Bass Master

Another Teacher Joke

After seeing the wacky fun that the Blonde Geometry Answer inspired, a friend of mine who's a teacher sent me the following list. One of his colleagues actually wrote it and sent it out to the teachers in his building.


Top ten ways to keep parent-teacher confences brief on Parent night

10. Explain that your room is being painted, and tell them the only space available is a stall in the Boys' lavatory.
9. Ask the cafeteria to provide an Italian Sandwich at 2:30 pm with extra onions and garlic
8. Keep a stack of "The Watchtower" on your desk and ask the parents if they've accepted Jesus yet.
7. Blow your nose frequently, and keep saying "this damn avian flu just will not go away."
6. Whenever parents ask a question, turn to invisible friend next to you and say, "I'm not sure...Arthur, what do you think?"
5. Wear a leather overcoat, a black fedora and speak in a heavy German accent (a monocle would be a nice touch, too).
4. Explain that you're not really a teacher, but an Army Recruiter and you'd like to discuss career possibilities for their child.
3. Say, "Strange, I keep receiving inquiries about the two of you from Youth Services. Any idea why?"
2. "I'd love to talk about your son/daughter. But first, how about a kiss?"
1. Conduct all conferences in your underwear

To The Teachers...

Teachers take a lot of crap and don't get paid much. Here's to them

What Water?

Leroy sent me the following picture. Apparently there's some concern that recent flooding could cause some serious problems in Ireland. Having lived there for a while, I'm certain that it would take more than water to disrupt that way of life, and I think that this photo bears that out.

Delusions of Grandeur

Yesterday, Teemu sent me the following joke:

French President Jacques Chirac is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. "Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy O'Brien down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac,the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! Wehave modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from The Ram's Head have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat."I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighterplanes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over many pints and decided there is no fuckin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners atthis time."


I found it to be amusing, especially when coupled with an actual e-mail exchange between Dianna Abdala and her almost employer, William Korman I found on the web yesterday. Somehow their exchange got leaked to the web, and her little delusion of grandeur is almost as great as, and twice as funny as, Jacques Chirac's. Click Here to read the bitchy e-mails.

Goodbye Officer Fife

In all the excitement and hubbub of America's bronze medal in curling, I missed the fact that Don Knotts passed away on Friday.

We'll miss you, Barney.

The Idiot's Back And There's Gonna Be Trouble

Ok, there's a post about Fluffy X calling for a Holy War, then a week passes without any updates, and I only get 3 frickin' comments? Thanks for the concern, really. I mean, the Idiot Fambly could well have been being held hostage by our psychotic little tuna-breath terrorist, and there's nary a bit of concern shown by any of the four and a half readers per day who come see this drivel, sheesh!

Fortunately, it wasn't Fluffy that kept me away from the keyboard, or I'd be really mad at y'all. Instead, it was vacation. The Idiots packed up the VistaCruiser and took off on a ski trip. Mrs. Idiot, who is new to the world of Winter Recreation, had some choice words that she threatened to share with y'all, so I'll just report for the rest of us: it was a lot of fun to get back on the slopes.

When I wasn't skiing or walking around complaining about sore muscles as a result of skiing, I was watching the Olympics. I thought that NBC's week one coverage was good, but was very disappointed with their week two coverage. I mean, they spent a LOT of time covering the story of the relationship between American speed skaters Shani Davis and Chad Hedrick, but they spent almost no time covering the relationship between Chad Hedrick and Chad Hedrick's teeth. Have you seen these things?

Chad Hedrick- It's like whoever assembled this guy misread
the label and stuck "XL" teeth in a "M" face.

In other Olympic news, I was happy to see the U.S. Men's Curling team finally bring home a medal. The women were awful, but the Johnson sisters are cute as buttons so I'm ok with their performance. (I should note that in my curling preview I suggested that the women should try curling in the nude against Italy and Great Britain. Since then, Kicked Puppies has had at least 600 people come here after searching for "Cassie Johnson nude.")

Well, I had more Olympic thoughts, and a whole epic poem I'd written about last night's Villanova- University of Cincinnati game, but Mrs Idiot is breathing down my neck to get at the computer, Fluffy X wants to have a talk with me about our "vacation is a time to let the cats fend for themselves" philosophy, and I think that they might be showing curling highlights, so, for the last time in Torino- gotta go, curling's on.

