More Farting Around

Now, don't get the wrong idea here, folks.

Kicked Puppies is not going to suddently become Fart Joke Central, (though many readers suggest it would be a far better place if it did). We'll still bring you all the important groundbreaking stories and journalistic excellence you've come to expect, but first we're going to post another flatulent piece of literature because I just found this old advertisement on the web and think it's the coolest thing since sliced cheese.

When I was a youth, we had beans as our sure-fire fart fuel. It seems that a hundred years ago, in the golden age of California Fig Bitters, they had a special medicine designed to bring out the... uh... best in us. How cool is that?!

I tend to think of the "Olden Days" as generally sucky and boring, but now that I know about the fig bitters, I'll bet it was a serious hoot to sneak a snort or two of the stuff into Grampa's coffee and watch him blow the roof off the ol' covered wagon.

Imagine that the mighty Sioux are lurking in the darkness, poised to attack the wagon train, but have to call off the attack when they get to giggling because Ma Kettle went a little heavy on the fig bitters and ripped a huge one in the general direction of Little Fat Dog, who is now gagging behind his rock.

Perhaps the famous "shot heard round the world" was actually an especially impressive blast fired from someone's rear, or, as is more likely, was a shot fired at the party who "dealt it" by the poor bastards around him that "smelt it." (I'm pretty sure that if the guys had been armed and had known who dealt that gawdawful smell at the bar they would have shot me on the spot. It was that bad).

The mind boggles at the possible historical influence that our beloved fig bitters might have had, which is probably why I haven't seen them advertised lately. There's some zen thing about a butterfly flapping its wings in Egypt causing a snowstorm in New Zealand, but the real question is what happens when The Village Idiot gets his hands on the recipe for California Fig Bitters....