jokes

A 'hard of hearing' man took his wife to the doctor one evening, and the doctor told him that she had 'Acute Angina'. He said,"she has pretty tits too, but whats that got to do with anything?"

------

Three men have to drop something out of a hot air balloon and then go and see what happens. The first man drops an apple, the second a bottle of whisky and the third didn't know what to drop, so he drops a bomb.
They go down to inspect.
The first man sees a boy crying and asks him what is wrong. "An apple fell out of the sky and hit me on the head" he says.
The second man sees a boy crying and asks him whats wrong. "A bottle fell out of the sky and I fell into the glass" he says.
The third man walks along and sees a boy laughing his head off. "What are you laughing at?" he says.
The boy replies "I just farted and my house blew up!"
------

It got crowded in heaven, so it was decided only to accept people whoever had a really bad day on the day they had died. On the first morning when the policy was employed, St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said the first man in line, "Tell me about the day you died."
The man said, "Oh it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early from work one day to catch her in the act. I searched all over the apartment and couldn't find him anywhere. So finally I went out on the balcony (we lived on the 25th floor) and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. So I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, of course, but he landed in some bushes and lived. So I went inside, got the refrigerator, and pushed it out over the balcony and it crushed hi, The strain of the act, though, gave me a heart attack, so I died."
St Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day and that it was a crime of passion, so he let the man enter heaven. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died.
"Well, sir, it was awful. I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment, when I slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment beneath me but then some maniac came out and started pounding my fingers! I fell, of course, but I landed in some bushes and lived! But then the guy came out and dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckles a bit, lets him into heaven and decides that he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died, " he said to the third man.
"Okay, picture this. I'm naked, hiding in a refrigerator ..."
------
A guy gets a job at a remote mining camp.After a couple of days work, he goes into the local bar, has a few beers, and asks a local about the lack of woman in the camp."No sheilas for 200 miles" says the local.
"What does a man do for sex?"
The local points to a large barrel in the corner."Just put ya dick in the hole in the side.Any day except Thursday."
The guy wanders over,pokes his dick in the hole, and within 2 minutes,blows his lolly.
"Christ,thats not bad" he thinks.
He returns the next two nights,and gets the same result.On the third night,he asked the local if the barrel was free.
"Yup, like I said, any day except Thursday"
"Why not Thursdays?"the guy asks.
"Cos Thursdays your day in the barrel."
------
------
One day, a general of the army, an admiral, and an air force general are having an argument about whose branch of the military is braver.
So the admiral yells to a passing sailor, "Sailor, catch that falling anchor!"
The sailor snaps to attention, shouts, "Yes, sir!", runs under the anchor, and is crushed to death trying to catch it.
The admiral turns to the others and says "Gentlemen, that was bravery."
The army general says, "That's nothing," and yells, "Private, stop that moving tank!"
The private snaps to attention, shouts "Yes, sir!" and is crushed under the tank while trying to stop it.
The army general turns back to the others and says, "Gentlemen, that took guts."
Finally, the air force general takes his turn. "Airman, catch that landing plane."
The airman snaps to attention and shouts "F*ck you, sir."
The air force general turns to the others and says, "Gentlemen, _that_ took balls."

Caution: Bounding Bassett

In honor of the first flakes of the season, I offer up a picture of Buttercup of the North dashing through the snow (Snow from last year, that is. We've only got a dusting). How often to you get to see a Bassett Hound run, let alone run through snow?

Detention Anyone?

With regard to the Debra LaFave story:
When I'm King I will be hiring the young man in question, when he's of age, to be my official "purchaser of lottery tickets and roller of dice" because he has to be the luckiest little &$?% on Earth.



[Editor's Note: at this point, Mrs Village Idiot scolded the author for quite some time. He now admits that everything about this story is wrong and promises not to be titilated by it anymore].

Update: I Still Don't Give a Crap about NASCAR

Sunday marked the end of my three year campaign to become a NASCAR fan. I failed at the task miserably. They've just wrapped up an incredibly exciting season full of great racing and off-track intrigue. Apparently, to make it even more exciting, the championship even came down to the last race, with a handful of drivers in the "Chase" right down to the wire. Still, I just don't get it.

I've tried, in my usual half-assed way, to get on board. Mrs. Idiot bought me one of those Richard Petty experiences a few years ago and I got to drive a stock car around the track a few times. That was a lot of fun, and those cars are VERY fast, but it didn't take: I didn't become a fan.

The Idiot Racing suit inspired me. I've been wearing
nothing but highwater jumpsuits ever since.