Fluffy X Calls for Jihad

Idiotsville, NH (TP)- In a move that surprised no one, increasingly militant cat Fluffy X has today called for a jihad or holy war against a long list of his own personal enemies, Assembling the press to his Idiotsville, NH home, Fluffy X harangued the reporters for nearly forty five minutes of vitriolic tirade, culminating in his request that “all my Muslim brothers and sisters unite to rid the world of these scourges”

Included in his list of “scourges” are Buttercup, the family dog and his own brother Toby, who has refused to go along Fluffy X’s plans to become a family of militant Muslims. Sources who have been following Mr. Fluffy’s conversion to Islam say that it’s not a surprise that he included Buttercup and Toby on the list. There were, however, quite a number of items of interest upon which Fluffy X has declared his Holy War.

To wit:
-Heathcliff- Fluffy X expounded for several minutes on this cartoon cat’s inherent inferiority to Garfield, who Fluffy kept referring to as “The Second Prophet.” Said Fluffy X, “It is time for the pretender to bathe in the blood of his own entrails, to taste the steel of Tjaden’s Holy Can Opener, to choke on UntaVishnu’s Blessed Hairball and suffer like the Pretender he is.”
-U.S. Secretary of Defense Miles Hutchinson- This caused great confusion and consternation among the members of the press corps until someone noted that Hutchinson is the Secretary of Defense on The West Wing.
-Whoever the $#&? Locked Me Out Last Night- The greatest barrage of venom in Fluffy’s speech was reserved for this person, who, in Fluffy X’s words “Heartlessly and unscrupulously shut me out in the cold for the entire night when I had made it perfectly clear that I was only going outside for a minute to move my bowels.”
-Leo, the Neighbor’s Cat- A source who would only allow herself to be identified as “The Younger” went on the record as snickering when Fluffy X announced his Holy War on Leo. “Leo totally kicked Fluffy’s ass last week, and the week before, and really every time Fluffy leaves the house. That’s why we can’t get him to go out much and he tries to pee in the houseplants,” said The Younger. “Now he gets really mad if you leave him outside for very long.”

There were many other additions to the list, but the Idiot Family had by then recovered enough from their surprise at the sudden invasion by an army of reporters and had put out a commendable spread of snacks, finger sandwiches and drinks, and much of the rest of Fluffy’s list was probably lost, as after expanding his holy war to include the U.S. Women’s Curling Team for their horrible performance at the games, he appeared to be working without notes.

Beers #37-51

Here we go on my further adventures to drink a million varieties of beer.

#37- Red Stripe- This one gets a ginormous picture because of the cool "Hooray Beer" commercials, because I drank so much of it over Christmas in Jamaica, and because I happen to have this great picture of a Red Stripe I drank on Doctor's Cave Beach. Red Strip may not be a great beer, but its high alcohol content, happy stubby little bottle and rasta vibe will always make it a favorite in my book.

#38. Red Stripe Light- Also gets a humungous picture because I don't think that Red Stripe light is available in the US, so I thought some of my readers might want a look at the bottle. The real reason is that I uploaded it before I remembered to resize it, and I'm far too lazy to go back and resize it now. I'm pretty sure that they make Red Stripe Light by adding a lot of water to normal Red Stripe, because that's what it tastes like and because the idea fits so well with the "no problem mon, everting irie" philosophy of the island. It tastes a lot like Corona, which is not a good thing in my book. (It's also a much lower alcohol content than regular Red Stripe).

#39. Archer's Ale from Sherwood Forest Brewery. This is a local Massachusetts beer that I had at Connolly's Pub. It was quite good and I'd probably order it again, which given the variety of beers out there, says a lot. I had it as a draught beer, apparently it comes in a can too.

#40. Olde Buzzard Lager from Buzzards Bay Brewing. Another local beer. I really enjoyed this one and would defintely order it again given the opportunity. They apparently brew a number of different styles and seasonals, so I hope to try others by them as their draught lager was very good.

#41. Samuel Smith Oatmeal Stout- A world class beer that was originally brewed as a good way to provide iron and nutritional enrichment for lactating mothers. (I'm not making that up, go to their website. This is one of the world's great stouts.

