Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Delusions of Grandeur

Yesterday, Teemu sent me the following joke:

French President Jacques Chirac is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. "Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy O'Brien down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac,the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! Wehave modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from The Ram's Head have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat."I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighterplanes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over many pints and decided there is no fuckin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners atthis time."

I found it to be amusing, especially when coupled with an actual e-mail exchange between Dianna Abdala and her almost employer, William Korman I found on the web yesterday. Somehow their exchange got leaked to the web, and her little delusion of grandeur is almost as great as, and twice as funny as, Jacques Chirac's. Click Here to read the bitchy e-mails.

Monday, February 27, 2006

Goodbye Officer Fife

In all the excitement and hubbub of America's bronze medal in curling, I missed the fact that Don Knotts passed away on Friday.

We'll miss you, Barney.

Friday, February 24, 2006

The Idiot's Back And There's Gonna Be Trouble

Ok, there's a post about Fluffy X calling for a Holy War, then a week passes without any updates, and I only get 3 frickin' comments? Thanks for the concern, really. I mean, the Idiot Fambly could well have been being held hostage by our psychotic little tuna-breath terrorist, and there's nary a bit of concern shown by any of the four and a half readers per day who come see this drivel, sheesh!

Fortunately, it wasn't Fluffy that kept me away from the keyboard, or I'd be really mad at y'all. Instead, it was vacation. The Idiots packed up the VistaCruiser and took off on a ski trip. Mrs. Idiot, who is new to the world of Winter Recreation, had some choice words that she threatened to share with y'all, so I'll just report for the rest of us: it was a lot of fun to get back on the slopes.

When I wasn't skiing or walking around complaining about sore muscles as a result of skiing, I was watching the Olympics. I thought that NBC's week one coverage was good, but was very disappointed with their week two coverage. I mean, they spent a LOT of time covering the story of the relationship between American speed skaters Shani Davis and Chad Hedrick, but they spent almost no time covering the relationship between Chad Hedrick and Chad Hedrick's teeth. Have you seen these things?

Chad Hedrick- It's like whoever assembled this guy misread
the label and stuck "XL" teeth in a "M" face.

In other Olympic news, I was happy to see the U.S. Men's Curling team finally bring home a medal. The women were awful, but the Johnson sisters are cute as buttons so I'm ok with their performance. (I should note that in my curling preview I suggested that the women should try curling in the nude against Italy and Great Britain. Since then, Kicked Puppies has had at least 600 people come here after searching for "Cassie Johnson nude.")

Well, I had more Olympic thoughts, and a whole epic poem I'd written about last night's Villanova- University of Cincinnati game, but Mrs Idiot is breathing down my neck to get at the computer, Fluffy X wants to have a talk with me about our "vacation is a time to let the cats fend for themselves" philosophy, and I think that they might be showing curling highlights, so, for the last time in Torino- gotta go, curling's on.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Fluffy X Calls for Jihad

Idiotsville, NH (TP)- In a move that surprised no one, increasingly militant cat Fluffy X has today called for a jihad or holy war against a long list of his own personal enemies, Assembling the press to his Idiotsville, NH home, Fluffy X harangued the reporters for nearly forty five minutes of vitriolic tirade, culminating in his request that “all my Muslim brothers and sisters unite to rid the world of these scourges”

Included in his list of “scourges” are Buttercup, the family dog and his own brother Toby, who has refused to go along Fluffy X’s plans to become a family of militant Muslims. Sources who have been following Mr. Fluffy’s conversion to Islam say that it’s not a surprise that he included Buttercup and Toby on the list. There were, however, quite a number of items of interest upon which Fluffy X has declared his Holy War.

To wit:
-Heathcliff- Fluffy X expounded for several minutes on this cartoon cat’s inherent inferiority to Garfield, who Fluffy kept referring to as “The Second Prophet.” Said Fluffy X, “It is time for the pretender to bathe in the blood of his own entrails, to taste the steel of Tjaden’s Holy Can Opener, to choke on UntaVishnu’s Blessed Hairball and suffer like the Pretender he is.”
-U.S. Secretary of Defense Miles Hutchinson- This caused great confusion and consternation among the members of the press corps until someone noted that Hutchinson is the Secretary of Defense on The West Wing.
-Whoever the $#&? Locked Me Out Last Night- The greatest barrage of venom in Fluffy’s speech was reserved for this person, who, in Fluffy X’s words “Heartlessly and unscrupulously shut me out in the cold for the entire night when I had made it perfectly clear that I was only going outside for a minute to move my bowels.”
-Leo, the Neighbor’s Cat- A source who would only allow herself to be identified as “The Younger” went on the record as snickering when Fluffy X announced his Holy War on Leo. “Leo totally kicked Fluffy’s ass last week, and the week before, and really every time Fluffy leaves the house. That’s why we can’t get him to go out much and he tries to pee in the houseplants,” said The Younger. “Now he gets really mad if you leave him outside for very long.”