I tried to pay attention to the last two seasons of racing, and even tried to watch a few races. A bunch of my friends have become huge NASCAR fans over the years and they try to help me pay attention and understand the races, but I'm usually sound asleep by lap 30. I mean it, there has got to be something wrong with me on this one. My Sainted Mother said that when I was a baby and wouldnt sleep, she'd often put me in the car and drive around until I dozed off. Could this have something to do with it?

Next year I'll try again, and I'll try again the year after that. I am determined to understand this. I mean, Calvin has been out there peeing on various NASCAR drivers for years. There's got to be something to it, eh?

Ding-Ding-Ding We Have a Winner

Not long ago I published a bunch of gibberish* to get the attention of the search engines. I figured that a few prime keywords would boost my traffic and keep me amused when I go look at the keywords people use to get to my blog.

*(As opposed to my normal gibberish)

I should explain that because I'm cheap, I've not paid for one of those swanky companies to track and analyze the people who visit my site. The service I went with is free, which means that it's almost reliable as hiring a fourth grader to sit beside the freeway and count cars. You might get a reliable count, you might get an interesting story about how they went looking for frogs.

Thus, this is in no way a complete list, these are just some of the gems that I happened to grab before my (free) traffic tracker tossed them out. (Some of these date back as far as August).

Some of the more amusing searches that brought people to Kicked Puppies:

better steve bartman song
downtown julie brown horse
how many puppies from one mating
foul vaginal odour
mazda zoom ringtone
winnacunnet nude
diagram of tastebuds
bling bling ding dong
pink nose puppies
katie couric nude
pam oliver nude
martha stewart nude
nfl pam oliver pictures
constipated dog
brad pitt gambling
balloon with fatty armpits
beer's hops seen to inhibit tumor growth
regis philbin buttocks mask
my owner is an idiot
hot football locker hunks
portsmouth nh fat belly's
cat toothbrush
motion sensitive hidden camera
Cow lips
beef lips cause man boobs
number 2
beer makers microbrew indiana
tim mccarver idiot
world record fecal matter
ali g harvard video
kittens pee on fax machine and start fire
kicked puppies
ebay song - you kicked my dog
how to not get your ass kicked by the police

and my personal favorite:
i got kicked in the face by a cow. what should i do?

I'm so happy that all these people came to me for help. Though they will not find their Regis Philbin Buttocks Mask here, or their world record fecal matter, they hopefully found some peace.

Search on!

Improper Use of Glue Technology

You've probably all read recently about the guy who was allegedly glued to a toilet seat at Home Depot. My crack reporting team is following that story with great relish. (No, that's not "crack reporter" as in "butt-crack" either).

Before we get to the Home Depot guy, I was afraid you might have missed this gluing story:
Jury rules against woman who glued man's genitals to abdomen

GREENSBURG, Pa. (AP) - A Westmoreland County jury ordered a woman who glued her ex-boyfriend's genitals to his abdomen to pay the man 46,200 dollars for pain, suffering and emotional distress.

The jury today found in favor of Kenneth Slaby of Pittsburgh in his civil case against Gail O'Toole of Murrysville after three days of testimony.
Slaby's lawsuit claims the two broke up in 1999 after dating for ten months and Slaby began dating someone else.

Slaby contends that after he broke up with his other girlfriend, O'Toole invited him over to her home on May 7th, 2000, where he fell asleep.
He woke up to find that O'Toole had used Super Glue to stick his genitals to his abdomen, glued his buttocks together and spelled out a profanity on his back in nail polish. He says she said it was payback for their breakup.

I restate the key part: O'Toole had used Super Glue to stick his genitals to his abdomen, glued his buttocks together and spelled out a profanity on his back in nail polish.
I sense that the aptly named O'Toole is an evil genius and will be given a position of great importance in my new administration.

The other recent gluing story, the Home Depot guy, has taken some interesting turns.
For those of you who missed it, here is the original story:
BOULDER, Colo. (AP) -- A Colorado man is suing Home Depot, claiming employees ignored his pleas for help after he became the butt of a prankster.

Bob Dougherty says he got stuck to a restroom toilet seat after someone smeared it with glue. He says employees thought he was kidding and waited 15 minutes to call an ambulance. He tells The Boulder Daily Camera "They just let me rot."

The lawsuit says Dougherty was recovering from heart bypass surgery and thought he was having a heart attack when he got stuck. The suit says Dougherty passed out as paramedics wheeled him out of the store and that the toilet seat separated from his skin, leaving abrasions. The incident occurred on the day before Halloween in 2003.

(I can't believe that the AP people actually said "he became the butt of a Halloween prank". The guy sued Home Depot for $3 million).

Then, there was an update, and a picture: (Bob Dougherty is on the right, his lawyer on the left, looking VERY lawyerly, I might add. What color is that jacket? Is that Babycrap Brown?).

