Bandit or Scurvy?

Here's an informal poll.

The dog pictured above was named "Bandit" by its owner.
The owner's significant other was puching for "Scurvy".

What do the readers think?

Garr, Another Mai-Tai, Ye Scurvy Dog

Did you see this story?

MIAMI - Pirates fired a rocket-propelled grenade and machine guns Saturday in an attack on a luxury cruise liner off the east African coast, the vessel's owners said.



Idiot artists rendering of what that looked like.
Idiots don't get out much.

Can you imagine it? Pirates on a real cruise? Cruises are like the cheesiest form of bottled entertainment ever, I think a little pirate action would liven things up considerably. "Avast ye naves, if'n I hear "Hot Hot Hot" one more time, I'll make ye walk the plank! And heed my word, ye mangy seadogs, if'n my grog be watery and cost more than two dubloons, it be Davy Jones' locker for ye."

Ok, here's the rest of the story:
Two armed boats approached the Seabourn Spirit about 100 miles off the coast of Somalia and fired as the boats' occupants attempted to get onboard, said Bruce Good, a spokesman for Miami-based Seabourn Cruise Line, a subsidiary of Carnival Corp.
The ship outran them and changed its course.

Outran them and changed course!? I hope it didn't upset the ping pong tournament on the lido deck, or the golf lesson on the promenade deck, or the limbo contest! For the love of God spare the limbo contest!!

Here's a great line:
"Our suspicion at this time is that the motive was theft," Good said, adding that the crew had been trained for "various scenarios, including people trying to get on the ship that you don't want on the ship."

You ain't kidding. They've kept me off several cruises. You see, I go to the art auctions just for the free champagne and at the buffets I always make a big mess and get the serving spoons mixed up. Those people are trained to spot troublemakers, so I'll bet they spotted the thugs with the rocketlaunchers from miles away.

Garrr.

One Million Beers: Beers 1-10

Here we go on my mission to drink One Million Beers. Because I expect this will be quite boring reading for most everyone on the planet, at least until I get up into the 600,000 range and have to drink beers with names like "Yellow Zombie Armpit Sweat," "Yak Piss" and "This Smells Infected," I will only update my beer adventures when I have several to list.

I need to find a store around here that sells beer by the bottle, rather than the six or twelve pack, otherwise I'm going to become very fat and/or very poor. I should note that I am lazy and not very good at describing stuff, so my reviews will be mercifully short. Should you want a good review, go ask Michael Jackson (the beer hunting Michael Jackson, not the boy hunting one).

Here we go, in the order I drank them.

1. Sam Adams Triple Bock- I bought three or four bottles of this like ten years ago and they've been waiting ever since. I popped one open my semi-monthly football gathering a few weeks ago, quite sure the contents would kill me since it sat so long. It didn't, but it was pretty foul. The second bottle was also pretty foul tasting. I don't know if Triple Bock is supposed to taste like burned maple syrup, or if it "turned" in '02. Because I've never met a Samuel Adams product I didn't like, I'm going to guess that this one went over to dark side all on its own. (I wish I had a better picture of the bottle, they're very sharp looking!)

2. Sam Adams Boston Lager - This is my default beer, that which I order if they have it but don't have Guinness It's a great beer, and we should all reverently thank the Boston Beer Company for introducing it and thereby starting the "microbrew" revolution.




3. Sam Adams Black Lager- This is my current favorite from the Sam Adams "brewmaster collection" It's not a heavy beer as one would expect from something so dark. It's not bitter, either, like the darker English beers. Very mellow and smooth, just like the Idiot gets after a few of them.




4. Blue Moon Pumpkin Ale- In honor of Halloween, I bought a six-pack of this (as well as a twelve pack of beer #5, see, I told you, fat and broke in 2006!). I was kinda sad to see that this is now brewed by Coors, because I think that the last time I had a Blue Moon product it was an independent brewery. Maybe I'm wrong. Anyhow, this is a good beer that they produce seasonally and does actually taste like pumpkins and pumpkin pie related spices, but it's a thinner slightly more bitter brew than I remember. I may buy more for future Halloweens, but it's not likely.


5. The Shipyard Pumpkinhead Ale This is a very good beer that I look forward to drinking in the fall. It's maltier and sweeter than the Blue Moon Pumpkin Ale, and actually tastes like pumpkin pie, as it's flavored with cinnamon and nutmeg. It's a wheat beer that is only produced in the fall and is definitely worth a try if it's available near you.



6. The Shipyard Blue Fin Stout- This is a surprisingly good stout. I say surprisingly because I've not found a lot of "microbrew" stouts that are good, and this one is. Because it's a stout, I poured it into a glass before swilling it to take a look, and it's a nice rich color. I'm not sure if I'd buy this again, since they're on the shelf next to Guinness, the best Irish stout in the world, but I'd certainly drink it again.



