the license plate arena to ALL the political causes out there.... how about this one?

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Horton Hears a Hu

Ok, I'm taking my name out of the running for King of the World.
While I still think I would be the best King that the world has ever seen, I fear that I would spend far too much of my time laughing and far too little of my time kinging.

For example, did you see this picture?
This is a picture of the special "Uranium Enrichment Pageant" that they held in Iran when they'd successfully pulled off the enrichment of uranium. See the dancers holding the representative enriched uranium rods? See the fake flying doves holding the Iranian flag on the special banner? It's all very touching and special, I suppose, but if they'd invited his majesty the Idiot to their special homage to weapons grade radioactivity, there's an excellent choice that I would have launched into a giggle fit as soon as they brought out the radioactive dance troupe, which is probably not good for international relations.

The other example is this Hú Jintāo fellow, the current President of the People's Republic of China and General Secretary of the Communist Party of China. He's currently at the White House meeting with our lovely and charming and idiotic President. I'm glad I'm not there, because I would of course have to poll the room several times;

Village Idiot: "Ok, talking about greenhouse gases now people, I gotta ask, is it that big a deal? Ok, let's do this... raise your hand if you give a shit about greenhouse gases."
(Hu Jintao, the current President of the People's Republic of China and General Secretary of the Communist Party of China, raises his hand).
Village Idiot: "Yeah, just as I suspected, Hu gives a shit!"

and more dumb jokes would no doubt follow....Hu's on first... Hu dunnit...Hu farted....Hu are you kidding?.....Hu do you you think you are?.... Screw Hu and the horse he rode in on .....and so on until he storms out and gives the command to launch the missiles.

I would probably have the Who's "Who Are You?" stuck in my head the whole time, especially the "hu-hu, hu-hu" part, and looking at him, Ol' Hu doesn't seem to be the kinda guy hu would think I'm very funny.

So, it's probably for the best that I'm taking my hat out of the ring and leaving the running of the world to far greater minds, like Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Highway Ornithology

I'm not a hater, especially on the road. I used to be. In fact, I once saw a movie featuring Ken Wahl in which he tricked out a pick-up truck and went around harpooning drunk drivers. I was so taken with that idea, I wanted to do it to bad drivers. Over the years though, I've mellowed and I have now only this observation:
Bad Drivers are like birds, they come in all kinds of varieties:

The Nimrod- gets in the wrong lane and then cuts over without looking, or sits at the light that just turned green for a minute because they're lost in their cell phone conversation.

The Peckerwood- drives 55 in a 65 until you try to pass them, then they speed up to 75. If you give up, they slow down. Peckerwoods do this without knowing they do it. There is another species that does this intentionally and maliciously, and I believe they are the Rednecked Assbag.

The Dipshit- This species is known for a plethora of bad moves, most notably for creeping into a backed up intersection. Though they do this during a green light, it's almost assured that the back-up will cause them to still be in the middle of the intersection when their light changes, further backing up the intersection. The amazing thing about this species is that they seem to do this same maneuver again and again.

The Poser- this species drives a pick-up truck though they almost never actually haul anything with it. The rear window will be festooned with racing stickers, either of performance parts that they would like to have on their truck, or of NASCAR racers they like. (There is also some variety in the plumage depending on the region- if for example, you spot a Pick-up Poser with a WEBN sticker on their back window, be prepared to give them a wide berth as there could follow any number of seriously assinine driving maneuvers). The Poser's driving is among the worst known to man, featuring unnanounced lane shifts, random acceleration and slowing, wandering from lane to lane and other strange acts of driving incompetence, most of which is marked by the driver assuming the "cell phone to my ear" position. It is easy to confuse the Poser with other species of men who drive pick-ups; the general rule of thumb is that the cleaner the truck bed is, the bigger the Poser.

The Serious Ass*ole- Runs red lights and stop signs, often at a high rate of speed, because they are in such a hurry to get to McDonald's or whatever dumbass place they're headed for. As a motorcyclist, I hate this species and encourage you to also.

The Flatout Nutjob- this is a species I've experienced to be especially native to New England, though it may be native to all rural areas. These drivers get paranoid on the highway if you approach them too fast from behind and will actually slam on their brakes to teach you a lesson about going too fast or getting too close. Sadly, their tendency to drive in the left hand lane of the highway at or just slightly above the speed limit makes them much like little psychotic bombs just waiting for you to come up behind them and set thyem off. In some rare cases, Flatout Nutjobs get so worked up they follow you home or spend many highway miles harassing you to ensure that you've learned your lesson.

