The War in Iraq Would Make a Great Country Song

Driving to work in the Idiot mobile this morning, it occurred to me that the War in Iraq would make a great country song. By the time I got to work I had most of it written, (which is remarkable, because I was also chugging down coffee, eating a donut, talking on my cell phone, diapering a baby and smoking some cigarettes while piloting my giant SUV). I made it safely to work, and after some furious typing and on the fly editing, have written my first country song.

What John Wayne Woulda Done
by me, the Village Idiot.
(All rights reserved, so no stealin!)

As I circled the ranch in my pick em up truck,
I was feelin all lowly and down on my luck
Cause that Saddam Hussein tried to kill off my daddy
which clued me right in that he was a baddy
I said to my dog as we drove through the night,
I’m gonna git him fer Pappy, as it’s perfectly right
For the son of a man to go shoot up the clown
who tried to shoot my Pappy down.

That’s the first verse, and I think I’m off to a heck of a start because I’ve already worked in several key country components; a pick-up truck, a dog, a ranch, a Pappy, and a revenge plot.

Here’s the chorus:

Oh I no longer chase women I no longer drink beer
But I still like them pretzels still can’t say “nuclear”
Yet I know it’s my job to git my revenge,
even if’n we go to alert lev’l orange,
Yes I know it’s the job of a red blooded son,
cause I know that it’s what ol’ John Wayne woulda done.

I’m especially proud of the chorus because I was able to rhyme the word “Orange” with “revenge”, and I managed to bring in two of the Holy Shrines of the country music lifestyle; beer and John Wayne.

As I said, I wrote this on the way to work, so I need to add a couple more verses. Here’s the last verse though. Though I don’t listen to much NPR and generally avoid conversation with people who do, I do know that our economic forecast is generally weak, which is why I’m glad I was able to get the last line in, which, based on what I know, seems to explain W’s entire plan for getting the economy back on track. Notice also that I was able to get a train into the song, which, combined with the dog, the beer, the John Wayne, the pick ‘em up truck, the word ‘gal’ and the revenge plot may qualify this tune for the country music hall of fame.

As that train whistle blows,
as my gal says goodnight
The ol’ deficit grows
but we still gotta fight
And though Saddam is in jail
and his country’s in tatters
We got lotsa spring sales, so go shopping, it matters.