There were many other additions to the list, but the Idiot Family had by then recovered enough from their surprise at the sudden invasion by an army of reporters and had put out a commendable spread of snacks, finger sandwiches and drinks, and much of the rest of Fluffy’s list was probably lost, as after expanding his holy war to include the U.S. Women’s Curling Team for their horrible performance at the games, he appeared to be working without notes.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Beers #37-51

Here we go on my further adventures to drink a million varieties of beer.

#37- Red Stripe- This one gets a ginormous picture because of the cool "Hooray Beer" commercials, because I drank so much of it over Christmas in Jamaica, and because I happen to have this great picture of a Red Stripe I drank on Doctor's Cave Beach. Red Strip may not be a great beer, but its high alcohol content, happy stubby little bottle and rasta vibe will always make it a favorite in my book.

#38. Red Stripe Light- Also gets a humungous picture because I don't think that Red Stripe light is available in the US, so I thought some of my readers might want a look at the bottle. The real reason is that I uploaded it before I remembered to resize it, and I'm far too lazy to go back and resize it now. I'm pretty sure that they make Red Stripe Light by adding a lot of water to normal Red Stripe, because that's what it tastes like and because the idea fits so well with the "no problem mon, everting irie" philosophy of the island. It tastes a lot like Corona, which is not a good thing in my book. (It's also a much lower alcohol content than regular Red Stripe).

#39. Archer's Ale from Sherwood Forest Brewery. This is a local Massachusetts beer that I had at Connolly's Pub. It was quite good and I'd probably order it again, which given the variety of beers out there, says a lot. I had it as a draught beer, apparently it comes in a can too.

#40. Olde Buzzard Lager from Buzzards Bay Brewing. Another local beer. I really enjoyed this one and would defintely order it again given the opportunity. They apparently brew a number of different styles and seasonals, so I hope to try others by them as their draught lager was very good.

#41. Samuel Smith Oatmeal Stout- A world class beer that was originally brewed as a good way to provide iron and nutritional enrichment for lactating mothers. (I'm not making that up, go to their website. This is one of the world's great stouts.

#42. S'muttonator Doppelbock from Smuttynose- Having had a bad experience with the Smuttynose Scotch Ale and their IPA, I was hesitant to say the least. In the store, I held it up to the light and looked as best I could for the floaties and glop that I'd experienced with the aforementioned beers. (Yes, I've given up all hope of trying to look cool in public. Have you ever tried to look through a doppelbock in grocery store lighting? I'm pretty sure that old ladies looked at me and said "aww, that poor man"). Anyhow, the S'muttonator was good. It's one of their "big beer" series, and it really is a big beer (and it also comes in a big bottle). I recommend it if you're a fan of big dark beers.

#43. Number 9 from Magic Hat Brewery- The label said that this was a flavored pale ale, or almost pale ale, or some sort of jibberish like that. I was impressed with the way it poured, as it has a very nice head. (Ok, my beer geekiness is starting to frighten me). My first sip made me think that they'd completely messed up a pale ale, because it has that coppery taste that some beers get. Mrs. Idiot liked it, so I took another sip and realized that the "flavored" part is something fruity like apricot, not pennies. Now that I know to expect apricot from this beer, I might like subsequent bottles, but without the warning, it had all the markings of a bad beer.

#44. Yellow Snow Ale- This beer is fantastic. A pale ale with a slight hint of some berry (the label tells me it's juniper). I had a few Rogue Beers fifteen years ago or so, and wasn't impressed enough to seek out more. This beer, however, makes me want to go see what other flavors my local store has right this minute.

