Friday, February 17, 2006
Fluffy X Calls for Jihad
Idiotsville, NH (TP)- In a move that surprised no one, increasingly militant cat Fluffy X has today called for a jihad or holy war against a long list of his own personal enemies, Assembling the press to his Idiotsville, NH home, Fluffy X harangued the reporters for nearly forty five minutes of vitriolic tirade, culminating in his request that “all my Muslim brothers and sisters unite to rid the world of these scourges”
Included in his list of “scourges” are Buttercup, the family dog and his own brother Toby, who has refused to go along Fluffy X’s plans to become a family of militant Muslims. Sources who have been following Mr. Fluffy’s conversion to Islam say that it’s not a surprise that he included Buttercup and Toby on the list. There were, however, quite a number of items of interest upon which Fluffy X has declared his Holy War.
-Heathcliff- Fluffy X expounded for several minutes on this cartoon cat’s inherent inferiority to Garfield, who Fluffy kept referring to as “The Second Prophet.” Said Fluffy X, “It is time for the pretender to bathe in the blood of his own entrails, to taste the steel of Tjaden’s Holy Can Opener, to choke on UntaVishnu’s Blessed Hairball and suffer like the Pretender he is.”
-U.S. Secretary of Defense Miles Hutchinson- This caused great confusion and consternation among the members of the press corps until someone noted that Hutchinson is the Secretary of Defense on The West Wing.
-Whoever the $#&? Locked Me Out Last Night- The greatest barrage of venom in Fluffy’s speech was reserved for this person, who, in Fluffy X’s words “Heartlessly and unscrupulously shut me out in the cold for the entire night when I had made it perfectly clear that I was only going outside for a minute to move my bowels.”
-Leo, the Neighbor’s Cat- A source who would only allow herself to be identified as “The Younger” went on the record as snickering when Fluffy X announced his Holy War on Leo. “Leo totally kicked Fluffy’s ass last week, and the week before, and really every time Fluffy leaves the house. That’s why we can’t get him to go out much and he tries to pee in the houseplants,” said The Younger. “Now he gets really mad if you leave him outside for very long.”
There were many other additions to the list, but the Idiot Family had by then recovered enough from their surprise at the sudden invasion by an army of reporters and had put out a commendable spread of snacks, finger sandwiches and drinks, and much of the rest of Fluffy’s list was probably lost, as after expanding his holy war to include the U.S. Women’s Curling Team for their horrible performance at the games, he appeared to be working without notes.