7. Corona- Once upon a time, Mrs Idiot and I went camping at the Verizon Wireless Center in Indiana. A band was playing two nights there, so we bought tickets to both nights, packed up the Idiotmobile, and rented a camping spot at the venue with all the other hippy people. Mrs. Idiot, in a rush to get going, poo-pooed my suggestion to stop and get beer on the way. "We'll get it in Indiana," she said. Well, it was Sunday, and Indiana doesn't sell bottles or cans of beer on Sunday. (I don't know if that's a state or county thing, but in any event, we were dry). After the show, back at the campsite, I managed to talk one of our camping neighbors into selling me a six pack of Coronas. I think that this bottle may have been left over from that trip, which was like three years ago. Yeah, in a nutshell, I'll drink Corona in a pinch.

8. Heineken- I read somewhere that it's light getting through the green bottle that causes the "green beers" to have that "skunky" taste, and so you need to get Heineken (and other beers in green bottles) before they've sat around a long time. Having chased beers around for a while, I've found it to be case that some bottles of Heineken are more "skunky" than others, so there is definitely something to that. Sadly for the companies that use green bottles, there are enough beers that come in brown bottles (which filter the harmful light) that I don't often bother searching for fresh Heinys.

9. The Shipyard IPA- I'm not a fan of India Pale Ales, (which is what IPA stands for), because they're so bitter. This one is not bad, but because it's an IPA I wouldn't have bought it. (I believe it was orphaned by a guest). Back in the sailing days I think they created these beers with a lot of hops and bitterness because they needed to keep while the ships traveled all the way from England to India, or something like that. They are refreshing on hot days, and like I said, this one is a pretty good one.

10. Sam Adams White Ale- This is a seasonal brew from the good people at Boston Beer. I'm a big fan of white ales, which are sweet and usually taste of spices like orange and coriander. It's an unfiltered wheat beer, so it looks cloudy and yucky but is actually delicious. If you've not tried a "White Beer" or "wit beer" do so!



There we are, only 999,990 to go!

Party in the Hole

Last spring, Mrs. Idiot and I went to see Government Mule at what some might call a "smaller venue" here in New Hampshire. I bought the tickets online, and ever since then I've been getting e-mail about new shows coming to the area.

At first I thought it was amusing to see all the acts that were coming to that particular venue. I mean, when was the last time you even thought about Huey Lewis or Winger, let alone thought about going to see them?

Eventually, the amusement factor wore down to the nub, and I clicked the link to unsubscribe. Cool, done deal, no more e-mail telling me about bands coming to the Seacoast. The next month, I got an e-mail telling me about all the shows coming to that venue as well as other similar venues. Yeah, ok, that kept my interest for a few issues, then I opted out.

Months have passed and I've gone through this same "unsubscribe" charade at least a half dozen times. I'll click "unsubscribe" to the People Playing Guitars around the Seacoast Newsletter and then boom, the next week I'm receiving the People Playing Bass Guitars and Other Instruments around New England newsletter. The information is all the same, it's just the scope that changes.

Today's installment of the Men (and some women) in Concert Around New England Newsletter, (I've recently unsubscribed), told me about concerts here in New Hampshire as well as in some of the other fine states in New England. The thing that caught my eye was that there's an arena in Rhode Island called The Dunkin Donuts Center.

I'm not making that up, here's the banner from their website:

Yes, it's true, they call themselves "The Dunk"

Now, I'm a big Dunkin Donuts fan. They can do no wrong in my eyes, (as long as they keep producing that coffee), but here's the thing: A "Donut Center" is actually a "Hole"

See?


For those of you who like circles and arrows:


The Center of a Dunkin Donut is a hole, thus, I think, the "Dunkin Donuts Center" is a poor name for a concert arena, unless you actually want people to think of it as "The Hole". It is certainly not "The Dunk."

Now, if it's a Jelly Donut, the center would be Jelly, which probably has terrible acoustics, so I wouldn't go see a concert at "The Jelly" either. The same with the "Cream Filled" be it Bavarian Creme or even Boston Creme.

In the end, I know it doesn't matter, but I have enough trouble talking Mrs Idiot into going to see shows at Dives, I'm pretty sure she won't go with me to a Hole. Meanwhile, if anyone wants to know about concerts coming to the Northeastern United States, I can check my e-mail and get that information to you.

Making My List, Checking It Twice

Yesterday being the first of the month, I had to turn in my list to the Mrs.

Since I was going to the trouble of typing it out, just like I always do, I thought I might as well also share it with the wonderful people to take the time to read my jibberish.