#45- Samuel Smith's Winter Welcome Ale 2005-6- Heavy and warming, malty and high in alcohol. This is a beer I like in small doses. The big bottle lends itself to sharing, but Mrs. Idiot is not a fan.

#46. St. Gootz (or something like that, the label is hard to read) from Magic Hat Brewery- There's something wrong with this beer. It's a very heavy very dark beer that tastes like a carbonated stout or something. It's extremely possible that the people at Magic Hat are just too sophisticated for my tastes, because at this point I've had two of their beers and didn't really "get" either of them.

#47- Fat Angel from Magic Hat Brewery- I was halfway through this before I even realized it was from Magic Hat (Yes, the beer fridge reached a fullness emergency last week and my relatives and I did our best to empty it in a hurry last weekend). This seems like a perfectly normal ale (I think it's an ale, the bottle went to recycling today). (Hey, I just said I'd drink a million, not render accurate reviews).

#48. Samuel Smith's Organic Lager- Fair to middlin', brewed with organic materials.

#49. Samuel Smith's Nutbrown- This is a great beer AND you get to say "NutBrown"

#50. Magic Hat's Batch 372- Dark, malty but not heavy. Not a bad beer.

#51. Rogue Chocolate Beer- I can't remember if this is called "Chocolate Stout" or what, so I'll just call it chocolate beer. It's bitter, I was expecting a sweet brew like the Sam Adams Chocolate, but this is definitely bitter. Once you get past that initial shock, it's good stuff.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Sensory Overlord.

Last night Mrs Idiot and I were totally overwhelmed with the TV choices.
First, there was all the drama and pageantry of the Olympics.

Here's a picture of the medal winning snowboarders. The one in the middle is Shaun White, aka "The Flying Tomato".
Not pictured is Finnish Snowboarder Antti Autti, who didn't win a medal but who won my award for snowboarder with the coolest name.

The men's halfpipe wasn't on last night, it was the night before, but I thought I'd post a picture of the redheaded snowboarder just because so many of you have expressed an interest in blotting out the legacy of Danny Bonaduce.

Anyhoo, last night #1 ranked UConn played #4 ranked Villanova, so we had to watch that. (And were rewarded with a great game and a Villanova upset). For those of you who haven't followed college hoops this year, Villanova is a great story; they don't have any "big" players, so they play four guards and run like crazy. They're fun to watch.

Then there was the Westminster Dog Show, some of the best TV around.

Yes. Inside this hair there's a dog. I think it's a Pekingese that came in second in its group last night.
Tonight we get the sporting dogs, hounds, and herders.

So I look forward to tonight's airing of the Westminster Dog Show because I go more for the bigger dogs, like this Mastiff, who has probably shat out things bigger than the Pekingnese.

I also look forward to the Olympics, as I'm boiling over with Olympic Fever. Infact, gotta go, Curling's on.

Oh yeah, and Happy Valentine's Day too.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Olympic Fever

I didn't update the blog all weekend because I came down with a serious case of Olympic fever. We even watched some of the opening ceremonies, but that was mainly just to laugh at the horrendously silly pageantry. (Italy didn't disappoint there, what with the people robed in white climbing around on ropes- it looked like the Olympics had caught a serious case of the crabs).
Anyhoo, we watched off and on throughout Saturday and all of Sunday (thanks to the blizzard that gave us a foot of snow).

Some random thoughts:
"Bode being Bode" sounds a lot like "Manny being Manny" which is what we New Englanders heard all summer long. I guess that this means that soon Bode will be demanding a trade to the Norwegian team and will start peeing in the Green Monster between innings.

How much would it suck to be Tony Benshoof. The guy leads in the luge with just three contestants left. He could be the first American to win a luge medal ever... then the next guy beats him. Then the next guy beats that guy, then the next guy, yep, beats 'em all. Benshoof goes from 1st to 4th.

Oh-no Apollo! The ad was better than the skating performance!

Shaun "The Flying Tomato" White totally rules.
Gotta run... curling's on.

Friday, February 10, 2006

Speaking of Penguins...

Did you see this story? I borrowed it from Yahoo news.

Germany's gay zoo penguins still fending off female advances

BERLIN (AFP) - Six gay penguins at a German zoo are still refusing to mate with females of the species flown in from Sweden in 2005, the zoo said.
The problem was that the female Humboldt penguins have proven too shy in their advances, the director of the zoo in the northern port city of Bremerhaven said.
"The Swedes will not make the first move," Heike Kueck said.