The Celler- we've all seen cell phone users do some dumb crap on the roads, so all I have to say about this one is that I actually had someone on a cellphone walk into me at the mall the other day.

Now, fair readers, what species did I miss? Please add your observations to the comments!

Monday, April 17, 2006

It's the Thought That Counts

Last Spring I wrote a piece about Wally (and his stalker Molly). Well, a few weeks ago baseball season was coming around, and Mrs. Idiot's birthday was coming around, and I put the two together and bought the Mrs. her own little Wally.

My thinking was that we'd put Wally in the fambly room, and since he's such a Sox fan, I might use him as a cheap ploy to switch over to the game a little more often.
And yes, before you say anything, this was not her only gift.

Anyhow, the very day after I ordered Wally, Mrs. Idiot and I had a discussion (or two) about clicker control here at the Chez, and in those discussions she expressed great disdain for the entertainment value of Red Sox broadcasts. Needless to say I thus expected that Wally would go over like a turd in an ice cream cone.

Actually, I shouldn't have worried, Wally has become part of the family. He has his own adirondack chair and everything, and he's settled right in place and watches whatever's on.

Here he is, in his little chair, chillaxing with the Idiots.

The problem is, that Mrs. Idiot is far far smarter than I am, and she took to him so much that she actually learned to communicate with Wally. We'll be drifting into an episode of Criminal Minds, for example, and I'll look over at Wally and say. "Jeez, hon, I think Ol' Wally would like to watch the Sox game."

Mrs. Idiot looks over and says "Nope, he clearly likes Criminal Minds. Look at that smile."

And I have to say, she's got a point.

This is Wally watching supernerds solve crimes on Criminal Minds.

This is Wally watching the Red Sox beat the Mariners yesterday.

Mrs. Idiot explained that no one knew that Wally like all sorts of television shows because all he ever used to watch was Red Sox games, but now that he's at our house it's like a whole new world has opened up for him. She went on to explain how happy she'll be to introduce Wally to PBS, the Academy Awards, all of the different CSI shows and on and on...

Mrs. Idiot beat me at my own game.

(Speaking of TV, I don't want to go into detail because it might spoil it for people, but I love the fact that the Sopranos are branching into New Hampshire as of last night's episode. They think it's tough to be a gangster? They just better hope they don't get between a native and his (or her) Dunkin' Donuts in the morning. The motto ain't Live Free or Die for nuthin').

(By the way, Wally and his little chair are available here),

Thursday, April 13, 2006

It's Still Better than Goddamn Poland

Here's my new favorite page in the Wikipedia. Thanks to occasional anonymous poster Janice for the tip.

Fucking, Austria.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Hurricane Hall of Fame

Did you see this story?

They are retiring the names of five hurricanes, which is, I suppose, akin to being elected to the hurricane Hall of Fame. I mean, major league baseball retired Jackie Robinson's number, the Celtics retired Larry Bird's jersey, and the World Meteorological Organization retired Wilma.

Here's the part of the story that interested me:
Each of the retired names is replaced by a name that starts with the same letter, so Dennis was retired and will be replaced by Don, Katrina will be replaced by Katia, Rita by Rina, Stan by Sean and Wilma by Whitney.

I totally need to be on the committee that picks the new name. I mean, Hurricane Sean? Hurricane Whitney? Please! Those are so boring!

Where's Puddin'? Pea-Eye? Dimwit? Fartknocker? Wouldn't you rather have your town leveled by Tropical Storm Mr. T than by something wimpy like Alvin? If your house was destroyed by Hurricane Buttmunch, you could at least take solace in the fact that the name made you grin at least once.

Some more fascinating stuff about the hurricane Hall of Fame;
Some 67 names have been retired since storms were first named in 1953. The first to be dropped, in 1954, were Carol and Hazel. Last year's five is the most retired in a single year.

This year's hurricane names will be: Alberto, Beryl, Chris, Debby, Ernesto, Florence, Gordon, Helene, Isaac, Joyce, Kirk, Leslie, Michael, Nadine, Oscar, Patty, Rafael, Sandy, Tony, Valerie, William.

Hurricane Debby? Give me a break. When I'm king, we'll have some real names.
If that number of names suffices.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Late Homework

I know, I know.

I said I'd post something on Sundays, but yesterday I was busy. We had a beautiful Spring Day, the Masters was on and the leaderboard was close (until late) and blah blah blah.

So, as a token of my esteem, and as a peace offering for having missed my Sunday posting, I share with you a great website.

Awww, come on, check out their Gallery, it's a freakin riot!

