Tuesday, June 28, 2005

If He Didn't Laugh, He'd Cry

Read this story, it will make you feel much better about your luck:

Laughing crook scolded by Penticton judge; packed off to jail

PENTICTON, B.C. (CP) - A man who admitted to armed robbery couldn't
stop giggling in provincial court Wednesday, but it was the justice system
that got the last laugh.
"Stop smiling, it's not funny," Judge Gail Sinclair told Cole Smith. "I
wouldn't be smiling if I was going to prison for two years." Smith, 18,
pleaded guilty to nine counts, including shoplifting.

Ok: here's the bad luck part:

One of the charges was from an armed robbery that was thwarted when he
was locked in the store.

Here's the other bad luck part:

Another time a false name he gave an officer had a warrant out under
that name, so he was arrested anyway.

Timing Is Everything.

I think I've started the Campaign for King at the exact right time in world history:

1) Blog Space is cheap. I mean, if it cost me anything to produce this crap week in and week out, you know I'd have folded up the old tent and gone back to watching Roseanne re-runs a long time ago.

2) The world's political climate might be ripe for the picking. There could be enough political, social and economic unrest here and abroad to inspire people that these are desperate times. I don't actually know this, which is why I used words like "might" and "could". I don't actually read the news, especially foreign news. (Unless the case of the girl missing in Aruba counts as foreign news. I read about that case because I've been to Aruba and long ago predicted that it would only be a matter of time before the Arubans throw off their "One Happy Island" schtick and kill all the white people. I also saw that the missing girl's dad's name was "Jug Twitty", and kept reading hoping to find more colorful Alabaman names).

3) Our politicians are complete idiots.
I've been convinced that our current President is a dumbass for quite some time. Unlike a lot of people, however, I'm ok with that. The U.S. has had quite a few Presidents of limited intelligence and they've done just fine because of the whole "checks and balances" thing you studied in your social studies class. (Unless you're a foreigner reading this and you studied it in your "What those &%$#*@? Americans do for government" class).

So here we go into the 2004 elections and it's clear we have President Boob versus "Intellectual Democrat War Hero Guy". Or, as some might see it, "W versus the Devil". Whatever.

My question is this: How did the Republicans not know about this picture?

Had I been running W's campaign I would have used this picture A LOT. Being an extremely superficial follower of politics, exactly the kind of fickle voter that struck terror into the hearts of the Founding Fathers, I would have voted for anyone who could promise that they would take this picture away before it gives me nightmares.

Also, it turns out that John Kerry's college grades when averaged, were one point lower than George Bush's, and that both of them were in the "C" range.

My college grades were horrible, so I'm running for King.

Monday, June 20, 2005

Summer In The Granite State

Go ahead and mark the date. June 19th, 2005, the day summer hit the Granite State. Until now it has been rainy, drizzly, cold, and crappy with one brief three day intermission of searing heat.

So, now that summer is here and grillin' season is upon us, I won't be "blogging" nearly as much as you're used to. Indeed, I'll be out there manning the grill.

An actual photo of actual ribs I actually grilled for actual guests last week.

Or, I'll be out there in the Granite State meeting celebs. On Saturday, the Idiot familiy packed me into the car and took me to a bookstore where I got to meet Robert B. Parker, author of the Spenser series. I'm a big fan and was more or less rendered dumb in Mr. Parker's presence. Fortunately, Mrs. Village Idiot was able to translate my jibbers, jabbers and grunts into sentences of English for him.

An actual photo of an actual author that I actually met last weekend.

There's also the chance I'll be out exploring the magnificent natural resources and fun family events the Granite State has to offer. Last weekend, for example, I fired up the Harley and drove it up to the motorcycle rally in Laconia. This quaint New England tradition involves tens of thousands of motorcycle enthusiasts, tens of thousands of gallons of alcohol, and tens of thousands of motorcycles. Needless to say, I expect to make Laconia an annual part of my summer. Nothing says summer quite like a week's worth of scantily clad biker chicks.

