This was the year we had to level with the younger one as to truth about Santa. Seeing that she's about to enter middle school, we figured we were running the risk of having her get beat up if we sent her to school much longer not knowing the whole deal. Plus, running any sort of scam this long takes a toll and frankly, the Idiots are tired.
Mrs. Village Idiot sat the child down and had the talk and, all things considered, they both survived the ordeal quite well. The younger one's best friend had been trying to clue her in, so it didn't come out of the clear blue sky, and Mrs. Idiot has been preparing for (and dreading) a Santa-free house for at least a couple of years.
From "the talk", we learned that our Easter Bunny was never really believable. I believe that this is probably less a testament to our deception skills than a defense mechanism by our children; they were both terrified by Chuck E. Cheese and still get nervous whenever they're approached by the giant furry team mascots at sporting events, so the idea of a humungous rabbit breaking and entering with baskets of eggs was probably too terrifying for them and they immediately dismissed it as more weird jibberish from the parental channel. On a brighter front, she had totally bought the Tooth Fairy, and we actually thought we'd have to provide evidence to prove it.
"Yeah, right Mom," said the girl sarcastically, "What happened to all our baby teeth? You got 'em in a drawer upstairs?" This was said with all the sneering certainty that only little kids can get away with.
(big pause while child thinks)
Child thinks, family sees lightbulb come on over child's head, child cracks enormous grin.
Child says "You have our baby teeth in some drawer upstairs, don't you."
Parents realize they have yet another precious story with which to embarrass child.
When it was all over, they split a pint of Ben and Jerry's Phish Food and the world was good again.
So, that got me thinking. The thing I miss most about the Christmasses of my youth isn't Santa, it's vacation. Remember how in school you always got at least a week and a half off? I spent many many days in my youth looking forward to vacation. Counting down the days, dragging through that last week until we were free! Free! FREE!! Then, even better, college gave us a month off! Why can't we do that in the business world too?
Here's a new plank for my campaign for king platform- a two week holiday break in December for everyone. I know we'll need emergency people and store employees and lots of help desk people to answer phones when the new holiday gadgets don't work, but really, I think the world will be a better place if we all take a little more time off. Double Pay for the people that have to work during the break, and give everyone else the last two weeks of December off. We have plenty of plastic pipe, lawn ornaments, and GMC trucks - close those factories! God knows we get enough lawyering and business smoozing done, close the firms and lock the doors, everyone has to go home and chill out.
So that you see I'm a fellow who practices what he preaches, I'm starting my break plan right now. I'm taking the rest of December off. No working, no blogging- just pure sloth.
That's right, you heard me, I'm shutting down Kicked Puppies for the rest of the month and sending the staff home to their families. They've worked hard bringing the news to the people, now they can finally relax.
Fear not, I'll be back in the New Year with a fresh new start and the same old idiocy. Until then, take a break; tell your boss that the Village Idiot says you need time off for Festivus. (If that doesn't work, just start crying uncontrollably about the fact that someone stole your strawberries, that's how I got the time off).
2005 has been fun, and a lot of that fun for us here in the Idiot Household has been as a result of our meager attempts to make y'all laugh. We've enjoyed the creation, production and constant evolution of this blog, but we've especially enjoyed your feedback. (There's nothing better than getting a call from an old friend telling me I made them shoot Coca-Cola out their nose with a fart joke). Thank you all for the kind words, they really do mean a lot. It's been fun, and I look forward to more of it next year.
Happy Holidays all, may they be fun, safe, restful and a little wacky. May your 2006 be your best year yet, and may you come back and read my jibberish when I fire the typewriter up again on Jan. 1.
For now, though, skedaddle, there's nothing more to see here. Go read an old post, or better yet, hug someone you care about.