Friday, December 02, 2005

Putting On The Foil, Coach

When I was growing up the Celtics were awesome, the Patriots were stinky*, the Bruins were good and the Red Sox were anyone's guess. Now of course, the times have changed. The Patriots have been awesome, the Red Sox won a World Series, the Celtics have been stinky* and the Bruins? Well, Wednesday's trade of star Joe Thornton couldn't be good, thought I.

Yes, for those of you who are not addicted to New England professional sports, the Boston Bruins traded their franchise player and team captain, Joe Thornton, to the San Jose Sharks for three players in a trade that just flat out doesn't make sense for us. Then, to confound me further, the Bruins played last night using the three new players and managed to shut out the Ottawa Senators 3-0. The winning goal was of course scored by Marco Sturm, one of the three new guys.

Because it fits my brand of journalism, I'm going to ignore last night's game and focus on the negative, namely, that if we're going to trade a star, we went after the wrong three guys. We should have gone after the Hanson Brothers.

No, I don't mean the three Hanson Brothers that make up the Weenie Rocksters Hanson.

This is not a case of the Village Idiot wanting to Hear Mmm-Bop or whatever the heck* their hit was. No, this is the Village Idiot out to kick some fanny*

The Hansons I'm talking about are the goons from the 1977 Paul Newman movie Slap Shot**. I mean, if we Bruins fans have to watch a bad team, they should at least give us a team that's fun to watch. The Hanson Brothers would have provided us with entertainment as well as the satisfaction of knowing that our team would leave the ice only after they'd pounded the living daylights out of the other team. These guys liked to fight, and they liked to fight dirty.

The Hanson Brothers, ready for action

Now, I'm not telling you to go rent Slap Shot, or even to watch hockey, (Mrs. Idiot lists both of those activities only slightly higher than using an olive fork to remove her own spleen, for example). What I am saying is this; The Bruins made a bad trade, and I'm happy to use that as a reason to talk about the Hanson Brothers because they amuse me.

The Hanson Brothers, pre-game but post fight

Really, that's it. There's no moral here or punchline or anything, just the Hanson Brothers, forever putting on the foil, coach.

*I'm trying to clean up the language on my blog at the suggestion of one of my sisters. I'll be going back to bowdlerize previous posts as time permits. (Yes, I am that desperate for readers). I should also note that this was a separate conversation from the one I had with my Sainted Mother, who suggested I should extend the Outhouse Post and research whether or not the moon on an outhouse door has anything to do with mooning. Then, Mom suggested, I could post the story on Half Nekkid Thursday along with a picture of my fanny **** Yes, that's right, the sainted mother was encouraging me to moon y'all

**Slap Shot's tagline was "Slap Shot out slaps... out swears... out laughs..." It is rated R and contains strong language and adult situations. Do not undertake the watching of this film unless you are prepared for salty dialogue. Occasionally it's shown on cable, but there are so many bleeps, omitted words and overdubs that the movie sounds as if the sound technicians were very very drunk.

***I make no claims on Slap Shot II. I didn't see it. I did, however, see Caddyshack II and, based on that seemingly unrelated fact, advise against seeing Slap Shot II.

**** In Britain, they don't use the word "fanny" to mean "bum" or "bottom", instead, the fanny is the naughty bits in front. A friend of mine learned this the hard way when she gave a toast to her British friend's wedding, and humorously mentioned the lady's "nice fanny" which, instead of making everyone laugh as intended, made the room so quiet you could hear all those staid British jaws dropping.

Res Ipsa Loquitur, Have a Nice Weekend!


Sassy said...

So does that mean I shouldn't curse any more in the f&*%$@# comment box either? ;)

lime said...

have i mentioned before that i think the sainted mother is an absolute riot? she is too much. you need to add more sainted mother stories to your blog, hehehehe. i love 'em.

Kyahgirl said...

I love your sainted mother already!

Yes, I saw Slap Shot. Goofy but funny. I still remember it and that was a long, long time ago. Now that I know the Bruins are your team, I'll be paying extra special attention.
Don't know how far the Edmonton Oilers will go this year, they are still working out the kinks from the last few years of trades, retirments, and new recruits. I'm glad Hockey is back.

Ariella said...

What the ***?
No more **** cussing?
What the **** are we suppose to talk about?
You almost made me do a spit take, I do so love to read the thoughts of a village idiot in the morning!

Lisa said...

So hard to not curse...and I am duly impressed by your Mom!

Badaunt said...

By avoiding profanity you have managed to use far naughtier language than you did before, at least as far as I'm concerned. You're making me blush. Or that might just be the too-hot bath I just had. I forgot to turn it off in time.

(Hee hee hee! He said 'fanny'!)