In a surprise press conference today, pet cat Mr. Fluffy announced that he will no longer answer to the name Mr. Fluffy. For the time being, he says he will be known only as "X" and that eventually his name will be known to him, at which time he will make it known to the public as well.
Fluffy's press conference, called at the spur of the moment, took the media world by surprise and thus was only attended by The Younger One, Her Chum, and a neighbor with a blog who spent most of the time raiding the refrigerator. The Younger One and Her Chum took notes as well as they could until The Suite Life of Zach and Cody came on television and they lost interest in what the cat had to say. What follows is a rough transcript, assembled from their notes.
-Mr. Fluffy announced that at present he has no inkling as to what his new name will be, (the rumor mill thinks that it will be either "Abdul Shareef Rahim" or "Mittens.").
-Mr. Fluffy had no response to the accusation that he doesn't actually answer to Mr. Fluffy, he just kinda shows up, farts around, expects to get fed and then sleeps all day. He didn't say whether he will actually answer to the new name any better than he answers to his old one.
-Mr. Fluffy says he now finds the term Black Cat to be offensive and wants to be called Felice Dominican or just cat. [Editor's note: We think this is supposed to be Felis Domesticus]
-Mr. Fluffy got really mad when we asked if we should pronounce his new name "Ex" or "ten"
-You are a fartface. No, you are a fartface. No, YOU are a fartface. [Editor's note: the note takers are in elementary school, and we could not determine if this portion of the notes came from them or the cats. We left it in to be sure].
-Mr. Fluffy says that his brother Toby will also be throwing off his slave name too, though that looked to be news to Old Toby, who was licking his butt at the time. Fluffy says he thinks Toby will name himself Kunta Kinte, but we're pretty sure that Fluffy was out of material and just made that part up.
-Mr. Fluffy said that dogs had been "helping to keep the cats down" for too long and that there would be no place for dogs, even nice dogs like Buttercup, after the Revolution.
-Mr. Fluffy got pretty worked up talking about the Revolution, but it was boring.
-Mr. Fluffy stopped the press conference and coughed up a giant something that was pretty gross, and then Buttercup came over and ate it.
-It was time for Zach and Cody and neither of us had seen it, so we took off.