Thin Puppies

Ok, readers, I'll warn ya right now, it's gonna be slim pickins here at Kicked Puppies for the next few weeks, possibly for the next couple of months.

We've got the NCAA Tournament coming up, and I'll need to watch every possible second of it, even if it's only to keep tabs on Gonzaga's Adam Morrison, who sports what a Sports Illustrated writer recently brilliantly called his "Fisher-Price My First Moustache."


Then, to make matters worse, The Sopranos has started up again. This is television so good it hurts, (almost better than the NCAA tournament, even).

I thought the new season started brilliantly, by the way. I won't say a thing about it other than that in case you haven't seen it yet.

As if that's not bad enough, The Amazing Race is good this season, and Survivor has been great, so between the tournament, the Sopranos and The Amazing Race, the whole month of March will be blog-free.
In April, Survivor starts up again, the Red Sox start playing again, and there's that whole "Go outside, it's Spring" thing.

May looks like a good month for blogging, but in June, Deadwood starts again. (Shall we compare Al Swearengen's moustache with Morrison's). (I didn't much like season 2 of Deadwood, and I hope that season 3 gets it back to being as good as the first year, which was absolutely riveting television).

Also in June, the Red Sox will be battling for first place, (as will my fantasy baseball team), and I'll be busy on the Harley visiting the homes of fellow bloggers, I might just have to pack it in until next winter... of course then, in March, it starts all over again, only this time, with the return of HBO's best show, Rome.

Seriously, I may need time off from work even.

Kids Say the Darndest Things

Last night we were driving to a pizza place.
We had me and the Mrs.
Then there was the Teen and her Chum.
Then there was the Younger, and her Chum, and another Chum.
(Yes, it was a VERY long ride).

Anyhoo, The Younger's Posse discovered that the Teen's Chum likes a boy named Fred. The Younger's Chum started a chant while the other two yelled along
"Chummy and Freddie up in a tree... kay eye ess ess eye enn gee..."

at this point it's all just more of their loud noise to me, I can feel another new facial tic developing, and then, the Younger's Chum, having achieved maximum volume for her solo, belted out what she thought were the words:

"First comes drugs, then comes marriage..."

Now, upon reflection I guess I should inquire with her parents as to the exact combination of drugs that led to their marriage, because if Mr. Younger's Chum's Dad used chloroform to woo Mrs. Younger's Chum's Mom, then I guess the rest of us on the street should know about that.

Personally speaking, I like the new lyrics, though it is of course backwards because the marriage causes you to need the drugs, just as I needed a whole lotta beer when we finally arrived at the pizza place.

Gitcher Motor Runnin'

One year ago today I scribbled the very first post ever here at Kicked Puppies. To celebrate the anniversary of this momentous occasion, I stayed away from the computer as best I could.

And, since it was a beautiful day here in Idiotville, once I finished the chores I put the battery back in the Harley and took it for a spin, something I resolve to do a lot more than I did last summer... Maybe I'll start a "Kicked Puppies World Tour" to help get the word out about my campaign for king. (Yes, I know, it has been a while since I've worked on the campaign. I'm sure I'll get to it soon...)


So watch out, fair readers, I may be on the Harley on my way to your house right now as you read this... do you have enough beer?

Oh yeah, to celebrate having successfully survived a year of blogging, I might take a week or two off from it. Stay tuned, I'll let you know, or won't, depending on what I decide, or not, to do.

(Yes. As you can see, year 2 of Kicked Puppies is starting with all the fantastic planning that was a hallmark of year 1)

Sign of the Apocalypse...NOT!

Here's the latest sign that the universe attempts to right itself once in a while.
I'm certain that with the right mix of classic rock and hip-hop fans on the jury, Yanni could be sentenced to death.

Further Evidence of My Value To Science

Did you see this story? Scientists are all jazzed that they've found a family that can walk only on all fours.