DENVER - A man who sued Home Depot last month claiming a prank left him glued to a toilet seat made a similar allegation about another restroom more than a year ago, an official told a newspaper.
Bob Dougherty's lawsuit alleges employees at the store ignored his pleas for help on the day before Halloween 2003 because they thought he was kidding.
But Ron Trzepacz, former director of operations for the town of Nederland, where Dougherty lives, told the Rocky Mountain News in Tuesday's editions that Dougherty told him in the summer of 2004 he was glued to a toilet seat in the town's visitor center but pulled himself free.
Trzepacz told the paper he inspected the bathroom and found "no indication that anything had been on the toilet seat." No police report was filed, he said.

So. At this point, I think everyone must be wondering about the quality of life issues here. I mean, if you're thinking that gluing yourself to a public toilet seat is a great way to raise money, your life really must have hit rock bottom. I mean, I'm not exactly looking forward to the next thirty years of work, but if the only alternative I could see on my horizon involved glue, my butt, and Wal-Mart privvy, I might think about looking into other options before breaking out the Elmers.

So just as my musing was taking that line, along came another update:
The Rocky Mountain News says a Colorado man who claims he was stuck to a restroom toilet seat has passed a lie detector test.
The paper reports Bob Dougherty answered 20 questions, including four about him allegedly making a similar claim in Nederland, Colorado.

So there it is, you know that we here at kicked puppies won't stop till we're get to the bottom of this story, we won't stop until we've flushed out the truth!

George Jetson Goes Cow Tipping

I figured that by now we'd have cars like the Jetsons, and I don't think I'm alone in that. Yes friend, I feel that our scientific community has let us down with that regard. Instead of giving us cool stuff like Rosie the Housekeeping Robot and the machine that produces dinner with the push of a button, they've enslaved us with the Blackberry.

Then, I found this. Physicists wasting their time figuring out the physics behind Cowtipping instead of developing a way for all of us to have our own Jennifer Anniston.

Come on. Scientists of the world unite. It's time to use your powers for good!

Since When is Kazakhstan a Country?

Did you see in the news that Kazakhstan is totally pissed at a fictitious character? I'm not making this up.

Sacha Baron Cohen is a comedian who created the clueless hipster Ali G . He also created clueless Kazakhstani television reporter Borat Sagdiyev. Apparently, he hosted the European MTV awards in the character or Borat, and in the process ticked off the whole country of Kazakhstan.

ASTANA (Reuters) - Kazakhstan's Foreign Ministry threatened legal action Monday against a British comedian who wins laughs by portraying the central Asian state as a country populated by drunks who enjoy cow-punching as a sport.

Yeah, um, if you've ever seen the show, you know that that would be mild compared to Borat's normal behavior. I seem to remember him participating in open microphone night at a cowboy bar and singing a song about throwing Jews down the well.

In another episode, Borat goes to a dinner for the Sons of the American Revolution, at this posh event, the following conversation transpires:
The table has been informed that to break wind in Kazkhstan is called doing a 'put'...
Borat: "I can do... I have one. I have one, you want?"
Man: "Borat don't do it"
Borat: "It is coming"
Other Man: (tiresomely) "we're waiting."
Woman: "No we're not!"
Borat: "If you want I can do." (tries to grab the man's hand beside him) "Put your hand close!"

Yes, exactly. More from the story:
Cohen appears to have drawn official Kazakh ire after he hosted the annual MTV Europe Music Awards show in Lisbon earlier this month as Borat, who arrived in an Air Kazakh propeller plane controlled by a one-eyed pilot clutching a vodka bottle. "We do not rule out that Mr. Cohen is serving someone's political order designed to present Kazakhstan and its people in a derogatory way," Kazakh Foreign Ministry spokesman Yerzhan Ashykbayev told a news briefing.

"We reserve the right to any legal action to prevent new pranks of the kind." He declined to elaborate.
Cohen's earlier jokes about the Central Asian state include claims that the people would shoot a dog and then have a party, and that local wine was made from fermented horse urine. "We view Mr. Cohen's behavior at the MTV Europe Music Awards as utterly unacceptable, being a concoction of bad taste and ill manners which is completely incompatible with ethics and civilized behavior," Ashykbayev said.

Scarier still, Ali G gave a 2004 Harvard Commencement Address, here's an excerpt: (The Rest of the Speech is here).

"Booyakasha - Professor G indahouse aiii. Big shout out de Harvard massiv I iz done a capital 'H', coz Harvard iz a place innit - u see I ain't no ignoranus. Things like 'apple' and 'orange' do not start with a capital letter, unless dey iz at de start of a sentence - but some of you brainboxes probably know dat already innit.

Me name be Ali G and me represent de UK. For those of u who didn't study geography de UK is a place over a 100 MILES away from here, de capital of it is? Anyone? Not u geography square! ....yes, it is Liverpool. U iz clever and quite fly if u don't mind me sayin.