An actual photo of... well you know. The poor gal on the left should have used a better sunscreen.

So there you have it. I'm going to try and post things at least once a week throughout the summer, probably by Wednesday of each week. Check in with Kicked Puppies from time to time to hear about the Idiot's latest adventures, or, now that the weather has turned, come for a visit!

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Gitmo Must Be Stopped!

I just saw the cover of this week's Time Magazine and the news is far, far worse than I thought. I rushed home to warn you all of the impending danger. Apparently, it's not soldiers that are peeing on Koreans down in Cuba, it's a gremlin named Gitmo.

I know about him because a few years ago I saw an awesome documentary about these gremlin things, they're all cute and cuddly until you feed them or something then they turn into hideous beasts. There are a couple of other things that can transform them too, but I can't remember what they are. Something must have transformed Gitmo, though, because peeing on Koreans is definitely not something he would do in his cute phase!

I'm going to Blockbuster to see if they have that movie, I'm pretty sure it was called The Goonies or something like that. I only hope it will tell us how to change them back to the cute and cuddly gremlins before it's too late!

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Wally Update:They Gave Him a Ring

During last night's Reds- Red Sox game, Wally, the stuffed animal I wrote about the other day, was given a hand-made replica of the World Championship trophy AND a mini world championship ring.

New England may have actually gone crazy while I was away.

Here's Why the Soviet Union Fell:

8-inch french fry auctioned off for $197
WALCOTT, Iowa -- An 8-inch french fry found by a bartender has sold for nearly $200 on eBay. Mindy Marland said she was working at the Checkered Flag Bar & Grill, across from the Iowa 80 Truckstop, when she spotted the unusually long french fry.

"A waitress was walking by and I saw it sitting right on top of a plate she was getting ready to serve -- I was intrigued by it and took it off the plate," said Marland, 29, of Walcott.

Marland said she decided to sell it on eBay. Bids started at $1. By the time bidding ended, it had sold for $197.50. She said she was surprised at how much it sold for.
She also said she was surprised about the size of the french fry, explaining how it had to travel from where it was made to the restaurant's freezer and finally into the fryer.
"I can't believe it didn't break," said Marland, a mother of two.

See? Capitalism Rocks, just keep your eyes on the fries.

Friday, June 10, 2005

This was NOT an accident...

People who've been reading this blog for a while might remember that I had a problem with my cat chewing on my toothbrush not too long ago. My cat was troublesome, these cats are criminal:

Cats use fax as toilet, spark house fire
TOKYO (Reuters) - Two kittens picked the wrong place to relieve themselves when they urinated on a fax machine, sparking a fire that extensively damaged their Japanese owner's house.

People, I think we've just seen the first salvo in the animal revolution.

Meanwhile, my cat spent the morning with a small piece of duct tape stuck to his foot. He hopped and spun and had several little jimmy-leg fits before I was able to (wanted to) relieve him of his accoutrement. If he's figured out how to access internet news, and it wouldn't surpise me a bit to know that he has, he's probably read about the Tokyo incident and is looking around the house and drinking a lot of water.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Think I'm going to Katmandu...

See the previous post to understand why the weather in Katmandu is important to us. And here I thought that assembling 100 nude women for a dance was just a (brilliant) ploy by some old Monk. Shame on me.

Send more dancing girls, it appears to be working

Raindrops keep falling on my....

Ok kids, here's a lesson in cultural diversity:

Culture 1:
Indian village marries off toads in bid for rains

KHOCHAKANDAR, India (Reuters) - Two giants toads were married in a traditional Hindu ceremony in eastern India at the weekend by villagers hoping to propitiate the rain gods and end a dry spell.

Some 400 people cheered and blew conches as women put streaks of vermilion on the female toad's head while a band played music and priests solemnised the marriage to the chanting of Hindu hymns.

The toads were picked up from separate ponds, dressed in bright red clothes and brought to the marriage venue in a decorated palanquin in Khochakandar village in West Bengal state late on Sunday. The married toads were released into a pond after the ceremony in the village about 365 km (225 miles) north of the state capital, Calcutta.

