Sunday, March 20, 2005

If I were king, basketball edition

I watched a lot of basketball this weekend, with some more yet to come, and I thought I'd take a break to jot down some thoughts I recently had as to how the world might be improved if I were king. As I've had basketball on the brain lately, I'll stick to the realm of basketball and related topics.

1. Bobby Knight- Every year he manages to screw up my brackets. Either his team goes too far, or not far enough. This year, Texas Tech went too far. Fortunately for Mr. Knight, this year other teams (notably Bucknell for winning and Wake Forest for losing) have screwed up my pool entry far worse than his Red Raiders did. Thus, Knight, who was going to be recommended for annual public spanking, gets off the hook.

Instead, we need to bring out that punk kid from Indiana that started the mess that got Knight fired and spank him. While we're at it, let's get the American kid who was supposed to get caned in Singapore all those years ago and whip the hell out of his whiny ass too*.

Bob dreams of new ways to screw up my brackets for March Madness '06.

2. Commercials- This is really a holdover from the Playoffs and World Series. Whenever there's a sporting event that takes multiple days to finish, it should be law that the same commercial can't be shown more than once during a game. If it's March Madness, with games going all day, commercials can't be shown more than twice during that viewing day on that channel.

Some thoughts on the commercials currently in heavy rotation:
-The "No Hassle Rewards" ads with David Spade. They are funny once, sometimes. Certainly they are never funny more than once, and I'm only giving him credit for them being funny because he made fun of them on Saturday Night Live last week.
-The fat guy (who is also in one of the No Hassle Rewards ads) who rents a luxury car to get to the class of '94 reunion should be killed soon after winking into the mirror. Really, a ninja should suddenly drop into the picture, silently strangle the guy and skulk away. I'd rent cars from that company for the rest of my life just in thanks for ridding us of that guy's fat ass. As it is, I can't even remember which rent-a-car it is.
-The commercial for the Pontiac G6 where the woman peels out of the driveway for work? It bugs the crap out of me because of the lady's pointy shoes. It looks like she's headed for a convention of elves. (that same commercial bugs the crap out of my wife because apparently the lady has some horrendously expensive purse and is driving a piece of crap like a G6).

3. Luke Walton, and all subsequent Waltons, would not be allowed to be Lakers. I hate to see the son of Bill Walton jeopardize his soul by playing for them.

4. Gonzaga's Adam Morrison would be required to show that he can play at least one Led Zeppelin song on guitar (excluding Stairway to Heaven) before being allowed to sport that Jimmy Page haircut. Utah's Andrew Bogut would be required to show proof that he has recently washed his hair.

5. Wake Forest's Chris Paul was recently suspended for a game for punching an opponent in the groin. I'm a groin owner, and as such am offended greatly on behalf of male groin owners everywhere. Combine that with his sloppy play in the loss to West Virginia, which cost me dearly in the pool, and I think we've found this year's guy who's taking Knight's place at the spanking post.

*[For readers not up on the obscure bits of trivia, the author has subscibed to an editing service to fill in details. This particular reference is to Michael Fay, an American teen who was to be caned in Singapore after having been caught vandalizing cars. Mr. Fay and his family made such noise over the sentence that it because international news and the sentence was lessened].

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