After seeing the wacky fun that the Blonde Geometry Answer inspired, a friend of mine who's a teacher sent me the following list. One of his colleagues actually wrote it and sent it out to the teachers in his building.
Top ten ways to keep parent-teacher confences brief on Parent night
10. Explain that your room is being painted, and tell them the only space available is a stall in the Boys' lavatory.
9. Ask the cafeteria to provide an Italian Sandwich at 2:30 pm with extra onions and garlic
8. Keep a stack of "The Watchtower" on your desk and ask the parents if they've accepted Jesus yet.
7. Blow your nose frequently, and keep saying "this damn avian flu just will not go away."
6. Whenever parents ask a question, turn to invisible friend next to you and say, "I'm not sure...Arthur, what do you think?"
5. Wear a leather overcoat, a black fedora and speak in a heavy German accent (a monocle would be a nice touch, too).
4. Explain that you're not really a teacher, but an Army Recruiter and you'd like to discuss career possibilities for their child.
3. Say, "Strange, I keep receiving inquiries about the two of you from Youth Services. Any idea why?"
2. "I'd love to talk about your son/daughter. But first, how about a kiss?"
1. Conduct all conferences in your underwear