Thursday, May 12, 2005

The Campaign Express Derailed Again

Just as I sat down to scribble the next platform plank of my campaign to be king of the world, the following news stories fluttered down from the interweb. Being of small mind and short attention span, I had to follow these bright shiny objects of knowledge. I'll get to the platform someday, I promise.

Mars Rover Struggles to Escape Sand Dune
I once had this same problem on Spring Break. The Rover needs to realize he's stuck and just hunker down until the alcohol wears off. Panic and more alcohol will not help, believe me, I tried both. I sent a jaunty e-mail with the story of my sand dune stickage experience to NASA, and then went ahead and read the news story. This part caught my eye.
LOS ANGELES - The Mars rover Opportunity is facing its biggest challenge since it landed on the Red Planet last year: how to get out of a sand dune where it's been stuck for two weeks.
Now that's my kind of Rover! Party on, dude!

More from the world of science:
Scientists Create Self-Replicating Robot
Oh, this can't be good

Scientists at the Cornell University in Ithaca, New York have created small robots that can build copies of themselves."Although the machines we have created are still simple compared with biological self-reproduction, they demonstrate that mechanical self-reproduction is possible and not unique to biology," Hod Lipson said in a report in the science journal Nature on Wednesday.

Ok, I'm pretty sure this will lead to Will Smith having to save the world. I can't believe that anyone would vest someone named Hod with that much potential power.

Here's what congress has on its plate:
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A life-like prosthetic penis called the Whizzinator and other products promising to help illegal drug users pass urine tests provoked U.S. lawmakers on Wednesday to take legal action with subpoenas of manufacturers.

I hope this is televised, I want to hear members of congress use the word "whizzinator". Yesterday's news had a story about Minnesota Vikings RB Onterrio Smith being stopped at the Twin Cities airport with the Whizzinator. According to Sports Illustrated:
A search of a bag Smith was carrying April 21 turned up several vials of dried urine and a device called "The Original Whizzinator," which includes a fake penis, bladder and athletic supporter.
I gotta say that Congress will be fighting a pisser of a battle here, because if they outlaw the Whizzinator, only the outlaws will have Whizzinators. (Does the war on drugs seem silly to anyone else out there, or is it just me?)

Note what the the field trip was supposed to teach:
HEBER CITY, Utah - Three children and an adult were treated for minor injuries after an empty, runaway railroad car crashed into the Heber Creeper, which was carrying pupils on a train safety field trip.

The headline says it all:
Pizza Delivery Ends Prison Siege
SYDNEY (Reuters) - An Australian prison siege ended Monday after a group of inmates agreed to release a guard they had held for two days in return for a delivery of pizzas, prison officials said.

How would you like to be that guard? he now knows exactly how many pieces of pepperoni his life is worth.

Another great headline:
Authorities Blow Up Small Refrigerator
I've often opened the old fridge at Chez Idiot and, surveying the landscape of molds stored in tupperware, felt that throwing out the whole unit would be easier than cleaning it out. I never dreamed of blowing it up! That must've been some seriously funky hamburger helper!

Haven't we all had days like this?
Ice Cream Vendor Punches Complaining Boy

Finally, headlines from the world of Michael Jackson.
Jackson says his chimp shared his toilet, had good table manners


Anonymous said...

"Express"? Isn't "milk run" a more apt descriptor of the train you're on?

Badaunt said...

I think the war on drugs is silly, too.

And never mind blowing up the fridge - I've often thought about putting a match to the whole house and walking away.

warcrygirl said...

I just finished reading your blog when I saw that you had visited mine.

How cool is that?

Thanks for visiting my blog and good luck with your campaign!

Bad Penny said...

All HAIL King of the (Is it frickin?) World!

If we outlaw the Whizzenator only outlaws will have Whizzinators is the funniest thing I've heard all day. I'm gonna make up shirts. Maybe some bumper stickers.

Thats a plank for the platform...

I'm Bad Penny

Anonymous said...

You can have my Whizzinator when you pry it from my cold dead fingers.....

Party Pascha said...

I think I'm gonna tell my son to start calling his pee-pee the "whizzanator" instead. Then, he could say, "I'm tickling my whizzanator!" Too funny.