#42. S'muttonator Doppelbock from Smuttynose- Having had a bad experience with the Smuttynose Scotch Ale and their IPA, I was hesitant to say the least. In the store, I held it up to the light and looked as best I could for the floaties and glop that I'd experienced with the aforementioned beers. (Yes, I've given up all hope of trying to look cool in public. Have you ever tried to look through a doppelbock in grocery store lighting? I'm pretty sure that old ladies looked at me and said "aww, that poor man"). Anyhow, the S'muttonator was good. It's one of their "big beer" series, and it really is a big beer (and it also comes in a big bottle). I recommend it if you're a fan of big dark beers.

#43. Number 9 from Magic Hat Brewery- The label said that this was a flavored pale ale, or almost pale ale, or some sort of jibberish like that. I was impressed with the way it poured, as it has a very nice head. (Ok, my beer geekiness is starting to frighten me). My first sip made me think that they'd completely messed up a pale ale, because it has that coppery taste that some beers get. Mrs. Idiot liked it, so I took another sip and realized that the "flavored" part is something fruity like apricot, not pennies. Now that I know to expect apricot from this beer, I might like subsequent bottles, but without the warning, it had all the markings of a bad beer.


#44. Yellow Snow Ale- This beer is fantastic. A pale ale with a slight hint of some berry (the label tells me it's juniper). I had a few Rogue Beers fifteen years ago or so, and wasn't impressed enough to seek out more. This beer, however, makes me want to go see what other flavors my local store has right this minute.

#45- Samuel Smith's Winter Welcome Ale 2005-6- Heavy and warming, malty and high in alcohol. This is a beer I like in small doses. The big bottle lends itself to sharing, but Mrs. Idiot is not a fan.

#46. St. Gootz (or something like that, the label is hard to read) from Magic Hat Brewery- There's something wrong with this beer. It's a very heavy very dark beer that tastes like a carbonated stout or something. It's extremely possible that the people at Magic Hat are just too sophisticated for my tastes, because at this point I've had two of their beers and didn't really "get" either of them.

#47- Fat Angel from Magic Hat Brewery- I was halfway through this before I even realized it was from Magic Hat (Yes, the beer fridge reached a fullness emergency last week and my relatives and I did our best to empty it in a hurry last weekend). This seems like a perfectly normal ale (I think it's an ale, the bottle went to recycling today). (Hey, I just said I'd drink a million, not render accurate reviews).

#48. Samuel Smith's Organic Lager- Fair to middlin', brewed with organic materials.

#49. Samuel Smith's Nutbrown- This is a great beer AND you get to say "NutBrown"

#50. Magic Hat's Batch 372- Dark, malty but not heavy. Not a bad beer.

#51. Rogue Chocolate Beer- I can't remember if this is called "Chocolate Stout" or what, so I'll just call it chocolate beer. It's bitter, I was expecting a sweet brew like the Sam Adams Chocolate, but this is definitely bitter. Once you get past that initial shock, it's good stuff.

Sensory Overlord.

Last night Mrs Idiot and I were totally overwhelmed with the TV choices.
First, there was all the drama and pageantry of the Olympics.



Here's a picture of the medal winning snowboarders. The one in the middle is Shaun White, aka "The Flying Tomato".
Not pictured is Finnish Snowboarder Antti Autti, who didn't win a medal but who won my award for snowboarder with the coolest name.

The men's halfpipe wasn't on last night, it was the night before, but I thought I'd post a picture of the redheaded snowboarder just because so many of you have expressed an interest in blotting out the legacy of Danny Bonaduce.

Anyhoo, last night #1 ranked UConn played #4 ranked Villanova, so we had to watch that. (And were rewarded with a great game and a Villanova upset). For those of you who haven't followed college hoops this year, Villanova is a great story; they don't have any "big" players, so they play four guards and run like crazy. They're fun to watch.

Then there was the Westminster Dog Show, some of the best TV around.

Yes. Inside this hair there's a dog. I think it's a Pekingese that came in second in its group last night.
Tonight we get the sporting dogs, hounds, and herders.




So I look forward to tonight's airing of the Westminster Dog Show because I go more for the bigger dogs, like this Mastiff, who has probably shat out things bigger than the Pekingnese.

I also look forward to the Olympics, as I'm boiling over with Olympic Fever. Infact, gotta go, Curling's on.







Oh yeah, and Happy Valentine's Day too.