You see, many many years ago, before we were even married, Mrs. Idiot and I decided that we should keep a list of celebrities with whom we can run away "guilt free" should the opportunity ever present itself. This was close to twenty years ago, so she dutifully listed her hunks of the day* and promptly forgot all about it, because as you can well imagine, I am all the man she'll ever need.

I, on the other hand, dutifully turn in my list of celebrities every month, and have honed the laws and bi-laws, sub-paragraphs, codicils and riders of this deal into a small masterpiece of pseudo-law that would rival anything Congress has published. This is not because I'm unhappy in my marriage, but rather because I have a lot of free time and, like all men, use most of that free time to think of women with whom I'd like to run off.

So, with that said, here are my 5 celebrity picks for the month of November, 2005.


Pam Oliver. Ok, I know, this is actually a picture of Vanessa Williams. Because I was getting to be afraid people would think I'm a stalker if I mentioned ESPN NFL sideline reporter Suzy Kolber again, I went with FOX NFL sideline reporter Pam Oliver this month. Sadly, and to my great surprise, there aren't any good pictures of Pam Oliver out there on the web, so I figured I'd post a picture of Vanessa instead, who recently earned a spot in the Idiot Runaway Hall of Fame by virtue of having once made the Monthly Runaway List for forty-three straight months.

Anyone with a Jeannie Costume. Yeah, um, I think we can safely move on to the next celebrity with all the male readers in complete agreement and the female readers looking for another blog to read. Section 1 Paragraph 4 of the Runaway List bi-laws clearly states that the individual in question must be a celebrity, but I claim that this is a valid selection under Section 716a Paragraph 3 (Mrs. Idiot's famous "Dress Up Like Chewbacca" clause).



Sheryl Crow- Ms. Crowe was a lock to make the Runaway Hall of Fame until she took up with Lance Armstrong. I mean, she's totally gorgeous and she totally rocks, but I'm afraid that my "where's the damned remote" lifestyle might not be that appealing after dating a guy won the Tour de France seven times. Because of that, I'm also nominating a substitute for this month based on the Clone Clause (Sec. 53 Par. 8):


Juice Newton - She kinda rocks, right?







Gena Cooper of Mukwonago, Wisconsin. Ms. Cooper is the 2005 "Alice in Dairyland," Wisconsin’s agricultural ambassador. Let's face facts. I've been putting together this crappy list month after month for almost two decades, and I'm frankly losing faith that Tyra Banks, Jennifer Anniston or Gwen Stefani will be knocking on my door anytime soon. In fact, I think I may be aiming a little high to think I have a shot with Ms. Dairyland, who is, after all, "an important icon of Wisconsin agriculture"



And Finally:
Harold Reynolds- This guy is on every ESPN baseball show there is, including the Little League World Series (where 12 year olds regularly decide they'd rather get an extra half hour of sleep than get interviewed on the Deuce by H.R.). Since ESPN is almost always on here all summer long, it's like we've lost a member of the family now that he's gone wherever it is he goes in the offseason. I thought I'd add him to my November list just to see his smiley face and in hopes of hearing him talk about the Yankees not living up to their payroll and potential some more.

So there it is, my Runaway List for November. I'll let you know how it goes.

(*I believe the original Hunks were Corbin Bernsen, Tony Danza, Patrick Swayze and Urkel. I could be wrong).

[Editor's Note: Mrs. Village Idiot and her legal team received her usual "preview" copy of this posting and promptly stormed the control room, white with rage.
"First," said she, "Harold Reynolds is MINE."
"Second," she continued, "he TOTALLY made up the Chewbacca thing and
"Third," she said, "it was Harry Hamlin, not Corbin Bersen!"

ALL Saints Day

This is a busy week for me. As you know, being the Global Village Idiot, I try to observe as many faiths as I can. I was still recovering from all the fun of our annual Ramadan Party, then up snuck Halloween and then BAM!, the triple whammy of All Saints Day, Diwali, and Día de Muertos. Thank goodness that the holidays coming up, Id al-Fitr, All Souls Day, and the birthday of Guru Nauk Dev Sahib are all pretty mellow so I can get my heart rate back down!

So I was sitting in Catholic mass today for All Saints Day, enjoying the reprieve from all the ululating, wailing and keening I've been doing for Ramadan, when it hit me that the Catholic Church isn't doing a very good job of getting their Saints out into the mainstream.

I mean sure, we can all name a few of them, but once you get beyond the obvious ones: St. John, St. Peter, Hey Jude, Saint Paul (better known as Minneapolis), Susan Saint James, Mount Saint Helens, Saint Elsewhere and Archie Manning, most people are at a loss to name other Saints, and there are at least 10,000 of them.