Male Humboldt penguin pair
"Sechs Punkt" (Six Point) and
"Schraegstrich" (Slash) cuddling
at the Bremerhaven...

The females were flown in last year in a bid to bring the males to mate and help save the Humboldt species from extinction.
Kueck said last year she was optimistic the initiative would be successful because zoo keepers had noticed that at one point a female penguin had managed to cause a couple of males to "separate".
The zoo has 10 male penguins of which six have shown strong signs of preferring male company and formed couples among themselves.
The initiative to "turn" the penguins and make them mate had prompted a furious response from gay rights groups.
In a statement posted on its Internet website, the zoo on Wednesday sought to defend itself from fresh criticism.
"We will be delighted if the penguins form even one heterosexual couple and manage to produce first an egg, and then a little one," it said.
"But of course we accept the male couples that have formed and we are not trying to enforce heterosexuality, as we were accused of doing last year."

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Protesting Comics II

Mrs. Idiot clued me in to the fact that I didn't understand the whole "protesting the comics" problem that the Muslim people are having right now. I thought they were mad at a comic, you know, like a stand-up comedian. Turns out they're mad at a comic, like in the newspaper. It took her a while, but she finally 'splained it so that I can understand it.

Now that I understand, I have to say that I totally agree with them. There are a LOT of really stupid comics in the paper. I've always thought that Marmaduke is a waste of space, and Blondie is far too hot to be married to a loser like Dagwood Bumstead. I could go on, but you're probably sick of all the "funny pages" talk around the water coolers generated by those protestors.

I will say that I truly truly miss Bloom County. It was the funniest comic ever, and at times it was even the most poignant. Here are three classic Bloom Counties by the genius Berke Breathed.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Protesting Comics

I read that there are Islamic people all over Europe protesting some comic, and that occasionally the protests are getting violent. I was unable to find the comic's name, but the story has been all over the news so I'll bet you can find it easily.

I say it's about time. These comics have been breeding like rabbits and there are only a handful of them who are actually funny. I watched a show the other night called the Comedians of Comedy Tour and it was the stupidest show I've ever seen. It was these three or four "comedians" who travelled from show to show and we got to watch all the "funny" stuff they do on the tour bus. The title "Comedians of Comedy" is actually the funniest thing about the show. A more accurate title would be "Fat Pathetic Losers on Tour."

I don't know how violently I'd protest those comics, though I would happily kick them in the nuts if it would keep them off the TV. It's made worse by the fact that I'm tired of stand-up comics in general. The massive explosion of them once the Seinfeld Show hit the big time really has produced a glut of people on stage with microphones and wry observational humor that is neither wry nor humorous.

This guy, Brian Posehn, is one of the non-funny comedians to be had on the Comedians of Comedy Tour. If this tour successfully made its way through the U.S. without causing riots, I can't imagine how bad the comic must be that's causing all the trouble in Europe.

After watching that show, I understand how it is that sometimes we can't all just get along. I mean sometimes, there needs to be some nut kicking.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

I'm Not Alone...

You'll note that my Superbowl rantings were actually written while the Seahawks were launching their last drive of the game. I was so disgusted by the whole thing I'd left the room and gone to blog. It was nice to see on Monday that America shared most of my opinions, as USA Today reported that the ad that tested highest was the Magic Fridge Ad, and that a lot of people had been surprised that Mick and the Boys had allowed themselves to be bleeped. (I don't know why they were "surpised" however, because the Stones played at the season opener too, performed one of the same songs (Rough Justice) and were bleeped then too.

The best part, though, is that people seem pretty unanimous in their disgust for the job that the officials did. One of my friends who lives in Seattle sent me the following pic. I think it says it all.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

The Frickin' Superbowl

Here's a picture of the true MVPs of Superbowl XL. There were several bad calls made in the game that I feel probably cost Seattle the game.

The Biggest Blown Calls of the Game:
1. Holding. A Seattle receiver catches the ball on the 3 yard line. Big momentum, game will go Seattle's way. Ref calls holding, ball goes back to line of scrimmage and then back ten more. (30 yards maybe?) Replay shows this idiot that there was no hold. Commentator John Madden also noticed no hold on the replay, and said so.

