Thursday, August 11, 2005

Thug Life Under the King

Ok, it's time for me to mull over some policies for when I'm king. Forgive me if it's a bit muddled, but I'm working on the fly. (Yes, the damned thing got stuck and I can't get it to zip all the way).

I was originally going to make everything legal unless it involves physically hurting someone. No doubt this would send the lawyers into fits of joy because they could go to work coming up with loopholes and addendums and all those great things that lawyers do, and while they're busy doing that we could enjoy a little lawyer-free quality time, so it looked like a win-win deal for the King.

However, I've been silly, I read some current events type stuff recently.

Dig this: We're at war with Drugs. Did you know that?
It's true, and apparently this war is out to take the place of Viet Nam as America's Longest War. I mean, I knew about Afghanistan and Iraq, but I didn't realize that George Bush the Elder had opened up this front against drugs and we hadn't yet whupped them.

It was this week's Newsweek that clued me in, apparently we're losing the war on drugs. War, What is it good for?


Newsweek in Current America

Then, I read in a recent Rolling Stone that we have something called a Drug Czar. Does that title sound a little scary? What the hell is a Czar? Don't they wrestle bears or something?

Anyhow, according to what I've been reading between Newsweek and Rolling Stone, we've been spending trillions of dollars on the War on Drugs, spending something like 50 billion this year alone, and our new Drug Czar is using much of that money to go after pot heads.

Really.

Ever met a pot head? They're really not much of a danger to you unless you happen to be a pint of ice cream or a Hostess Cupcake. In fact, these are the same people that have come up with some hilarious ways of circumventing drug tests, including The Original Whizzinator. We shouldn't be locking these people up, we should be recruiting them and harnessing that creative energy to write sitcoms for television. The current crop of crap on tv is really starting to be a problem, but that's a different topic.

I studied a little U.S. History and saw that Prohibition of Alcohol didn't work, in fact, it backfired and gave outlaws a commodity that they could sell. The fact that drugs are illegal has done exactly the same thing. Our government has made some very bad and very ruthless people very very rich by making drugs illegal, and according to Newsweek and Rolling Stone, hasn't done much to stem the flow of drugs.

So, when I'm King, drugs will be legal. All of 'em. I'll even hire nerdy celebrity spokesmen to get on television and encourage kids to use them. Then I will make doing well in school illegal. If it's forbidden, you know everyone will want to do it.

Here's Newsweek When I'm King:

Newsweek under the King

4 comments:

Lesser_Lumpkin said...

As Hagal (I believe it was Hagal) once said "History teaches us that man learns nothing from history." Or maybe its the government does know what they are doing. Maybe they're smarter than we give them credit. I'm sure that up there in Washington there are a bunch of polatitions sitting around talking about how drug czars are people who need to eat too. I mean they have families to feed. Or more likely they're sitting around drinking burbon, passing a roach, and fighting over the last pint of Ice Cream.

I'm digging the blog man.

Ky Reader said...

It kind of looks like "lesser_lumpkin" may have been using some of those now legal drugs (or maybe just drinking some of that "burbon"). As "Hagal" probably also said, "History also teaches us that 'Edgookashun is Grate !'"

Y.C. Tape said...

As your secretary of education or defense or whatever...you know I am totally behind you. Illage Idiot for King of the World!

Justine said...

Mmmmmm, there's nothing sexier than a funny man. I'm glad i found your blog! Keep writing and I'll keep reading!