Tim McCarver, Professional Assbag

Why does Fox keep hiring Tim McCarver to do baseball?

I wonder if maybe they accidently signed him to an eighty year contract way back before anyone heard him do a game, or if maybe he works for free just because he loves to hear himself talk. Whatever it is, I wish that someone would hurry up and elect me king so that we can get him the hell out of the broadcast booth and into the parade right behind the elephant where he belongs.

I'm becoming resigned to the fact that we're probably stuck with Tim's little sidekick, Joe Buck, because he's such a lovely poster boy for nepotism and because Budweiser loaned him a personality for their Superbowl ads. I can handle Lil Bucky because I suspect that whatever horrendous scandal his life's arc is racing toward will entertain us wildly with its sordid details, or he'll get hired by one of the big networks and we'll only have to put up with him whenever that station gets the Olympics.

Normally my "rant about Tim McCarver season" doesn't kick off until the playoffs, but today I was treated to a Red Sox game on Fox. I only caught the last couple of innings, and it was plenty to get me fired up. Whether it's calling Darin Erstad "Darrell" or saying how great a pitcher's "stuff" looks right before the very same pitcher walks three straight batters to load the bases*, Tim's particular flavor of wrongness needs to be tossed out of the spice rack.

(*That would be Matt Mantei's "stuff" today. Tim mentioned that Mantei's stuff is so good this year, he could step in and be the team's closer. Immediately thereafter, as if scripted, Mantei self-destructed and began throwing the ball underhand to the mighty Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, California, West Coast, USA. Here's how good Mantei's stuff was today: IP 0.1 H 1 BB 3 ER 4 K 0)

Time and time again, McCarver says something that's wrong, then we all watch the video replay and see how wrong he was. I will note that he's improving. Ten years ago, he used to make us watch the replay over and over again until he'd convinced us he was right (or made us change the channel). Today he falsely accused Trot Nixon of not hustling after a ball, the video showed he was wrong, and Tim kinda dropped it. If we give him another ten years, maybe he'll become a great announcer. Of course, I will spend that ten years learning how to be a soccer fan or a australian rules football fan, because I definitely can't take another ten years of Tim McCarver.