The Christmas Break

This was the year we had to level with the younger one as to truth about Santa. Seeing that she's about to enter middle school, we figured we were running the risk of having her get beat up if we sent her to school much longer not knowing the whole deal. Plus, running any sort of scam this long takes a toll and frankly, the Idiots are tired.
Mrs. Village Idiot sat the child down and had the talk and, all things considered, they both survived the ordeal quite well. The younger one's best friend had been trying to clue her in, so it didn't come out of the clear blue sky, and Mrs. Idiot has been preparing for (and dreading) a Santa-free house for at least a couple of years.

From "the talk", we learned that our Easter Bunny was never really believable. I believe that this is probably less a testament to our deception skills than a defense mechanism by our children; they were both terrified by Chuck E. Cheese and still get nervous whenever they're approached by the giant furry team mascots at sporting events, so the idea of a humungous rabbit breaking and entering with baskets of eggs was probably too terrifying for them and they immediately dismissed it as more weird jibberish from the parental channel. On a brighter front, she had totally bought the Tooth Fairy, and we actually thought we'd have to provide evidence to prove it.
"Yeah, right Mom," said the girl sarcastically, "What happened to all our baby teeth? You got 'em in a drawer upstairs?" This was said with all the sneering certainty that only little kids can get away with.
(big pause while child thinks)
Child thinks, family sees lightbulb come on over child's head, child cracks enormous grin.
Child says "You have our baby teeth in some drawer upstairs, don't you."
Parents realize they have yet another precious story with which to embarrass child.

When it was all over, they split a pint of Ben and Jerry's Phish Food and the world was good again.

So, that got me thinking. The thing I miss most about the Christmasses of my youth isn't Santa, it's vacation. Remember how in school you always got at least a week and a half off? I spent many many days in my youth looking forward to vacation. Counting down the days, dragging through that last week until we were free! Free! FREE!! Then, even better, college gave us a month off! Why can't we do that in the business world too?

Here's a new plank for my campaign for king platform- a two week holiday break in December for everyone. I know we'll need emergency people and store employees and lots of help desk people to answer phones when the new holiday gadgets don't work, but really, I think the world will be a better place if we all take a little more time off. Double Pay for the people that have to work during the break, and give everyone else the last two weeks of December off. We have plenty of plastic pipe, lawn ornaments, and GMC trucks - close those factories! God knows we get enough lawyering and business smoozing done, close the firms and lock the doors, everyone has to go home and chill out.

So that you see I'm a fellow who practices what he preaches, I'm starting my break plan right now. I'm taking the rest of December off. No working, no blogging- just pure sloth.
That's right, you heard me, I'm shutting down Kicked Puppies for the rest of the month and sending the staff home to their families. They've worked hard bringing the news to the people, now they can finally relax.

Fear not, I'll be back in the New Year with a fresh new start and the same old idiocy. Until then, take a break; tell your boss that the Village Idiot says you need time off for Festivus. (If that doesn't work, just start crying uncontrollably about the fact that someone stole your strawberries, that's how I got the time off).

2005 has been fun, and a lot of that fun for us here in the Idiot Household has been as a result of our meager attempts to make y'all laugh. We've enjoyed the creation, production and constant evolution of this blog, but we've especially enjoyed your feedback. (There's nothing better than getting a call from an old friend telling me I made them shoot Coca-Cola out their nose with a fart joke). Thank you all for the kind words, they really do mean a lot. It's been fun, and I look forward to more of it next year.

Happy Holidays all, may they be fun, safe, restful and a little wacky. May your 2006 be your best year yet, and may you come back and read my jibberish when I fire the typewriter up again on Jan. 1.

For now, though, skedaddle, there's nothing more to see here. Go read an old post, or better yet, hug someone you care about.

HNT- Showin' off my Tupac

Here's the latest in my parade of tattoos. I got this one as an homage to the late Tupac Shakur, because I figured that that would impress my homegirl Pink, who really turned out to be Lil Kim, who has nothing to to with Inked, which is nothing like Punk'd. So, in a nutshell, I'm an idiot and have a cool new Thug Life tat. If you want the whole story behind my tattooing, click here.