LONDON (AFP) - The discovery of a Turkish family that walks on all fours could aid research into the evolution of humans. Researchers believe the five brothers and sisters, who can walk naturally only on all fours, may provide new information on how humans evolved from four-legged hominids to walk upright.

I gotta say that I'm not impressed. We had several family reunions in the late eighties and early nineties in which several generations of the family were reduced to using all fours, and a handful of people couldn't walk at all! Generally, this was after the scotch had run out but before we'd worked our way through Grampa Idiot's Homemade Blueberry Liquor. Once that particular bottle was empty all forms of ambulatory motion, and most forms of communication save going "ahhhghshisss thalllghhshiss" while holding out an empty glass were done until the alcohol wore off.

So some Turks can walk on all fours, big whoop. Let's see 'em do it while singing the Abbey Road medley after a bottle of Wild-eye Blueberry #5 and without breaking their cigarettes. Once they've passed that test, we'll talk.

Leo Launches Shock and Awe

Responding to the jihad announced by Militant Cat Fluffy X, Leo the Neighbor's Cat has launched a bold new counter-offensive designed to shock and awe his feline enemy.

"I don't know about 'shock' or 'awe'," said a source known only as The Younger, "but when Fluffy saw Leo sitting at the back door waiting for him the other day I thought he might pee on the floor right then and there."

The Counter Offensive, it seems, relies heavily on a strategy of sitting at the back door of Fluffy X's residence. Un-named sources close to Fluffy X state that "the back door was really the only door that Fluffy would use because he was afraid that Leo might be lurking in the bushes near the front door. " A major facet of the plan also seems to involve sitting on the covered hot tub on the deck.

"Oh yeah," said the Younger, "that really got Fluffy worked up because he loves to sit his butt on that warm hot tub cover. If Leo takes that over, Fluffy will have nothing to do with going outside anymore."


At a subsequent hastily called press conference, Fluffy X demanded that Leo abandon his claim to the hot tub, which Fluffy repeatedly referred to as "The Grbac Strip of our time" and also as "The Left Bank." Reporters at the press conference allowed him to continue, but are certain that he meant "Gaza Strip" and "West Bank." The reporters used words such as "agitated," "shrill" and "Off his frickin' rocker" to describe Fluffy's demeanor.

While there was no immediate or official reaction from Leo the Neighbor Cat's Office, not long after the press conference broke up, reporters looked out the back door...

Bass Master

Another Teacher Joke

After seeing the wacky fun that the Blonde Geometry Answer inspired, a friend of mine who's a teacher sent me the following list. One of his colleagues actually wrote it and sent it out to the teachers in his building.


Top ten ways to keep parent-teacher confences brief on Parent night

10. Explain that your room is being painted, and tell them the only space available is a stall in the Boys' lavatory.
9. Ask the cafeteria to provide an Italian Sandwich at 2:30 pm with extra onions and garlic
8. Keep a stack of "The Watchtower" on your desk and ask the parents if they've accepted Jesus yet.
7. Blow your nose frequently, and keep saying "this damn avian flu just will not go away."
6. Whenever parents ask a question, turn to invisible friend next to you and say, "I'm not sure...Arthur, what do you think?"
5. Wear a leather overcoat, a black fedora and speak in a heavy German accent (a monocle would be a nice touch, too).
4. Explain that you're not really a teacher, but an Army Recruiter and you'd like to discuss career possibilities for their child.
3. Say, "Strange, I keep receiving inquiries about the two of you from Youth Services. Any idea why?"
2. "I'd love to talk about your son/daughter. But first, how about a kiss?"
1. Conduct all conferences in your underwear

To The Teachers...

Teachers take a lot of crap and don't get paid much. Here's to them

What Water?

Leroy sent me the following picture. Apparently there's some concern that recent flooding could cause some serious problems in Ireland. Having lived there for a while, I'm certain that it would take more than water to disrupt that way of life, and I think that this photo bears that out.