Friday, April 07, 2006

Better Luck Next Year

Last night I was sad to see my University of Maine Black Bears lose in the NCAA Hockey Frozen Four to Wisconsin. (I was especially saddened because there was a bit of heckling involved from a buddy of mine from Wisconsin). In fairness, the Bears lost to an excellent team- Wisconsin goalie Brian Elliot was so good that the only way they could have had a better player in goal would have been to replace him with an enormous brick wall.

We'll get 'em next year.

The Lord Giveth...

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Here's Something...

On Wednesday of this week, at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in the morning, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06.
That will never happen again.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Too Much TV

Last week it was my sad misfortune to watch a LOT of television. I'm not sure why, perhaps my body got used to plunking itself on the couch for the NCAA Tourney two weeks in a row only to find the games not there anymore. Mrs. Idiot, who was able to quit her raging television addiction several years ago with the help of the TV patch, seemed awfully familiar with all of the shows we suffered through, so I wonder if the monkey might not be making its way back onto her back, but that's a different story. (Plus, she quit reading my blog months ago so it doesn't matter what I say here).

Anyhoo, first, the good: (Advertising Edition)
The Sonic Commercials during the tournament in which the one guy slaps the tater tot out of his chum's hand and says "Don't you bring that weak tot action! You go strong to your mouth or you don't go at all!" is absolute genius. I desperately searched the internet for it to share with you, but couldn't find it. The best I could do was a parody of an older Sonic commericial that's still pretty funny. Click Here for it, and bring your speakers. Advertising people take note: based on that commercial, I am actively looking for a Sonic to patronize.

The Bad and the Ugly: (Advertising Edition)
The Travelocity Gnome. Ok, we get it, it's a bumbling lawn ornament, why the heck would I want to book a vacation through a company that uses a lawn ornament as its spokesman? I've seen him ram a bus into a buidling, fly a lawnchair into a set of stadium lights and get caught under a baggage cart. Go hire William Shatner and then we'll talk.

The Direct TV Idiots. There's a commercial in which one guy brags that he got a promotion and his loser friend brags that he got Direct TV. If only the guy who got the promotion would fire his loser friend and end the commercial right there.

The Good: (TV Edition)
There are a bunch of good shows on network TV. The Office is hilarious. Scrubs is funny, and I've already fessed up to being a fan of both Survivor and The Amazing Race. (I'm glad they're moving the Race to 8:00. It's a good show, but it ain't worth staying up till 11:00 to see). Dick Wolf has given us zillion hours of taut drama with his three Law and Order shows, but for me those shows are like the fig newtons in the pantry. They're good enough, but since they're always there, they're not nearly as interesting as they could be. I mean, there's a Law and Order on some channel 24/7.
For new shows, The New Adventures of Old Christine with Julia Louis Dreyfus is funny and The Unit, a new show about a special forces team by David Mamet, is excellent.

And that's the whole list:

The Bad and The Ugly: (TV Edition)
CS friggin I.
I was fed up with this series the first time I saw an episode. Crime Scene Investigators who help the police bust down doors? Who interview suspects? Who have crime labs that NASA would envy? I'll suspend my disbelief enough to let Mr. Spock beam klingons around the galaxy, but this Crime Scene people have stretched me to my limit. If these guys are so good, why the hell is OJ walking around free and where the hell is that girl in Aruba? Last week, after one of them, the producer Jerry Bruckheimer had a fifteen second spot in which he magnanimously donated a GMC SUV to a couple of real CSI units, the ones in Las Vegas and Los Angeles I think. ONE SUV each! Holy crap! The show must earn enough to buy each department its own battleship, and he's giving them ONE LOUSY SUV!

Now they've spun the show off into Miami and New York. If there's an actor on TV who is better at overacting than David Caruso, please tell me.

Last week I suffered through Criminal Minds, Cold Case, Close to Home, and Conviction, all of which seem to be the same taut crime drama formula that made Law and Order and CSI so popular, but these aren't as well written or are just plain stupid. Ditto with Numb3rs, Crossing Jordan, Bones and Without a Trace.

What we need is to clean house in L.A, or wherever these TV people live. First of all, we need to hire some middle eastern TV writers because those are some seriously creative people. Have you heard some of the press releases those terrorists issue? We need a little less CSI heroics and a little more "smiting with the two headed serpent sword of the lion of the brotherhood of mighty Utnapishtim's left testicle the ungodly foul odor from the backside of capitalism." Plus, that could be a pretty good way to fight the war on terror: hire them, give them six figure salaries, and make them into TV addled couch potatoes like us.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Wow, Where Did That Week Go?

I can't believe it's Sunday already.

