Sunday, March 26, 2006

Wow, Where Did That Week Go?

I can't believe it's Sunday already.

Another week has passed in which I had absolutely nothing funny to say or was too busy to come here and post something. I promise I'll try to do better in May, which is traditionally the funniest month of the year for a Scorpio. (Yes, I just made that up).

In my defense I've been very busy. Yesterday for example I rode on a big yellow school bus to see the Boston Symphony with the younger and her elementary school classmates and then came home and helped Mrs. Idiot prepare for some guests we had over for a lovely little dinner party. A good time was had by all at both events, but they would make dreadfully dull reading for y'all.

So, to be fair to my faithful readers who come here off and on looking for my usual output of dumb crap, I promise that for the month of April I'll post something every Sunday at the minimum. Should Mars align with Mercury in retrograde and reignite my sense of humor midweek, I'll post it up there as a bonus, but rest assured that if you come by on Mondays from now on, you'll have fresh Idiocy to read for the next month or so.

Rock On,
The Idiot

Monday, March 20, 2006

The Matrimonial Pickled Eggs

I woke up Sunday morning and sometime therafter, looked at my cell phone. The wallpaper is normally a picture of Buttercup the family Dog, but on Sunday morning it had been replaced by a picture of a couple of jars of pickled eggs.

"Ah," thought I, "it's good to be home."

You see, I went north to my hometown, heretofore referred to as East Bufu to watch my best friend get married. (The groom, Chuck, has been an occasional poster to this blog).

This was no run-of-the-mill wedding. Chuck has been dating his lovely bride for 22 years. Yes, that's right; 22 years. (Chuck's not one who rushes into things).

It was a fantastic wedding that they put a lot of thought and hard work into, and those of us who got to share it with them will forever remember the weekend fondly.

There were lots of pictures and photographers to capture the parties and the receptions, and as I'm an idiot, I of course forgot my camera. I did, however, have my cell phone camera, so I occasionally pulled that out to get the shots that no one else would get. I got a great shot of one of my shoes, for example, when I was trying to figure out how to get the camera to work.

Saturday night, at the official "party after the reception party," I snapped a picture of the pickled eggs that Chuck's family is known for- his father's recipe for pickling eggs is a closely guarded secret. In spite of, or perhaps thanks to, the many beers and jello shots I'd had, I was able to snap the picture AND save it as my phone's wall paper. Now of course, I can't figure out how to get rid of it, but that's ok. I suspect I'm probably the only person in the world to have a picture of Pickled Eggs as their cell phone wallpaper, and that makes me special.

Super special Congratulatory Shout-out to Mr. and Mrs. Chuck; Thank you two for being so awesome and may you have many many many more happy years together.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Happy St. Patty's Day

And in honor of the day, a dumb Irish joke:

Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over.
"What's wrong, Seamus?" Paddy asked.
"Well didn't ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus.
"Ah, praise the Almighty!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

Thursday, March 16, 2006

My Picks

The NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament is my favorite sporting event of the year. The games are fun, the stories are good, and it's always fun to do the brackets and see who comes out on top in the office pool.

For those of you who want some help, here are my picks. Based on my past performances, I suggest you pick the opposite of what I did.
I think you can click on the picture for a bigger, readable image.

Have Fun!

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Thin Puppies

Ok, readers, I'll warn ya right now, it's gonna be slim pickins here at Kicked Puppies for the next few weeks, possibly for the next couple of months.

We've got the NCAA Tournament coming up, and I'll need to watch every possible second of it, even if it's only to keep tabs on Gonzaga's Adam Morrison, who sports what a Sports Illustrated writer recently brilliantly called his "Fisher-Price My First Moustache."

Then, to make matters worse, The Sopranos has started up again. This is television so good it hurts, (almost better than the NCAA tournament, even).

I thought the new season started brilliantly, by the way. I won't say a thing about it other than that in case you haven't seen it yet.

As if that's not bad enough, The Amazing Race is good this season, and Survivor has been great, so between the tournament, the Sopranos and The Amazing Race, the whole month of March will be blog-free.
In April, Survivor starts up again, the Red Sox start playing again, and there's that whole "Go outside, it's Spring" thing.

May looks like a good month for blogging, but in June, Deadwood starts again. (Shall we compare Al Swearengen's moustache with Morrison's). (I didn't much like season 2 of Deadwood, and I hope that season 3 gets it back to being as good as the first year, which was absolutely riveting television).

Also in June, the Red Sox will be battling for first place, (as will my fantasy baseball team), and I'll be busy on the Harley visiting the homes of fellow bloggers, I might just have to pack it in until next winter... of course then, in March, it starts all over again, only this time, with the return of HBO's best show, Rome.

Seriously, I may need time off from work even.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Kids Say the Darndest Things

Last night we were driving to a pizza place.
We had me and the Mrs.
Then there was the Teen and her Chum.
Then there was the Younger, and her Chum, and another Chum.
(Yes, it was a VERY long ride).

Anyhoo, The Younger's Posse discovered that the Teen's Chum likes a boy named Fred. The Younger's Chum started a chant while the other two yelled along
"Chummy and Freddie up in a tree... kay eye ess ess eye enn gee..."

at this point it's all just more of their loud noise to me, I can feel another new facial tic developing, and then, the Younger's Chum, having achieved maximum volume for her solo, belted out what she thought were the words:

"First comes drugs, then comes marriage..."

Now, upon reflection I guess I should inquire with her parents as to the exact combination of drugs that led to their marriage, because if Mr. Younger's Chum's Dad used chloroform to woo Mrs. Younger's Chum's Mom, then I guess the rest of us on the street should know about that.