Ok, fair enough.
Here's Culture 2:

Nepalese Women dance naked in hopes of getting rain

KATHMANDU, Nepal (AP) - More than 100 women danced naked in a remote mountainous village in Nepal hoping the gods would be pleased and give them rain, a news report said Tuesday.

The women gathered at a local school, smeared their faces with black powder and danced naked last week at Darbang village, about 280 kilometres west of the capital, Kathmandu. "People in this area believe the (Hindu god) Mahadev will be happy and provide rain once women perform such a nude dance," the Kathmandu Post quoted local teacher as saying.

You know which rain-making method i'm cheering for, don't you.... and yes in fact, I am checking the weather in Nepal right now.

Monday, June 06, 2005

Why are we peeing on Koreans?

I was very surprised to hear that our U.S. soldiers were peeing on Koreans down in Cuba. I mean, the mind reels at that one. Why are there Koreans in Cuba? Why are we peeing on them?

It occurred to me that I might not know as much about world politics as I thought I did. I mean, I know that North Korea has a hard-ass little guy in charge, and that he keeps threatening to build nuclear weapons and then use them to blow things up. I’ve always suspected that he’s just bored because he lives in the sticks, (i.e. North Korea) and is amusing himself. After all, ranting and raving about nuclear weapons A) scares the crap out of the neighbors and B) is always good for a laugh because the American president always messes up and says “nook-u-lar” and C) is a good way to fill the time until the major Korean networks come up with a Tommy Hilfiger reality show of their very own.

But still, peeing on them?

It occurred to me that this might make sense if it were actually happening in Korea, you know, where they have an actual border. Maybe they have contests to see who can stand the furthest away from North Korea and still pee on it. Peeing on Koreans in Cuba, though, didn’t make any sense.

Yes, you know what happened. I did a little reading and found out that it was one poor Korean we’ve been peeing on, and his name is apparently Qur’an or Quraan or something. Why we’ve singled out this particular guy (gal?) I don’t know. I think it has something to do with a book he (she?) has written. As a reader, I can get on board with this because there are many, many bad novels out there whose authors deserve some form of punishment. Personally, I wouldn’t have thought of this one, but I’m sure it will make hack authors think twice before using passive verbs or trite and common plot devices again.

Personally, I think the line should start right here:

The Summer Blockbuster Reviewed

As a card-carrying member of the Blog community, I know that I have certain responsibilities and duties to uphold, and that one of them is to stay current and offer my honest and insightful reviews of the big news items and current happenings. Every blogger in the universe has probably already weighed in on this one, so I’m a little tardy, I know. (I’d been waiting for my official Blogger card to arrive, anyhow).

So, finally, here’s my review of the movie everyone’s been talking about. I know y’all have been waiting for me to give the 411 on this particular piece of film, because y’all wanna know how a playa with my mad skillz rolls with this one.

Yep, me and the wife finally saw Bad Boys II.

Personally, I thought the movie was funny, though a little over the top. For the two of you who haven’t seen it yet, stop reading because here comes a spoiler: When Will Smith and Martin Lawrence lead a team of commandoes to invade Cuba, I think they may have gone a little far.

Other than that, it was off the chain. They dropped the F bomb at least six hundred times. I’m thinking about getting a copy of the movie just so I can count all the times they went nukular. They must have wrecked six hundred cars too. There were like two or three major car chase scenes and all of them destroyed a pile of phat rides. They must’ve shot like 600 bazillion rounds of ammo. They had their 9mms blazin’ in almost every scene and when they didn’t, they’s blazin’ with Uzi’s and Tek-9s. It was blaxion packed, with my brothers Will and Martin bringing the heat and bringing the laughs. I never saw the first Bad Boys movie, but I was still able to understand the plot, more or less.

Don’t be the last person at the water cooler to see it, tell ‘em Idiot-G sent ya.