First of all, I iz got to say I iz a bit nervous speakin to so many of you - at least me would be if I weren't totally mashed. Normally de only public-speaking I does is to 12 people - and it's well easy all me has to say iz me name and de words 'not guilty'.

And my favorite part of the speech:
Anyways I digest. It iz a well big honour to be arksed ere today. To fink dat so many great people has been educated ere like Lyndon Banes Johnson, or as he is better known - JFK, George Clinton was also ere I fink , and de one before him, and also...William Tell - is he one of your lot, probably, and dat bloke wiv de hat, but most importantly dat really fit honey from Star Wars - if u iz out dere, me'd love to - me iz stayin at de Best Western Hotel - me's got a really nice room, altho since dis morning dem has put a parental lock on de tv.

Here's the thing: if you've ever seen Da Ali G Show on HBO, you know that everything about Borat and Ali G is offensive. Accept it and move on. I've seen the show several times and would never have known that Borat purports to be from a real country were it not for the fact that that real country just spoke up. But then again, I'm an idiot.

A Million Beers: Beers #11-22

More Travels on my attempt to drink one million beers


11. Samuel Adams Chocolate Bock- This is a seasonal beer that comes out in a big bottle right about now. It's absolutely delicious and tastes very much like chocolate. I bought several of the bottles last year and this was the last one. Highly recommended.





12. Killians Irish Red- This is Mrs. Idiot's Beer. She likes to have some Killians on hand, so we buy some, and she drinks my Sam Adams Light instead. Go figure.






13. Long Trail IPA- This is a perfectly fine beer that doesn't stand out in my mind for any reason at all. As you'll see in a few more beers, that might be a good thing.






14. New Castle Brown Ale- I discovered this beer by accident many years ago. I thought I was buying J.W. Dundee's Honey Brown Ale, but wound up with a cooler full of New Castle instead. Subsequently, some friends of mine who remembered that cooler full of New Castle always buy it when they know I'm coming over. It's a vicious cycle, but fortunately, this is a good beer.

15. Sam Adams Oktoberfest- Mmmm, Malty! A fine brew for the fall.








16. Sam Adams Light- I still grab the regular Sam Adams beer at the store because I'm an idiot and a creature of habit, but this one is every bit as good.






17. Smuttynose Wheat Wine Ale - This is part of the Smuttynose "Big Beer Series" which is a cute little play on words. A "big beer" to a brewer or someone who likes beer a lot is really heavy in its "gravity" (and thus high in alcohol). A wheat wine or barley wine like this certainly qualifies. It's also a big beer because the bottles in this series are bigger than normal. (They're almost two pints).
I drank this last weekend and enjoyed the heck out of it, as I've enjoyed all of the Smuttynose products I'd tried...


18. Smuttynose Scotch Style Ale- I enjoyed the Wheat Wine so much I jumped right into the Scotch Ale, another in the Big Beer Series. It was great, a very rich and malty brew. When I poured the second glass out of the bottle, however, a big pink glop of yeast fell out into the glass. In the world of homebrewing, finding yeast and sediment in the bottle is no big deal. Finding it in the bottom of the bottle I just got at the supermarket kinda grossed me out because it took me by surprise. There really should be something on the label to warn us idiots about this. Smuttynose got some major points off for that.

19. Pete's Wicked Strawberry Blonde- I grabbed this one right after the Scotch Ale incident because I wanted to drink something tame. Mrs Idiot had one also, and said it tasted strongly of strawberries. I thought it was barely strawberry, but then again I'd just had two very very big beers and think I had drowned my tastebuds in them.


20. Smuttynose IPA- A few days after the Scotch Ale incident I was ready to get back on the Smuttynose horse, and I had a couple of bottles of their IPA in the fridge that had been orphaned by a guest. I opened one and took a big swig. Nice beer, not all that bitter for an IPA. Then I noticed that the beer looks like it has a million little floaties and swirlies. Seriously, I don't know what kind of sediment or yeast or what they have in their standard IPA, but it totally grossed me out. I looked at the other bottle of the stuff we had in the fridge and it was like a minefield of beer debris. Again, something on the label teling me that those aren't pretzel backwash would be nice. As is, no thanks, Smutty.
21. Sierra Nevada 2005 Summerfest Beer- Finally, a happy story after my floaties. I saw the last 6-pack of this in the supermarket and grabbed it, figuring that it would soon be extinct. Great beer, very smooth.




22. Sam Adams Summer Ale- This is one of my favorite beers, probably because when I see it show up in the stores I know that summer is right behind it.

Borrowed From The Onion

I borrowed this from The Onion because those people over there are so funny they make me want to cry. If you don't read The Onion once in a while, you should.