Another week has passed in which I had absolutely nothing funny to say or was too busy to come here and post something. I promise I'll try to do better in May, which is traditionally the funniest month of the year for a Scorpio. (Yes, I just made that up).

In my defense I've been very busy. Yesterday for example I rode on a big yellow school bus to see the Boston Symphony with the younger and her elementary school classmates and then came home and helped Mrs. Idiot prepare for some guests we had over for a lovely little dinner party. A good time was had by all at both events, but they would make dreadfully dull reading for y'all.

So, to be fair to my faithful readers who come here off and on looking for my usual output of dumb crap, I promise that for the month of April I'll post something every Sunday at the minimum. Should Mars align with Mercury in retrograde and reignite my sense of humor midweek, I'll post it up there as a bonus, but rest assured that if you come by on Mondays from now on, you'll have fresh Idiocy to read for the next month or so.

Rock On,
The Idiot

Monday, March 20, 2006

The Matrimonial Pickled Eggs

I woke up Sunday morning and sometime therafter, looked at my cell phone. The wallpaper is normally a picture of Buttercup the family Dog, but on Sunday morning it had been replaced by a picture of a couple of jars of pickled eggs.

"Ah," thought I, "it's good to be home."

You see, I went north to my hometown, heretofore referred to as East Bufu to watch my best friend get married. (The groom, Chuck, has been an occasional poster to this blog).

This was no run-of-the-mill wedding. Chuck has been dating his lovely bride for 22 years. Yes, that's right; 22 years. (Chuck's not one who rushes into things).

It was a fantastic wedding that they put a lot of thought and hard work into, and those of us who got to share it with them will forever remember the weekend fondly.

There were lots of pictures and photographers to capture the parties and the receptions, and as I'm an idiot, I of course forgot my camera. I did, however, have my cell phone camera, so I occasionally pulled that out to get the shots that no one else would get. I got a great shot of one of my shoes, for example, when I was trying to figure out how to get the camera to work.

Saturday night, at the official "party after the reception party," I snapped a picture of the pickled eggs that Chuck's family is known for- his father's recipe for pickling eggs is a closely guarded secret. In spite of, or perhaps thanks to, the many beers and jello shots I'd had, I was able to snap the picture AND save it as my phone's wall paper. Now of course, I can't figure out how to get rid of it, but that's ok. I suspect I'm probably the only person in the world to have a picture of Pickled Eggs as their cell phone wallpaper, and that makes me special.

Super special Congratulatory Shout-out to Mr. and Mrs. Chuck; Thank you two for being so awesome and may you have many many many more happy years together.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Happy St. Patty's Day

And in honor of the day, a dumb Irish joke:

Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over.
"What's wrong, Seamus?" Paddy asked.
"Well didn't ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus.
"Ah, praise the Almighty!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

Thursday, March 16, 2006

My Picks

The NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament is my favorite sporting event of the year. The games are fun, the stories are good, and it's always fun to do the brackets and see who comes out on top in the office pool.

For those of you who want some help, here are my picks. Based on my past performances, I suggest you pick the opposite of what I did.
I think you can click on the picture for a bigger, readable image.

Have Fun!

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Thin Puppies

Ok, readers, I'll warn ya right now, it's gonna be slim pickins here at Kicked Puppies for the next few weeks, possibly for the next couple of months.

We've got the NCAA Tournament coming up, and I'll need to watch every possible second of it, even if it's only to keep tabs on Gonzaga's Adam Morrison, who sports what a Sports Illustrated writer recently brilliantly called his "Fisher-Price My First Moustache."

Then, to make matters worse, The Sopranos has started up again. This is television so good it hurts, (almost better than the NCAA tournament, even).

I thought the new season started brilliantly, by the way. I won't say a thing about it other than that in case you haven't seen it yet.

As if that's not bad enough, The Amazing Race is good this season, and Survivor has been great, so between the tournament, the Sopranos and The Amazing Race, the whole month of March will be blog-free.
In April, Survivor starts up again, the Red Sox start playing again, and there's that whole "Go outside, it's Spring" thing.

May looks like a good month for blogging, but in June, Deadwood starts again. (Shall we compare Al Swearengen's moustache with Morrison's). (I didn't much like season 2 of Deadwood, and I hope that season 3 gets it back to being as good as the first year, which was absolutely riveting television).

Also in June, the Red Sox will be battling for first place, (as will my fantasy baseball team), and I'll be busy on the Harley visiting the homes of fellow bloggers, I might just have to pack it in until next winter... of course then, in March, it starts all over again, only this time, with the return of HBO's best show, Rome.

Seriously, I may need time off from work even.