Personally speaking, I like the new lyrics, though it is of course backwards because the marriage causes you to need the drugs, just as I needed a whole lotta beer when we finally arrived at the pizza place.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Gitcher Motor Runnin'

One year ago today I scribbled the very first post ever here at Kicked Puppies. To celebrate the anniversary of this momentous occasion, I stayed away from the computer as best I could.

And, since it was a beautiful day here in Idiotville, once I finished the chores I put the battery back in the Harley and took it for a spin, something I resolve to do a lot more than I did last summer... Maybe I'll start a "Kicked Puppies World Tour" to help get the word out about my campaign for king. (Yes, I know, it has been a while since I've worked on the campaign. I'm sure I'll get to it soon...)

So watch out, fair readers, I may be on the Harley on my way to your house right now as you read this... do you have enough beer?

Oh yeah, to celebrate having successfully survived a year of blogging, I might take a week or two off from it. Stay tuned, I'll let you know, or won't, depending on what I decide, or not, to do.

(Yes. As you can see, year 2 of Kicked Puppies is starting with all the fantastic planning that was a hallmark of year 1)

Friday, March 10, 2006

Sign of the Apocalypse...NOT!

Here's the latest sign that the universe attempts to right itself once in a while.
I'm certain that with the right mix of classic rock and hip-hop fans on the jury, Yanni could be sentenced to death.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Further Evidence of My Value To Science

Did you see this story? Scientists are all jazzed that they've found a family that can walk only on all fours.

LONDON (AFP) - The discovery of a Turkish family that walks on all fours could aid research into the evolution of humans. Researchers believe the five brothers and sisters, who can walk naturally only on all fours, may provide new information on how humans evolved from four-legged hominids to walk upright.

I gotta say that I'm not impressed. We had several family reunions in the late eighties and early nineties in which several generations of the family were reduced to using all fours, and a handful of people couldn't walk at all! Generally, this was after the scotch had run out but before we'd worked our way through Grampa Idiot's Homemade Blueberry Liquor. Once that particular bottle was empty all forms of ambulatory motion, and most forms of communication save going "ahhhghshisss thalllghhshiss" while holding out an empty glass were done until the alcohol wore off.

So some Turks can walk on all fours, big whoop. Let's see 'em do it while singing the Abbey Road medley after a bottle of Wild-eye Blueberry #5 and without breaking their cigarettes. Once they've passed that test, we'll talk.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Leo Launches Shock and Awe

Responding to the jihad announced by Militant Cat Fluffy X, Leo the Neighbor's Cat has launched a bold new counter-offensive designed to shock and awe his feline enemy.

"I don't know about 'shock' or 'awe'," said a source known only as The Younger, "but when Fluffy saw Leo sitting at the back door waiting for him the other day I thought he might pee on the floor right then and there."

The Counter Offensive, it seems, relies heavily on a strategy of sitting at the back door of Fluffy X's residence. Un-named sources close to Fluffy X state that "the back door was really the only door that Fluffy would use because he was afraid that Leo might be lurking in the bushes near the front door. " A major facet of the plan also seems to involve sitting on the covered hot tub on the deck.

"Oh yeah," said the Younger, "that really got Fluffy worked up because he loves to sit his butt on that warm hot tub cover. If Leo takes that over, Fluffy will have nothing to do with going outside anymore."

At a subsequent hastily called press conference, Fluffy X demanded that Leo abandon his claim to the hot tub, which Fluffy repeatedly referred to as "The Grbac Strip of our time" and also as "The Left Bank." Reporters at the press conference allowed him to continue, but are certain that he meant "Gaza Strip" and "West Bank." The reporters used words such as "agitated," "shrill" and "Off his frickin' rocker" to describe Fluffy's demeanor.

While there was no immediate or official reaction from Leo the Neighbor Cat's Office, not long after the press conference broke up, reporters looked out the back door...

Monday, March 06, 2006

Bass Master

Another Teacher Joke

After seeing the wacky fun that the Blonde Geometry Answer inspired, a friend of mine who's a teacher sent me the following list. One of his colleagues actually wrote it and sent it out to the teachers in his building.

Top ten ways to keep parent-teacher confences brief on Parent night

10. Explain that your room is being painted, and tell them the only space available is a stall in the Boys' lavatory.
9. Ask the cafeteria to provide an Italian Sandwich at 2:30 pm with extra onions and garlic
8. Keep a stack of "The Watchtower" on your desk and ask the parents if they've accepted Jesus yet.
7. Blow your nose frequently, and keep saying "this damn avian flu just will not go away."
6. Whenever parents ask a question, turn to invisible friend next to you and say, "I'm not sure...Arthur, what do you think?"
5. Wear a leather overcoat, a black fedora and speak in a heavy German accent (a monocle would be a nice touch, too).
4. Explain that you're not really a teacher, but an Army Recruiter and you'd like to discuss career possibilities for their child.
3. Say, "Strange, I keep receiving inquiries about the two of you from Youth Services. Any idea why?"
2. "I'd love to talk about your son/daughter. But first, how about a kiss?"
1. Conduct all conferences in your underwear

Friday, March 03, 2006

To The Teachers...

Teachers take a lot of crap and don't get paid much. Here's to them

Thursday, March 02, 2006

What Water?

Leroy sent me the following picture. Apparently there's some concern that recent flooding could cause some serious problems in Ireland. Having lived there for a while, I'm certain that it would take more than water to disrupt that way of life, and I think that this photo bears that out.