Interested in Half Nekkid Thursday?
Click for the scoop:

What's next? The Annoying Porcupine?

The news story about the penguin missing from a zoo in the U.K. is certainly sad, but on the bright side it introduced me to my new favorite species:

Ladies and Gents, allow me to introduce Spheniscus demersus, more commonly known as the Jackass Penguin. I know, I know, you think I'm making up the name, but no. Go here and learn. It's as if a previous incarnation of the Village Idiot had thunk up the name.

As an homage to my new favorite bird, I offer up the following joke, one of the world's greatest dumb jokes, and one of the few good jokes about penguins. To make it even better, I offer it to you as told by talking chimps. Really, how much better could this blog be? Click here for the Penguin Joke, and have your speakers on.

On an interesting side note, I first saw the video above at work. A colleague gave me a disc full of company pictures for a project I was working on, but in fact, it only said it was a disc of company pictures. Instead were videos entitled Farting Preacher 3, BarMonkey, and HardJeopardy. He'd burned the disc to take home and accidently passed it on to me. There's a lesson there somewhere I'm sure, but for now, enjoy a good laugh. I sure did, for a couple of different reasons, when he gave me that disc.

To Dream the Griswoldian Dream

I was kind of sad to hear that the congress busted George Bush's attempts to use our super-cool spy network on our own people, because I'm pretty sure that if the program had gone on long enough, we would finally learn the secret location of the Keebler Elves, and thus learn how they make those E.L. Fudge cookies so friggin' good.

Well, I guess that's a dream that will go unrealized, but in the meantime, I've been out spying on Christmas lights
You've probably already seen this since it's been making the rounds in email. If not, you're in for a treat. Here are a couple of examples of the most incredible Christmas lights you'll ever seen on a home, and it's set to music, so be sure to have the speakers on.

Lights Display #1

Lights Display #2

Clark Griswold would be proud.

Christmas at Burger King

The Burger King Christmas Carol

You'll want speakers for this.

A Million Beers- #23-36

Here we go further on my quest to drink a million different beers.

First, the beers for which there is no photographic evidence:

#23. Homebrew Porter- a porter brewed by a friend that he dubbed Father James, since the process of brewing it was so complicated he had to send up many prayers and invoke the names of quite a number of saints. The prayers worked as it was an awesome batch of beer.

#24. Bud Light (in a can)- My nephew invited me to watch the then #1 ranked UNH Wildcat football team play the University of Northern Iowa in the playoffs. At the pregame tailgate I had a couple of cans of Bud Light. Keep in mind that with the wind chill it was like three degrees above zero outside, and the game started at 11:00am. Nothing will make you feel old like standing around with college kids who are actually excited to drink cans of Bud Light before noon in the frigid temps. UNH lost in an upset, and I got chapped lips, but it was all good fun.

#25- Budweiser- Ah, the King of Beers. I took that same nephew to see Dave Matthews last week, and I let the lad buy me a beer in return. I ordered a "Bud" which he referred to as a "Diesel." I don't know why.

#26- Budweiser Select- This was also at the DMB show, though this was the show in Boston. The lounge had aluminum bottles of the stuff, which I had never seen before and was pretty impressed with. As W pointed out, the aluminum bottle should really help in cutting back the injuries sustained in bar fights.

#27- Harpoon IPA- This was a draft beer from the Boston show. Yes, in fact, I did drink a lot that night. (We won't even mention the Jagermeister). In general I'm not a fan of Pale Ales, but Harpoon makes a good one that I'll happily drink.

#28- Sierra Nevada Pale Ale- One of my all-time favorite beers that appeared as if by magic as we were chatting after both the shows. Smooth and crisp and just the right amount of tart. Mmmm.

#29- Guinness- I haven't decided yet whether I'm going to count beers that are poured from a tap as separate from those that come in a bottle. For example, Sam Adams Boston Lager on tap would be "one", and Sam Adams Boston Lager from a bottle would be "two". True beer geeks would probably be ok with that, and it's really the only way I'll get anywhere near a million, but since that kind of major policy decision requires much thought, for now, I'm only going to count Guinness from a tap as a separate beer since it's truly the only way to drink Guinness. I had several jars of the stuff at bars 14-16.