2. Block below the knee. Matt Hasselbeck throws an interception, (which I think was just two plays after the holding call above?) and tackles the guy who made the pick. Refs call him for blocking below the knee, so Pittsburgh gets the ball plus 15 yards. Totally deflates Seattle. Again, Madden and Michaels in the booth back me up by actually calling this a "bad call".

3. Offensive Pass Interference. Early in the game, Seattle scores a touchdown which is negated by a call of Offensive Pass Interference against the receiver. Ok, the receiver did push off to separate from the back, but there was contact on both sides throughout the route, and if the refs were going to call the game that closely, why didn't they call Pittsburgh for defensive pass interference on several instances, one in particular that sticks in my mind was a replay of a route that showed the receiver (Stevens maybe?) being physically held by a defender (Polamalu?) which caused even Madden to comment.

4. Roethlisberger's TD. That ball did NOT cross any part of the white line.

Ok, so it's just a game, and the Patriots weren't in it so I don't really care on any grand scale. I have a bunch of friends that are Steelers fans and its nice to see them win, but I did have a few friendly wagers out on the game and I really wanted to win them, especially the bet with Mrs. Idiot.

You see, my bet with her was that if the %$#@*& Steelers won, I'd have to go see the gay cowboy movie Brokeback Mountain. I really really don't want to see it, because I like cowboy movies and I don't want to think about Josey Wales and Rooster Cogburn snuggling up on the trail. Still, a bet is a bet and I lost. Ijust wish the refs hadn't lost it for me.

On the bright side, there were a few good commercials, (though I thought the overall quality was down from past years). The "Magic Fridge" Bud Light commercial was my favorite, and the Bud Light Grizzly commercial was my second favorite. The Fed Ex commercial with the cavemen was good, as was the commercial with the stadium holding up cards of a beer getting poured and then consumed.

Mick Jagger looks great, I can't believe he's really 105 year old. I also can't believe that ABC bleeped them twice (Once in "Start Me Up" and once in "Rough Justice"). It should be law that if you're in a rock band and you're old enough to be in AARP then you don't get bleeped.

So there you have it, another season over. I miss football already.

Friday, February 03, 2006


I got tagged by Oregon Celtic Lady to describe the 8 characteristics that I think would make the perfect partner.

Here we go.

1. A Pulse. - Definitely. No negotiation on this one.
2. The Right Parts.- Yep, definite on this one too. I ain't interested in filming Bareback Mountain.
3. A Sense of Humor.- Because of all the dumb shit I do, this one is more for her sake than mine.
4. An Appreciation for Fat Idiots who like to Drink.- I don't think we need too much more detail here.
5. Season Tickets Right Behind the Red Sox Dugout.- You did say perfect, right?
6. Parking to go with the Season Tickets.- Well, duh!
7. Rich Corinthian Leather. - Ok, maybe just in her car, or on her couch.
8. Wicked Smart. - She's gotta be, 'cause someone needs to fix all the messes that Scooby and I get into!

'Course, the bottom line here is that she should be just like Mrs. Village Idiot, because I think she's perfect.

Now I need to tag eight people.
Uh, You, you, you, you, you, you, you and you. Yes you, the one that just read this, I'm talking to you, consider yourself tagged.

If you've done it before, you're exempt, otherwise, get busy scribbling.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

HNT- Have No Fear, Toeman Is Here

I've showed off all my tattoos. Now, all that's left is my imaginary friend Toeman and his sidekick, Jammy.

Happy HNT Everyone!
If y'all want the scoop on this HNT thing, click on the thingy.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

The Power of the "Press"

Did you see this? Just a few short hours after my article highlighting the future of the American Curling teams, this was one of the stories on Yahoo!

Wow! Now I need to go read the article.

USA Curling Kicks Ass!

Welcome my fellow Olympic Junkies, to the first installment of the annual Kicked Puppies Olympic Preview.

I'm going to begin with the best sport ever invented; Curling!
The Village Idiot comes from a family steeped in a rich curling heritage, so this is the monumental Olympic struggle that is closest to my heart.

So, without further adieu, here we go.

Let me begin by introducing the men's second, who, amazingly enough is named Joe Polo.