I thought I'd get the word out about a couple of my favorite Saints as my small offering of service in honor of All Saints Day. (Which, as I understand it, is the reason we have a Halloween!)

Here we go:
Fiacre-Patron Saint of Gardeners, Paris Cab Drivers, box makers, hemmorhoids, venerial disease and florists.






Tebucky Jones- is actually an ex-Saint, now a Dolphin. Led the Saints in tackles last year. I have a replica of his old Patriot jersey because they go on sale right after the player gets traded.





Eligius of Noyon- Patron Saint of coin collectors, farriers, gas station workers, numismatics, jockeys, jewelers and knife makers.






Drogo- Patron Saint of unattractive people, hernias, ruptures, insanity, dumbness, and coffee house owners






So there you have it, another valuable cultural lesson from Kicked Puppies.

Halloween Pumpkin Fun

We got one of those "PumpkinMaster" kits to carve pumpkins with this year. Mrs. Idiot totally rocked with it, producing the cat you see here:

Pretty Cool, eh?
You'll be relieved to hear that though she didn't wear safety shoes or gloves for this project either, she emereged unscathed and her manicure still looks fabulous.

Naturally, being an Idiot, I had to try carving pumpkins the "PumpkinMaster Way."
Normally when I undertake a project, especially an artistic one, it results in something close to what they must have been thinking of when they coined the phrase "catastrophic system failure." This time, however, I started the project BEFORE I started drinking, which might account for why my pumpkin turned out well:

Here it is in daylight:

But even better, here it is at night:


Exactly! I can't believe an idiot did that either!

To top all of us, though, The Younger One and Her Chum got hold of the pumkin kit and decided to "freestyle" their pumpkin. We're not exactly sure what this is supposed to be;

But, at night, it certainly does look kinda cool!


Our town did Halloween on the 30th, and not counting The Younger One and Her Chum, who came back several times because we were giving out Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, we had only five Trick or Treaters this year. Next year I'm thinking block party...

Lumber Jill

Mrs. Idiot is not exactly what we'd call "Outdoorsy".
In fact, much of our life here in New Hampshire reads like something right out of Green Acres.
You know:


"Fresh Air!" "Times Square!"

We finally got a beautiful day here in the Granite State, and I took advantage of it to get outside and get some wood cut, split and stacked. You can imagine how thrilled I was when my wife came out to help!

Then I saw Lumber Jill's outfit:

Note the footgear. Anyone who's willing work around chainsaws and splitting mauls wearing sandals has to be one baaaad mutha. (shut yo mouth!) Between the sandals and the velour track suit, it was like J-Lo had come out to work the woodpile.



Note also the perfect manicure:


Maintaining the integrity of the perfect manicure slowed the stacking process considerably, but, in the end, much wood was stacked and Mrs. Idiot's nails remained in their original spectacular condition.






Though she still gets allergic smelling hay, Mrs. Idiot is getting to be pretty good at life out of the 'burbs.

Speaking of Drinking...

A loyal reader and friend whom we'll call Janice sent this video link, and reported that she once witnessed a bout of drinking that was similarly en fuego.

Drinking with Flaming Shots

We may all be idiots, perhaps Darwin got it backwards.

One Million Beers

Way back on Wednesday, June 01, 2005, I discovered the 1000 Bars Guy. He is a guy who decided to try and visit 1000 bars in a year. He immediately became a hero of mine. I jokingly said at the time that I should try and accomplish something similar, but on a scale an idiot with no social life can handle. Thus, I set out to visit 100 bars. No time limit, no pressure, just visit 100 bars.

On June 1, the 1000 bar guy was on #530. I was on #0
On October 28, the 1000 bar guy hit #902. I was holding steady at #13.
He visited 372 bars in the time I visited 13.
Yeah, needless to say, the heckling from my friends has reached new heights.

So, because I am shallow and easily swayed by the opinions of others, I'm going to take on another challenge designed to totally shut my chums the hell up.
I hereby pledge to try and drink (insert Dr. Evil Voice here)

one million beers.

As with my fabulous 100 bar challenge, there's no time limit, but this task is far more difficult, because I aim to drink 1,000,000 different beers. I might drink five bottles of Sam Adams Light, but that only counts as one beer.

I know that there are lots of people out there who are keeping track of various things on their blogs, like the guy who drinks a bottle of hot sauce a day, the office snackers, and my personal favorite Please Steve, Don't Eat it! which is part of a blog called The Sneeze.
Knowing that these fine people have not only legitimized online food and drink lists, they've tirned it into an artform, I will hopefully be able to keep track of my million beers, my hundred bars, my campaign for king and all the other crap I post here. This should be interesting.

The clock just hit noon, so I can go get started.

(Yet another really bad idea brought to you by the Village Idiot).