#30- Guinness Draught- (in a bottle). Before the discovery of whatever that little plastic thing in the bottle does, there was no way to enjoy good Guinness except at the pub that serves it. (The draught cans were ok, these bottles are better). They truly are brilliant, because this is the best beer in the world, by far. If only the bottles were a bit bigger. (I think they only hold like 10 oz. of beer and they're pretty pricey).




#31 Sam Adams Winter Lager- a darkish beer with some spices, maybe cinamon or something. Very nice for cold weather. I'll definitely be taking this to tailgating next year instead of mooching Bud Lights.







#32-Samichlaus Bier- This is the heaviest lager in the world, and one of the heaviest beers. It's brewed one day a year (Dec. 6, St. Nick's Day (Samichlaus means Santa Claus in Swiss-German) and then "lagers" or ferments for a whole year before they bottle it. This particular bottle was bottled in 1996, which, yes, means it was brewed in December of 1995. It has been in my refrigerator even since.(I know, I know, I need to clean the fridge more often). I finally popped it open and drank a good portion of it (from a shot glass) before I lost interest in it. It's extremely thick and very high in alcohol, more like a port wine or liquor than a beer, but not as sweet.

#33- Samichlaus Bier- This one was brewed in 1996 and bottled in 1997. This one wasn't refrigerated all that time like the other one was, and seemed a little less smooth than its friend. It might have been my imagination, as I was pretty nervous as to what I would find in bottles of beer that have been sitting around for ten years.





#34 Sam Adams Holiday Porter- (yes, I bought one of their winter sampler packs, can you tell?). I'm a big fan of porters and this is a good one. It's very malty but still reasonably light. To the credit of my friend's porter mentioned above, I actually liked the Father James better than the Sam Adams.







#35- Sam Adams Cranberry Lambic- I'm a big fan of lambic style beers and this is a pretty good one. It's tart but not as tart as some of the Belgian lambics. It's a bit on the wild side for an American beer, but not so wild that Americans wouldn't want to drink it. The Boston Beer Company is good at knowing their audience.





#36 -Sam Adams Old Fezziwig- Very heavily spiced, heavy beer. Great for cold nights and its sweetness is like a christmas cookie or something. Great beer for the holidays and a great beer for winter hot tubbing.

The Sweet Science

A few weeks ago I expressed my displeasure at the scientific community for spending time analyzing the physics of cow tipping instead of making my life more like George Jetson's. I see that they've chosen to thumb their noses at me.

Cure for cow flatulence cooked up by scientists

Thu Dec 16, 7:52 AM ET
LONDON (Reuters) - Cows belching and breaking wind cause methane pollution but scientists say they have developed a diet to make pastures smell like roses -- almost. "In some experiments we get a 70 percent decrease (in methane emissions), which is quite staggering," biochemist John Wallace told Reuters in a telephone interview.
Wallace, leader of the microbial biochemistry group at the Rowett Research Institute in Aberdeen, said the secret to sweeter-smelling cows is a food additive based on fumaric acid, a naturally occurring chemical essential to respiration of animal and vegetable tissues.
A 12-month commercial and scientific evaluation of the additive has just begun, but he said if it proves successful it could be a boon to cutting down on greehouse gas emissions.
"In total around 14 percent of global methane comes from the guts of farm animals. It is worth doing something about," Wallace said. Other big sources of methane are landfills, coalmines, rice paddies and bogs.
Scientists in Australia and New Zealand have also been working to develop similar products amid growing concern about greenhouse gas emissions from cattle and sheep.
In New Zealand the government in 2003 proposed a flatulence tax, with methane emitted by farm animals responsible for more than half the country's greenhouse gases. The plan was ultimately withdrawn after widespread protests.
"We've had more success than they (scientists in Australia and New Zealand) have. Everyone has been trying different methods. We just got lucky," Wallace said.

I Need a Name

Earth is an awesome place for people who like to laugh. Maybe we should start sending that out into deep space and attract aliens looking for a chuckle. And yes, I expect they'll be laughing at us, not with us.