Really, I'm not making that up. The guy's name is Joe Freakin' Polo, (ok, so I added the "freakin'" part). Don't believe me? Go to the U.S. Curling Association's Homepage and look it up, (here's Joe's Page). I think we're probably all in agreement that a team led by someone named Joe Polo is bound for greatness, but since our Joe Polo is the second, not the leader, I think all bets are off. My prediction for the men's team then, is that they might win it all, and I have a strong feeling that Joe Polo might kick some serious ass along the way.

Now for the women:

This vision of loveliness is none other than Cassie Johnson. She is the U.S. Women's skip. (Her sister Jamie is the vice-skip). While I think that the men's team could be bound for either glory or spectacular disaster, I think that the Johnson sisters will lead the women's program to Gold in this Olympian bonspiel. (You thought I was kidding about the rich curling heritage didn't you!)

The women should breeze through their first round against Norway, and then will meet their toughest opponent in their second match; Canada. The Canadian women are famous for getting in the heads of their opponents with cheap taunts about the imagined superiority of Tim Horton's coffee over Dunkin' Donuts. That shouldn't be a problem for Team Johnson because they are from middle of nowhere Minnesota, which has neither company anyhow.

Once they're successfully past the Candian team, the women will face the Japanese, who many might dismiss as a "patsy" team. This curling reporter knows better, because the Japanese team will be ready for battle. I think we'll be able to win on skill alone, but should it become necessary to resort to mind games, our women can always tell the Japanese women that Joe Polo is the actual guy who's been embroidered on the shirts, rendering the poor Asians unable to think about anything except shopping for all those great Western Brand Names. (Should the match be too close, I suggest that the women point out American curlers Louis Vuitton and Mike Burberry).

The women's next few matches, Denmark, Sweden and Russia, should be a breeze. The Swedes have legendary skip Ida "Swoosh" Olaffounderssen, originator of the three finger louey, but Ida's advancing years should allow us to get by without too much effort. The Russian team's strategy of dressing its women curlers in super tight suits so as to flaunt their manhood has been on the decline ever since the IOC started cracking down on steroids, so again, I predict three easy victories there.

The only remaining matches are against Italy and Great Britain. We all know that neither country can curl worth beans, the only fear with those matches is that either team might get lucky, or our team might fall through the ice. To prevent any possible upset in those two matches, I recommend that our women's team compete in both of those matches nude. Don't laugh! Curling historians know that it worked for Estavia in '36 and Bostovia in '52!

Having "swept" through their matches undefeated, our women will take on the Canadian team a second time for the Gold. Without their barbed coffee taunts, the toothless Canadian attack will fall short, and our lovely curling lasses will bring home the gold.

So here you go, the curling TV listings for the 2006 Torino Olympics. The dumbasses at NBC are always able to make these subject to change, so check in at www.nbcolympics.com for more details. All times here are eastern.

2/13 USA 3am-6am Men vs. Norway
2/13 USA 8am-11am Women vs. Norway
2/13 CNBC 5pm-8pm Men vs. Finland

2/14 USA 3am-6am Women v Canada
2/14 USA 8am 11am Men v. New Zealand
2/14 CNBC 5pm-8pm Women v. Japan

2/15 USA 8am-11am Women v. Denmark
2/15 CNBC 5pm-8pm Men v Italy

2/16 USA 8am-11am Men v. Sweden
2/16 CNBC 5pm-8pm Women v. Sweden

2/17 USA 8am- 11am Women vs. Russia
2/17 CNBC 5pm-8pm Men vs. Switzerland

2/18 USA 8am-11am Men v. Germany
2/18 CNBC 5pm-8pm Women vs. Italy

2/19 USA 8am-11am Women vs. Switzerland
2/19 CNBC 5pm-8pm Men vs. Great Britain

2/20 USA 8am-11am Men v Canada
2/20 CNBC 5pm- 8pm Women vs. Great Briatin

2/21 CNBC 5pm-8pm Tiebreaker games if necessary

2/22 USA 8am-11am Women’s Semi Finals
2/22 CNBC 5pm-8pm Men’s Semi Finals

2/23 USA 11am-2:30pm Women’s Gold
2/23 MSNBC 7am-10am Women’s Bronze
2/23 CNBC 5pm-8pm Women’s Gold (replay)

2/24 USA 11am-2:30pm Men’s Gold
2/24 MSNBC 7am-10am Men’s Bronze
2/24 CNBC 5pm-8pm Men’s Gold (replay)