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Assbag Follow-up

I watched some of the Sox game on NESN this afternoon. The announcers, Jerry and Don, got their booth back from "The National Guys" and were amused that they found it quite messy. They complained about the mess in the sixth or seventh inning, so apparently even hours after the game started they were still finding things left behind by Joe Buck and Tim McCarver.

See? They're not only stupid and annoying, they're messy! Please Fox, fire McCarver.
(And soon, the Sox are on Fox against the Cubs next weekend).

Saturday, June 04, 2005

Tim McCarver, Professional Assbag

Why does Fox keep hiring Tim McCarver to do baseball?

I wonder if maybe they accidently signed him to an eighty year contract way back before anyone heard him do a game, or if maybe he works for free just because he loves to hear himself talk. Whatever it is, I wish that someone would hurry up and elect me king so that we can get him the hell out of the broadcast booth and into the parade right behind the elephant where he belongs.

I'm becoming resigned to the fact that we're probably stuck with Tim's little sidekick, Joe Buck, because he's such a lovely poster boy for nepotism and because Budweiser loaned him a personality for their Superbowl ads. I can handle Lil Bucky because I suspect that whatever horrendous scandal his life's arc is racing toward will entertain us wildly with its sordid details, or he'll get hired by one of the big networks and we'll only have to put up with him whenever that station gets the Olympics.

Normally my "rant about Tim McCarver season" doesn't kick off until the playoffs, but today I was treated to a Red Sox game on Fox. I only caught the last couple of innings, and it was plenty to get me fired up. Whether it's calling Darin Erstad "Darrell" or saying how great a pitcher's "stuff" looks right before the very same pitcher walks three straight batters to load the bases*, Tim's particular flavor of wrongness needs to be tossed out of the spice rack.

(*That would be Matt Mantei's "stuff" today. Tim mentioned that Mantei's stuff is so good this year, he could step in and be the team's closer. Immediately thereafter, as if scripted, Mantei self-destructed and began throwing the ball underhand to the mighty Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, California, West Coast, USA. Here's how good Mantei's stuff was today: IP 0.1 H 1 BB 3 ER 4 K 0)

Time and time again, McCarver says something that's wrong, then we all watch the video replay and see how wrong he was. I will note that he's improving. Ten years ago, he used to make us watch the replay over and over again until he'd convinced us he was right (or made us change the channel). Today he falsely accused Trot Nixon of not hustling after a ball, the video showed he was wrong, and Tim kinda dropped it. If we give him another ten years, maybe he'll become a great announcer. Of course, I will spend that ten years learning how to be a soccer fan or a australian rules football fan, because I definitely can't take another ten years of Tim McCarver.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

The Deep Throat Guy

I know, there are more than ample cheap and crass jokes to be had with the Deep Throat story. I'm above that, (barely).

Here's the sort of angle I like:

Bill Gaines, a University of Illinois journalism professor, directed a four-year study into Deep Throat's identity. "We eliminated (Felt) and anyone at the FBI because there was a quote in the book (All the President's Men) attributed to Deep Throat that was attributed to a White House source when it appeared in The Washington Post," Gaines said.

Is it wrong for me to get such joy when experts are wrong?
Let me go back there for a sec.
He directed a four-year study!

He could have guessed Mr. Rogers was Deepthroat and he would have been every bit as right as he turned out to be!

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

My New Hero: The Bar Guy

The Bar Guy
Have you heard about this guy? He set a goal to visit 1,000 bars in a year, and he's way ahead of schedule. He's got a blog about it here

Personally, at the rate I'm going, I hope to visit 100 bars in the rest of my life. I'll let you know how I'm doing.

The Village Idiot Official Bar Tally since June 1, 2005- 0

Arianna and Chums
Y'all probably know about Arianna Huffington's Blog. She's a political talking head with lots of famous friends, and they write columns for her blog too.

Better yet, is this parody of her blog Huffington's Toast. In it, someone is impersonating the celebrity bloggers and it can be pretty funny.