Here's yet another fine example:

India's high-tech hub Bangalore to be renamed 'town of boiled beans'
BANGALORE, India (AFP) - India's high-tech capital Bangalore, known worldwide as an outsourcing hub, will change name to reflect the local language and become "the town of boiled beans", the state chief minister said.
Bangalore, according to state historians, got its name from Bendakalooru (the town of boiled beans) after a king strayed into the area during a hunting trip in the late 14th century.
A woman offered him a meal of boiled beans which the king enjoyed so much that he named the town after the dish. Bengaluru is a transliteration of the original spelling, according to state historians.

And another:
Town votes to rename itself Secretsanta.com
SALMON, Idaho (Reuters) - Officials in the northern Idaho town of Santa, Idaho, on Monday voted to rename the 115-person hamlet Secretsanta.com to hype an online gift exchange management service. Last-minute legal wrangling left unclear whether the water board for Santa, the town's only official body, had the authority to approve a new moniker. Even so, the board voted in favor of becoming Secretsanta.com in exchange for an undisclosed sum from a planned documentary on the name change.

Now, all that name changing got me thinking. I've already mentioned on these pages that Native American words that were adopted by settlers as place names have amused me greatly. As examples, I offer up Winnacunnet High School, the town of Mooselookmeguntic, and the Nonesuch River.
Now, without further ado, the staff here at Kicked Puppies will give you the top ten list of the best place names in the world.

10. Boiled Beans, India
9. George, Washington
8. Oh, Canada
7. PlacewhereItookthathugedump, Oklahoma
6. Secret Santa.com, Idaho
5. Secret Satan.org, Idaho
4. Armpittsfield, Massachusetts
3. Loserville, Kentucky
2. PlacewhereJoetookthathugedump, Colorado
1. ToriSpelling, California

Don't It Make You Wanna Stay?

Last night I attended the last show of the Dave Matthews Band's mini winter tour in Boston. Mrs. Idiot again opted to sit this one out so the relative previously known on this blog as W was kind enough to accompany me.

I say "kind enough" because it was, as are all Idiot adventures, a night that had some bumps along the way. After the show, we hung around in the lounge and then hung around backstage so I could chat with my chum. Eventually, we started out toward the parking garage, but found that we'd been hanging around so long that most of the exit doors were locked. For what seemed like a very long time we wandered around the empty TD Banknorth Garden trying to find our way out. I was ready to hunker down, build a small cooking fire for warmth, and wait until morning when someone would surely rescue us, but eventually W found our way to the car and made our way north, but it was very late by the time we rolled back into New Hampshire. (Hopefully W was able to take advantage of today's snow storm and not go to work).

The show was a good one with some awesome gems like Dancing Nancies and Seek Up mixed in with some new stuff. It was also cool to hear the new song Old Dirt Hill. I look forward to seeing how that song will evolve in concerts down the road. For the encore of Ants Marching, Dave wore a Santa hat and a pair of giant goofy sunglasses that people had thrown up on stage.

As always, thanks to my bud for the tickets and the passes, and thanks to W for the driving and the company, and thanks to Mother Nature for the snowstorm, so I didn't have to drag my old, tired and headachy self into work this morning.

Thursday Dec 15 2005
TD Banknorth Garden

Pantala Naga Pampa
Rapunzel *
Hunger For The Great Light *
Crash Into Me
Recently *
Everybody Wake Up *
Grey Street *
Seek Up
Pig
American Baby Intro *
Dancing Nancies *
Old Dirt Hill *
Louisiana Bayou *
Stand Up *
Where Are You Going
Stay *
__________________

Christmas Song
Ants Marching


* featuring Rashawn Ross on trumpet

HNT- Half Nekkid Kissinger

Here's a second tattoo in my tattoo parade. This one is of course former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger.
"Why?" you ask.
"Why Not!" says I.
Besides, I figured that having a foreign relations and intellectual whiz like Hank K. on my shoulder would boost my street credAND my campaign for king of the world.

















Interested in Half Nekkid Thursday?
Click for the scoop: