Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Frata Mon Life Is Hard

While In Jamaica last week, we got stuck in a minor traffic jam, probably the result of a goat in the road. At the time, our driver had the Bob Marley CD Legend cranked. (It was enough of a back-up that I barely got a chuckle out of him when I pointed out that "we be traffic jamming, mon").

Our driver, Barry, was somewhere in his early twenties. As we listened to Legend, he occasionally sang along, and it became pretty clear that he knew maybe one or two lines from each song. I found this amusing, because every other t-shirt for sale in Jamaica has a picture of Bob Marley on it, and there are tens of millions of American frat boys and college dorm students who know every word, riddim and nuance of all the songs on Legend.

So, with that as an a intro, I now present for your amusement an article I borrowed word for word from The Onion. I take no credit for it, so if you're amused by it, go read The Onion, week after week it's the funniest thing in America).

Bob Marley Rises From Grave To Free Frat Boys From Bonds Of Oppression
WILLIAMSBURG, VA—In an unprecedented effort to fight injustice, reggae music legend Bob Marley, dead since 1981, rose from his grave in Jamaica early Sunday to free his most devoted followers, American college fraternity members, "from the bonds of oppression."

Marley's recordings, which originally raised awareness of the Rastafarian faith and the plight of underprivileged Jamaicans and Africans, have taken on an even deeper meaning as the Greek fraternal system, a maligned, misunderstood minority group itself, has fervently embraced the driving, soulful music.

Minutes after his resurrection, the dreadlocked spirit materialized in the backyard of Epsilon Iota, the Sigma Nu chapter of the College of William and Mary in Virginia. Radiating a transcendent aura, Marley addressed the college's recent campus-wide ban on bonfires. "I appeared to I fraternity brothers to tell them be strong," said Marley, standing in front of hundreds of hooting fraternity members. "I say don't let dean of students, Henry Riegert, fool ya, or even try to school ya. We'll get that bonfire going in time for da mixer, mon. A fire a man's own business."

Marley plays Fight Night.

Marley was referring to Dean Henry Riegert, who recently denied Sigma Nu's request to host the annual homecoming mixer after their back-to-school party resulted in three severe injuries and two cases of acute alcohol poisoning. "I songs was about the plight of the brothers and sisters in Jamaica, mon," Marley said. "But right now, it is the frata mon who need it more. They are standing by I music during they keg party."

Marley has been touring the country, acting as the voice for America's fraternities. "Frata mon's life is hard," said Marley during a press conference Monday at Iowa State University's Acacia fraternity. "Professor, he flunk you all the time. Policeman, he ticket you for the noise. Board of Regents, they make so many rule, try to keep the fraternity music down."
In ongoing meetings with fraternity presidents nationwide, Marley said he has heard accounts of mandatory sensitivity seminars, confiscated fake IDs, citations for public nudity, and unfair public perceptions of fraternity members.

These harrowing stories have inspired Marley to hold a benefit concert Oct. 15 at the Las Olas Open-Air Ampitheater in Cabo San Lucas. All proceeds from the benefit, which could prove the largest gathering of reggae-loving frat members since the Reggae Sunsplash tour in 1997, will go to a legal-defense fund overseen by the North American Interfraternity Conference. Admission to the concert will be free for any member of the fraternity system wearing a baseball hat cocked to the side or back. "I is hoping to get as many of I brothers to the concert as I can," Marley said. "I want them to see that many people may not hear the cries of the oppressively rich white children, but Bob Marley hear them."

Jason "Boner" Bonham, chapter president of the Zeta Beta Tau fraternity at Tufts University, described Marley's second coming as "killer." "We're going to Cabo San Lucas!" Bonham said. "The only thing that would be better is if Jim Morrison himself rose from the grave to jam with Bob." "Seriously, I'm such a huge fan that I've practically worn out my CD copy of Legend. It's the best music," Bonham added.

Marley helps a frat boy release his body from the tyranny of alcohol.

Although Marley will return to his grave after the Cabo San Lucas concert, he said he will rise up occasionally to give impromptu shows in the billiard rooms, arcades, and basements of fraternity houses across the nation. "Rasta no abide a sad fraternity mon," Marley said. "I and I will see da brothaman through. These songs of freedom... They all they ever had."


Blither said...

Last Pic Rules! Thanks for the enlightenment.

Badaunt said...

A couple of days ago I found an old photo album from when The Man and I visited an island in Malaysia. There is one particular photo of a goat we named Bob Marley because of its dreadlocks. (The island was infested with very friendly goats, but only one that looked like Bob Marley.)

Are you wondering what the point of my comment is? So am I, but it's your fault. You mentioned Bob Marley and a goat in the same post.

Hänni said...

I think I knew Jason "Boner" Bonham when I was in college.

Good to see you back for the new year village idiot!

barefoot_mistress said...

Rubbah Duck Style, Mon!

lime said...

the picture of marley helping the puker is the best!!! too friggin funny

Marti said...

Oh mah gawd...I be laughings so haud hee-ya mon!

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