2004 was the first Presidential election in which The Village Idiot would have been old enough to be President. I toyed with the idea of running, then passed out.
A couple of weeks ago I published a post about how I would change the world of basketball if I were king. It got me thinking. After two weeks of occasional mulling, which is, I might add, a lot more mulling than I've heretofore done on any topic, I've decided to throw my hat into the ring and run for the position of King of the World.
I know that there isn't any such position currently. It is my goal to slowly elucidate the many reasons that I would make a fantastic King of the World that by popular acclamation I will be swept up on the collective arms of the nations of the world and given the title King. Or, possibly, someone will take pity on me and give me a free sleeve of golf balls or something. Either way, I'm better off than I was before my campaign, and I certainly couldn't screw up the world any more than it's currently screwed up.
So, firstly, I'll begin my campaign with a few reasons I'd make a good king.
1. I'm not very bright.
Intelligent people always out-think themselves. This will not be a problem with me.
2. The job will not cause me undue stress or worry.
If you look at the pictures of Lincoln before and after the war, it's like he'd, well, been through a war. Other presidents and leaders have come out of their leadership stint looking old and haggard. I don't care enough to let that happen to me.
The Village Idiot, as shown in this artist's
rendering, will barely notice he's king
3. I'll give the people what they want.
Unless they want something silly or mean or overly expensive.
4. I'm not afraid to make mistakes.
I've made a ton of them in my time, and usually they make for pretty amusing stories later on. As King, I'll probably make a bunch of horrendously stupid gaffes and blunders that will wreak havoc on all kinds of things. Still, I won't be afraid to make them, which must count for something.
5. I don't really need, or even want, the job.
I like my current job, and I've never really been motivated by money or status. I think I could be king and still continue my current job, though I might need a few extra personal days, which shouldn't be a problem since I'd be king of the world and all. As long as kinging doesn't get in the way of my goal of winning ten consecutive Superbowls on Madden, I think it will all be good.
6. My dog likes me.
Most of the time.
Well, gotta run. The future queen just returned to the Chez with Chinese food.
See, I'm multi-cultural in my everyday dealings already, I'll be perfect as King.